In this Hub we are going to be looking inside the mind of an alcoholic, and try to see just how they think and what they can do to make a change in their life. The alcoholic that we will be looking at will be myself.
I just wanted to give some in site on just how I thought and what I thought about being addicted to alcohol for so many years and how I achieved Sobriety back into my life all on my own, with the support and love from my family and a lot of help from our creator "GOD".
Now being Sober, I can really focus on my writing and get my true feelings, angers, regrets, and just overall feelings I have stored up inside me for many years, out in the open for all to read. It helps me to remain sober by doing so. It is like therapy to me and it really works. I'm sure there are many of us that use this method of therapy among other ways.
My main goal is to hopefully be able to touch someone's life that has an addiction and they want to surrender as I did. Just maybe one of my stories will hit home with someone and make them think that there is still hope even when you think there isn't.
For a person such as myself that has been drinking alcohol since the age of nineteen, I must say, now at age fifty four, this last year has been one of the best in my life. I have overcome something that is somewhat impossible for some. I should NOT say impossible, because I thought it was impossible for me to quit drinking alcohol, but when I put my mind to it and just surrendered to my addiction, all sobriety started to take shape one day at a time.(Slow But Sure).
So here we go. I started drinking alcohol at age 19, with a few times stopping for a year or so, but went right back to it for one reason or another. One of the reasons was, I was NOT ready to give up alcohol just yet at that point in my life. I was in denial and thought I didn't have a serious problem. As time went by I did start to think, YES I see a difference in myself, my appearance, my general outlook on life itself, I had no self-esteem, looked down at myself like I was nothing and really felt I had no purpose in life. That really hurts now, that I thought of myself in that way.
Looking at all these things, I was lonely, very depressed and the alcohol made depression even worse, but I still didn't have the willpower to give it up. I figured, what's the use, the damage is done now, so why try to change my life at this stage of the game.
I am a very loving, giving and kind person. When drunk, I am still very giving, maybe too giving, but not very kind. Sometimes I'd say things, that the next day when I was sober I regretted what I said or did. If you have any morals or love for anyone, doing or saying the wrong things could scar the people that were involved, meaning, these people sometimes take your words and actions to heart even though they know you were drunk. It doesn't matter when you say you are sorry to them. The damage has been done and saying I'm sorry sometimes just doesn't cut it.
Sometimes, with me, I would get those almighty beer muscles and I was so drunk, that I probably couldn't kill a fly even if I tried. So sad to think back on those bad memories in my life.
I pretty much almost lost everything because of my drinking. The money I spent on booze should have been spent on my family, my house mortgage and other bills, but I didn't care, I needed the alcohol. The demons demanded it of me and I listened to what they wanted and I gave them their feeding of alcohol and pushed aside everything else in my life that should of been more important than the alcohol.
With everything I have done in the years of drinking, I have found my way out of my addiction and now living the life that I should of been living for the past years.
When you surrender to any kind of addiction, it is remarkable just how your life starts to make changes all to the better.
Living with an alcoholic is not a very easy thing to do for anyone. They try to put up with it because of love sometimes, or they make believe they don't see it at all. In these cases, it is hurting the alcoholic because it is giving them permission to carry on with their drinking. Why? For myself, I said, well no one is saying anything so it must be okay with them for me to continue self destructing myself.
It then became a point in my drinking that the wife, children and friends have had enough of my foolish drinking and called me on it.
Remarks such as, "When do you think you will give this drinking up"? We can't deal with your addiction anymore in this family, and so on.
As I wrote in one of my other Hubs, I spoke of a voice that touched me in such a way that the voice made me realize that the end is near if I don't change my life. At that moment in time I started to feel that I was something in this world. I had been placed here by God for a reason, as we all are.
I then realize through this so calm and soothing conversation that I truly needed to change my life around, not only for myself, but for the people that loved and cared about me.
I had to finally admit that I was an alcoholic and I needed to do something very fast before it was too late. I will lose my family and it would be a good chance that I would lose my life. When I thought of these things I said to myself, "is this addiction really worth my family and my life"? Of course, my answer was a BIG NO!
After I answered that question, it was then, that I surrendered to my demons that have ran my life for so many years. They ruined some of the best years of my life and I refused to let demon alcohol continue to destroy me and my family.
Changing my life and listening to the inner voice, "that honestly really saved me", was the best thing I or anyone could ever do in their life.
I continue to keep that Positive Attitude and give myself a pat on the back now and then, for what I had gone through and for standing up to my demons and winning. Achieving Sobriety, or anything for that matter, is something that we, "the addicted" should be very proud of.
I have found out, that being ashamed of my addiction and hiding it for so many years will not help. Don't be embarrassed, ASK FOR HELP, and put God in charge of your life, and don't hold back. HE, is the only one who will NEVER let you down!
If you don't listen to you heart and inner voice, then this could be one of many sights that you or I might miss out on in life.
INDEED LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL SO DON'T WASTE OUR SHORT TIME HERE ON AN ADDICTION THAT CAN BE AVOIDED!
Marlene Ramirez on November 02, 2020:
Hi Mark, I agree that writing is a form of therapy. I am glad that you were able to surrender to your demons and that inner voice was your intuition telling you to stop drinking because your alcohol addiction was destroying you and your family. I know you’ve been sober and I am glad you turned your life around for the better.
Missy from The Midwest on September 08, 2015:
I agree that God is definitely the only one who never lets us down.
Mark Bruno (author) from New Jersey Shore on March 10, 2012:
@ SeaShellNC, Nice to hear from you again. I know you don't belong to HubPages, but if you need to email me go to my contacts and it will send it to my email.
As far a my 2 1/2 years. Yes it is so wonderful and the time just flew by so fast. I am very proud and happy not only for me but my wife and family as well. They suffered right along with me and maybe even worse, sad to say.
I feel so bad for you and what you have gone through. I wish I could say something to make everything better. You are a good person to be stand behind your husband if he would go to Rehab. although I don't think I can say the same for him. To laugh and just walk out leaving for dead,as they say. You are your own person and maybe it is better this way (my opinion only).
God will indeed stand by your side though. You can always depend on him, that's for sure. I feel your life will get much better and by you going to Al-Anon they will help you too get this slump in your life. As I said before stay strong and always believe in yourself. Stay positive and don't look back, just ahead to a fresh new life :):)
Check out my blog. Something there may help also, not sure because it is mostly about addiction: http://www.thecleanlife-mark.blogspot.com
SeaShellNC on March 10, 2012:
Sober for 2 1/2 years is awesome! Even better that you don't miss alcohol. I'm actually not an alcoholic, I am codependent. The behaviors and thought process of a codependent is the same as an alcoholic minus the alcohol, It is sometimes referred to as a dry drunk.
My husband brought lots of baggage from his previous marriage into our marriage, I couldn't handle all the disrespect and hatred. All of my codependent behaviors were triggered and after almost three years of living with the harsh situation I "bottomed out" emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. He blamed the entire situation on me and walked out. His extreme reactionary behaviors of abandoning the marriage sent up a few red flags and Al-Anon has helped me see that his need for alcohol was more than a "social habit". It isn't up to me to say he is an alcoholic however I do have to take a serious look at what influence "The mind of an alcoholic" had during and at the end of my marriage. He is incapable of seeing or communicating with me much less being rational about anything at this time.
Anyway, if he came to me wanting to go to rehab, I wouldn't turn my back on him. I would stand by him through the recovery process if he so desired. Yes, I (as well as my therapist) asked him to stand by me while I got into a recovery program. He laughed at us both..
My recovery is filling my "void" with healthy thoughts and maturity. I know God will work his will in this situation and guide me as I move forward with my life. It is very difficult to let go of MY WILL and know Gods plan is better than anything I can do for myself. Good for you for taking responsibility for yourself and sharing with others how it has touched your life. I respect anyone that has the humility to admit there is a "problem" and ask for help. Blaming someone else is a cowardly approach and no one wins. I read how much you love your wife, you both are blessed :0)..
Mark Bruno (author) from New Jersey Shore on March 09, 2012:
@ Sea Shell, Thank you so much for reading this hub. I am so very glad you have made it out of this horrible thing we call alcohol addiction, although I am so sad that your husband walked out on you. I was just wondering if he walked out after you decided to get sober or in the middle of you trying to change your life. Yes God was a huge part of my recovery and still is and always will be for me. I wrote a hub regarding what I heard in my head from God that changed my life forever. It was called the https://hubpages.com/health/A-Life-Changing-Whispe...
Read this and you will see exactly what had happened to me on the night. I have been sober for almost 2 1/2 years and don't miss alcohol one bit.God bless you and stay strong and keep believing in yourself and our God .
Seashell on March 08, 2012:
Thank you for sharing "The Mind Of An Alcoholic", it is a baffling addiction. I respect and admire anyone with the strength and courage to look at themselves and admit they need help with alcohol or any addiction. It makes me sad to know there are so many people that live a life of denial and miss the opportunity to find their true authentic selves.
I've been a member of Al-Anon for six months now, I realize I didn't use alcohol to numb my pain but my void was just as deep and profound. When I first hit "my bottom", I had no idea what was "wrong with me". My behavior prior to Al-Anon, I would say crazy. You know, doing the same thing over and over expecting different results :). My obsessive mind (my alcohol) always thought I could "fix" something that I had no control over. One negative thought after the other protected me from my expectations, no one could hurt me if I already expect the worse. These were thoughts and fears I adopted as a little girl to survive a very volatile home. Feelings, what are those? I started stuffing those away before I started kindergarten. I didn't know the difference between a thought,a feeling or a reaction. It was one in the same, just like a temper tantrum.
My husband walked out on me and my children eight months ago...I adored him, was completely blind sided and have yet to have a conversation with him. This is what got me to my bottom. My higher power (God), did for me what I couldn't do for myself. I'm now thankful for the gift of recovery. This gift is greater than anything I could ever imagine. Learning who I really am and the person God intended for me to be has set me free from so much pain. I am a good person, even if I'm not perfect...that was foreign to me prior to recovery. It is also ok to feel, feelings don't have to be so scary and they don't control me anymore. By working the steps I have learned to let go and let God, I was never in control to begin with.
I'm still sorry my bottom included the loss of my husband. I've also learned that alcohol was an issue in my marriage and I had no idea! Imagine that. I have to believe that my estranged husband has a higher power working in his life. Learning to understand the mind of an alcoholic has helped me gain a better understanding of his reactionary behavior and gives me the ability to have more compassion (although it isn't easy!). If I were still trying to be in control I would still be that gold fish swimming round and round and clueless about the ocean all around me. I'm not scared to swim in the ocean anymore, knowing I have God to guide me. Recovery is an everyday commitment,and worth every bit of it.
Mark Bruno (author) from New Jersey Shore on March 02, 2012:
@ Ali, Thank you for the comment. Nothing better than the truth :) Take care!
Ali on March 02, 2012:
You need to stop this cycle you are a great woman and girl.....I know you have the strength. Very touching to hear the truth.
Mark Bruno (author) from New Jersey Shore on February 28, 2012:
Delonda, if you need to talk just go to my profile and click contact the clean life.
Delonda Gibson on February 28, 2012:
Just trying to understand. I have been through hell and also trying to understand especially when he talked positive to me and how he was trying to ditch her. Just found out about their ten year toxic love affair. Yes I was very co dependent and depressed. I found a new love and I am very happy. He was a wonderful husband until becoming addicted. I am a good person and prey that he gets well. What,s wrong with that? U just Don,t ignore I'll people. Wish you would answer my questions and not offer me advice. And what do u mean by they do things they would do anyway? No more questions after this. Thanks
privateye2500 from Canada, USA, London on February 28, 2012:
Delonda - Hon, is doesn't sound like you have *moved on*...if you want him to call you, to be friends.
Alcoholism makes people do all sorts of things they wouldn't ordinarily do -- but they also do things they would do anyway.
It sounds from reading you that you are co-dependent. Perhaps a CODA meeting is in order???
Delonda Gibson on February 28, 2012:
Thanks you are right. She is the one he left me for
He has been drinking for over 30 years and for the last 10 years she would drink with him
He is an alcoholic
Just wish he would at least be friends with me
Or call me. Could this be the alcohol making him avoid me and if so should I understand and not be angry. I have moved on.
Mark Bruno (author) from New Jersey Shore on February 27, 2012:
Delonda gibson, First I am sorry for the delay in my reply to your comment. That takes some real nerve to come to a family function and bring another girl to it. If I where you I would say Hit the road forever. You say you are married and he has been having an affair for 10 years? If so, you got to move on and live your life and be happy and get rid of him. Just my opinion though. Good luck with your decision.
i did everything possible to reach out to him he just kept pushing me away. finally i gave up on February 26, 2012:
Was that a mistake?
Delonda gibson on February 26, 2012:
Last I seen my hubby was in June when he bought the other woman of two years to a family function while I was their
I asked him not to call me unless he wanted help. Why does he not care about my well being and what is she really to him. They had a ten year affair
Mark Bruno (author) from New Jersey Shore on February 04, 2012:
Heather, I am so sorry it has taken my so long to reply to your comment. First off I want to say I am truly sorry for the loss of your father. Secondly, you have gone through so much over the the few years and you must be a strong person. i know exactly what you are going through and I felt the same way over two years ago. I just made up my mind once and for all to stop drinking and stuck to the decision and promise I made to myself and that was to never be able to pick up an alcoholic drink ever again and I don't break promises. You will feel on edge, uneasy and many other feeling when you first start on you road to recovery, but as the days and weeks pass by it will get easier to cope with the absence of alcohol, at least that is how I felt/ Stay strong and positive and believe in yourself and just take one day at a time and if need be you may have to steer clear of your friends that are using or drinking till you find it comfortable to be around them when you are sober.
Heather Sheltman on February 02, 2012:
It's actually interesting that I am coming across this hub right now...at this moment I'm sick and tired of being "sick and tired." I hope that makes sense--but to me it just means that I don't want to live life looking forward to alcohol and drugs, because in the end it makes me sick and tired literally. I want to get my true self back. I really found that your story was similar to my experiences. I want to commend you (the clean life) for your strength, willpower, and courage to get to the mind-state you want to be in as a sober individual, and how that mind-set now guides you instead of addiction and what you called "demons" which I thought to be so very true. I have been struggling with alcohol and moderate drug use for close to 4 years now. I just turned 24. So your hub spoke to me because I was 19 also when i started this mess. That is a difficult thing to admit, and to put myself in that category but lord know's it's true. All the while I seemed for all those years as a hardworking, overachieving, motivated young woman to everyone on the outside. Know one really knew the truth. Since I was 17 i worked 2 jobs, and went to school full time. Two days after I graduated high school I moved across California on my own...took a journey 15 hours across the state, away from my family, away from everything. I kind of moved for a boy though. Anyways when I moved to Southern California my dad was going through proceedings of a liver transplant. He had struggled with Hepatitis C and Cerosis of the liver since I was a teenager but always maintained an awesome role model to me. He himself was an alcoholic/addict when he was younger and actually turned his life around, became a pastor, started a church and raised a family. So I'm a church girl...born and raised. When I moved away I was started to get so busy with school and work that I neglected my feelings of sadness that my dad would soon pass...and of leaving so ubrubtly and hoping I could do it on my own without family. Well, I did, I was able to maintain two jobs and school full time...but during this time my boyfriend (born and raised in a firm catholic household) started selling cocaine, e pills and marijuanna. He worked for his parents successful business and also went to school. We looked like we had it all together. We were getting thing's done but were partying and using way more than we should of. It became habitual...almost every night we were doing lines and drinking...all the while still going to school and work. During my first year down here my dad passed away due to complications from a liver transplant he received. It was so devastating to me...I was the ultimate daddy's girl but was too busy at that time in my life to mourn, so I kind of just was very complacent, crying at different times. For years after he passed I hid my pain...I didn't know how to deal with it, i didn't have my family, and I was so busy with work and school that I didn't heal. As time went on I continued to seem like I had it all, a nice car I paid for, cute apartment, 2 awesome jobs, a cal state, awesome friends, and a good boyfriend (after a short time he stopped selling) That all changed about 5 months ago. I got a DUI...and had been driving about 70 mph on a main st after bar-tending at a restaurant (partied after with friends). I was scared and humiliated that night in jail. A month later I was at home with my boyfriend drinking shots of Sailor Jerry (which is like 93 proof) and got in a fight with him so I said I was leaving...backed out of the driveway, with no headlights and before I could turn onto the main street boom arrested for a second DUI in my driveway, charges included a suspended license from the first and I resisted arrest which I don't remember doing. That's two DUI's in one month. Prior to this I got fired from my restaurant job that I was at for 6 years because of the persistent smell of alcohol on me. I stayed at my city job for awhile after all this drama...and entered into a rehab for about 3 weeks. My judge ordered I go to 5 AA meetings a week, and I'm awaiting my sentence, I'm supposed to do 60 to 90 days in jail. My car ended up in impound and my pastor at the rehab I was staying paid and got it out (he was like my second dad, he was very close to my dad throughout him being a pastor) and he is now making the payments on it for me because I can't drive it, nor can I afford it. I ended up quitting the city job because it was too difficult to get there...I dropped out of school, and am now back living with my boyfriend. I did get another awesome restaurant job by the beach making good money that is walking distance from me. However, I kind of got back into drinking again...and it is becoming such an overwhelming battle in my mind. I wake up in the morning and fight the thought of riding my bike to the liquor store and getting a shot and a tall can. I don't want to ruin my opportunities with this new job and I now found out I can possibly do house arrest which will save my job and help me pay for the DUI's. My point here is I'm still back at square one...and I need and so desperately want the courage to stop drinking and occasionally using drugs so I can turn my life around. I still ironically enough feel like I'm 19, and I didn't deal with my dad's death, and I covered up my problems by working so much and going to school. I want to be the girl I was before I moved here... but I just really wanted you to know-- (the clean life) that your story really touched me and motivated me to STOP. It's a vicous cycle that consumes me, and it's an obsession in my mind. I want to be focusing on other things rather than fighting that demon in my mind every day. Sorry I feel like I wrote a novel...but it really helped to get that all out. I'm hoping tomorrow that I will have the strength to say no...and start my sobriety again...
Mark Bruno (author) from New Jersey Shore on January 05, 2012:
privateye2500, Thanks again fro your comment and you are so right, it sure is a scary place to be alone.
privateye2500 from Canada, USA, London on January 05, 2012:
One piece of advice re: the title
"Don't go in there alone! Scary place!"
Mark Bruno (author) from New Jersey Shore on January 03, 2012:
privateye2500, I will indeed check out your hubs. Thanks for reading mine and your comment as well.
privateye2500 from Canada, USA, London on January 03, 2012:
I am so happy to find other hubs on alcohol and alcoholism.
Here is another one.
and to Delonda - no one can answer that question for you but your husband.
Mark Bruno (author) from New Jersey Shore on September 10, 2011:
Delonda Gibson, yes he will love you and in fact he just may love you more than ever just as I have with my wife. Being clean and sober you can now realize just how good you have it and begin to see and have a stronger love and relationship than when we were addicted to alcohol. As for me my whole outlook on life has changes and being sober you can see that life in a brighter and loving way.
delonda gibson on September 10, 2011:
Will my husband love me again once sober?
Mark Bruno (author) from New Jersey Shore on August 28, 2011:
Todd , Thanks for reading and commenting. I think alcoholics all have a different thought about the drink. you explained it well.
Todd Branston on August 28, 2011:
I was walking down the street with a friend who was asking me to explain to him how alcoholics tend to think. I stopped, and said, "see that bottle? You see trash, but I see a drink inside".
Mark Bruno (author) from New Jersey Shore on June 20, 2011:
sholland10 , I have written many hubs on positive attitudes and happiness in life, something I never practiced before. Positivity makes everything happen :):)
Susan Holland from Southwest Missouri on June 20, 2011:
You should be proud!! It is also going to be lingering, but you know you have to stay positive and see how wonderful life has been since you have quit. I am glad you are living in a better reality now. Congratulations!! Keep on hubbin' and sharing!!
Mark Bruno (author) from New Jersey Shore on June 20, 2011:
sholland10, Thank you so much for your comment and I am so glad your family has overcome their addiction and now living clean and sober. That is so wonderful and they should be very proud! It is very hard to beat your addiction and I say that from experience believe me, But I have been sober now going on 2 years and never felt better. Everything I always dreamed about and never came true while drinking alcohol has now become a reality and I too am so proud of myself.
Susan Holland from Southwest Missouri on June 20, 2011:
This is a great hub! I am going to share it. I come from a family of alcoholics (all sober now). I know that it can reach up and grab you by the throat and destroy your happiness and those around you. Thank you for sharing. Voted up and awesome!!
schoolgirlforreal on August 06, 2010:
I identify with you in that you survived alcohol and I am surviving my depression~and other stuff. Both of us need a lot of positive reinforcement; family members of alcoholics -who often go to al anon- many have suffered emotional abuse, I have. Feeling loved and helping others is what I make my life about. I hope I can count on a "positive person" who knows the AA steps or ways of recovery to occassionally give me a boost! Glad to meet you, friend!
Thank you very much :)
Mark Bruno (author) from New Jersey Shore on July 06, 2010:
There comes a time in a persons life when addicted to a substance that they just can't take the life they are living as I did. I finally just put my hands in the air and surrendered to my addiction. It was time.
Lifeallstar1 on July 05, 2010:
Great hub!! I liked how you opened up and told more about your life. How your family decided to say something (which they probably did before, as well, but you didn't want to hear it. What made you decide to listen to them this time?