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My Addiction Has Always Been There for Me, Why Would I Ever Abandon It?

Candice Ballinger is a schizophrenic and an addict who has been addicted to drugs for 17 years, namely stimulants.

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Can You Be an Addict and Still Be Happy?

The answer to this question is, absolutely you can still be happy and be an addict. I would know from experience, for I have been dealing with my addiction for 17 years. And I am addicted to namely stimulant medications and/or crystal methamphetamine. The only real reason I ever started using stimulants was that I was diagnosed with ADHD as a teen and started taking medications like Adderall, Vyvance, Methylphenidate, and amphetamine salts. And I was on those medications for a good 14 years, so my brain and body ultimately became extremely dependant on the drugs. I cannot function without them, when I don't have my medicine or meth to take I become lethargic, and exhausted. Unable to function normally by doing everyday activities such as working, cleaning, cooking, and unfortunately unable to bath regularly to keep up with hygiene. And quite frankly it can feel like hell without my stimulants. I literally need them just to feel normal.

I don't see it as me getting high, no, in fact, it's me taking my daily prescription to function at a normal level just like your average person does. For say, someone who has never been exposed to stimulants, if they were to ingest them somehow they, in fact, would get high, and pretty high as a kite to be exact but for me it just makes me feel like a normal stable person. Without anxiety, depression, fatigue, catatonic tendencies, and so much more. I just feel like my normal self, like how I'm supposed to feel, the way you feel normal on the inside, I need stimulants to achieve that feeling.

Never did I was thinking to myself that I would be in this position when was an adult and have to be reliant on a drug to function but I am, and I have tried many times, and as hard as I possibly could to try and be sober and not use stimulants. But it's just not possible, if I want to lead a normal, high functioning life then I have little to no choice but to take the stimulants to have it.

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Does My Dependency Affect Loved Ones or Close Family Members?

Well, in some ways the answer is yes my addiction can in some ways affect my close loved ones negatively. However, only to a certain degree, it's not like I am literally causing them harm by taking stimulants to function. Now if i were to be commiting criminal acts like stealing or something else then I can understand why they would be upset. Although I know just obtaining methamphetamine off the streets is in fact a crime but I digress.

Can I Get Sober If I Really Needed To?

Now, could I get sober if in fact I really needed to for whatever reason, that I am not too sure? I have tried to get sober many times, and have always failed to do so. Mostly because my body is so dependent on the stimulants that it is hard for me to function at all without them. So trying to live life without them is almost impossible. It's been many many years of this and I'm not sure I could quit on my own. Getting to some kind of normalcy may take years. It's really hard to say how long it would take for me to feel like myself without the drugs.

© 2021 Candice Ballinger

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