Genetics is unfair
I have been struggling most of my life, especially during my childhood; dealing with an obsessive-compulsive disorder that dramatically changed my behavior and the way I deal with everyday’s care and bustles, but Lately, life has not been any more serene since my new symptoms started to appear in my twenties when one should kick start their journey and live life to the fullest, find a job may be, and do whatever others should be doing, but, life changes as genetics start to kick in, life became hard for me in every possible way ever since I recognized what is wrong with me, I have tried to go with the flow, living life the typical way, like everybody else, however, even the simplest form of activities and tasks became a grim, and your life is suddenly loose.
My educational experience was sad, more or less; I have never had any friends, not even one in my entire life. And school was tough for me, although I graduated from a top-tier architectural engineering school that took me a grueling effort to achieve, which is also ironically a team-oriented field of study. I have pushed myself so hard to be like everyone else, the only way I could; trying to blend into society was an inconceivable obstacle, which turned me into a talented actor, faking my expressions and connections. And even though my severe OCD started to diminish gradually during my academic years, I attribute the stressful days and the obligatory activities that have burdened me to my OCD treatment since dealing with everyday hustle distracts you, and sometimes it cures your compulsions. But I never imagined that life after graduation would be any more difficult, but that was not the case since I have discovered a more dark and sinister fate that awaited me, the different reality of being schizotypal.
Having it all to yourself
After graduation and an internship that I could not complete due to my anxiety, I started to feel severe stress and social phobia. And being unrestricted by any current form of commitment, I started isolating myself at home, which is usual for me as an introvert. Living alone changed everything; it is scary but relieving at the same time. You start to get used to it and anticipate the worst in taking any present actions, the infamous fear of moving forward with life, which is similar to the concept of "pessimism"; you tend to focus on the negatives of life and fear taking any step forward.
People with schizotypal personality disorder are often described as being peculiar, alas, which is partially rude but verifiable to some extent. Our brains process things differently, and encountering it could be translated as the following: a form of strange beliefs and occurrences that have taken over me since I was a kid and up till now; be it when I used to sit alone by myself thinking that everyone could read my mind, hear my thoughts or convincing myself of weird stuff like if you do an actions something awful would happen, strange attributions, obsessions and neverending references that makes every day a struggle, even the simplest things, like the music you listen to is impacted by it, for example, I cant listen to music that I know other people that I don't like might be listening to, due to me believing that my songs, should be unique and only relating to me or someone that I like.
Rule of survival.
Manipulation is also a shared survival mechanism amongst introverts and people with STPD, justifying their actions based on their strange view of life. And lacking close relationships, they seek others' attention or fake relationships and empathy to reach what they need, yes I never had any real friends, not that I could think of, but I have always had that one person who I would help out in case I would need someone to help me out.
When your perception of reality becomes distorted, it does not always mean that it is psychosis, but sometimes it is manifested as a daydreaming experience. For example, one could be walking down a street and move past someone, even if they do not interact with that person, and they surely know it, their mind could play a trick on them and convince them that they might have cursed or yelled at this person without any reasoning, and although deep inside they know it never happened, their brain will persist on feeding them these false thoughts and accusations, which makes it hard for them to focus on any daily activities like others because their mind is always occupied by countless thoughts.
Firmly held false beliefs.
Illusion is the first of all displeasures.
We Often misinterpret behavior, and we tend to mend narratives and others’ motives. “We are loners simply because we prefer to be alone; it is the way our brains are,” People with STPD cannot form relationships the way others can, we have limited emotional responses and often become paranoid surrounded by others, people with this disorder might believe that everything has a direct either positive or often negative personal meaning to them, along with bothersome illusions that could lead to confusion such as believing that someone is talking behind your back, you are failing in doing your job, or that you aren’t good enough, even while having narcissism at the same time.
Derealization gets you through a brutal experience.
Social anxiety becomes tiring when you get around others; you get into a dissociative state which is depersonalization to detach yourself from what is happening. You feel like having an out-of-body experience, just like a vivid dream, and suddenly you are not there anymore, and your attention level goes to zero.
"Denial is commonly found among persons with dissociative disorders."
The root of all addiction is pain.
We have had our fair share of binge and reckless drinking, even if it was unlinked to any current situation or problem. People with STPD are prone to substance abuse, unknown exactly why, but it happens due to their state of mind, supported by their depressive episodes. But one thing for sure to avoid is not to fall for any urges that might consume you, and always be in control of your actions.
Dealing with it.
Medications help, they are beneficial in managing the disorder, but the trick is that it is often misdiagnosed with other personality disorders due to shared similarities, I could not complete half of my three months internship as an interior designer, which was a one of a kind opportunity, and I am hopeful that I would have better life choices later times, I am now doing my best trying to work it out the way that suits me the most, but at least I found an answer to what is wrong with me, and I am grateful for it, getting to know your symptoms technically helps you deal better with everyday’s struggles, and the faster you get your diagnosis, the better. My advice to the reader is to go and seek answers for whatever is bothering you and go search for answers; to understand yourself better. It is worth it, and you will feel more at ease knowing what is wrong with you and how you can manage your life the best way.
Amazon recommended product.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and does not substitute for diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, and/or dietary advice from a licensed health professional. Drugs, supplements, and natural remedies may have dangerous side effects. If pregnant or nursing, consult with a qualified provider on an individual basis. Seek immediate help if you are experiencing a medical emergency.
© 2022 Wynter Northfield