Theophanes is a New-England-based blogger, traveler, writer, photographer, sculptor, and lover of cats.
Nurturing Your Sarcastic Side
I remember when I was a teenager (and even a preteen) I'd get asked the same stupid questions by my doctors no matter if I was in there for a snotty nose or a missing foot. They'd always ask if I wanted my mother to leave the room, as if they thought I was stupid enough to think my mother wouldn't know what they were asking me. Eventually I got really fed up and even offended by these questions. Any idiot on the street could see I could be easily out staged by a nun as far as being lascivious, drunk, and stoned was concerned. I just wasn't that kind of kid. In response to their imbecility I learned how to be snarky and sarcastic - to the core. I never regretted this.
Are you currently on any medications?
This question always pissed me off because my physician was the only guy I ever went to and he always had my entire medical record in his hands. If he were at all literate he could easily read if he'd prescribed me anything since the last visit. So I answered in my driest monotone, with my most serious expression, "I don't know." The guy was such an idiot he had no idea this was a joke and started to fidget around nervously remarking, "Well you should really know if you're on something. Unless someone's mashing it up in your potatoes you should remember taking something." At this point my mother jumped in (which was a shame, I was enjoying the show.) "She's not on anything!" Sure, ruin all my fun.
How many drinks should you have before driving?
This was actually my main physician's favorite question to ask preteens. I suppose it was his own form of DARE. I sat quietly on that retarded roll of paper on the medical chair, looked straight at him, and apathetically quipped, "I don't know. Eight?" Even at twelve I knew very well this was not the answer he was fishing for. Again he replied with twitchy consternation. "No, the right amount is zero. Zeeero." and he held up his hand in the shape of a little 0. "What a 'tard," was all that my preteen brain could think. I restrained a smile at his expense.
Do you do any drugs?
This question can get you into a lot of sticky situations if you're sarcastic about it. This never stopped me. Here are some classic answers.
"Only the ones you prescribe me." (Some physicians will gasp in horror you don't know the difference between prescriptions and illegal substances.)
"I don't do drugs, I just use them for divinations. You know like tea leaves." (This answer is best used on older doctors and accompanied by a wink.)
"Well I am in your office... what do you think?" (This between the lines diss is a keeper in my book.)
"No, I don't do drugs. I just watch other people smoke them in airtight rooms."
"Not intentionally!" (This will make the doctor's head want to explode. He won't know what to ask next.)
"Is crack a drug? What about a whole bottle of grape cough syrup....? Drain-o?" (after listing off every drug you can think of you should intermittently just add random nouns. "Peanut butter? Dish soap? Toilet paper?" Make him work for his fees. The dumber ones could go on for hours like this.
Any chance you could be pregnant?
This is the biggest and most popular question of all. After all, the first line of every medical textbook is, "No matter what a female preteen or teenager comes in for - the answer is she must be pregnant." It's a little known secret of the trade. This was the one I was most offended by and hence, answered the worst.
"Yes. It was an immaculate conception." Make sure to rub your stomach and seem genuine when speaking. Watch as the doctor fidgets about trying to remember what the words immaculate conception mean (you'd be horrified to learn most of them have no idea.) If the silence continues too long start adding to the story. "It was a halo of light from the heavens. It's a boy and I'm naming it Jesus."
"I don't know. I tend to black out a lot. Particularly after I'm out with my friends not doing drugs."
"Well... I was abducted by aliens last week..."
"How dare you ask an impressionable teenage girl if she's pregnant? Don't we already have a bad enough body image?!" (Say this in your best overly dramatic pissed teenage tone.)
For this next one put on your most infantile amazed expression and say, "How did you know?" Try not to laugh until after he tries to answer.
Of course another great one is just asking questions back - absurd questions. "Can you get pregnant in a pond? How about a hot tub? What if I jump up and down after sex? You mean the squatting and sneezing thing is a lie? What if I stop eating and run like four miles? Won't that like jiggle it out and starve it or something? Can a baby grow in my stomach after oral?" The crazier the better. Make up crap the poor physician's never heard of.
Some Sage Final Words
All this being said please use my words with caution. Do make sure that in the end the doctor does know you're joking or else you may find yourself in some really sticky situations (being committed to the loony bin or rehab for example.) And also remember that in twelve years of medical school there were no courses on humor. Have fun my dears and make sure to demand a sucker out of the experience (for those of you who are unfortunate enough not to have grandparents I'll digress "sucker" is another word for lollipop.)
If this article made you laugh please check oout other satirical articles by Theophanes:
More from this Author:
Catching Marbles - A New England based travel blog
Tales from the Birdello - For all homesteading and farming matters
Deranged Thoughts from a Cluttered Mind - For funny personal anecdotes
Jennifer Mugrage from Columbus, Ohio on May 05, 2017:
These are fabulous. Unfortunately in this day & age they are also dangerous.
Try this sarcasm on an airplane and see what happens (c.f. the scene in Meet the Parents - "bomba-bomb-da-bomb-da-bomb")!
Also, preteens should try not to say anything that will make their home the subject of an investigation, or they might find themselves in a foster home for a few weeks while the authorities grill their parents.
Ashley on May 06, 2016:
Asking the same questions over and over again does get old the doctors office. That is why I only go when really have to. They ask you questions when it might not always be necessary true. In my case I usually do certain strageties that might work: Even though I don't have a risk for sexual transmitted diseases although a virgin I will get a overall blood status to-a complete blood history. At times I will occasionally do update on complete blood work. After finding that food can be contaminated with HIV/AIDS I now find it to be very willingly to do all because someone trying to make people I'll. Just as bad for someone to put sperm in things look or put rat poison on fruit. Thinking one paranoid, not!
Ac on January 12, 2015:
Oh my goodness I'm still laughing! Halarious! Fortunately for me though whenever I go to the doctor my physician is so nice about it that I don't really mind. I guess it's annoying if you get a rude doc, but mine is so friendly it's hard for me to get irritated. But this was SO FUNNY! I needed that laugh lol.
Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on November 10, 2013:
You may be right Fukuoka - although I grew up near Boston which has a HUGE Irish Catholic population and well.... whether you want to know about Catholicism or not some of it, like immaculate conception, becomes pretty well known even to non-Catholics. :)
Fukuoka on November 10, 2013:
„Immaculate conception? Unfortunately that's not my field of speciality – unless you really meant ‚virgin birth‘.“ – Seems this one doesn't work very well for those doctors who've thoroughly studied their catholic theology… *gmpf*
Unknown on June 03, 2013:
You can bet your bottom dollar that your physician has heard everyone of these umpteen times before and will be sitting there quietly wondering when you'll stop thinking you're hysterical and just answer the bloody question.
If you think the questions are stupid, you're really not thinking too hard about why they're asking them.
Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on April 16, 2013:
I couldn't agree with you more Scorpio21. If you act like a disinterested ass, expect your patients to treat you in kind.
Scorpio21 on April 16, 2013:
They do ask some stupid questions sometimes, like 'why are you here?' I wanted to be like 'because I'm ill?' duh!.' It also makes you feel unwelcome, and want to be like 'well, I don't want to see you either, but I think its necessary right now.'
lette on January 14, 2013:
All of your #sarcastic answers"are rather sad and needlessly long.
Can't you just answer the questions succinctly and stop wasting doctors' time? Doctors don't have time to care or enjoy your supposedly "clever" "funny" responses. They've got something far more important to do.
If you want to be entertained, go somewhere else. Just stay away from hospitals and doctors' surgery. Find something better to do in your life.
Kristi Sharp from Born in Missouri. Raised in Minnesota. on October 19, 2012:
Good one :) My personal favorite is, "One a scale from one to ten, how would you rate your pain?" I always use a decimal. -K
wombatwooooosh on January 09, 2012:
These are funny but the only ones that I would use are the immaculate conception or the "How many drinks before driving?"(never heard that one being asked)
Local doctors on August 05, 2011:
I think its a great work done.
SJ on February 11, 2011:
LOL! My docs will give some unreasonable requests sometimes, one actually wants delivery planned around his once a week golf game. But...he put it like this one day, "it's either wack balls, or wack people." I channeled my nursing judgment and decided..."balls it is." Give 'em heck.
Jessica French on October 16, 2010:
I once made some sarcastic comment about the pregnancy question, and the doctor gave me this deadpan look and said, "Right, I suppose there's no chance *you* could be pregnant."
meh..! on October 09, 2010:
it really is true that doctors do ask weird questions, (but even if your physician is literate, he wouldn't know if you're taking any other drugs other than what he prescribed, s give him a break too??? )
as a med student, i'm now on the other side of things, and we're finding out why we need to ask all of those questions...yes, even from a teenage girl... i know it's not very comfortable when you are asked those, specially from your regular physician, but believe me, he wouldn't ask if it weren't important. and regardless of what is in the records, anything can change by the next visit (like your menstrual cycle, drug history, and even twelve year old girls can and do get pregnant...) sarcasm is cool though...just not too much of it.
and believe it or not, we have a sense of humor too.. would be hard to get through med school without one... maybe you weren't getting your doctors jokes because he was straight faced,or putting on the concerned look, but it does sound like it to me..
just to let you know that as long as you're gonna resent every question that is asked...i dunno... where does that get you??
floresce on September 18, 2010:
dumb article...you SHOULD be writing about the absurd health insurance companies, not the docs who are trying to help you.
Thea on March 28, 2010:
I have diabetes and hyperthyroidism. people tell you in an emergency have extra medications on hand. emergency or not the problem with that is either the doctors or the pharmacists wont give you enough prescription or tell you it isn't time yet to fill it. all the while they are looking at you like your an idiot and why haven't you figured out how things run. they give you the wrong prescriptions, lose blood work, take blood during sugar lows. well between me and my insurance we pay their salaries. I am in charge. it is my rules and now i have a life mission to change things and this is the first time since september 09 since i have seen any humor. Thank You!
Suiiki from City of the Newly Wed and Nearly Dead on July 21, 2009:
Actually, I was always honest except for the pregnancy one.
When I was 15 and was actually at the doctor's for missed periods, she asked "Well is there a chance you could be pregnant?"
"Well, I'm home-schooled, so the only chance of that would be...Oh crap, yeah, there was that time I crawled out my second-floor bedroom window on a bedsheet and went clubbing with that older guy. It's about the right time period, too, but, I always thought that the baby would pop out before the year was up?" (It had been 14 months since my last menstruation)
And then there's college, when I had an ear infection.
"When was your last period?"
"A month and a half ago."
"...........Are you late?"
"Umm, no, actually. It's in my medical charts that you have right in front of you that I get periods every three months or so. Unless of course my name is Mary, in which case, you have a knocked-up virgin in front of you. Prepare for the second coming, darling."
B.Z. Alixandre from Boise, ID on June 10, 2009:
You may have been joking about the first line of medical books, but it's kind of true. As an EMT it is part of our protocols to assume every female over 12 and under 60 may be pregnant. (This is partly because there are a few conditions pertaining to pregnancy that may be very nearly instantly lethal such as abrupt placentia and some ectopic pregnancies.) I do agree with MaryL in that these questions are necessarry but I also know that they are frustrating, and sarcasm can make the day move along. Believe it or not, many of us in the medical field appreciate a healthy dose of humor. Dead pan is a bit difficult for us though, because there ARE quacks out there.
Laughing Mom on June 05, 2009:
I'm going to have to remember these.
"Is crack a drug?" Ha Ha Ha!!
MaryL on June 02, 2008:
I don't find this blog funny at all. Physicians need to ask patients questions about drug use and what other medications they are taking. Many people take herbal medications and do not tell their doctors about it. These medications can interact with prescription drugs and cause adverse effects. And so what if they ask if you are pregnant? It's not because they want to blame all your symptoms on that, they need to know because it's part of your health history. If you wonder why you get asked so many questions and with some that are outlandish...than why don't you ask why the doctor themselves why those answers are so relevant. You may surprise yourself.
Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on April 04, 2008:
Oh my, thank you everyone for that sudden burst of positive comments. At least now I know all that time I spent in drs offices getting diagnosed with the elusive I-have-no-idea-what's-wrong-with-you-but-you-probably-won't-die-if-you-go-home-syndrome wasn't a waste after all! Bwahaha...
In The Doghouse from California on April 03, 2008:
I learned that being sarcastic to a doctor can get you into trouble sometimes. When I was vacationing in NY I hit my head on an open drawer in the hotel room and got a big gash just over my eye. Blood was pouring out and my friends decided that I needed a few stitches. In the emergency room, the doctor entered and after seeing the blood over my eye, he asked me what the problem was. Naturally, I sarcastically replied while pointing to my male friend "Oh, he just hit me!" Let's just say, it wasn't very funny for my friend....I was just kidding! It took a lot of convincing to make them believe me too! Maybe it was the knock on the head, or my speak before you really think personality coming through, but it definitely wasn't the right time to exhibit my sarcastic wit!
Sherri from Southeastern Pennsylvania on April 03, 2008:
Why didn't I think of these years ago??? (Banging my head against the floor.)
Your sarcastic answers are what every rebellious, independent, free, enquiring, intelligent person, young or old, needs in the pocket at every doctor's visit. Not only do these answers demand clearer communication from the doctor who never learned to communicate, they also give the patient POWER.
marisuewrites from USA on April 03, 2008:
hahaha hahaha haaaaahhahaha I'm still giggling....but really, I wouldn't say any of this and I'd smack or want to smack my kid if they did....still it is so tempting to shock the silly questions....right....
i enjoyed the laugh. Marisue
annemaeve from Philly Burbs on April 03, 2008:
OH, my goodness, thank you so much for this hub and your fantastic sense of humor. I fear and loathe doctors for a variety of reasons, and now I have all kinds of creative ways to get back at them... if I can only keep a straight face!
James Patrick from Lawrence, Kansas on November 27, 2007:
Fun to read and laden with nice pictures. I'm just browsing along looking for something amusing to read.
I always had the doctors that told me if I had to be "experimental" in college to get a hep shot and only do the good drugs. Once I got to college the campus quacks overprescribed antibiotics for everything and told everyone their ears were filthy.