I am a Freelance writer that works on a lot of blog posts, copy and other unique content. I am also a passionate fantasy writer.
Some days I wake up and I know that it will be just one of those days that the smallest thing will set me off. Living with 3 other people who don't understand what it is like to view the world through my eyes causes me to have to apologize for my mental illness more than I should have to. How bad do I get? I once flipped out on someone because they looked at me wrong. Once I am set off, there is no reigning me in. It is more than an embarrassment, it is a shot to my self esteem. Wanting so badly to be a normal functioning adult, but finding only rage and depression hindering me.
It isn't from lack of trying however, I have tried to hold jobs and relationships. I have tried therapy, and meds. Luckily, I have had good luck with the meds they have been putting me on. Though, when they plateau, I find a glimmer of the old me come out and it is horrifying everytime.
I recently realized that my meds were failing me. How did I notice? I had an episode in the worst place I could have. I will not go into too much detail but I burned a lot of bridges with this last episode. It was vulgar, disgusting, and hostile as they all are. I still feel very ashamed for having it happen, the feeling of having no control over what is coming out of my mouth has broken me.
Many times in the past, mainly in high stress environments and social situations, I would literally fly off the handle for no reason what so ever. It got so bad that I began to enjoy the monster I was, or rather, I was under the delusion that 'this is who I am'. I didn't want to accept it, but I was beginning to and that was scarier than being like that to begin with.
It isn't all just manic rage. My only other emotion is depression anymore. Even with meds, the depression lingers like the smell of a skunk. Some days I feel like I am done with life, and if it wasn't for my children I would probably find a solution in a quick end.
Constant depression has its negative effects obviously. It isn't just the depression, it is the self esteem, pride, ambition, will to continue and motivation that suffers do to this stage of my bi-polar. I have found ways to continue on. I have found hope.
Light In My Darkness
There is always hope. I have to remind myself of that everyday. Thankfully, I am blessed to have a circle and people who help me, check in on me, and remind me that I am not alone. I need that. The people I live with may not understand what I am going through, but they do understand that it isn't easy for me. Sometimes they do go out of their way to convenience me, or my mood.
The meds do help, having the strength to get up every morning to take them, and continue on through my day is something that I never thought I would be able to accomplish. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that the day will come to an end. Tomorrow may not be promised, but it will come. We just have to get up, support each other, and find our own strength.
Something that has helped me cope more than anything is writing. It is relaxing, and I find it comforting that I can find the words I need while typing, whereas in person I sound like a bumbling idiot. Having a coping mechanism is a must when you live with any mental illness. Knowing triggers and limitations is equally important. Keep it real with yourself, know what you can handle and try to improve off that a little more each day. I found my light in my children and career. I hope your light shines brightly for you, so you may find it too.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and does not substitute for diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, and/or dietary advice from a licensed health professional. Drugs, supplements, and natural remedies may have dangerous side effects. If pregnant or nursing, consult with a qualified provider on an individual basis. Seek immediate help if you are experiencing a medical emergency.
Sheila A Myers from Elmira on September 06, 2019:
I can relate, big time... Great job! Thanks for sharing this.