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Stand Up & Stand Out

stand-up-stand-out

A short summary/bio of just yours truly

November 25th, 1995; 11:11p.m.

The day I was born, I guess to some was a "magical day", but when I grew up I soon questioned, why am I here, what is my purpose?

I think at one point in a lot of people's lives that we ask ourselves, why are we here, but I did it ever so often. My mother had me two days after her 36th birthday, I was a surprise to so many. I was her only child that almost stroked her out on the table delivering me,, because her heart beat & blood pressure first sky rocketed & than plummeted very low, but somehow we made it. Another strange thing I learned growing up, my mother & father had met, nothing serious, more of a few hookups & my mother on birth control, that had worked for her for at least 5 years, & my dad, who was big on using protection, they somehow miraculously had me.

Now hearing those stories from both my parents & a few other family members, it had me questioning even more, if I was so badly needed on this Earth, than what was the reason?

Growing up, ehh. . . It was quite interesting. My father & mother never married & only lasted till I was about 2, my mother kicked him out, & for revenge he burnt up all my baby pictures & close personal things of mine & my mothers, yeah.. swell guy.

It didn't take my mother long to hook herself up to some new man, he was alright, at first, but he was heavily into alcohol & a few other things.

For about 7 years, he remained in our lives, but I could of swore those seven years could of been doubled. Those were the years I seen so much violence. I went to 6 different elementary schools in the span of 3 years, just for the fact my mom & new found "dad" would break up & get back together over & over again.

I never really seen my mom much growing up, obviously she had to work & pay bills, but it was always about him or going out & partying. She never really wanted to be a mom it seemed after she had my brothers.

Her and my step dad would constantly fight in front of me, I remember the nights my mom would be screaming, being choked and slammed and hit and shit always being thrown in our house. We constantly had to move because they'd break up & my mom couldn't afford the current place we were at alone. My step dad often cheated on my mother too, & she'd drag me out, late at night.. 1, 2, maybe 3am, to go spy on my dad. I definitely felt like I was supposed to choose who was right and who was wrong & put in such a hard place. The last big argument they had, I got hurt pretty badly, cause I was put in the middle, as usual.

That was the night my mom had me call the cops, he had my mom bleeding & already badly bruised. I ran with the phone & held on it for dear life, even after being tackled and hit on.

You know whats sad, instead of taking a break from dating, & spending time being a mother & having a bit of quality time with me, my mother took about 6 months to find yet another man, & we quickly moved in with him.

I couldn't stand him, he couldn't stand me. He treated me like a burden, & honestly looked through me like I was nothing. He would make awful comments about my looks or size to my mother too.

With all this constant moving around. I will say at this point. I was about to be in the 4th grade when my mom met this new boyfriend & we finally stopped moving around for awhile. So I thought I'd actually make friends.. but I'm afraid I made more enemies.

I don't know why, but for about 8 solid years of school, I was constantly bullied in harassed by a big population of my school. If it wasn't on how I looked, or what I wore, it was just how I acted. & damn, was there a lot of rumors. People would try to fight me too, but I always knew to never swing first, but always finish the fight.

Between the lack of love, attention, advice and guidance at home and the bullying at school, I had and have always felt like an outcast. I was constantly left alone at home a lot starting at 10 years old, & because of loneliness and out of spite, I started getting into a lot of things at a young age.

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Didn't help one of my only influences in my life was also my alcoholic & drug addicted brother.

In middle school, I did gain a few good friends, but I still felt like I didn't fit in. & I still was wondering why I was here. I didn't understand why my mom didn't care to listen, why every man in her life treated her and I like shit and left, & just why nothing seem to fit.

While in middle school, I developed a bit of bad habits, taking pills, to try and put a spin on this shitty reality, & I started to self harm, first it was cutting, than burning my skin. I just wanted away from the emotional pain, from the hurtful words at school & from the neglect & talking behind my back from even my own family.

I went from bubbly and outgoing, to cool to everyone and not giving a single care in the world at just the age of 13.

I had already went through being beat on & seeing someone I loved being beat on, to being bullied at school for almost damn near everything, not to mentioning going through a horrific event a few years back where someone close had taken advantage of me. So what did I have to lose?

I wanted to keep pressing the envelope and seeing how much my body could take, I'd up the doses of meds & started to self harm, more and more. Until one day, someone happened to see a couple of my cuts one day in the changing rooms at school, they ended up snitching me out. Which later led to the school telling my mother.

Coming home that day, she practically stripped me down & yelled at me for the mutilation I had done to my body. I'll never forget her saying she was disappointed in me. She tried getting me sent away, but luckily I manage to talk my way out of it. I was gone out of school for awhile & came back, to only the bullying getting worse. Word travels fast, &somehow people now knew me as Suicide Stoops. 8th grade year, my number got passed away, a couple times, & people would text me cruel messages telling me I didn't cut myself good enough, or kill myself right. That I was such an idiot & worthless that I couldn't even get killing myself right..

Spring break, 2010, I ended up trying to hang myself. I came.. so close, but somehow.. one of my only friends got ahold of my next door neighbors who went to school with me & she begged them to check in on me. They came breaking in through my back door & grabbed me up and the rope from me & my best friend ended up coming over that night & hugging me till I felt I couldn't breathe.

After that day, I realized I really did have a couple people who actually did care. I stopped self harming with knives and lighters, but my drug abuse for worse, I never cared to try anything, & loads more if I liked it, & I hid my addictions pretty well.

Now comes high school, I was 15.. & here comes.. my first few relationships, to summarize it.. it was a shitshow. My first real relationship lasted 3 years & I believe I wanted love so bad, that it made me blind & I wanted attention to the point I didn't care if it was bad, therefore.. I let this little boy degrade me, use me and hit me quite a lot. What I regret is I let him do this for so long & then he ended up leaving and cheating on me.. I wish I would of realized I didn't deserve the treatment he gave me, but he sort of molded me, & created my path for the next few relationships, which from 16 to 24, all my relationships were so toxic. Between the mental, physical, sexual and mental abuse, you would think I enjoyed the shit, but I just wanted love. I wanted what I never got from my family or most people who were in my life. I had lost so many "friends" and was pushed out by so much family, that I just grasped on to toxic men, thinking if I just gave them my all & loved them that maybe I'd get it one day in return, but I was delusional.

The biggest thing I questioned the first 23 years of my life though was.. what was my reasoning for life? From day one I feel I tried to be the best me I could be, but always got shit on in the end. Whether it was with work, school, home, friendships, relationships, I just didn't feel good enough and my good ass work didn't really get me nowhere or recognized.

One night in 2017, I had a dream about starting a family, than it hit me maybe that was my purpose? Maybe not the whole picture, but having someone to love, and teach and grow with, I loved the sounds of it. Sadly, I had experienced 2 losses in 2018 of 2 precious babies. My dream maybe wasn't a dream, but a taunt, a nightmare, something I couldn't have I thought, till I found out I was 9 weeks pregnant in April of 2019. & even though my then boyfriend cheated and left me at 4 months pregnant, I didn't care, I was going to have my baby, & I did.

She is literally my biggest accomplishment in life and I love her with every piece of my heart. & I promise to always be here for her & give her what I never got.

Now, you think after having my kid, I would of learned a thing or two, but there's always storm clouds before the sun can peak through. Unfortunately in the last month of 2019, I met one of my most manipulating and toxic mistakes of my life. He really had me fooled & honestly tried to ruin my life. I stuck around for so long out of pity and cause another part of me thought maybe helping him or someone would be good for me, like good karma, or that it was part of my purpose.

But I realized, you can't help someone that doesn't want it, and honestly does not deserve it. & even though to this day I still deal with doubt and depression, I knew in 2021, I deserved better than all my previous exs, especially him.

Now here we are, I had to move back home again, to try to pick up my pieces and collect myself, but I can say even with the bad days, I'm in a decent place. I met the love of my life, someone who balances me and makes me happy on March 16th, he is literally the male version of me and he loves me and my daughter. I have a bit of spark back in my heart and my eyes for things I used to love to do and now I actually see a new chapter for me, my daughter, my man and the few slim friends and family I made over these last few years. I might not be fixed, but I'm not broken any longer either. & I've realized through all the trials and tribulations, everything has just made me stronger & even more wiser. My story isn't over!

© 2021 Cassie Lynn

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