Living With Depression and Anxiety: My Story Told Through My Own Experience
Missy Smith
A Self-Therapy Session
I wrote a poem about living with anxiety and depression. However, I also wanted to talk about the subject that brought me to the reason why I wrote it.
Anxiety and depression both follow me around more often than not these days. I hate admitting this to anyone; much less strangers who may be reading this, but it has been no secret; I’ve often written here about it for self-therapy purposes.
I have fought and fought to find a way out. I have hung onto hope that luck will come my way if I just keep a positive outlook. However, there is always something that holds up the red sign to make sure I am aware that those two tagalongs will not be far away. Reminding me If I have a good day, I had better enjoyed it while it lasted, and I should never dare to get comfortable, or the demons will show up in a blink of an eye.
Be kind with your heart and brave with your story.
— author unknown
The Plague of Depression and Now The Panic of Anxiety
Anxiety is what I am struggling with the most these days, yet it is bosom buddies with depression. So, there is no win-win here, just a worst-case scenario it seems. For me, depression was my enemy most of my life, but with other health issues now, and a growing challenge of being a single parent of two children with very different personality types, the anxiety has made its way to the focus of my life. I go to bed with exhaustion and a feeling of instability, and I wake with the same. It is a constant mind and body battle to feel well enough to get through another day without complaining or showing anyone, especially my children, that I am just one more problematic situation away from having a nervous meltdown.
There are many days in which I think over the past when I was hard-pressed with depression symptoms for weeks at a time then coming out of it. And now today, experiencing daily feelings as if some kind of evil is strapped to my back that I can’t seem to shake off. I would take those weeks to this feeling I have at present - any day!
I fight hyperventilation feelings regularly now. It's not the depression that makes me think of how wonderful the bright light of the afterlife must look; it's the complete wonder of not knowing what symptom of anxiety may show up next that makes me want to find out. It is a sad thought, and I wish I didn't have to admit that my mind has wandered to that thought much more recently.
- Anxiety and Depression Together | Psychology Today
The disorders are two sides of the same coin. Over the past couple of years, clinicians and researchers alike have been moving toward a new conclusion: Depression and anxiety are not two disorders that coexist. They are two faces of one disorder.
A Fight to Stay Around Awhile: My Children Still Breathe Life Into Me
This is my life right now. However, like my poem will recite; it is no life. I want to be well. I pray that I continue to be strong enough to go back to look forward to a way out one day; the day I will be free from as many obligations and responsibilities I have had to bear alone. I love my children, and I love being their mom. It may fall on me that they depend on me so much even at ages where they should be more independent. It’s probably just me being a worry-wart again. I’m overzealous with that when it comes to them.
My daughter will be leaving for college in a year and a half if all goes well, and that road to getting her there has been stressful. I feel when she spreads her wings and experiences adult life, that she will be an outstanding human value to this world and whomever she interacts with on a personal and business platform. I can be proud of that, and I want to be proud of that! My son still has a ways to go before he thinks about a future outside of his hometown. He will only be entering middle school next year, so I will be a few years into my fifties before he leaves the home to explore.
This anxiety and depression seem to be connected with my fear of our three-musketeer status leaving me lonely, but also, that my time to live a little for myself may get here too late in my life for me to experience it. It’s so confusing, and that mix of emotions along with a bevy of other things is what keeps me up at night.
But It's My Life Poem
This is not life… screaming inside every single day and every single night.
This is not life… coaching myself to breathe; whispers to go away – crippling
anxiety.
This is not life… with no appetite for fight. I have become unwillingly willing
to end this strife.
This is not life… crawling into bed with a feeling of never-ending exhaustion
lingering ahead.
This is not life… to wake from limbo. Then start another day as like the one before
never surrendered. It's a pain in the stomach. An ache in the head. A nervous
circumstance of dreadful dread.
This is not life… how could it be... that such evil parasites are haunting me.
Can someone remind me of a happy place? A reality I may have lived
in which time has erased...
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and does not substitute for diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, and/or dietary advice from a licensed health professional. Drugs, supplements, and natural remedies may have dangerous side effects. If pregnant or nursing, consult with a qualified provider on an individual basis. Seek immediate help if you are experiencing a medical emergency.
© 2017 Missy Smith
Comments
Missy Smith (author) from Florida on November 25, 2017:
Hey Denise, yes, I agree. I feel if you allow yourself to come to terms with the issue and share your own experiences, that it does help. :)
Denise W Anderson from Bismarck, North Dakota on November 07, 2017:
I, too, fight with anxiety and depression. Some days it is an uphill battle. Other days, I feel like maybe I have a handle on it, then something happens and it creeps its ugly head up again. Writing and reading what others have written about it have been a big help to me. It is great to know that we are not alone!
lambservant on November 05, 2017:
Missy, if you need to ever talk, you may contact me via email through HP. I truly mean that.
Missy Smith (author) from Florida on November 05, 2017:
Awe, and I love you, Lori. You are one of a kind, and just the type of person I love to talk with. You are brave in your convictions - not scared at all to share your love. Few can be so open these days to accepting others for their flaws. I think it takes a beautiful soul to know a beautiful soul. God Bless!
lambservant on November 03, 2017:
I love you Missy, and as always, praying for you. Please get help if you have the means. Your words made me nod my head and "uh huh". It's good your sharing your heart. I hope you have people in your life, professional and/or non professional that can support you. I love you to pieces. You have a beautiful soul.
Venkatachari M from Bangalore, India on November 02, 2017:
Dear Missy and MizB, I just read both your replies. I am very sorry to hear about the loss of lives in both of your families.
Missy, I am a bit relieved to know that you are trying to get engaged in your drawing hobby and in taking care of the kittens. That's a good job to get distracted from your tensions for some time. Keep on moving and never give up hope. Don't bother about what others will be thinking of you. Nobody knows unless it falls on them. So, don't care. Keep posting even one or two lines whenever you feel like so that we can keep knowing about you.
MizB, sorry for your son's loss. Here, I am the only support for my son. The other son sends money but he could not come here taking leave often from so distant a place 500 km away. Nice to see that you are coming out of your depression. I read your comments at forums and Q&A's even though I do not reply all times.
Missy Smith (author) from Florida on November 02, 2017:
Hey, MizB and Venkat, I appreciate all the support you have given me in your comments. I actually read both yesterday, but again was feeling overwhelmed with my day.
For some reason, as I was reading, I had to put my face in my hands and take deep breaths. I just got really nervous. I don't understand exactly what my problem is, but the doctor says that she sees this type of nervous anxiety all the time. I have had little episodes in the past, but nothing like I am experiencing these days.
I've been thinking about what is going on in my life lately, and I feel I have this because my responsibilities with my children are overwhelming me right now; besides the fact, that recently another family member of mine has unexpectedly passed away. I have dealt with so much death around me now, that I feel it has finally helped give me this extreme anxiety.
Furthermore, something mysterious has been killing my cats outside, and I have gotten newborn kittens on top of that. I've been trying to keep them alive and bottle feed since their mother has died, and one of those kittens just died on me this morning. I am sulking with guilt. I feel it's my fault.
Nevertheless, I have not given up on life just yet. I try to find ways to set my mind off in a different direction if I feel an episode coming on. I took the time to write here, and I have also started drawing when I am feeling anxious. It seems to help me concentrate on something else that is enjoyable, instead of all the issues I face in my day to day circumstance.
MizB, I read the email, and I will look the person up whom you suggested. I don't believe I'm ready to join groups, but I would like to read her philosophies on this particular issue so many have these days. Thank you!
Venkat, I always appreciate you sharing your son's struggles with me. It has to be a very grueling cycle for a parent to witness. I, myself, try not to complain too much to my own parents. I know they are up in age and really wouldn't know how to help. I have no one to talk to that I trust, so you and MizB have helped me by sharing your own experiences with this dreadful diagnosis. Thanks for that!
Many, many, blessings to the both of you. Your empathy and support towards me during this difficult time in my life has been truly appreciated. A lot of people would turn their backs on my pity party. Thanks again!!
Doris James MizBejabbers from Beautiful South on November 01, 2017:
Missy, last year when my son died, I went through a period of zombie-like behavior. I don't think I'd ever suffered depression in my life, but now I know what it can feel like. I have someone I'd like for you to meet. I hope you don't mind my emailing you privately.
Ventakatachari, I feel your pain. I had a similar problem with my son, and now that it's over, I still feel the pain of his loss. He contracted an autoimmune disorder called Henoch Schonlein purpura, which ended his life with blood clots in his heart and congestive heart failure. If I was ever depressed before his death, I didn't know it, but my doctor diagnosed my heart arrhythmias as anxiety attacks. They ceased after he died, but then I know I went into a real depression. which I'm just now coming out of. I haven't published anything in nearly a year, but I've been able to enjoy other people's hubs and comments.
Venkatachari M from Bangalore, India on November 01, 2017:
Hi, Missy,
Keep yourself engaged in something or other to be distracted from depression and anxiety. I tell my son also the same thing. He is same like you. Unable to do anything and gets engaged in worries and tensions. He does not keep with one Psychiatrist for long. His stomach is also much upset and visiting the stomach doctors since some months. But, he had an addiction to alcohol also previously. And, smokes too much even now. These things also can contribute to stomach and liver damage.
I have to go along with him always as he has the stage fear also in meeting with people. But, if I tell anything with Doctors that he doesn't like, he will get angry with me. Nor likes me giving advice to him. Says he is 40 and knows everything but can't do.
I can understand all your problems very well. Do not lose hope. Keep fighting with some positive hope and thoughts. Think about your children always but not worry either about them. My blessings to all of you.
Shannon Henry from Texas on October 31, 2017:
Anxiety may be worse than depression. It messes with my stomach something awful. I haven't had prolonged anxiety in quite some time. But I certainly understand what you mean.
Missy Smith (author) from Florida on October 31, 2017:
Hey Shan, no worries. I haven't been able to be here as much either. I was thinking I should write a short apology to everyone. I still have comments I haven't replied to on other hubs.
The truth is that it has been very difficult for me to concentrate lately, and I'm surprised when I can even produce something to publish here of late. I'm extremely busy, and it has contributed to this anxiety I have acquired now. I have been back and forth a few times to the stomach doctor for all the nervous anxiety I have.
I'm glad you opened the door here for me to explain this, and to apologize to everyone else that I have been neglecting. I miss reading and commenting here. I hope everyone will understand.
You take care, Shanmarie. Thanks for taking time to visit this hub. :)
Shannon Henry from Texas on October 31, 2017:
Hi Missy,
It's been awhile. Guess I don't get around HP as much as I used to. Depression is an evil little monster. Or maybe it isn't so little. Keep on fighting.
