Marc Hubs, author of "Reflections Of NPD" is a writer/researcher on the mind, science, psychology/psychiatry, metaphysics and consciousness.
If you've found your way to this article then there's probably a good chance that someone you know or someone close to you may be narcissistic or possibly even suffers with the full Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If the words "it's all in your head", "you're paranoid", "I never said that" or "you need to see a shrink" are phrases that you hear commonly upon confronting the person in question then you can be sure that something just isn't quite right. In fact, you probably already realize this but just can't seem to put your finger on it.
These are all indications of subtle mental abuse. Narcissists like to convince their victims that they are crazy via projective identification. Upon being confronted, denial and repression kicks into action and the narcissist manipulates their victim into acting out their rage for them. Narcissists suck and leech on the mind, emotions and soul of their victim. It's almost as though they are feeding on their victim's feelings and for this reason narcissists are commonly referred to as emotional vampires. They suck and feed on their victim's confidence, self-esteem and sanity in order to regulate their own egotism
Reassuring words that you probably want to hear right now are "it's not you" and if you've found yourself reading this article then it probably isn't you. You may already know this from memories of earlier times in your relationship with the person in question, although it's still difficult to cope with because the narcissist seemingly has everyone around you fooled thinking that they are as good as gold and would never hurt anyone and that you are the one to blame. However, you should always remember that you do not have to prove anything to anyone - you know the truth.
Although close friends and family members may have a biased opinion towards you thanks to the narcissist's crafty devious and manipulative distortion campaign of your reputation this is not something you should be concerned about. They will come to their senses in time.
If you genuinely are dealing with a narcissist then they will most likely have you tied into their game of manipulation which is commonly referred to as "the narcissist's dance". The narcissistic abuse wears down at the victim's soul, the victim loses interest in hobbies they were once passionate about, they feel worthless and devalued and have been put through a process of devaluation, dehumanization and objectification. After this comes dissociation.
When you reach the end of your tether and can't take the abuse any longer and you are about to make or break, despite the fact that you have been left with no money or anyone to turn to, the narcissist then offers you relief from those feelings knowing that the relief from all the confusion will suck you back in then they repeat the process and spit you back out and do it all over again.
This is something which is never likely to change, narcissists very rarely change or even make the effort. They would rather repress awareness of their narcissistic traits and convince everyone that you are the crazy one, even if you know the facts and have solid evidence - they will never admit the truth. Their deceit is pathological.
Going for relationship counseling or therapy with the narcissist in your life is a bad idea. Narcissists have what is commonly referred to as a super-human capacity for manipulation, they are cold and calculating and often manipulate the therapist or counselor into taking their side and then they both proceed to tag-team the victim.
In fact, many narcissists get into a therapeutic career in order to mask their narcissistic traits which upholds the false sense of self which then projects them as being a good person whilst placing them in a position of authority which allows them to gain trust which can be used to exploit people further.
© 2011 Marc Hubs
susan on January 14, 2014:
I can so relate to this article. My husband is narcissistic we went to therapy once and she told me he had narcissistic personality disorder she did not take his side though. She said he had no empathy for my feelings and he is a sex addict. These people have the world fooled to his family and close friends which he doesn't have many he won't let people in he doesn't trust people. Nobody has no idea what hell he put me through emotionally and mentally the abuse I endured. I keep praying for emotional healing, to be able to forgive him one day and to let go of all the hurt, anger, bitterness I have towards him. I still love him it saddens me he won't acknowledge any wrong doing on his part and is not willing to change at all. I pray for him daily. I know with a lot of therapy, time and prayer I will recover.
Heather Mcdougall on October 05, 2013:
Living with a truly malignant narcissist means you end up on your knees , shackled and beaten with a bullwhip every waking hour, whilst being screamed at about your every imaginary failing both personally , morally and as a mother. Nothing is too cruel or too 'below the belt'.The endless ranting that can actually go on for days on the one subject drives you nuts. You end up agreeing to anything just to make it end. The victims actually envy those in t he pits of hell, as having it easy and having the 'good life' it's so bad.
However, with careful thought and time, you can get rid of your abuser and get everything your way. You have to be sneaky and very careful, because of course they monitor you , and time, everything you do and everywhere you go, but if you question them, they go crazy. Sound familiar? protect yourself right now! Go to your family doctor and spill your guts - make sure it's all recorded by your doctor. Now go to Social services and spill your guts about your abuse and that of your kids - make sure it's all recorded. if you have a joint account withdraw at least half of it right now and hide it. Now go around your house and list every asset you have.If you have investments or property other than your home list that too. Get abuse victim counsellling right now. Lie about where you are going, invent some minor but persistent medical condition - going to the posteopath, chiroprator whatever, so you can get out of the home and the narcissist wil belive you. Moreover you will be unreachable by phone during your 'treatment'.
You have to get smart and tough. You've survived this long with an abusive nutter so you are toughr than you ever imagined you were - remember that!
There is a wonderful life ahead of you, quite qyuickly , once our abuser has gone.
Marc Hubs (author) from United Kingdom on July 11, 2013:
It's a chilling thought isn't it jaydene, thanks for reading.
jaydene from Alberta, Canada on July 11, 2013:
my mom has it, and is only 76
that is scary that counselors can be npd's
Jean on July 09, 2013:
My Mom had NPD. She died last year at 84. That is how I escaped her up and down abuse. I'm now 61 and still recovering. Thanks for the validation that this article provides.
Marc Hubs (author) from United Kingdom on March 29, 2013:
Thank you Peggy and Gail!
Indeed Peggy, unless you've been there you are just not able to even begin to imagine what it's like.
Peggy Salvatore from Mid-Atlantic States US on March 29, 2013:
Excellent article. Nobody can possibly understand until you've been there. Thank you for this.
Gail Meyers from Johnson County, Kansas on March 02, 2013:
Wow, Sparkster! You outdid yourself on this one. What an amazingly clear, concise articulation of the experience of dealing with someone with narcissistic personality disorder. Voted up, awesome, pinned, tweeted and FB shared.
msteri4 on January 25, 2013:
OMG ! Great article ! I have been in a distorted and fragmented
relationship with one for 3 + years . I feel right now as if I am truly dying from all the madness & drama he has reigned on my life . You hit the nail on the head . Best advise GET OUT and that is exactly what I will be doing . I would rather be penniless and have nothing to endure any more torture with this twisted soul from hell........
Marc Hubs (author) from United Kingdom on January 19, 2013:
Sounds like he's confused and just doesn't know what to believe (see my article on Cognitive Dissonance). Whether he eventually sees the truth or not is uncertain but I wouldn't worry about it too much if I was you. I can't really offer any direct advice but I will say DO NOT mention personality disorders or mental health issues in a judicial setting, it will work against you.
Justreading45 on January 03, 2013:
Advice plz. Straight to the point mom with NPD lost her daughter to child services for telling that the step dad was abusing her. They will be in court soon. Mom says daughter is a liar, trying to frame her - just an ugly battle. The brother who made the call is 17 only lived with her the past 4 yrs, but since the issue has begun hes been isolated from everyone & everything, school job friends - he is now very lost and confused & doesn't see any light almost completely different kid - even in his emails, he doesn't seem normal. Will he see the light and lies by the time this "dad" gets to a trial and the truths come out? Is there still hope for him? now it's almost like he has no memory of the last few months- craziest thing I've ever seen. I'm worried for him emotionally and I feel like the N has everyone snowed.
SparrowMinistries on September 28, 2012:
Life with the N has left me destitute. I do not have money to purchase the book now, but when things change I will get it!
jaydene from Alberta, Canada on September 28, 2012:
I have to agree with this article. It is such a sad to have to come to terms with , by admitting exposure to these types of people. It is so real and it is out there all the time, after constant exposure to these people, is it any wonder that we get to the crazy point ourselves.É (my question mark is stuck on computer, lol) I find myself constantly on the look out now for these types. hyper vigilance can be a side effect of having this exposure for years, especially if it is in a family member.
SparrowMinistries on September 23, 2012:
Or, in the case of my ex, he goes to therapy, reads the books, learns the "language" and then uses it to manipulate others. He went to therapy alone at my request and had his therapist convinced that I was a narcissistic sociopath. He plays the victim so well by feigning concern for me and playing the devoted husband most people don't ever catch on.
Marc Hubs (author) from United Kingdom on September 23, 2012:
Yes Annasea, going for therapy alone at first is definitely the best idea. It may prove to be impossible to get a narcissist to even consider therapy (there's nothing wrong with them, how dare you suggest there is, you must be crazy!!).
However, some comfort can from attaining a diagnosis by proxy (which is not official).
SparrowMinistries on August 19, 2012:
Oh my gosh, Annasea, so true!!!
Annasea from Key West, Florida on August 18, 2012:
"Going for relationship counseling or therapy with the narcissist in your life is a bad idea. Narcissists have what is commonly referred to as a super-human capacity for manipulation, they are cold and calculating and often manipulate the therapist or counselor into taking their side and then they both proceed to tag-team the victim."
Excellent advice. Get counseling solo and make sure therapist "gets" the situation before bringing in The Evil One
Mandy11111 on June 29, 2012:
Terrific post! Narcissists are great manipulators and always know how to turn things their way.
D on May 29, 2012:
I like this post. My dad suffers from NPD and I am only now realizing my narcissistic tendencies at the prospect of intimate relationships. I guess the difference is that Im aware of these tendencies within myself and know they are WRONG.. and am more than willing to change.
dkm27 from Chicago on February 14, 2012:
Both my parents had this disorder. Not a good life for their children. Very impressive hub.
Jeff Hileman on January 15, 2012:
So far as I've hinted but not said, it's my mother who is the NPD, in comments to your very well written hubs on this topic. My daughter actually saw for herself when she was up last year. But , does not see the full weight of it all. Another informative hub. Absolutely accurate. Vote up.
Paula from The Midwest, USA on December 08, 2011:
Wow, this is a very fascinating hub, I appreciated all you shared. I was somewhat familiar with this type of personality but there is a lot here that I didn't quite realize. Its helpful in the sense that you can at least observe these things, and have SOME understanding of what is going on. Its so sad, that some do this kind of thing. Life is precious and too short to treat others badly.
I like that you said, you don't have to prove anything to anyone...you know the truth. That is so true, and its hard to not feel the need to try to defend oneself or help others to understand. Often, even that gets turned around. Its better to recognize things, and move and away if you can. (IF nothing else can be done...)
SparrowMinistries on November 16, 2011:
Very good. This describes my relationship with my ex to a T. So glad it's over.
Marc Hubs (author) from United Kingdom on September 26, 2011:
Thanks for the comments. I was hoping that I would really nail it with this hub, victims often find it difficult to explain the reality to people. It's easy for others to assume that they are exaggerating when in reality they are probably only just scratching the surface of what they've been through.
Maddie Ruud from Oakland, CA on September 26, 2011:
Great insight. I have a friend who's a typical case of NPD, and while at first I thought it was simply a byproduct of alcoholism, after he got clean I started to see it's simply the way he operates. I still sometimes feel like I'm going crazy, or I've done something wrong, so it's always helpful to hear that I'm not alone in that feeling.
William Benner from Savannah GA. on September 26, 2011:
This is great insight into something I did not know much about, thanks for this!
Terishere on September 26, 2011:
I've dealt with a person with NPD. They make your world crazy. And, after you leave, their manipulation will intensify. To escape successfully, it's best to break off all contact completely.
Lisa Kroulik from North Dakota on September 26, 2011:
My ex-husband and my father are narcissists and this is spot-on.
JDAckendorf on September 26, 2011:
This is a great article that has potential to reach many people. As I read this I was reminded of a person in my own life and it really made me rethink about some situations I have been in because of this person. Excellent work!
Charlotte B Plum on September 26, 2011:
This is a well written hub. Often, narcissism is something that affects the people around the person with the personality disorder, instead of the person himself. How unfortunate. Thank you for sharing this with us, rated useful!