Skip to main content

Loving a Drug Addict - My Story of Living With and Loving a Meth Addict.

My Story

Here's my story...

If you are living with an addict you are not alone.

In the fall of 2004 I met the love of my life. I was online one day and this guy sends me an IM. No picture, no cam... I'm not too interested. Then he says he just got out of rehab... definitely not interested. I let him know very quickly I was not in the market for a man or even a new online friend. Drugs scared me, still do. I, personally, have never done drugs, not even pot. Addiction and drug use was completely foreign to me. I wanted no part of it.

Something about him, I guess persistance, got me to talk to him. We clicked immediately. I still was a little worried about him telling me he just got out of rehab. But, then.... he got a webcam. Sweet, smart and hot! Who cares if he used to have a drug problem, right? I'm not gonna marry the guy, one date won't hurt.

We got married 2 years later.

We lived together about 8 months. He was clean. We were happy. Drugs were in his past. The perfect couple.

Let's fast forward about a year... We had just bought a beautiful new home. He had a wonderful job. We were even talking about having a baby. Then, one day I notice he's a little... weird I guess. A little slurred speech, a little off. I ask him about it and he says he's just tired. I gets worse and worse. I suspected drugs but he stuck to his story. He was clean, hadn't done anything.

One day I went into his truck to get a cigarette lighter. I opened his console and there I found a little baggie of pills. I freaked! Called my friend, she googled them and found it was methadone. This wonderful friend of mine happened to have an addict as a spouse and happened to have a drug test. I went to my husband and asked him if he wanted to tell me anything. Nope. I pulled the bag of pills out of my pocket, "now doy uo want to tell me anything?" He says "Those aren't mine, they're a friend's, give them back!!!" I walked to the bathroom and flushed them. Apparently, I found out through him yelling, I flushed something very important and very expensive and he would never forgive me. The I pulled out the drug test. I have no idea how I got him to pee for me but he did. He failed for 3 kinds of pills. That was the beginning of it.

I knew he was using . I could tell by just looking at him. I would ask him about it and he would get mad and lie. How many times should you have to ask the same question? How many fights is it worth? I stayed on him, I was not going to let him just use drugs.

Things got progressively worse over the next few months. According to him he had been sober for over 2 years. He would assure me of this as he drooled on himself and fell asleep in his food. He would assure me of this while I gave him a bath and kept him from drowning. He couldn't stand up long enough to take a shower. I bathed him, clothed him, watched him, helped him. When he smoked he would fall asleep just afte he got it lit. He would burn himself, his clothes, blankets, furniture. If I left him alone I had to take his cigarettes and lighers with me so he wouldn't set the house on fire. Living with an active user is a full time baby sitting job. Not only are you having to take care of them but you are having to watch them slowly die. You are helpless. They are helpless. The person you love, you can not help.

One day he came home and was in the best mood. No slurred spech, no drool. What was up? I didn't know it at the time but meth was up. The next day we were back to the drooling and sleeping, Vicodin and xanax. He was out of it for 7 days. He could not function. It was like waching him die. He took so much that I had to stay up all night and make sure he didn't quit breathing. It was the worst thing I had ever seen and to this day he is still the same.

I told him he had to go to rehab, he had to get help. I was supportive and loving and let him know I would never give up on him. He gave up on me. Two months after the 7 day incident he left me. Married less than 18 months and he leaves me for a... I will try to put this gently... a fat, old, ugly, pill popping, drug addicted maried woman who is 20 years his senior. I am not saying these things about her because my ex is now with her. I am saying these things because I have never seen her even able to walk. Makeup smeared all over the place... not hot.

He leaves me and moves in with her, her husband of 26 years and their small child. The husband is also a pill popper. In about a month the husband is kicked out and takes the child with him. Now my husband and this old lady can have the privacy to do drugs. I tried and tried to ge him to come home. I could not give up on him. Eventually I was unable to find him or get ahold of him. He showed up a couple months later 40 lbs thinner. He said he had been sleeping in his truck and had nowhere to go. How do you tun away the man you almost had babies with? I had to feed him. He looked like hell. So, dumb me, took him in, fed him, gave him a place to stay. He was reasonably soberr and we were able to talk for the first time in months. He said he wanted to get sober, wanted to get help. He spilled his guts to me that night. He told me he had never really been clean. He was doing meth from day one of our relationship and pain and nerve pills to come down so I wouldn't know. The man I loved had lied to me since the day I met him. Did the person I married even exist? Was it all a lie?

This is probably not news to you but addicts are lairs. They will tell you anything to get what they want. And this time he wanted money. He had pawned or sold everything he had. He pawned his truck title and it was about to be reposessed. I'll admit it, I fell for it. I love him. I paid the truck bill. I also got some things ou of pawn for him on his word he would move back to his mother and father's house. He told me he was going to go over to he place he had been staying, get his things and be back. He was going to spend the weekend with me and his mother would pick him up and take him home on Monday.

Five days late he called. He said he had taken some pills and fogot to come back. I let him know it had been 5 days. He had no idea. And at this point I realized something. Something extemely hard, extemely sad and extemely distubing to me. I realized he was a drug addict and there honestly wasn't a single thing I could do to help him.

At some point you have to decide what you want for you. I know, when you live with an addict the last thing on your list of priorities is yourself. Make a new list. Their addiction can actually, physically kill you. I am on wo kinds of nerve meds and heart meds because of the stress he put on me. I am physically sick. I had to pick... me or him. I realized I could no longer let his addiction control my life. I can do nothing about his problems. An addict has to want help. If love could fix it, he would be healed of it.

As I sit here tonight, alone in our home, I do not know where he is. I do not know what he is doing. I do not know if he is safe. I do not know if he is alive.

He chose to leave. He chose to do drugs. He chose to say no to my help, my love. He chose to say no to his family. It kills me to think of what has happened to this wonderful man. I feel like a failue as a wife, a friend and a fellow human being for not being able to help him.

I pray eveyday that he will wake up and get the help he needs.

I don't know if you agree with the decisions I've made or the opinions I have on drug use. If you live with an addict I am sure you have felt the same ways I have. I am sure you feel helpless, hurt, resentful, emotions you can't even describe. I can not tell you what to do. But I have told you my story and what my personal feelings are. The only thing I will say is if you have children in the home with an addict, think of the things they are seeing, absorbing, learning. As adults we can handle a lot. Children cant. What they see is what they know. You set the example for them. They will look to you and your decisions as instructions as to how ot live their life. Do you want them to think drug use is just a part of life?


Scroll to Continue





Before and After

Our Wedding  7-1-06

Our Wedding 7-1-06

Dec 13, 2007 - The day before he left me.

Dec 13, 2007 - The day before he left me.

© 2008 Kelly Anne


Arun28 on September 09, 2020:

Johnd477 on July 26, 2014:

I really appreciate this post. I have been looking everywhere for this! Thank goodness I found it on Bing. You have made my day! Thx again! ddadcbddcfdg

beth on July 16, 2014:

I cried reading your story. I have/am going through similar roads as you (my husband walking out on me for another user older than him, returning for help, getting possessions out of pawn). It has truly broken my heart as I have been with him for 11 years and love him wholeheartedly. We are currently still together and I dont know what to do as after he returned he someehat changed to become a better man. He is a hard worker, working a full day to support me and our child. He is a good father to our child and a better husband, helping out in all areas when needed. However despite these changes of becoming a better person, he is still addicted to heroin and uses. I don't know to stay or leave. It is a truly hard situation as he has shown changes but he just can't kick the habit.

Jenna on June 28, 2014:

Walk away from an addict, and save yourself. I guess with your own children that would be different, but even then there must come a time when you have to let go, and let them do what they insist on doing.

My mother ruined my life to this very day because of her addiction. She is dead now, due to it. I am told to let go and do differently to her, and I do, but what she put me through from a very young age, to the next 30 plus years, was horrendous. I am now late 40's and mentally screwed up due to what I went through. I have never touched drugs not am I an alcoholic. I am anything but my excuse for a mother, however the lasting damage she caused to me, has in a way taken me to the grave with her. I should have walked away from her at the age of 17 and never returned, but I stayed put, and helped her in many ways, as she got older.

Get away, from addicts, who you just know from experience are never going to change. They will drag you down to their level.

Tracy on June 21, 2014:

Hi Tina,

I am a mother of an addict (meth drug of chose.) My 21 yr old daughter has been clean for a year and a half after four years of living hell. I know exactly where you are and my heart feels your pain. We are finally in a good place but honestly I am always looking over my shoulder...the first year of soberity was awful and our family was (still is but not nearly as intense) looking for the other shoe to drop. I too did not want to give up on my daughter but I did have to save myself and the rest of my family (will explain later what we did to help save ourselves.) Before we got to where we are today we made every mistake in the book in what we thought was helping our daughter. She has been through a DUI (which we got sealed and paid for an attorney), two stints in inpatient rehab, 2 outpatient rehabs, 1 car stolen, 2 cars wrecked, homelessness, 5 stints in jail (last time served 3 months.) Our rock bottom came when my husband and I finally had to kick my daughter out of a rental home (we were paying for.) This was the final drawl...we couldn't have her actively using in our home or a rental home and we couldn't watch her kill herself so we did the only thing we could do. This ripped our hearts out...while we were going through everything my daughter become my addiction / obsession as I would track her phone, numbers, contacts...researching became my life in an attempt to do what I thought was saving my daughter. I would frantically research year long programs and became frustrated at the lack out quality programs..we have great insurance but of course they don't want to pay the high cost anything past 30 days of treatment...unfortunately I found 30 days gets them just a taste of what they need to recover. The day we kicked her out of her apartment the next day she was arrested and served 3 months. My husband was so hurt he did not visit in jail. I did however and it was torchure....the come down was tough to watch and she was in solitary for at least 2 weeks (at which time she spent her birthday in solitary.) The day she got out my husband and I decided to open our hearts once more and we waited for her to be released at 5am in the morning...we gave her the option to either come with us or she was only her own...she knew that coming with us meant living by our are clean, going to school or working a full time job...while looking for a job volunteering at local agencies that we arranged...and going to a pyshictrist specializing in addiction. She chose us...even though she did look over her shoulder to see if one of her so called druggie friend would pick her up. The days were long over the next year and it was a constant battle with depression, not caring, was a struggle keeping her in school...but slowly things turned around, and her confidence started to she is dreaming of the future and hoping to transfer to a university, just got a job and is strictly focusing on boyfriends. I think its a knee jerk reaction to always be worried and I know I will do this for the rest of my life. My daughter is finally in control of her life (for the time being), she knows where she wants to go and even though she has a dual diagnose (bi-polar as well as an addict) we just take one day at a time...

Tina on June 16, 2014:

Hi I have been reduced to tears reading some of the posts. My son is 22 and has been on drugs now for 6 years ( Cannabis and Cocaine). He has been clean for 1 year but recently split from his girl friend and is back living with us for the last 6 months. We have had 3 replapses in this period and the last one only in the last week. He says he doesn't feel anything now and doesn't care about how he is hurting people he loves. I don't know what to do and how to help him. I have said that I cant just sit back and watch him fall and that he will have to move out if he chooses to live this lifestyle under our roof. I love him dearly but hate what he is doing. I have tried so much to talk and reason with him but he says that he feels that that he will always end up taking and that what ever he try's it will be this way in the end. HELP

Kelly on June 04, 2014:

My ex (we broke up approx 26 hours ago) - anyway we would have been together for 8 years next month. So this is all really raw to me at the moment...I am hoping writing it down will help. We were in our own bubble and so happy for the first 5 years, then in late 2010 she started hanging around with her aunt who is kinda shady to say the least. And things started to change between us...just slowly to begin. She was out all the time, and her attitude towards me turned from caring to not giving a dalm. She had started gambling, that was the first thing I found out. Then I had looked at her phone one day and she had text her aunt 'u got that message fr me aunty'. (Message here means anything..could b shopping or basically any object). So I was suspicious and began keeping an eye out for more suspicious activity - after I asked her about the text message she began deleting her messages all the time. Weeks and months passed and then one day I decided to turn my mattress sure u can guess what I found. Wee baggies with slight powder residue - I have never taken drugs but I knew instantly that she had started taking them again - speed was he number 1 drug of choice (she took drugs when she was younger, told me a few horror stories about it when we first got together). I confronted her and she tried to deny it but eventually admitted it. She said it wasnt regular it was just a one off etc etc. So eventually we moved past it - but out relationship still was not the same and she was still out all the time. Anyway I stuck with her in the hope that I could get the person I met back. A couple of years went by and we had alot of ups and downs. bereavements being the worst. I think over time I just gradually let her away with being a total arsehole to me. Bit by bit I let her treat me with no respect. But through all this we still had out good times and loving times and I genuinely wanted to grow old together. She started working again in December and I was really happy for her and thought it could help things between us. Then in January my world fell apart, I found out she had been having an affair with someone she worked with (she had known this woman previously too). I was devastated. She begged me for another chance and after a few days I gave in to her because I didn't want things to end. So between then and now we had our ups and downs - her behaviour was still irratic and a couple weeks ago I found a massive bag of speed - coupled with the fact that the day before she had had a huge nose bleed - I finally realized she has a much bigger problem than I thought and there is nothing I can do to help because she doesn't want to stop. The nail in the coffin came when she started messaging flirty and inappropriate things to a new work colleague. In hindsight I should never have let things go on for as long as I did but love is blind eh! As soon as I called it a day she ran away to the first woman she had the affair with....they do speed together so she probably happy as larry...for now. I am gutted that I couldnt get her to stop and I am sad to think that she is throwing her life away. I absolutely blame the speed for the person she has become - she is a stranger to me and would never ever been this way when she was clean - I am convinced she has wound up with some sort of mental health problem thru it all. So it just goes to show doesn't take heroin or crack to ruin your life. (Theyre obviously much more detrimental - I dont say that disrespectfully).

I consider myself lucky to have always had the inclination to stay away from drugs. There is no healthy way of taking any drug - they all impact peoples lives negatively.

Anonymous on May 12, 2014:

This story was helpful. My boyfriend and I were best friends before. I knew him because my family became close with his 3 years ago. I never met him because he was always out with friends, and same with me at that time. I would see him around but he would always leave to go be with friends. I knew he had gotten in trouble once for using drugs. I didn't want to get mixed up with this kid. Till a year later, I had finally met him. We became really good friends. He had told me all his stories of what he has done (which is pretty much everything). When we became friends I was only 18 at the time. I didn't want to get mixed up in his actions, and I thought he was crazy. But the closer we became, the more my feelings were developing. But him doing drugs was what prevented me from wanting to be with him. I liked him, but not so much as to where I wanted to be involved in it. As time progressed, I noticed a change. He had slowed down on doing drugs. We were always together, always having a good time. Heck, I had even forgotten he had did drugs. Till one day he had told me he quit doing drugs. He had decided that something like that wasn't worth ruining his life over. That right there made me feel proud of him. As a friend, I knew he was making the right choice. A few months after that, everything had changed between us. He became my boyfriend. We were happy, always laughing, having fun. I fell in love with him, same with him. We were each others' first love. I know I could never lose him. Then after a while he met some new friends. That's when things changed. He began to smoke weed. Ok.. well I didn't like it.. but at least it wasn't all the hard stuff he used to do.. but after a while it became constant It then lead to doing more. It lead to pills and opium. We were always fighting because he couldn't stop and I would always be mad at him. Till one day he had stopped. He said he would quit. He had stopped seeing or talking to those friends. Then the same thing happened all over. He would do good for a while, smoke weed when he could get it, and then started doing more. We would start fighting. The second time going through this, my parents finally found out, as did his. They no longer wanted me to be with him, as did his parents. My dad had told him that if he wanted to continue seeing me, he has to stop. His parents had said the same. So he did stop. This time he stopped for a long time. Everything was good. It all went back to normal like how it was. Always laughing, having fun, no problems. Till he had gotten his medical card. Again, I wasn't happy. But whatever as long he had promised that he wouldn't do anything else. Nope. Now it wasn't till recently that he is at his all time low. I had never threatened to leave him, because I don't want to. I love him, and I won't give up on him. Till yesterday I saw him and he couldn't even function. He couldn't walk right, he was slurring his speech, he would talk slow, couldn't eat right, and that right there just made my decision for me. Now what I hadn't mentioned is that he is in the one who had fought to get me to be his girlfriend. He has done everything for me. He had gotten a good job, gotten a car, we plan to move in together, he spoils me, takes care me, gives me anything. He hates to see me sad. He hates if anyone mistreats me. He cries when he finds out he is the one to hurt me. He tells me he loves me everyday about 100 times a day. He cries tears of joy because he says he's happy to be with me. That he's lucky to have someone like me. Someone who accepts him for who his. He cries when he just tells me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and start a family. Says that I'm the one good thing that has ever happened him. But the one thing he hasn't done for me is give up drugs. For someone who reassures me everyday that he loves me and wants to give me the world, why can't he just give me this. Materials is not what makes me happy, its him. Just him and the fact that he loves me. The one thing I really want is for him to quit. His one big fear he has is losing me. And I know the reason he keeps doing what he's doing is because I still stay. He knows that I will get really angry with him, but will get over it and he can just continue his drugs the next day. So seeing how he was yesterday helped make my final decision. When I was trying to talk to him for him to stop taking drugs, he just kept laughing it off. It was all a joke to him. Till I had grabbed him by his face and looked him in the eyes. I cried because it was really hard for me to say, but I told him that if he didn't stop, I would leave. I was giving him one last chance. I can't live like this anymore. Seeing him how he was made me realize I don't want to be stuck watching the man I love like that everyday. It kills me to see him that way. This is the worst I had ever seen him. But I refuse to go down this path. I am graduating from culinary school next month, I'm going back to school to pursue other things. I want to have a bright future and I don't want something like this to get in the way. When I had told him I was leaving him, he didn't laugh anymore. He finally took me seriously. He cried. He had told me that no one understands how hard it is to stop. He finally admitted he's scared of the withdrawals. That it hurts him. But that He can't lose me. It wasn't till today that he finally admitted that he needs help and wants help. His family and mine are trying to help him find a rehab center. He wants to go. And I'm glad he's making this decision. The hard part for me is that I don't know how I'll be not being able to see him. I had been searching this whole time to find other people's stories on how they dealt with this. This story was really helpful.. I'm hoping that this will help him to get over this. I don't want to give up on him. I can't leave him in his time of need. I just don't know how I will be without him, but one day I will eventually not have him if this gets worse. If he doesn't learn from this, then he has made his choice. Thanks for sharing your story. He hasn't gotten that deep into it to where he doesn't look like himself anymore, but I don't think I would ever want to get that point. This story helped me realize if that's something I want to go through, and to be quite honest I don't.

jackie on April 28, 2014:

I also feel all of yall pain. I have been married to my husband approximately 17 years married him twice like a fool. He said he was delivered the same thing each time crack cocaine. They uses u like leeches.. I would tell anybody let them go. A drug addict will sleep with anybody. He has given me 3 different std diseases. Right now I have gential warts n he swear it didn't come from him. In seventeen years I have been faithful. We took test I have warts n he have none yet I know he gave this to me. Women let these men go I am sixty n he is 48 I have had a stroke,high blood pressure etc.. they will destroy u don't pay bills I am on disability have to pay all the bills. This was not the plan I could go on. But victory is mine! Praying for us!

Rich Welch on April 17, 2014:

After 6yrs of helping my son fight his heroin addiction,I don't know where he is or what he is doing. He walked out of rehab after 2 he asked for. All of this started because of a hospital stay,a month of oxycoton....deloted....morphine....all prescribed and given in a hospital. After surgery to fix mistakes caused by another doctors negligence,which almost cost him his leg. He had insurance but in spite of an agreed upon plan to slowly reduce meds,one day they stopped giving him his pain meds because his insurance ran out. Still in legitimate pain....he turned to oxy he could get on streets. When that no longer worked he turned to heroin,and that's when I've had to stand by and watch him slowly kill himself. After kicking it twice,he is gone again. Last month he had a job,was doing well in college and today I have no idea where his is. I will never turn my back on him and will continue to hope he will call. I have come to the realization that I have been sacrificing my health to help him. I am disabled,all of this has had a extremely negative affect on my medical issues . I have made the hardest decision of my life,my health and welfare are more important than the person I love that is killing himself. The original problem was not his fault,but the continued use is his responsibility. He has chosen to continue down a path that leads to prison or death...or both.

Rebecca from USA on April 16, 2014:

Who keeps posting all this bs about spells? It's ridiculous. How insulting that you people post that when people have poured their hearts out on this thread by being so heart broken from the lives of addicts! It's disgusting!

emma Wilson on March 22, 2014:

I am glad to hear that i am not alone my thing is that i use to use drugs also that's how we met we got married he got locked up 1 month later i got clean so

independentminded on March 14, 2014:

Megan; It sounds as if you and your 6 year old daughter are in really tough straits and are going to need some help in getting out of this totally unhealthy situation, for your sake and that of your young daughter. This is not a healthy environment for either one of you. Both you and your daughter deserve something far better than the hell you're both being put through by your drug-addicted boyfriend.

Good luck. Keep everybody posted.

megan on January 27, 2014:

My boyfriend and I have been together over a year now. He says things will change. He is addicted to opiates. We have six week old daughter that doesn't deserve the hell he has put me through... the lies and heartache. How do people actually deal with watching someone you love deeply kill their self off daily? I've watched him go through withdrawals over and over but never suceeds. I've always stood by his side no matter what he has done to me. I try to be his support group but I'm not enough I guess... I cry daily. I'm a nervous and emotional wreck I never know what might happen next... he has had several of his close friends die of ODs . I have been to three funerals with him since we have been together... all I can think about is he will be next... or why ain't this a wake up call? I fear for my daughter not growing up with a daddy around or visiting him in a grave yard or prison... and if he is still around when she's old enough to ask him about his track marks on his arms, what will his reaction be? Like you, I also met him online... we rode the school bus in middle school together but reconnected last winter and hit it off so good! Little did I know about all this! Sometimes I wanna give up but I'm scared of what he will do... we don't even have the money for the electric bill this month due to pills and I have been out on maternity leave. What do you do? Idk... I love him dearly but maybe its gonna take loosing everything to realize what you had. Someone please email me that can relate... I need someone to talk to.

Nick on January 05, 2014:

Wow, just all the stories. I FEEL foe all. My problem is my wife....for the last ten years ha been on doctor authorized drugs along with drinking bouts....for 6 months or more. We sent her to several rehabs (7) or so...cant remember. However included in this mix is a mental problems from both her parents....the mother was just a nutcase who thought she knew everything. To cut a long story short...when talking about political things she would stand up and scream at opposing parties at the top of her lungs how stupid we are. The father was always right even if he was caught in bed with another women or doing a DUI check point.

I just dont know where to go but get out and walk away from a lifetime of what I thought was love and responsibility. Walk away from everything from money, pets, family........dont know it is hard.

My email is some advise...maybe someone in a similar case????

Rebecca from USA on January 04, 2014:

I suggest anyone living with an addict read the links above.

Erica1721 on January 04, 2014:

Rebec i was with my ex for almost 9 years cant count how many times i had to go to court with him for him losing his license for traffic violations & court for childsupport its never ending problems with addicts & they seem to think they cause none of it its everyone else the whole world is against them poor poor them. Do what u need to do for yourself if hes serious about staying clean after he gets help you'll see that but dont neglect yourself your wants & needs anymore, you'll just get deeper into the whole codependancy thing & only focus on him which wont work. Let him know youll still be there for him & u care but your no longer going to neglect yourself. if ya need to chat.

Erica1721 on January 04, 2014:

I completly know where your coming from they know we care about them & want to help them & they will do & say what ever to get the $ out of us or what ever else they want, there just munipulating us & will continue to as long as we give in. My ex sends my a pic of him& his 2 kids on newyears eve saying he hopes im having fun & being safe. Because he knows leaving the kids is really hard for me so just another mind game of his that i also caught on too. Sad i ran into an old friend of his & the ex told him people are after him im sure he screwed another person for thousands. So as i see him wrecking his life even more im so glad i made the decision to leave because if i didnt id b sleeping with 1 eye open next to an empty shell of a man. Instead of laughing with my friends & feeling my confidence coming back more & more everyday im away from all that drama & negativity & loneliness.

Kelly on January 04, 2014:

I also date(d) an addict and I try to help him and I thought that if I put him in a stable environment he would do better - I like to have a few drinks but I don't want to lose my job or house etc. = but he goes on binders - mostly like we get in a fight so he leaves and doesn't answer the phone for days and doesn't even show up for work - If i get mad I still get to my job but thats the difference between an addict then he tells me its my fault that I kicked him out and he was sad - He has done all of the above bs that you guys have stated in a variations. I also had a successful job and nice car and money in the bank and he hit me and took the car that I was late and nobody in the corporate world wants to see a huge blackeye I have gained weight and my health has deteriorated and sometime I think that is why I stay cause who gonna love me now. Even now he is recently in treatment but only to appease the court system - he waited to the last minute to not go to jail to go in and once there he milks it - says he has anxiety and guess what they give him benzo's to come down he is a liar and has been a liar and I see it but I get drawn back in - its almost like he is my drug - I mean who the heck wants to baby sit a grown ass man and the most disgusting part of this is that I had other choices that treated me like a princess they are sober and educated and for some reason I choose /chose the loser alot of my familoy has lost respect

rebec on January 03, 2014:

I need help. My boyfriend and I who are both 25 years old have been dating now for 7 months is a heroin addict. A month into dating he told me about how he went to rehab for it and that he was all clean. I believed him when he told me he was starting a new clean life and I supported everything he did. A month later he got into an accident and hit two parked cars, when he called me and told me what happened, I drove to the accident only to find him in handcuffs in a cop car..the police told me he was under some kind of influence. When he got home that night, he admitted to me that he started using heroin again. He told me that he was going to quit for real and that he needed my support. I cared for him very much and said I would stick with him through this...but things kept getting worse..He thought buying subs off the street would be a smart move and he convinced me to give him 100 dollars to buy them and he would pay me back over time. While he was waiting to go back to court, he was working a part time job as a busy boy for a local restaurant, but all the money he was making somehow was no where to be found. I tried convincing him to put money aside as a savings, but he would always tell me he needed it to buy gas or food for work...but he would somehow still ask me for money for gas or food. He also started to form a cough that would leave him gasping for breathe. He had this cough for over a month and when i would tell him to go to the doctor he would refuse....he went to the hospital within that month. That's where the doctor told his mom and I that the heroin is causing the cough. He promised his mom and I that he was stopping once and for all. His mom took Him to a suboxone doctor where he was given seemed like things were better for a few weeks until one night I got a call that he was arrested for possession. I warned him twice before that if he didn't change i would leave, but once again I stayed because I have fallen madly in love with this guy. I have supported him through all of this and have never left his side because I believed he would get better in order for us to have a future.. I have sacrificed my classes in grad school and have watched myself fail my finals because I wasn't studying but spending the time with him to make sure he was ok. In the past month the cough has returned and he admitted to me and his mom that he needed to go back to detox and he would come out a new man. I believed him and told him i would stand by him through all this. He is there now and won't be out til Tuesday, but on mondsy I received a message on fb from one of his friends saying that I owe him money...( I have no idea who this guy is) apparently my bf borrowed money from this guy and said that I knew and that I would pay this guy back..I had no idea about this. And on top of that, his mom called me and told me that my bf was caught stealing at a grocery story and has to go back to court....unfortunelty I can't even talk to my bf about this because he is detox til Tuesday. I am sitting here crying because I am afraid for him and for myself and I don't know where to go and who to turn too. His mom has been my only support system and if i told my friends or family about what's going ( though my mom is becoming suspicious because of his behavior) they would flip out. I love him so much but I am starting to see a different scarier side to me and a scarier side to him. I am so lost in emotion. He told me if I leave I will be abandoning him....please someone help me

Erica1721 on December 28, 2013:

Yea i know the feeling janice i got called every name in the book when i'd confront him that he was high or got caught in a lie would swear on everyones lives he wasnt using. Its very hard & ya want so bad to help them & get them on the right path but if they dont want help or is ready for help nothing will get them to stop & everything will stay exactly as it is now. I feel so much better about myself & finally feel my life will amount to something instead of standing still never growing & constintly being sad & sorry to say but in the 9 years i was with him nothing changed for the better everything just got worse no matter what i did untill i left. I finally feel strong again & can accomplish anything. I cant tell u what to do only you can make the choice for yourself to leave or stay. But no one should ever make you feel like your being used & worthless misery loves company. Look within yourself & decide what u want for yourself & life & if u have children do you want your kids to feel like you do? I hope you find the strenth to make a decision so you no longer have be on the emotional roller coaster ride.

janice conklin on December 27, 2013:

my husband is pills i get call names and put down i am toll you need to go and get some money were i can get me apill and if i do not i can stay in my house he will not and i pay all the bills can i get out

Erica1721 on December 27, 2013:

Yea i think your right been thinking about that for a while, they are going to florida to visit with his other son that lives with their mother so im hoping she sees hes all messed up & if she doesnt im calling.. Conveinant i went to get some things last night told him im putting all my furniture in storage & took my dog he of course freaked out saying im not taking my futniture after i told him id give him my couch & bed & he has a tv the only thing he actually owns , telling me how screwed up i am that i walked out on his son & that im screwing up his head. They always say something to hurt us what they know bothers us..everyones telling me he getting scared that this time is becoming to real that im not coming back this time & that might just make him hit his bottom..its very strange the signs ive been getting since i left telling me i definitly made the right decision 1st was my chinese fortune cookie that read ' your troubles will cease & fortune will smile upon you' my second sign was recieving a call from my cousin that my uncle let me a big chunk of change in his will, not knowing anything about my situation. If they arent signs someone is watching over all of us i dont know what is. That call couldnt have came at a better time, all though im very sad & miss my uncle very much he saved my life & showed me there is hope for us all

itneverends on December 26, 2013:

Erica maybe you should call social services, anonymously even, to let them know about the 9 year old son. He could end up abused living with a drug addict/alcoholic. He may be better off in foster care or maybe they would place him with a family member. The foster care system can require the dad clean up, and be tested to confirm he is clean if he wants to get his son back. That child cannot handle his dad any better than any of us could. Please send some help for the kid.

Erica1721 on December 24, 2013:

Aw im glad i did thats what we are all here for to help one another, love & learn from our mistakes so we can all grow. email me if you need to chat

Heidi Delbert Bivens Templeton on December 15, 2013:

You will never know how much you have helped me with your story. I finally have the courage to do what I should have a long time ago. Thanks Hon as you may have saved my life and definitely my sanity!

Erica on December 13, 2013:

Hello everyone im so touched with everyones story that theres so many good kindhearted people too love & care that much about another human being to stick around & endure all the pain that comes with an addicts life. we all try so hard to help them, protect them,show them they were loved,make them feel they werent alone & make there lives easier when our lives are getting harder because of the pain they were inflicting. But there does come a time when all the pain we feel is just to much for our hearts & minds to hold on too. My time was up 3 weeks ago when i just packed a bag & left everything i had &loved & knew for the past 8 years, my fiance his 9 year old son my animals my belongings our home. that day was a day i'll never forget. it started off with the electric being shut off & me asking my step mother to borrow $800. & him of course not being home, he came home 15 min before the electric company was closing we rushed down there & had to pay it with our rent that was due that day that again he didnt have all the money for so i paid it. i knew he was on something was slurring his words kept repeating himself but he didnt show any emotion about the whole ordeal. we got home & i was so over welmed i went into my bedroom so his son wouldnt see me cry, he comes in after a while sees me crying & asks me what he should tell the landlord twice than walks away mad mumbling that i just couldnt answer him.that just broke my heart. i didnt wanna say anything with his sob there so i text him asking him how he can just watch me cry & walk away like i was nothing at all & his responce was he needed to charge his phone it was dead.. i said im leaving i have to get out of there for a while & he says he gotta go pickup $ & will be back in 2 hours, like always 5 hours went by he missed his sons school conference that his son was excited about because he'd be getting his report card which was good, i sat there in my room crying for 5 hours knowing that was it for me i couldnt feel like that anymore, Which totally told me what i needed to do.i called his son in as i could barely talk & i couldnt look at him knowing i was leaving him & told him i had to go out that i wasnt leaving because of him & to call his father & tell him i left.. i knew hed come home if i did that so i walked out & waited behind the house for him to come home so his son wasnt really alone, & had my girlfriend waiting for me. So here i am living with her in her tiny room out of my bag & a drawer & cant thank her enough,that is a true friend someone thats there for u at the drop of a hat like we all were for the addicts in our life. Its very hard knowing i left his son there & that he has to now deal with the mood swings alone that i cant try & hide him from bad ones& the being left at his friends house till his father gets home & not being cared for like he should be.. But i no longer feel like i walked out on my fiance when he needed my help because he doesnt want my help to be clean hes not ready to be free of his addiction, i made it to easy for him he had a babysitter,a maid a cook,someone to split all the bills or end up paying them while his$ is spent on his drugs.. I had it all when i met him a house, credit, a nice bankaccount, cars to living out of my bag & a drawer in my girlfriendsroom with no $ no car.. but no more waiting for him to come home, bo more wondering what his doing for 14 hours, no more wondering if hes cheating, no more seeing his sons face when hes disapointed that his fathers not home again or he sick on the couch & dont wanna b bothered, no more wondering if hes in jail or overdosed & thats why hes not answering my calls or texts.. no more walking on eggshells, no more picking up his mess, no more wondering who he texts all day when he was home, no more being nervous hes going to burn the house down when hes smoking & nodding off. No more finding brillo pad pieces around knowing thats how he smoked crack,No more listening to him lying to me or anyone else. no more telling me i do nothing but sit in bed than the next day he doesnt know what hed dowithout me.The list goes on & on. I think theres still a good guy in him somewhere i did see him sometimes & felt him. But ive watched him go from alchol to percs to heroine to oxycodone &xanex to coke than crack while being on methadone the whole time, now still oxys & adderall & coke when he picks it up. I cant watch him kill himself anymore now knowing i cannot help him that nothing i did helped but gave him the freedom to do what he wanted when he wanted. We were given our lives to live,love& learn not to let someones addiction take that from us as well as them.we can all only do so much to try & put someone on the right path & show them they are loved & have a life to fight for & people that love them to fight for, but they have to feel it & want it we cant make them see.... Erica If anyone wants to vent or needs to talk feelfree to email me at

janice on December 10, 2013:

i am withsome one that is on pill i would like for him to go some were but not here he will not go i payfor every thinghe will not pay for one thing so yow i get out

Rebecca from USA on November 30, 2013:

I did not read all the responses to this hub. I'm really sorry for all that you went through, but I believe you made the right decision. You tried to help someone you love(d), you cannot force someone to care for themselves or sobriety, addictions are horrible, and wreck many lives. I'm glad you chose not to let his addictions ruin yours.

itneverends on November 06, 2013:

At the end of our long term relationship my significant other fell off the wagon and has been on an off for 8 long years. He lives with me, I buy his food and supply him a car. I spent 6 years living with another person and continued to keep a seperate place to live for my ex to live in as he could not support himself. I am now almost into a year long relationship with a new man, still supporting my ex an he still lives with me.

He is finally working again as of 1 month ago but does not make a living wage so his rent, auto, food and medical expenses are still up to me to cover. I have worked basically 7 days a week to cover his expenses and mine for the last 8 years. The man I lived with for 6 years and the new man I am currently involved with for a year both were and are unhappy that my ex lives in my home and I support him. It is a mess that I do not know how to mercifully end. There is little place for my ex to go, outside of back to his parents home which he does not want to do as they were abusive to him as a child.

He is a sweet and freindly guy, was a good life partner in our past relationship and a very supportive freind, so I would like to remain good freinds with but I am just tired of paying his expenses. It's like I have a child. I would like to live more of my own dreams and save for retirement and have medical care, none of which I can afford as I am taking care of him. My freinds tell me to stop taking care of him yet they do understand my compassion and motivation for doing it. I do worry I am getting older, so my time is growing shorter to accomplish my own life goals. It's like he is an anchor and it seems so unfair to be stuck with his problems yet the same time I worry about him dying if I do not support him.

Letty on November 03, 2013:

Read a lot of this stories. I live with and addict, methadone. Meet him 4 years ago. I didn't know what he was doing. I know how all this people feel. It is the most devasting and painfull feeling. Seem him destroying his life and everybody around him. Scared me just to thing I have to get home and see him like that. I love him with all my heart. But I need to leave him. If I do not leave I will die. He getting aggressive . He just want to inject him self. Right now he been in the bathroom for over and hour. I'm watching tv but I paying attention to what his doing. Because like the other person said they fall as sleep. And they can die any moment. Because they don't have control of there body . There legs get weak, there breathing get to slow and he just can stay still. I'm very sorry for them because this is a illness. They need help, but how can we help them if they do not let us.

Darren68 on October 13, 2013:

I`ve been with my fiance Michelle for six years this year.I`m 45,she`s 44.I lost my wife,soul mate of 22 years and mother to my two boys(16 and 10) in 2007 to ovarian cancer.Michelle it happens is my dead wife`s second cousin.We met when I was 17,she was 16,through Leanne my then gf who I was infatuated with and later became my wife and soul mate.We were always best friends.But there was a silent undeniable spiritual and physical attraction between Michelle and I at that time when we were teenagers but we didnt act on anything,Leanne was my priority and Michelle tho I didnt know it had a bf back home.But there was always this underlying feeling that one day,maybe one day,who knows.Over the next 22 years I never saw Michelle again,she went about her life getting together with a guy,having three girls and playing happy families a fair distance away but Leanne had a regular connection with her every now and then.Leanne and I did the same,built a loving family of our own together and loved life and our kids until cancer came into it in mid 2007,she would die by the 25th of Sept leaving us lost,completely lost,depressed,angry with little feeling for life but I was aware I had to be strong for our boys then only 10 and 4 years old.She died 3 weeks after her 40th birthday,I was 39.Mum was their best friend I felt gutted and helpless for them as I did for Leanne with the aggressive cancer riddling her rapidly deteriorating health.I was superiorly angry with an aspect of our lives,I was determined to find out the identity of the family member who systematically abused my dead wife as a child,it affected Leanne`s life in a way that I utterly resented as her soul mate and partner.I got a name through one of her uncles.'Linlee'.It was familiar,I searched through the photo albums and found it,a funeral card of Linlee Thompson,Michelle`s dead father!I thought "WHAT".I jumped on the phone to call Michelle regardless of the fact that I maybe wrong,to let her know what I`ve discovered about her father.She was surprised to hear my voice,and she even recognised who I was straight away even though we hadnt spoken to each other since we were teenagers.She also was gutted with Leanne`s death,she never got the chance to see her before she died which made it harder to deal with.When I told her what good old uncle Peter told me about her fathers abuse of Leanne as a child she was surprisingly calm and confused,her dad actually killed himself at the age of 40.She told her mum,she was also confused yet calm about it.In the end I discovered good old uncle Peter led me down the garden path and just gave me a random name that just happened to be very similar to Michelle`s dad`s name which left me feeling not just a fool but extremely aggressive towards uncle Peter for lying about such an issue that meant as much as it did to me.Anyway this led to the ice breaker between Michelle and I and it was prior to Leanne`s funeral,that`s where we laid eyes on each other again after 22 years,and nothing had changed.That undeniable attraction had gone nowhere.To cut another long story short we ended up together by the end of that year,thrown out by the father of her three girls then aged 10,16 and 19.They also had a 21 year history together.The reality of that one day had arrived and was sinking in,it lifted me out of the deep depression I was in after losing Leanne,happiness felt so near yet there was an underlying feel of so far as well.It was happy times for us in the early days,we were strong and confident of dealing with all the animosities that arose from our union which we did,although Michelle found it a little tougher be labelled a slut,a mother that gives up her children and basically no good by my mother,someone that did not even know her at all.We battled through,and there were some really tough times.She almost killed herself smashing her car into a parked car and putting her head through the windscreen at 4.30 am on her way back from the emergency dept of hospital when she fell ill for days earlier,vomiting black bial,not leaving my bed and not wanting any help.Her explanation for the accident was brake failure.It wasnt.She finally admitted to her mother,two sisters and three daughters after they came to help get her out of my place and pack her things that she has a massive pill addiction(sedatives,pain pills) and has had it for that last twenty odd years.It turned out she dropped a total of 50 sedatives in four hours during her wait in the emergency dept.Hospital staff discharged her not being aware of it and she fell asleep at the wheel of car just five minutes from home.She opened up to me about her addiction to pain pills,sedatives,occasionally morphine or anything with codeine.There were various reasons as to why she chose to become so addicted and dependent,but none that actually made any sense whatsoever.She blames her nan for introducing them to her as a child whenever she would complain to her of a headache,which sounded like a copout.She blamed the so called awful life she had with her ex partner and took them in order to block her mind,and she also had an evil long time best friend who would constantly encourage her take whatever pharmaceuticals they could get their addicted hands on.It`s been six years now.She managed to get off and stay off the sedatives after the realisation I think of her own denial to herself,that she fell asleep at the wheel.Thankfully doctors and the medical community is more alert to morphine addiction and have taken serious steps to curb the availability and need of the drug amongst addicts,though it seemed to be the most effective treatment for her migraines,the disadvantages far outweighed the benefits,and it served to only keep the frequency of her migraines at a constant.Now she doesnt have the morphine option and the migraine frequency has dropped.

I can seriously relate to every aspect you mention with regard to feeling like a baby sitter.Everything you said about having to constantly watch them is exactly what I feel I need to do with Michelle.As I type I look at the burn marks on my keyboard,the mouse,its all as you say.I constantly worry about the possibility of her burning down the home of my boys and us,addicts of this sort of stuff are so damned vague.She wrecked and wrote off another car of hers and a parked car in a fast food carpark since the first accident.This time I was with her,and I could not phathom the amount of damage she created.My immediate thought was for the safety of any occupants in the other car,thankfully it was empty.Her excuse was "she thought she was putting her foot on the brake"when it was on the accelerator,but the amount of time she had to realise the fact seemed to be forever.It seemed as if the lights were on but nobody was home,she was so vague.

Something I`m finding harder and harder to deal with on a regular basis is the fact that pain pill addicts appear to feel no appreciation whatsoever,no appreciation of themselves or loved ones.It`s as if the blocking out process of years of abuse has also blocked out the ability of regular feelings that we non addicted take for granted in order to function and appreciate all we see,hear,taste,smell,love and do in our everyday lives.And deep down I think I know,but I dont know what my next step is to do about it.

I`ve been holding onto the serious thought for the last five years that maybe love will hold out and break this thing,but in this case I think that`s a one street.I realised an addict cannot love,not even to save their life!

Many thanks for your story,you tell it well.

Ali on October 08, 2013:

I just found out that my husband is using oxicontants. I'm so at awe, i can't stop crying. He just ad mitted to me.

How to deal with it?

What to do?

Should i end this now since I just found out and know there is a long road for him?

Should I respect our father Gods marriga commitment through sickness. through health?

I'm so herart and confused. what do i do? there is times he is so violent to me. I never though i would be wityh a drug addict. IT SUCKS.

Nicki on October 05, 2013:

Glad to know I'm not alone, my drug addict husband is not leaving...trying to get a divorce, its not good, but I will be ok,.

Michele on September 29, 2013:

Hi im married 2yrs and it my husband was a recovering addict until we had a car accident and now its Vicodin Xanax and addderall he takes so many he gets mean and we fight he has put his hand son me thrown me i say thign i should not say but im so hurt i love him btu i cant do it im so tired and if i leave i truely have nobody to help me at all. no body he is my only family. funny isnt it the one i need cant help me.

ChristinaBatchelo on September 03, 2013:

As I sit hear and read my story over and over again and all I can cry. It has been since Friday night now so.this time it is going on 4 days. He has are only car and I just knew he would be here by this morning to bring our daughter to school. I am so angry, hurt, worried, scared, etc. Let me give you some backround of myself. I am 33 and have know about addiction since I can remember. My mother wa an addict so I ended up in and out of foster homes until 9. Thank God she got into recovery. Lets fast forward. Around 16 I myself became addicted to pcp. I had a baby at 16 at 18 I started selling crack 19 I had another baby and lost both of them to the system. Now all I thought was are safe and I am free. With no responsibility I went wild. I met a man Keith when I turned 21 and 6 months later we were married. Still smoking pcp I never knew my husband was an addict as well. His choice crack. Now all.this time I never knew I had a problem. I.could maintain. I had a job I.was in school and I was good right? Well then I lost my daughter for good she was put.up for adoption. I found out I was pregnant again. Throughtout the five years me and keith were together he would go on missions gone for days at a time. so worried. I would always go out and find him and bring him home. In 2005 he got so bad the violence started. He slapped me and busted my face I needed 9 stitches. Two weeks.later we were so behind on bills he sold his truck and gave me the money. I gave him a hundred dollars and hid 4000.That night he broke my jaw. I went to visit and when I came home he was gone. I checked where I hid the money. It was gone. I.called him flipping. Telling him I hate him he was a crackhead that I hated him and I wanted a divorce. This time I didnt go look for him. I got the phone call 2 days later. He was found overdosed in a hotel. That sent me into overdrive. With the state getting involved again they took my soon because they drug tested me. I was so hurt filled with so much hurt anger all I wanted was to get high. 3 months later I met Marcel. Boy can I pick.them. by this time I was selling.a whole lot and getting.high. I.gave up on life. They ended up.adopting my.son too. A few months Marcel I find out.he also smokes crack. But in my.crazy mind all I.thought was I can change this him. 2 years later we were just down hill I lost everything. Marcel was way worse in his addiction. So we decided to change. We moved from CT to FL. Best and worse decision of my life. Ok let me bring we have been here for almost 6 years and I am clean. Not from rehab not.from na but For me it was the will to live the will to.want to.change. I had two more babies down here and I thank them for Now as for Marcel. He has been in and out.of.jail since we been here. Everytime he relapsed it just gets worse. But I.can change him. I wont give up on him like I did keith. I love him, I think. He had 11 months clean wow this is the longest he has had. Yes I can finally have the family I always wanted. He is a great father and we love him. Well a month ago it started all over again. The lies, the bad additude, disappearing. Now as I sit here wondering how will I get our daughter tomorrow all I.can do is cry. I know addicts only want to get high but to not come bavk to bring your daughter to school I am dumbfounded. I have been clean for 6 years and fighting his addiction for 8. When will I get enough? Why cant I love me more to let him go. I am in pain. I cant eat cant sleep I am just so depressed. But I am clean shouldnt I be happy? I want to report the car stolen but I dont want him to jail. I am about to pack all of his stuff and put it at the door. Whenever he comes back he has to leave or go into rehab. I love him but I can not live like this anymore. Please pray for not only us but everyone else afflicted with this horrible disease. My email is and add me on facebook Christina Batchelor

Caezar on August 31, 2013:

It seems that I am the only one that will comment from the other side.. You are no matter how you feel a very strong person for standing beside your love.. Weather you can have a relationship or not at this time is not the issue , the love is.. I can tell you from my own experience that I lost everything that I loved and thought loved me back.. Long story short . Car accident after that I didn't even realize there was a problem until 3 months later when I stopped taking everything I ended up in hospital for two weeks for what they believed at the time may have been h1n1 that's when I had my eyes opened too what I had become... And rather than ever fell like that again I got lost inside myself for years. I had ALLWAYS had large amounts of money so for me money had no relavence but because the longer you are like that and are in that zone the colder and more numb you become.. Even now I am one of the hardesteople too impress ... I have too literally every day try and remember that their has too be a flower that might look good today.. Or someone may intrest me.. It's literally impossible to have a relationship when you are this way . Especially over as many years ... And when I saw that the people around me didn't love me anymore cause how could they I don't

LOve myself. I became a Howard Hugh's a recluse .. Maybee talk too five people I'n my whole life never leave my condo have people that work for me bring my food... It's horrible .. I don't know why I decided to tell you this since I have never in my life contacted anyone on the computer other than email... But I wanted you to understand that it's not your fault and for the fact the you still love the person and cry for them daily he is blessed because even thou you may not be in love with who they have become you love them as a person.. And would be there if they were to try and stand up again.. That is rare.. I may be able to buy people but what I would give for someone to be able to know me and love me for the real me. There is no way to have any relationship when you are this way bacause the person has to come out of the fog first. I would be no good for anyone I was with right now romantically ... All I would do is hurt them.. So I don't bother.. If you take or anyone takes anything from this . Realize that it's not your fault addiction personalitys are all consuming it's a love hate relationship within your own psyche and feels like your insane and would do anything to make it stop.. How can you think of another person when you can't even think of yourself... Take care of yourselves and let go of the things you can't control.. Good luck I hope this helped in some way

Amanda B. on August 30, 2013:


I just wanted to say a huge THANK YOU for your blog!! It literally brings me to tears reading your story and everyone else's story. It makes me feel a little better in my situation. I feel like my life is in shambles right now.

I have known my fiance and father of my son since middle school. We went to high school and worked together as teens. We dated and had a little connection but eventually just went our own ways.

Fast forward 8 years later and I bump into him again. I had 2 children from a previous relationship (My ex was a horrible, verbally abusive, drug addict) When i met him again, he was so soft spoken, seemed so patient and just was an over all good guy. He didn't have a great job, but I saw something in him and felt like he just needed some guidance. I stressed to him that I did not want to be with a drug addict and how important that was to me. He had told me that he used to smoke weed but he didnt anymore and I believed him and things were great. After 3 months of dating, I became pregnant. We both got great jobs and seemed to be on the right path and had goals. He worked very hard, working a lot of overtime and I felt like he was the man of my dreams. He vowed to take care of me and my kids and they saw him and still see him as their dad. He wanted to eventually adopt them and love them like his own.

He was introduced to synthetic marijuana by one of the guys at his work. He started smoking but it took me a while to find out. Once I did find out I was already in love with him. I was about 6 months pregnant when I found out. Things slowly have gone down hill from then. He ended up getting laid off and has had more jobs than I count on my hands in just a year. Once he was unemployed his drug use worsened and got bad to where he smokes every 30 minutes. I took on the financial responsibilities for the most part while he would get jobs and quit them or get fired. He has f'd off so many potentially good jobs.

My kids are young, I have a 6, a 4 and one year old. He is a good father for the most part. Well when he has his fix. He is very close to my kids and is very very close to our son. The kids favor him more than they favor me.

I worked hard to get us a house and we have been there for almost 3 months. He has totally become a different person that I can't recognize anymore. He relies on drugs to get through the day. I have cried, begged, kicked, screamed, threatened, bargained. He has spent bill money, sold copper, donated plasma, took money from my purse and the list goes on!! He is literally living out of his car and has no clothes, no toiletries, no job, no money and his car is about to break down!And he tells me he will let me know when he is ready. WOW! All the drama all the back and forth and him being away from the kids and that's not enough to make him stop. As soon as I pressure him to quit and get his life on track he leaves and I dont hear from him for a couple of days. He calls says he will stop and comes back and does the same thing over and over again.

I'm so drained and depressed and tired. I am the only one fighting for my family and relationship and i'm going in circles. I love this man more than anything. And I ask God why he would bring him back in my life just to tear my world and heart apart. I feel like this was my only chance to give my kids a father figure because I dont ever want them to be confused. I feel like I can never ever get married and have a different man live in my house because I don't want to put my kids through that. I feel like I am pulling him to stay and am dumb for thinking that he was ever going to be there for me. I feel so alone and so much pain to where I dont know how I will be able to recover from this. My kids cry for him and I don't know what to tell them . People ask about us and what am I supposed to say? Im in love with a drug addict. I am chasing a fantasy of a man that is not there anymore. I hope that I can heal from this and I hope that eventually he will snap out of it and be the man and father that I know he can be.

My heart goes out to anyone and everyone who has every had a loved one that is an addict. Its the most heart wrenching feeling watching the person that you love the most spiral down and not care about his life or anything. My heart is with you all tonight!!


tripod396 on December 08, 2012:

With regards to Jason's post regarding marijuana:

I have a 25 year old son who is now so deep into marijuana use that he blows his ck buying weed and made new friends who do the same thing. It started 2 years ago when he started to get into it as he started to hang out with stoner much older than him. I have had failed spinal surgery and have to deal with chronic pain and prescribed ALL sorts of narcotic pain killers. In the beginning, I didn't take notice that my pills were missing until I found out that he was selling them to buy weed.

My son has been my caregiver and a very lovable and caring person. His marijuana use however has changed everything! His entire demeanor has changed and all that matters to him now is to hang out and be with his newfound friends.

He stopped checking on me through text that he used to do all the time and gives me all sorts of excuses that you would normally give or say to a child while I can see him texting all day long even while driving. He stopped giving me my meds, stopped coming home for dinner, stopped taking me out of the house....I pretty much have to fend for myself.

He has this so called friend that actually is just using him and he falls for it all the time. He eats, sleeps, and breaths marijuana. He drives to work high and comes home to go straight to bed and snores. Now, there is no time of day that he doesn't smoke especially when he feels it fade and would want more and more.

His interests and priorities have all changed. His whole perspective in life has changed and all revolves around marijuana and getting high with his newfound friends. I barely see him except when he goes to bed and snore. EVERYDAY, this is his routine.

I'm afraid that one of these days I will receive a call either from the hospital or the police.

Marijuana has changed his entire being right in front of my eyes and I can't do anything about it. I spoke to him one time and in response, he yelled at me and said that he's an adult. This is a part of him that I never even knew would exist in him. I wish I dealt with this when he was in high school rather than now that he's an adult and acting like a HS kid.

It all went from a simple get high/happy feeling to something uncontrollable and turned him into a completely different person.

How then can marijuana be good for anyone?

I grew up in the 60's and 70's but today's marijuana is so much stronger and chemical induced compared to what we had back then.

I can now only wish and pray that one of these days he opens his eyes and accept that he has a problem. Biggest problem to be solved is to get away from these people he refers to as "friends".

Hayley on August 25, 2012:

Why are people on here advertising witch doctors? Shame on them making up fake stories to exploit people who are going through so much already. Do not trust these people or give them money. They should be removed from this blog.

Hope this helps on June 30, 2012:

To all of you agonizing over what to do, or feeling guilty for giving up on the addict in their life:

Many people have to give up and get away for their own sanity, and no one deserves to have their lives, hopes and self worth swallowed up by another person's addiction.

If you can support you're loved one without it destroying you that's one thing, but if you can't or don't want to anymore then you shouldn't feel guilty for giving up and wanting to live your life. If you have kids, RUN and don't look back.

Do what you have to for your and (if you have them) your kid's happiness. You never know, seeing you are happy and living your life may give your addict some perspective, make them see that it's up to them to change and you are not to blame or responsible for their actions. Seems to have worked for many on here who have got clean.

Best wishes to all, and well done to those of you who've been strong enough to move on with your lives whether you're escaping the addict or the addiction! xx

Emily Canipe on June 20, 2012:

This touched me so deeply. I really believe that God has to intervene with an addict. My best friend all through high school, moved away after graduating to pursue a career in nursing, had a job in a hospital in NY, had a brand new cadillac and everything... she was introduced to heroin, and that was it. She moved back down to NC, we reunited, and I automatically knew something was wrong. For 2 years, I watched her turn into this beautiful italian girl, into someone that literally looked like they walked out of a concentration camp. I never gave up on her. I never gave into her either. I took her in oneday, after 5 days of detox. She had people threatening to kill her because she knew where their meth labs were. It was so disturbing, but I took her in. I prayed with her during her seizures, I prayed with her during her convulsions... and I am here to say that God heals. Today, she has her color back, she isn't 90 lbs anym0re - she is 150lbs. She loves life, and she worships God daily. She went from homeless, to approaching 200 days of sobriety, Vanessa has learned to love herself. Right in the middle of an addiction that was killing her, she found God. and God is so good. We cannot change addicts, we cannot make them do anything.. ALL we can do is pray. & pray passionately. I cannot even count how many times I prayed for her, on my knees begging God to just intervene. I told Vanessa everyday that it does not matter what she does, God hears her. and he did. and he showed up right on time. Right when I just knew I was going to bury my best friend.

May God be with you all. Pray for these people. It isn't hard to love an addict, it's just hard to watch the person you care for literally kill themselves, right in front of you.

Kings Mountain, North Carolina

Jessica on June 06, 2012:


My husband of a 11 years is addict I have dealt with his addiction for 11 years and his lying for that long I finally kicked him out. I'm so tired of the lies and him slowly killing everything he touches I feel so hurt and so much pain I wish I didn't love him, I know I deserve more then a liar and a drug addict that spends every moment figuring how he can fool me and still smoke meth he has been a good provider that yells and screams at me calls me names and in the past has hit me. I had to just write that out because the pain the drugs always done. I'm scared right now because I was in a car accident a couple of years ago that has kept me from being able to work and he is the only one thats been bringing money home I have no family and I lost all my friends because of him I have no one.

Jason on June 05, 2012:

Let me tell all of you who are staying with addicts and wonder why they lie and dont stop. It is because you or someone or something is enabling them to keep doing what they are doing. If you are being around making sure people are breathing when there sleeping trying to show love and comfort to them this is enabling. Giving money a place to stay all enabling. Its easy for an addict when they are enabled and nothing changes they make thier addiction your problem guess what stop enabling and all of a sudden it becomes thier problem then they will need to make a choice on fixing it or not after they make that choice you then can decide if you stay with them or not.

Also Marijuana is not a drug so dont lump it in with pills coke meth and alcohol because marijuana has never killed anyone is not physically addicting and is not bad for you. There is no come down.

Anonymous on June 03, 2012:

Wow , I'm sorry to hear all you went thru.

An addict will never know the hurt and pain and damage he causes

I've been thru hell and back with my first love at age 16 we broke up at age 20 or 21 till now at age 30 well go thru periods of not talking 5 years , 3 years etc and every time we find each other or run into each other well talk hell seem ok and better and working keeping a job etc and I'm like wow finally mayb we can be together because I really feel he is my soulmate and I've tried dating all types of men I couldn't stop wanting my love this beast of a man , down the line the truth unfolds I catch him nodding of and I simply ask are you using again he says no I just f'd up today little bit I'm like really !!!

Way the hell a week ago were talking bout the possibility of getting back together getting our families involved talking marriage kids etc and this again it all feels like a bad nightmare I'll never wake up from , I can be without him but my soul will never let him go I tried being and living someone else I just can't and 14 years later I still feel connected even him gone or not a part of my life sometimes I wish I never ever met him .... Not only is he damaging his life I'm a sober person always have been not even a drink or Advil even my life in the men and family kids marriage department is shot , I could never be w anyone else no matter how I try and try this man is my heart I'd jump thru fire for him, I just don't get it he can have what he wants a good life etc but you choose a quick fix that prob don't do it for you anymore after years and years of use , I tried to n friends even and that can't work , I just don't understand how a beast this junkie this drug addict , how deep down inside of him how can he care for me in the ways he does how can he try and protect me in the ways he does how can he even being separate from him all year years je knew and made sure I was ok , kept in contact w my mom etc why ! Why would you do these things and hold on when you can just get high and say f$&k it !

Me Too on June 01, 2012:

Sorry to hear everyone's stories here. I can definitely understand the pain you're going through. YOUR NOT ALONE! My wife and I have been married about 15 years, much of which she's been addicted to various prescription medications -- pain medications, muscle relaxants, valium and sleeping pills.

She is miserable as I assume most addicts are. She expects me to be loving and doting over her and doesn't understand that being around someone who is stumbling around, slurring her speech and wanting to have long incoherent conversations makes me miserable.

She's overdosed two or three times and I've had to call the paramedics to take her to the hospital. A couple of weeks ago my son had to walk her out of a restaurant while I went to get the car because she could barely walk -- that was extremely embarrassing. She just tries to say "well it doesn't happen all the time so it shouldn't be a big deal". Well it should NEVER happen!

If I left and took the kids, I know she wouldn't survive. Staying with her is no picnic either. The kids are affected badly either way. Neither option is good!

Penny on June 01, 2012:

I have been with my husband for 21 year we became friends in high school. I was the bad girl and he was the good guy. We got together about a year after we finished school and i smoked pot and drank and he was clea. One day some thing clicked andwe were driving and i rolled the window down a threw my pot out the window and looked at him and said from this moment on im never drinking or smoking again! He was so proud of me thin a year later he started ssmoking pot. I was fine with it no harm. Boy was i wrong!! He started tryng more drugs but was still a great guy. Then we had a child... i noticed he started changingand putting his friends before me. I went out with co-works one night and when i got home he had friends over and i noticed our daughters baby pic laying flay on the dresser and when i picked it up it had white powder on it so i asked him and he said ya i used it to snort coke off it with my friends like is was no big deal!! I lost it thrw everyone out and said how could you use your child pic to snort dru with your friends!! It kept getting worse so i cheated on him and was going to leave him. When i told him he freaked out and promised he would change and i thought he was changing then he asked me to marry him and said he would stop all the drugs!! Well that was a lie.. but i ignored it like a fool. Then my oldest sister died from a dotor giving her the wtong med combonation. And my other sister who was on drugs was hi and crashed her car in to a semi truck and died 8 months after my other sister. I was devistated!! In those 8 months i attended 4 funerals all related to drugs one way or another and i thought it would wake him up but nope!! We have faught so many time we even had a fist fight infront of our daughter over his drug use. For a while now he's been great so i thought... i started noticing the dark bags under the eyes then i start finding the hidden straws and foil of course there not his!! And i shouldn't be going through his things. A week ago i walked in on him in the bathroom and noticed he had a scared look on his fave so i moved the towel on the floor next to him and wouldn't you know... foil!! This morning i picked up hi shorts and a baggy of pill were in his pocket the look like morphine or oxys so i hid them and got back in bed well when he woke up he was all ilove you and mr nice then he relized his pills are gone he went from nice to asshole in a split second. And demanded his pills back so i said its me or the pills.. well he said he wasn't giving up his pills or me and i told him he couldn't have both he said he was staying on his drugs!! So i told him to take his cloths and stay at his dealer house and he said this was his house and he'd come and go as he pleased.. so no i don't know what to do!! His elderly dad lives with us and he has no ideal his sons an addict and i cant tell him it would break his heart. I have no where to go and my husband took all the money when he left for work this morning. I dont know if he's coming home or what i know if he comes home it will be a fight..shiuld i call the cops and have him arrested i found all his parafinalia...would tbey arrest him for that?? I Dont have a job because he got me fired becwuse he called wanting me to come home for lunch and i couldn't so he called back in a rage yelling at my boss who happened to be his sister!! I was so humiliated being fired in front of the whole office by my sister in law. I feel like im trapped and i cant let him do this to me any more but i have nothing and no where to go... i feel so alone!!!

ouiza on May 31, 2012:

My nightmare started 3 years ago. From thinking after nearly 30 years with my husband (both us aged 54, I found out that he had started snorting methamphetamine. He hid it from me for ages unitl I caught him with it one day and asked him what the hell he was doing? He said he started through boredom, which I found so hard to believe as we had a really good relationship, did lots of entertaining and have two wonderful kids (26 & 20)who are very close to our hearts and we had a beautiful relationship. He said something was missing after he had to give up playing soccer, was plagued with injuries and had avoid in his life. He has promised so many times to stop and has done (as far as I know) a couple of times. This has driven me almost mad, I dont have any trust, I check up on him all the time and even check his phone records to see if he has contacted the dealer. He says we need to trust each other! There have been so many things that have happened over the last 3 years, one mistake I made was to tell him that I had had a one night stand with another man 25 years ago. Everytime I brought up that he was using he would always say that I had been dishonest in the past and seemed to think this was a good reason for him to do as he was doing. I denyed it for so long but eventually I told him. I was hoping that with this truth of mine he would be more truthful with me and we wouldnt have the mistrust between us. By was I wrong!!! After telling me he woould never bring it up again, everytime I confront him with drug use, he brings uup that I was unfaithful, it was only on one occasion and I have regretted it ever since. This is his only weapon against me, but tries to make me guilty and pass his wrong doing on to me. We have been to see drug councillors but he decided he could stop on his own. We both stopped drinking and things were looking good. When I say drinking,it was just socialble and maybe sometimes we would go "overboard". I am by no means an angel and dont profess to be so, all I do know is this is ruining our once happy household, with the lies and deceit. It as if he is having an affair but not with another woman, its with his drugs. I have even tried not caring as all the stress was making me ill and really affecting our relationship, so I left him alone and said nothing, hoping he would find the old him and make the realisation that it was all a mistake. This didnt work either! We had a birthday party here for a good friend and he disappeared, I get a 6th sense and can tell when something is amiss. I brought it up the following day, just saying that we both needed to get help, he didnt bring it up again all weekend so I spoke to him again on the Monday. Denial, denial, denial, and blaming me for my dalliance all those years ago. Then he tells me he will be fine and I must trust him and he will show me. Well I am still waiting!!!!

I am really happy to know that I am not the only one out there facing the same problems, but so distressed that we all have to go through such a devastation!!

TheSameBoat on May 28, 2012:

I am learning that addiction is a lifelong struggle for my husband. It will not change tomorrow or the next day. He couldn't come home from a 'picnic' last night because his friends told him to take a nap. I am glad he did not drive and put himself or others at risk, but I'm not sure how long I am willing to continue on this roller coaster.

Like many of the others, I knew he a had a problem in the "past". He wasn't an addict, he said. He can handle himself, he said. Now, it is I who cries and wonders what tomorrow will hold. He doesn't care. He only wants to know how messed up he will be able to get.

I suppose we can only help as long as we can help. After that we have to help ourselves to a better life.

David on May 27, 2012:

Hi I read your story and I can relate in a different way I'm the addict cocaine my wife just left me we have two weeks separated I went through loads of drugs and alcohol just to get to where I'm at now rock bottom I love her I want her back but she won't talk to me I want to die bad I just want her to help me I want to stop but the only thing that helps with the pain I feel because she is gOne is cocaine I need advise before doing something stupid here's my number text me 4694324958 I'm David all I need is a chance thank u and I'm sorry for even bothering u all

mommieof4 on May 26, 2012:

My boyfriend is addicted to crack cocaine and heroin (girl). His family decide to keep it from me because they didn't want to interfere ... but I feel like they didn't want to deal with him so why not put him off on me .... I am trying my best to hold on to all the anger and everything he has put me and the kids thur and just totally turn my back on him. ThaT LAST ABOUT TWO WEEKS .... EVERYTIME like clock work he comes with this song and dance pony show that he want to get clean and he so tired of getting high. A part of me believe him and let him come back home to get cleaned up and eat because he does look so bad ... well he stays clean for about two to three days and then cycle starts all over again. I know I can't help him, he has to want to help himself. All the cursing, crying, screaming, pleading and begging will never do anything. So its Memorial Day weekend I decided I would cook and he promised me he would stay clean enough to cook the meat well I'll say this meat not cooked and both of our family will be here in the morning ... About midnight I'll send out cancellation text because honestly I just can't do another family gathering and going thur all the questions, stares, and pity. Sometime I feel I should have be able to return him where I found him at ... His brothers house... lol! I have to find some humor in the situation to keep from crying. The kids think the world of their dad thats only because their toddlers and they don't know any better .... well here the dog and pony show comes ~~ Pray for me to gain teh strength and guts to walk away!!

muminlaw on May 25, 2012:

All these stories are so sad. I honestly dont know what to say except to protect yourselves. The addict you love will not stop till they want to. I feel like its a puzzle trying to piece together the truth...very confusing. Who knows what will finally be the trigger they need. There will always be lies, doubts and pain. Its is sad that love is not enough for some. Walking away seems the smartest and most painful choice. Good luck and stay strong.

Heather on May 25, 2012:

Hi Everyone,

is there any way to chat with people or get in touch with them? I need help as soon as possible. My husband and father of my four young kids is still using heroin and I'm so devastated. It's a long story but I'm having a hard time giving up on him, no matter how he treats me....Anyway, I do go to Alanon but I never meet anyone in my same situation, believe it or not, and I need someone to talk to, or even email with. Please. Thank you.

brandi lee on May 25, 2012:

I am a recovering addict and i have been in the same relationship for 2 years he is an active addict i moved out and he seemed to be doing great then little by little things changed i swore he was cheating then realized he headed back to jail or even death he calls me begging me for help when he is high hell talk but sober he wont open up im currently studying to be a drug counsoler but this situation is too close for comfort never thought id be in the position i put others in it is the worst hell avoid my calls and lie straight to my face the thing is even when i was using in the beginning of our relationship i was always honest with him i loved him too much to lie to him so i feel like he doesnt love me no matter how much he tells me he does i feel so betrayed as if he was cheating in a way the drug is his mistress i just want the old mike back i tell him please dnt ignore my calls even if ur using i will help him but he has to at leastr answer but he keeps hanging around the wrong people i blame everyone but my boyfriend i no im an enabler at time and as a recovering addict i should know better then at times i feel like it hurts too much to leave him i think ill just settle then i also know i have sobriety and cannot allow anyone to mess up not even myself i guess it comes down to i finally need to be selfish but in a positave way not the selfish i was when i was using im so confused

shortyvspvsp on May 24, 2012:

I see a little of myself in each of these post. But I have one question. My husband had the drug problem why do I feel it was me? I miss and love him and he will never know how much I'm hurting inside because of him. He has moved on and now he is living with a girl that he broke up her marrage and now they are having a baby.

tryingtomoveon on May 23, 2012:

I usually don't post about my life, but maybe this will help me to move on. I've been separated from my husband of 7 years for the last 14 months, yet I haven't filed for divorce...even though I'm done with the marriage, but some how afraid that divorce will be the end of him. I met my husband 11 years ago, we were young just out of college, we partied a little, drank alcohol on the weekends and he smoked weed. Little did I know he was also using cocaine and Xanax during that time too. We moved in with each other and got engaged; things seemed good. We stopped partying and settled down and started planning our wedding and our lives. The day before our wedding I found him with weed and a couple of xanax (the 1st time I knew about Xanax). I was mad, hurt, and thought about calling off wedding, he reassured me the Xanax was for his wedding nerves & the weed was from his bachelor party...of course I bought it, I wanted to believe it, I was getting married to the man I loved. My parents and family had been suspicious of him for awhile and my dad even know me my marriage wouldn't last 6 months, of course that made me want to prove them wrong and stay together. Shortly after we married (like weeks) we decided to move 2 hours away from my family and start over on our own. Within 2 months he lost his job and was on unemployment. I was working 2 jobs to just make it. My month 4 he had emptied out my bank account and over drafted a $1000 all for drugs. He said he would make it right and sell an expensive gun he had to cover my account and take me on a short vacation. When we got back things were good, he got a job, started helping around the house, and no signs of drugs. This went on for about a year; then the little signs started showing again...missing work, not helping with bills, missing money, and him always at a bar or a buddy's. I couldn't stand the sight of him and tried to avoid him at all costs...working late & living pretty much like roommates. Of course a married couple can only live this way for so long before it explodes, so when I confronted him he went into a rage and punched holes in our walls, smashed a kitchen chair over a table, and started breaking dishes. He started to hit me with a pool stick and then he realized I was already bleeding from a broken dish that had hit me. Blood was every where, he just froze up and set down and cried. He couldn't even help me stop the bleeding. I told him then I wanted a divorce, he begged me not to leave & that he would get help. Things got a little better, but not really. He took a job out of State and I stayed in Ohio for awhile...seemed liked the distance made our love stronger and we wanted to try again. I moved with him, withing a week he was arrested for a DUI, but some how got off on the charges. He kept on working, I was a stay at home wife looking for a job. Things soon went back to how they were in Ohio, living like roommates. Him partying with friend or being so wasted he slept through the whole evenings and weekends. Soon he started missing work, always angry, and always broke. He would leave me for days alone and travel back to Ohio to party with friends. Then one day he announces to me we were moving again to Indiana and I had no job or no family so I had to go too. We moved to Indiana for about a month, it was horrible! I felt homeless since we had to live in a hotel until we found an apartment, thank God (and I prayed daily for his help)he lost his job and we had to move back to Ohio with his parents. Once we got back to Ohio I found out I was pregnant & soon after I missed carried...some how this horrible loss led me back to my family. They took us both in and seemed to want to help us both get back on track. We lived awhile with my grandmother, we both got good jobs, and was able to get our own place. He stilled used weed, but nothing else and even though I didn't like it I could live with it. I got pregnant again and we were so happy, life seemed perfect! The week before my daughter was born my brother found my husband passed out in our drive way in his truck with Xanax in the ash tray. I confronted him and he told me he would quit. I knew he wouldn't but our baby was coming in a week, how was I going to leave now. Our daughter was born a week later, he was at the delivery and stayed the night with us at the hospital the next morning he left and didn't come back for 24 hours when they dismissed me. The next day was Christmas, he left again his wife and 3 day old baby girl and didn't come back for a couple of days. I was overwhelmed with a new baby, healing from a c/section, bills, holidays, and of course my drug addict husband. I developed post partum depression even though I would never admit to it, my only concern was caring for the baby everything else I didn't care. I would cry for hours and when he was around I could barely function...just looking at him high would make me so angry & I would start a fight or I would just cry. He would disappear & I would take the baby out at to go look for him & bring him home. He would destroy our home & I would clean it up. He would threaten me and push me around (never really hit me even though he came close a couple of times). He uses was coming obvious to everyone around and I was about to leave again, when his parents intervened and helped him to get clean again. Things got better again, seemed like the good times were back. I got pregnant with our son, he was working, I was working, our daughter was perfect, got a bigger home, and we were all happy. Then it seemed like the same nightmare starting over again, right before my son's birth I found a pill in our garage, not a Xanax though, this time Oxy. My husband had stopped Xanax and started Oxy he was never clean he could just hide it better, the Oxy even made him stop weed. I confronted him and kicked him out, he got clean and like a fool I let him back. 6 months later on Christmas night he tells me that he's back on Oxy and needs to go to detox, oh by the way our bank account is empty (he went through $7000 in 10 days). I set up detox and told him that this was it I was done, while he was in detox drug dealers started showing up at my home looking for him. Of course when he got out he was a NEW man and wanted to be with our family, and I took him back. After 2 months of being clean he was back at it. I found him at a drug house getting high with a woman and man, the woman who I didn't know, tries to be friendly with me and tells me I have beautiful kids...really she knows my kids. I lost it and assaulted several people including my husband...I left that night and never went back to our home until he was evicted a month later and I retrieved my furniture and items. My children and I have been living with my parents for the past year. All my stuff in storage. I couldn't get my own place because of drug dealers looking for my husband & my parents were afraid they might break in my house or worse. I am currently looking for an apartment. My husband has been in and out of treatment, on suboxone and back on the pain pills. My children visit him weekly at his parents home (supervised by them) when he's not strung out, otherwise he will go weeks without calling or seeing them. My daughter loves her dad and my son hasn't bonded much with him, since we left we he was only 9 months old. As of yesterday my husband has been clean for 7 days again, but he told me that he hasn't been paid in 8 days and gets a check my guess is he's no longer clean. That's my story, sorry so long but I need to see it all written out without any lies or excuses. I need to let this part of my life go, I need to cut ties with him, I feel at this point my children would be better off with no father than the one they have.

kim on May 22, 2012:

my babydaddy is on crack he comes home everynight but he lies about him still indulging he also tries to stop for days but when he go back he does it worser and worser i love him but i have 4 kids and i want out now

muminlaw on May 20, 2012:

my son in law is a heroin addict. he came into my daughters life in 2009 they married the end of that year. by 2010 they were battling his addiction with methadone, which he lied to clinic to up his dosage, then suboxone, apparently shooting or trading his meds for dope, and of course therapy. all the while he stated how much he wanted help and he did it before, but in the end he blew every opportunity for help. he would use sometimes multiple times daily or every couple days. by 2011 he was in jail 5 separate times totalling over 6 1/2 months. he has been on parole and has now extended that by violating. he overdosed twice once @ a friends house, once @ my own house while on work release, that time my daughter saved his life sobered him up and returned him to jail. she wasnt going to let him come home after jail but had a change of heart, probably my fault for pitying him. since nov 2011 he has been back and forth with her, each time vowing to stay off the dope. had her make a list that he would no matter what follow after christmas. but of course he failed with using and lying constantly. he was unable to go more than 2 weeks without using and thought that was a major accomplishment. in february his parole officer came, he was smoking synthetic weed and let them in the house. my daughter foolishly had some weed (she normally didnt have) they smelled something and detained them both. he was wasted on the synthetic and said i dont smoke marijuana and looked directly at her then them. basically thru her under the bus so he would remain free. the next day he got $500 from income tax refund and went to use. (he shot up in front of his 16 yr old nephew) and returned the next day. the following morning he demanded more money, threatened our family, she grabbed his shirt and bumped him into the wall, he then shoved her across the room bruising her all over and smashing her feet causing damage that still exhists. she did not turn him in. he left and moved an hour away with the friend he was with when he od'd. they said he would get clean cuz he didnt know anyone there. he called me on mothers day after 3 months gone. said hes clean (but he does fake drug tests by flushing.) but denies using for months before she kicked him out. i know this is not true. he called again to see her kids (they are not his) and is now acting like she is being a bitch for not letting him see them. she says he is using and trying to fool me as he has before. she wants nothing to do with him except a divorce. i guess im wondering if he is in recovery why would he deny what we know he has done, say his sister lied about using in front of nephew. why would he contact me? shouldnt he be feeling some remorse for what he has done?

Kelly Anne (author) from Northeast Alabama on May 19, 2012:

Thank you everyone for all the comments and for leaving your email addresses and communicating with one another. There is no sense in trying to get through this alone when there are so many people who are going through it too.

I don't check this blog but once a month or so, it's a little sad for me maybe. But, I do respond to anyone to sends me an email. I have made some great friends over the years from this blog. Pain can really bring people together.

I have had a lot on my mind this week and since this is the place to come to share... here I am!

First a little update on The Ex-Husband's life. I haven't talked to Charlie in months and for some reason decided to call him last Friday night. Found out his mother is dying of cancer. She was in really bad shape. She passed away on Sunday, Mother's Day. I am so sorry for his family. I worry he will turn to drugs to ease the pain. He has a great fiance and a little boy who is about a year old. I pray those two people can pull him through this hard time.

A little update on me....

Well, the thing about me is I am a nurturer. I tend to be drawn to men who need my help. That is my downfall. My mom and I joke I take in boys like it's a halfway house, fix them and send them out into the world to be productive husbands and fathers. Since October I have been dating a very nice man, a drug free man. He's so good to me, has a job, takes care of what he needs to take care of. I am lucky to have him. But... As I said I am a nurturer and he doesn't need fixing. My ex boyfriend who dumped me a year ago to be with his ex wife needs fixing. I was only with him like 6 months or so. Well, was his ex wife but they remarried last fall. He is 43 an alcoholic, drinks 12-18 beers a day, unemployed, lives with his parents and doesn't have a car or $1 to his name. His wife kicks him out and of course he calls me and I start talking to him and seeing him. Not sexually but just meeting up with him and visiting. I got drawn back in even though I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me. I knew I shouldn't be talking to other guy. I knew it was inappropriate. I'm not a cheater and have never cheated on anyone. But, for some reason... I was stupid. The sweet boyfriend found out about it and I had to make a choice. I had to choose to be a grownup and be in the relationship that was good for me or to go back to my old ways of dating the exciting, very handsome, mess of a man. I made the decision for the first time in my life to take the right road before turning down it and having to make a U-turn after he had driven me nearly insane. I said goodbye to the ex and told him I couldn't fix him, I couldn't help him. I am very proud I have been able to break a pattern in my life. This decision, as easy as it sounds to make, was not easy for me.

We all have our struggles and things about ourselves we need to work on. It's not just you... we're all a work in progress. I don't know if you're a Christian or believe in God but he gave us this free will thing and it's very difficult sometimes.

I learned this week that what we want isn't always what is good for us at this time in our life.

Always find a lesson in your struggles. Even the little ones.

Oh... if you wanna add me on facebook just search for or Kelly Anne McNutt

legalbeagle on May 17, 2012:

As an addict myself, I will say that, without a doubt, you hit the nail on the head when you said that an addict has to WANT help before anything changes. That said, I encourage you to take comfort in the fact that you went above and beyond your wifely duties for this guy. You gave him more chances and more love than most spouses of addicts. So please - do not think of yourself as a failure. You did not fail at marriage; your loyalty, concern and love for this man was/is absolutely touching. You are a remarkable person to give so much to another. I am so happy that you have now focused that love on yourself. You did the right thing. There is nothing more you could have done. I put myself in treatment two times for prescription medication addictions. My husband is ashamed that I have had addiction issues and in spite of the fact that I recognized both the initial addiction and the relapse quite early (just a couple months into active addiction both times) and sought help, he is so embarrassed that he refuses to educate himself about addiction and assures me that he will leave "if I end up at rehab again." I would give anything if my husband had the kind of faith in me that you had in your husband. It is truly his loss that he did not embrace the love, faith and support you can him by seeking help and turning his life around. Bless you for being you!

dd2012 on May 15, 2012:


Whats your opinion on my situation being a addict before, how could my ex husband love us and steal and lie to me so badly. Is the drugs that powerful, or is he using it as a cruch or something to make excuses? He wants me to support him, but i feel like im wasting my life on him bc he always choses to betray me to get the drugs. hes now in prison and its the first i had heard from him for months, after kicking him out of my home for stealing. dont understand how he can forget about his family and run the streets, without a worry or care to pick up the fone and ask about his kids. just feel like now that hes in need hes using me..he says he didnt call bc all he cared about was the that hes sober he says he feels so bad for how hes acted, and dont even feel like hes himself when on drugs? Ive never done drugs or been addicted to anything. is it true that it makes you forget about your kids and betray everyone that ever loved you? just hurts bc hes the one i wanted to b with but he wont stop..

lafamillia from Soutcentral Europe on May 15, 2012:


DO NOT LOSE HOPE, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME, AS AN EX ADDICT IF YOU WANT TO DISCUSS ABOUT ANYTHING. I have 3 projects that are related to helping those who are addicted to drugs. Mainly opiates...

Charlie on May 15, 2012:

I feel so alone, found out on Sunday that my boyfriend of 3 years was still using, his family knew but didn't want to tell me as they thought they would interfere! I knew he had a past, but that was it...... A past! I caught him doing heroin on Saturday, he has collapsed veins so he gets it into his body any way he knows how, I feel sick, numb, sad, confused and hurt! He is on a daily script for meth, but said that he does not think it is enough as the doctor is trying to cut him down. He is abusing his body, I'm so scared but I love him so much! Please help

Lee on May 14, 2012:

@dd2012 I can relate to everything you are going through, my boyfriend went to prison and was given 10 months in an alcohol and drug treatment program, and I made the mistake of getting back with him when he got out, with the promise of him never useing again and turning to his faith. We moved in together when he got out and it took him 3 months to turn into a full fledged addict again stealing everything of value I owned and getting himself into debt with drug dealers that I stupidly paid off to the tune of over $2000. The feelings of helplessness and anxioty are jarring, and totally unfair. If I could have done it all again, I should've not moved in with him, giving him a year living apart from me to see if he truly wanted to change, and seen what he did from a safe distance. I know you love him, but you have to be smart about it. The addiction he's allowing control him has almost total control over him, so you have to realize that the man you fell in love with is mostly nor there anymore. If he truly loves you as much as you love him, he will fight his ass off to beat this addiction, and show you that he can get control of his life through going into a halfway house getting a job, and proving to you over time that he can be trustworthy again. If he gets out and robs someone else for drugs, then you saved yourself a traumatic chapter from happening. Please take my advise, I wished I had listened to them myself.

dd2012 on May 14, 2012:

I can relate to so many of these stories. I have been in a relationship on and off with my ex-husband for the last 10 years. Ive had to kick him out of my house three different times. Hes stolen things out of my house. I could never trust him with my bank card or any of the finances. I have been so hurt and betrayed by his drug problem. He would rob me blind and take me for all I have if i let him. But he claims he loves me i dont understand how he can do things like that if he does love me. Are drugs that powerful? I just recently had our 2nd child i had to go thru the pregnancy myself, bc i had to kick him out for stealing things out of my house. He never kept in contact or cared how our baby was doing. Now hes in prison for stealing out of his dad house. He has called and wrote me saying hes in a drug program and gonna get his life on track this time. i do love him but i dont know if its worth wasting my life on anymore. He says hes so ashamed of the things hes done and his life is gonna be about me and his kids from here on out. this sounds so old to me bc hes been to prison and work camps and comes out doing the same. I do still have so many emotions for him, but at the same time want to protect myself from being hurt and wasting my life on him. i just wish he would change and not call back into the drug world everytime he has a chance.

Sarah on May 13, 2012:

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Many things you have said have stuck with me and have really influenced me,espessially the part about how easily children are influenced by drug use. I am 22 years old, and my boyfriend and father of my child is addicted to norcos, xanax, and oxycodone amongst many other pills. We dated in highschool, then reconnected about a year ago. When we started dating again, I couldnt be happier. I gave up everything for him, ill admit we rushed. but I have never felt so comfortable and so loved by anyone in my life. He is an addict but he is extrememly hardworking, funny, and caring person when he is sober. The first 3 months were heaven for us. Then I got pregnant. He was ecstatic, I was afraid. But i felt like it was meant to be and I wanted to keep my child and start a family. He immediatly proposed. About 2 months into my pregnancy I noticed a dramatic change in him. I would come home from school and find him doing lines of cocaine, he was honest about it and promised he would stop. He did but then it progressed to him getting black out drunk to the point where he would pee all over himself, going into a drunken rage and scream at me. I felt so helpless and hurt and I left about 3 times to live elsewhere when i was pregnant. I will always be resentful for the stress he put on me and our baby during my pregnancy and ill never forget what he has done to me. no one should ever be put through that during a pregnancy. He always begged for me back and promised to change and i always held out hope. at the end of the pregnancy i came to the conclusion i wasnt going to stress over him anymore and i just became oblivious to everything he was doing. I would find smoked foils, he would snort lines of oxycodone as soon as he woke up but whenever i confronted him he would lie. I finally couldnt stand it any more so i left once more 3 weeks before my due date. and once again he convinced me to come back which i regret. I guess i wanted to give him a chance in the hopes that the birth of our child would change his life for the better. It never changed. He promised he wasnt doing the oxy codone but I knew he was. One day I finally caught him. I had made a beautiful dinner for us, and rented a movie. When he got home from work he took 3 bites of his dinner and ran outside to smoke a cigarette. I went outside to check the mail and noticed him and his brother in the car outside ... I went back inside to bring in the mail and went outside again to get his attention. thats when i saw him smoking off a foil. plain in sight and when he noticed he got out of the car and continued to deny it to me. until he couldnt deny it any more. finally he just said 'fine you caught me'... it was a sad day. but i was relieved that he couldnt lie to me anymore. all i wanted from his was honesty and he couldnt even do that. I left the next day. I will never completely give up on him as a person because he is the father of my child. but I cannot allow my child to be raised like that. and I truly believe in fate... Justin was brought into my life to give me my beautiful son who has brought so much love and light into my life. I pray for him everynight and its hard to be alone... but atleast I know I am doing right for my son and myself. No one is strong enough to deal with the hell I have dealt with for the past 10 months.

Shannon on May 12, 2012:

Hi all,I am one of those addicts that ruined peoples lives.I have been clean for 8 yrs now but not w/out the help methadone for the 1st 3.I stole 15 thousand from my grandmother walked away from my children lost my house husband kids cars moved to miami and became an escort.If you looked at me be4 drugs and after drugs I look like the girl next door.Trust me your loved ones love you more than drugs but drugs are powerful.I try to xplain to people just how powerful they really are.Mothers dont walk away from children unless drugs are involved.I look at that person I was and it seems like an out of body experience,bcuz I would never leave my kids now.Please dont give up on the addicts in your life.There is a reason why they are destroying themselves that they might not even know.I did 3 yrs in jail,from most popular to selling my ass and going to jail not to mention going from owning my own house at 19 to living under a tarp in the woods.Any ways lioke i said its 17 yrs from the start of my addiction and I have everything now a great job husband children,I live in house I dont own one yet but at least its a house and not a tarp.Thanks Shannon

liz on May 12, 2012:

i read your story but not all the others coments and there stories i found ur story by chance as iam am pissed off to night with my daughter she is an addited she is 28on methadone has a son 2 years son but i have had enough i lived with her father for 23 years he was a drinker but to him he did not have a problem and now with my daughter 13 yeasr on herion pills and merthdone i fear for her child they livr with me i have given her an ultamation to get herself seorted r get out some 2ords of trust kindness and hope iam lost at mo cant do any more lizx its killing me addiction

James on May 11, 2012:

I wrote the above message, I just want everyone to know you have to hit bottom to bounce back. It really seems like the only way because I have been given countless chances to turn things around. I get it now, I lost a great woman and a beautiful kid. I love them both still deeply and probably will live my life alone by choice. She always came back and this time if she ever does I want to show her that I changed for myself. I want to be a good dad to my little boy and if she can ever trust me again her husband again. I know I have only been sober for four months but I see the extent of my damage now that I am being held responsible for my actions. I cant even have a conversation with her she doesent want to waste more time then she has to communicating with me. I have never felt so alone before in my life. Everything I am doing right now to better myself looks so distant and bleak. I just hope when I change my life that she will take me back then, I would give my right arm for one last chance. I would sell my soul to Satan himself if it meant I could be with my wife and son one more time and do things right. I am trying not to be needy and clingy bother her but I get so frustrated being away from them. I am so impatient and would do anything to be back with them I regret it took this for me to finally change. Kelly and Benjamin I will always love you...

James on May 11, 2012:

I had these problems to some extent with my life, it started out that she wanted me to stop smoking pot and I would half heately say ok. I would keep batteling with her through my substance abuse problems. It eventually turned into cocaine we moved out again with each other. She finally had enough of it after 5 years and trold me she couldnt grow with me. My whole world turned upside down I had no clue what to do. She filed for divorce and I dont blame her, since she did that I have got a lot of help and am determined to stay sober. I have been in school and I am working very hard to getting my degree. I try to speak to her but she is so bitter inside and its been a rough 4 months. I am wondering if she will ever see the change in me? either way Im going to move back and be a man to my son and make sure he never has the problems I do now. I have no clue if she will ever see herself trusting me again I know she says no now but shes came back before. I want to know I am sober and I have a stable career so I can treat her myserlf and my son how we should all be treated. You have to want to be sober for yourself or it never works my wife always said I wouldnt change for her or my son.... I didnt see it as a problem untill I saw myself alone and reflceted... She tells me she ants nothing to do with any man and just wants to focus on herself and our son... I am wondering what I have to do to get her back.

newwife on May 09, 2012:

i feel your pain and i am heartbroken myself! i just found out my husband of 1 month is doing drugs i packed his stuff and send him to rehab for 6 months ! i do not ever want to see him again i am really angry with him!!! i dont know what to do!!! i just dont get it why they are so desiving!

boilercard on May 05, 2012:

Anyone want to write to vent or talk contact me at

Jrizz on May 05, 2012:

As an addict I know the pain I cause people and this in turn feeds my addiction. I use because I feel bad and I feel bad because I use. It's not a matter of choices, it's a mental illness. Insanity. Every day I tell myself I'm gonna quit and want so bad to be free, but remorse, physical pain, fear and just reality itself and me back to what seems to fix everything for 15 minute spurts.

I have to say, the happiest time of my life was when I was sent to jail. The fact that I had no choice but to live in reality and get clean and sober, I felt like I was a new man. Even though I hated everyone going in, coming out I thanked them for giving me a second chance at my life.

Boilercard on May 04, 2012:

This site has been a great comfort to me. Most of the post seem to be written by women, but as a man, I could have written most of them. My (ex)finace has put me through hell for three years. Like everyone else, she lies and lies, steals, decieves, and then lies some more. I figured that I've been out $100,000 on her in three years. I paid (out of pocket) $22,000 cash for her to go to rehab. After she came home, I found vodka bottles in the closet. (Told me that she packed and unpacked them from her previous apartment) Then money started missing, stolen checks, credit cards opened up in my name, my perscriptions missing, and even tools missing from the garage. I would come home from work, (she couldn't work, because of pending charges) and she would be asleep or tired all the time. I started getting calls from "Check Advance" Businesses, wanting their money. The whole time, the lies kept coming. I would give her money to pay HER Bills, and, of course, she spent it on pills. Pills were her demon, but vodka would be a replacement, if she couldn't find pills. Recently, she graduated to shooting Meth. She has gone from terrible to worse. I just found out a few weeks ago that she sold her $4000 engagement ring for a few hundred dollars. I finally threw her out when she set me up with false charges, and she is staying with "old friends". As I write this, I feel like such a fool. But, like everyone else, she swears she's sorry, she says it will never happen again, swears to make things right. I'm in therapy myself, and feel better, but I know she'll be calling anytime, begging for forgiveness. I pray to God that I'll be strong and send her away. Please Pray for us!

Lee on May 03, 2012:

Hi, reading these stories have really helped me through this difficult time in my life. I have been in a relationship with a cocaine/crack addict for 5 years. At first I did not know that he had this problem. That is he withheld that fact. I had just gotten out of a 2 year relationship with someone with borderline personality, so I was vulnerable. John seemed to be gift from god. He was charming, handsome, funny, sensitive. Everything my ex wasn't. In the beguiling it was like a fairytale, but then, right after we moved into an apartment together, he used the money I had saved up to buy furniture to by crack. After I yelled screamed and convinced him to get help it stopped and we continued living together. As with most story's I've seen on here, that was just a warning of things to come. I should've left then before I got too involved with him, but I loved him' so I convinced myself that that was a good reason to stay. Well, after a few months of things going well, I found out that he was using again and sold everything of value in our apartment of value to buy drugs. Also when he ran out of resources in our home, he began stealing from friends homes! I was able to pay them back, and sent him into rehab again. When he got out, the real horror started. He began drinking alcohol and using drugs, came to my work place (I was a manager) with his drug dealer and said that if I did not give him his money (the money he gave me to pay rent) he would make a scene at my job and do something crazy. After that I started packing up my stuff to leave and live with my parents. On my way out, he pushed me to the ground and punched me in my head! I called the police, but because he was a firefighter at the time and was friends with the local police, when they police arrived, he lied to them and said I was mentally I'll and off my meds' and I did it to my self. They believed him, and devastated, I left the situation being happy to get the hell away from him. I didn't talk to him for months after that, I went to therapy for dependency issues, but he came back into my life again homeless desperate and living in a tent on a neighbors backyard near my house! He pleaded with me to help him to sober up, so I made arrangements to get him into a halfway house. He did good there for a few months, and I thought that there might be a possibility that things might be able to get better for us as a future couple again, but then he started secretly using and stealing from other people in the halfway house, and got kicked out again. After a long process of him going from halfway house to friends house, and back to halfway house again, I finally moved away to a differant city, thinking I could leave him behind, but he followed me, got sober, got his own apartment and got a job! I started slowly seeing him again, but he relapsed again stole 600 dollars out of my wallet, lost his job, and finally started burgularizing his neighbors homes! He got arrested, and was in a drug program, got out with 15 years probation hanging over his head. During the time he was in prison, my life became woo much better. The anxiety in my chest from worrying stopped, I started a successful business, turned to my faith, and was truly at Pease for the first time in a long time. When he got out, I convinced myself that there was no way he would use again due to the fear of going back to jail for 15 years! What I didn't know w though, that where there is an addict, there is a way. After we moved in together, things were good for about 4 months. Then he relapsed, sold my iPod' my tv my the car I gave him and everything he could get his hands on of value in our apartment. I was in shook that he would do this again. The horror started again. I had to buy back my own stuff from his drug dealer in a bad part of town, it was a nightmare all over again! I finally took hum to get mentor and substance help again only to have him lie to me about needing money for paperwork, and cutting out to drink and drug once I left for work. I finally left and realized that I was enabling him to keep destroying himself and me. Right now he is high and drunk, supposedly owes his drug dealer $500 that he cannot pay, and has to see his probation officer today. Something will happen today. I don't know what. If he doesn't see his probation officer, he will come to his house and arrest him, if he goes to see him he will also probably arrest him for testing dirty. Or his drug dealer will do god knows what when he finds out he does not have the money. The situation is dire, but I have chosen to let him hit his rock bottom, instead of hurting me or himself or anyone else anymore. I have tried countless times to help him, but he doesn't get it. The toxic environment has to be eliminated. Do I feel guilty for not trying to help him again? Yes. Am I codependant, and are my instincts betraying me? Absolutely. I realize that it is possible to have happiness and peace without him. I have had so many happy times with him, liked said, when he is sober he is the greatest guy I've ever met. At the same time, my time in therapy has taught me that, people like him, who has had a 20 year addiction, and countless run ins with the law, over time become masters of the con. Love con, money con, charm con, I will change con, etc. What you see and hear with a long tearm addict is almost always not what what you get. Many of them become master manipulators, and there conscience becomes woo worn down, that it,s almost non existent. His own actions and decisions over the years have turned him into a monster. If he truly wants to get lasting help for him self, I will applaud him! But my advise for anyone who is in this type of situation is to understand that toxic relationships can only exist with two willing participants. Once you realize that your feeling the need to save someone and getting s payoff from it is unhealthy and will history you you need to put on the breaks and stop at once. I suggest therapy alanon and a serious inventory of your motives and addressing how healthy they are for you. I replaced the constant trips to see if he was alright, with positive things like reading my bible. I replaced giving him money with giving some instead to the salvation army. I replaced telling hum that I should do anything to help him with telling him, that if he wants help, he will do anything and everything possible to get it, and I leave it at that. There are ways to get out, and ways to keep yourself out of these kind of relationships. Just like drug addiction, addiction to a drug addict is difficult to get out of. But it takes the same determination I wish john will someday show

tara on April 30, 2012:

Ive been there. Thankfully my other half is actually in rehab right now. Ive been sober thanks to methadone for 3 yrs and so has he. He recently started taking xanax for anxiety and it turned into a life or death habit within 9 mos. The sad thing is that pile of ashes on your ex's chest is all too familiar. My fiance would lite cigs and they'd burn EVERYTHING. I was his built in babysitter as well. Not anymore! He loves the facility and has a positive outlook! Cross your fingers and say a prayer PLEASE!! Ill do the same for you all.

leah on April 29, 2012:

p.s. my email is if anyone has advice, or would like to share their own experience, strength & hope.

leah on April 29, 2012:

i can so empathize with all the stories of these women. their lives are my own. but my story is a little different. i am a recovering addict myself. i was addicted to heroin, methadone (through a clinic), and crack from 1999 until just a few months ago. i will always have this addiction but whether i choose to live in the misery of active addiction or the awesome beauty of sobriety is truly a choice only i can make. today i choose to be clean. i feel that alcoholics anonymous (AA) & narcotics anonymous (NA) have saved my life. i was the worst of the worst. i was homeless, a worthless mother who had let the responsibility of raising my beautiful 7 year old daughter fall to my aging parents, and i had even stooped so low as to start prostituting myself for drugs and drug money. i was in and out of jails, rehabs, 12 step programs, & institutions for 14 years. i hated myself & was disgusted by the person i had become. when i finally became so broken and hopeless that i could no longer go on living like that, i decided to take one last stand, & once and for all give a recovery program a real, HONEST try. something i had never truly done before. i am a walking miracle today. and i know that if could do it, anyone can. knowing the truth, ironically, has not made the situation i'm dealing with concerning my fiance of 7 years any easier. he is a prescription pill addict. all doctor prescribed, all legal, which compounds his denial exponentially. he's been to rehab. in fact that's where we met 7 years ago. we had short periods of clean time here & there over the years, but nothing lasting. even though i know that nothing on this earth could change me until i was truly ready, not even my own flesh & blood daughter, i still struggle with co-dependence & the false hope that i can somehow change him by showing him the way. all i have succeeded in accomplishing is making myself crazy, not to mention miserable. i turn into this other person who i hate whenever i try to change or control his behavior - i turn suspicious, sneaky, nagging, and judgmental towards him. all behaviors that happened with my own loved ones & behaviors that only made me worse when i was still using. i KNOW i have no control over him, not really. i KNOW i am powerless over everything except my own behavior and decisions. i know all of this. it's the foundation of any 12 step program and the secret to my own recovery. when i try to take back that control & power, or try running things my own way, the way that never worked & made me miserable for so many years, sure enough, i land myself right back into that same misery. when i try to control the uncontrollable, my life becomes unmanageable. i cannot control my fiance's behavior, choices, or future. why then, do i keep trying to? i cannot bring myself to throw him out of my house for fear of being alone. it's the scariest thing in the world. almost as scary as the fear of not knowing if he'll be okay, if he'll SURVIVE, once i'm not there to monitor his every waking moment. i have had so many friends die at the hands of this disease over the years - it's a real, honest-to-god possibility that i could lose him to it, too. how do i turn my back on him knowing what i know, seeing what i've seen? what if i throw him out and he dies? how could i live with myself? or what if i throw him out, he DOES get better, & then finds someone else & the SHE, not me, will be the one to know him as the wonderful person he once was and can still be? someone else will enjoy the man i fell in love with. then man who, for right now, is lost to me. i never in my wildest dreams thought i'd ever get sober & have a good life, and then not be able to truly enjoy it because the person i love chose to remain in active addiction & not seek help. consequences, negative consequences, were what ultimately made me decide to change & do something different. he, on the other hand, has had ZERO consequences for his addiction (with the exception of his failing health) because his family & i keep bailing him out. i know it's enabling & i know it's not helping him. i found the courage to change my own life, but how do i summon up the courage to do what's right for him? it's so much scarier. and unlike before, the right thing to do isn't obvious & is not coming naturally to me. is there ANY alternative to throwing him out? is there ANYTHING besides that that i can do to help him? any suggestions would be welcomed & greatly appreciated.

jeffery cohen on April 29, 2012:

After several years of lottery playing , David and i (never have the thought that we could win one day) We have been trying to have a won for once. We have gone, and done every possible cancelling without any success. We have also been told that we will never be able to win any of this lottery game which make us look confuse but still David and i was always a lottery player…. One a date when I was scrolling through the internet Blog i found this spiritual Messiah that he can help of any problems,i explained all our troubled problems to him,he told us all to do which we did. After a month, David and I, received the great news that we have won 17.000$ seventeen thousand US dollars. I have no words to thank him enough because he really change our lives.

Violet on April 28, 2012:

I feel for all you women, I really do. But there is help out there, for YOU. These men are addicts and no amount of love from you will make any difference. I urge you to seek help (eg. AL-ANON) and learn to love yourselves first and foremost. If you truly love yourself you would not put up with these horrifying situations. Walking away is excruciating at first, but the long term gain is 100% worth it. These men are not your responsibility. YOU are.

pam on April 26, 2012:

My name is Pam. I have gone through many of the terrible things you have by being married to what I feel is a bipolar and a sex addict. He left me and the kids, came back a month later in the midst of our divorce, and announced that he had hit rock bottom and needed us back. I did not trust him because he had cheated 12 time in 18yrs. Stupid me though, because I did believe he was getting help. He even showedbme a book for sexaholics anonymous. He even said he was in counseling. We continued the divorce because I wanted to see that he could be faithful after all these years. Also he was mean and controlling he always used blackmail to get me to do what he wanted. I was forced to have sex at swinger clubs or he would take things away from our children such as choir, or band, or the car. He managed to change thibgs in the divorce papers, then left me for the other woman again all within 6 weeks. He even put our house as his under personal property of the divorce decree without my noticing since that is not where a house would be listed. After that he tried to legally evict me and the kids to move in his girlfriend and her 4 small kids. Our kids are 15, 16, and 20.

best on April 25, 2012:

i just want to share my happiness with you all over here i just receive a heart break from my boyfriend 3 weeks ago and i was confuse and i did not know what to do and i almost think of taking my life. But one day i was just doing some research on the Internet when i saw a testimony on how to get your ex back. I really believe that spell do work because my mummy was heal by a spell caster when i was still 15 years old i decided to contact DOCTOR GBOCO for help and he told me what i have to do and after two days i show my ex in my house begging me and ask me to come back to him it was just like a dream to me. thanks to DOCTOR GBOCO you can contact him this Email: if you need any help or advice in your relationship.

sarah on April 25, 2012:

yes thank to Internet for helping me to get in contact with DR AGBON how help with love spell that help me recover my ex love back to me and i also appreciate you all for you advice and the trust i will also advice anyone who help to contact him on this email:

pamela on April 25, 2012:

My hushand is also an addict is drug of choice isbrocecets he shoots them but he goes through weird spells where he can be clean for a week at a time.then he will use for two weeks i dont understand it he needs help. i am stressedbto the point of my hair falling out i now have aniexty depression and im always worried about money and our three year old son i want to leave but i am scared to i have no one here all my family lives miles away. but i would rayher live in my car with my son then live like this

Been there done that on April 23, 2012:

So how are YOU doing these days? Have you heard from him? You are a smart lady you have to take care of yourself you could have easily died yourself from stress or from house fire or whatever - you are a very strong young lady God was watching over you

yayakime on April 23, 2012:

Well I can relate to everyones post above, I have been married to an addict for 7 yrs. We actually used together for the first 2 years. I decided to get clean and he did also. The problem is he has relapsed several times, early on, his relapse would not end until he went to jail. His drug of choice is cocaine/crack. When he uses he loses everything. He has been clean now

for 18 months and just relapsed on Saturday. He was gone for 3 days and returned home tonight. He spent 1300.00. I have been clean for 7 yrs and I am moving forward and I feelhe is holding me back. Im confused on what to do, but I cant handle much more of his once every 6-18 month relapse.. I live on egg shells--never knowing when its going to happen. Then you have to deal with the aftermath of his use. Meaning no money for bills etc......

lafamillia from Soutcentral Europe on April 22, 2012:

Psychical addiction is the most hardest addiction. Cold turkey on heroin, lasts for 4-5 days maximum. With diazepam, little bit of OTC medications for bone-pains, or reverse-pyramid method of tramadol detox for those who can not pass the physical pain - should do the heroin withdrawal... Now, the PSYCHICAL thing is the worse - from, unfortunately, personal experience. I was 3 times intra-hospitalized for detox and 4 times home, official, detoxes. Nothing helped, just before of my psychical addiction. Antagonists, antagonists and antagonist - JUST because I am, was, young - but over 18 for opiate sub. treatment like methadone one. Now, on methadone, life has changed for 360 degrees. Finished studying, got job, normal family (relative normal) relations - in compare with how it was - and lifestyle, where I HAVE CHANGED, some "best friends", girlfriend (4 yrs. of relationship) and everything.

Now I have an angel of girlfriend, and I HAVE STARTED, AFTER YEAR AND 3,5 MONTHS - THE TAPPER DOWN. Arround 3mg every 1 to 2 weeks, while I am still in zone of high doses. More than 60mg. (currently prescribed 90mg, taking 83 - going on 80, than 85...80, 75, 70, 77,74,70,65,60,67,74,70...... 67,65,62,60 ..... 57,55,53,50. Then month of pause..and than again pattern that I should apply, and mentioned above, in range from 60 'till 50.

AL on April 21, 2012:

The sad thing is 99% of addicts go to rehab because of external factors. For instance no money, everything has been pawned, all bridges burned, they owe the dope man money, ex.... The person has to be really determined to quit, while they have the drugs in front of them. That is an almost impossible task.

Christi on April 21, 2012:

We got married 7 months ago. Three months later I fell pregnant and in between lonely nights that my husband does not come home, anger outbursts and verbal abuse, and seeing less and less financial contribution towards the household and saving for baby, I've realized that I need to get out before the baby is even born. Every tme he is sorry when he gets caught. I'm tired of broken trust, having to feed and clothe him while struggling to make ends meet (and having to hear how useless I am in between). Thank you all for sharing. It has made me realize that no-one but God can help them if they don't want to be helped. I will keep you all in my prayers. XXX

seth on April 21, 2012:

Her parents moved to Hawaii two months later. I knew she had a hard time with it so I felt horrible for divorcing her. Then Cps was called the children removed and placed with me. She failed for Meth. She went down hill quickly after that. Long story short she shows up wanting help. I let her in she said I have a problem but doesn't want rehab. What do I do she has no place to go I love her but don't want the kids to be hurt anymore ..she has no friends or family here I'm all she has. I don't want to see her die. Please give me advice.

seth on April 21, 2012:

Hello I have been with my wife almost nine years we have two wonderful boys seven and five. She left me four months ago.her parents got her an apartment. We shared the kids for a while but after noticing traffic and behavior changes I assumed she was on Meth. We are both ex users I have been clean six years she shared sobriety with me. I then started hearing she was using again. I am not one to doubt so I believed her after all six years is a long time to be clean. Then I saw an old user friend at her place. She was taking our kids around other men when they came to see me they would tell me. I filled for divorce feeling I had no other options. I went for full custody. This was the hardest thing I've ever done. I asked her daily if she wanted one before I filed and she said yes. Her brother was killed two years ago

ILAA on April 19, 2012:

I too live with an addict/alcoholic. He has been this way since I met him when we were 19 and he had already had his first DWI. But being as young as we were, I just figured he liked to have a good time and and he said he had learned his lesson about drinking and driving. He has always been a functioning alcoholic/addict. He goes to work every day and works his butt off, he is very handy around the house and there isn’t anything he can’t fix or accomplish when he puts his mind to it which he says proves that he is not an alcoholic because alcoholics don’t support their families and just stay drunk all day. Wow…Textbook Denial. He has also pronounced several times that he likes to drink and that he won’t give it up for anyone.

We are now 35 and have 2 school age sons. He also suffers from depression and ADD. He has been prescribed Adderall and Xanax for many years. His mother died suddenly a year and a half ago and he is the one who found her and gave her CPR to try and save her, but she was already gone. He has suffered a traumatizing loss and my heart goes out to him but he isn’t the same person he was the day before she passed. I know people change when they are traumatized, but I do not know the person he has become. I miss him, I miss the REAL him. Where has he gone, is he ever coming back? He’s isolated himself from us. I miss being a family. I miss being connected with him. I miss his smile. I miss his jokes. I miss his hugs and kisses. I miss seeing him and our boys do “man” things together.

I read these posts and so many of you posted things that mirror my life with him. He barely sleeps, he is always on the go and if he does stop to sit, he falls asleep. Slumps over sitting up with his mouth open snoring like a buzz saw and drooling on himself. Falls asleep with lit cigarettes in his hand and by the looks of our carpet where he sits, has dropped a few until they left a deep burn in the carpet. Fire Safety Cigarettes have saved our house more than once. Several times I've found him lying on the kitchen floor sometimes with the fridge door wide open. Several times I've found him face down in plates of food. He himself has recently waked up several times in his truck while it's running. Has no recollection of how he got there or how long he'd been sleeping in his truck. Sometimes it’s in our driveway, sometimes not. Thank Goodness we don’t have a garage. He’s waked up at stop signs. When he tells me these things it's almost as if he finds humor in it, but maybe it's really denial. His Psychiatrist prescribed him a mood stabilizer a few months back so he had to have his liver screened. He got the results and he was thrilled that his liver is fine and even commented that it means he can keep on chugging but in all reality even if his liver were damaged he wouldn't stop drinking the way he does. I find nothing wrong with having a few drinks, but he just can't have a few, he is an alcoholic so he drinks until he passes out.

I worry for his safety. I worry for our sons and what I worry about is; I worry all the time that we will lose him (He says that he isn’t going to go out like that, that he is put on this planet to suffer into old age). He's already had 3 DWI's which have cost us dearly. If he gets pulled over again I fear he will be put in jail for a long time. If he goes to jail, we will lose our house, I can’t be the sole provider of our household and it’s only a matter of time before he is pulled over again and I plead with him to not to drink and drive, but he just says…”I’m not worried about it, I always make it home safe and sound.” I fear he will hurt someone or possibly kill them when he drives home. For the past several months he has been going out and he usually comes home between 5am and 7am and he does this almost 5 nights a week. If I call him, he rarely answers my calls if he is out for the night and if he does answer and I ask him where he is he skirts the question and gives me some outrageous answer. I've thought of following him, but that is just going too far, I don't want to be sucked down into his pit any longer. Many times I want to throw a fit and scream and holler at him to get him to see what is happening to our family, but it won’t make any difference, it won’t change anything. If anything, it will only give him more “reason” to leave. I want to tell him that I do not deserve the treatment he dishes out, but every time I try to talk with him about things like that he tells me that I am turning my back on him and that I am heartless and selfish and spoiled and all I ever think about is how much of a piece of sh*t he is. It’s almost funny at this point and when he says those things to me I can’t help but laugh out loud. If he does stay home he just falls asleep on the couch. Barely any interaction with our children or me. He may talk to us for a few minutes when he comes home from work, but then he goes to the bedroom and prepares his clothes for the next work day, showers, changes, and leaves usually around 11pm. A few months back when I asked him why he stays out so much he told me it is because I, meaning me, like to be by myself. Then he told me he was out so much because he was paying back debt that he owes people for helping him/us out when we didn’t have enough money to pay our bills. Then a few more days later he told me it's because I am always angry. He's right, I am angry and I was letting it consume me.

I started counseling and got a better grip on my issues. At times I feel I may snap, but I will be starting group anger management counseling to have a constructive outlet for my issues and learn to be true to myself and to be a positive role model for our sons. Which is all I can do. Our oldest, who is a teenager, has told me with tears in his eyes that he wants more time with his dad. I relayed the message to my husband and I got a tongue lashing that was out of this world. I was told that I am dragging the kids into my BS. I didn't know how to react so I just stayed as calm as possible (which isn't easy after living this way for 16 years) and expressed to him that I am not judging him nor do I think ill of him, but I thought he should know what was said to me. He is constantly accusing me of cheating on him, CONSTANTLY! I've been down that road before with him and come to find out; he was the one who was cheating. He comes up with the most outrageous scenerios that he swears are happening, and they moslty revolve around me doing something imoral or lying. He also makes it a regular reminder how there are many other females who are just waiting in line to take my place. I've made mention that he would make things so much easier on me if he were to take one of them up on their offer because that would be all I need to pack up and never look back, that I would finally be free. I do my best to put his hurtful comments aside but they are stewing in me. I feel torn. I want to be there for him and be his support system but I feel that he isn't looking for a support system, he has no interest in being healthy so I only need to do what is best for me and my sons, but what is best for us? It is obvious that our oldest already has Daddy issues. He identifies so much with his father and loves him so much and it breaks my heart to know how he is feeling. I too have a father who is an alcoholic, he's been sober for over 13 years, but the times when I needed him, he wasn't there for me, he couldn't be, he was too wrapped up in his own agenda. He was so close, yet so far away, and my chest gets tight every time I think about our son has the same longing for his father. Our youngest is showing signs of aggression and rebellion at school, which is very out of character for him.

I used the word fear many times in this post, and I try not to think about those things and have so much fear and anxiety but at this point it’s almost as if I have begun to prepare myself for these things to happen so that I am not blind sighted.

I wish all of you the best and hope we can all find peace and serenity with or without our addicts and I pray t

Sick Of It All 22 from Central NY on April 17, 2012:

Well, here goes. I am currently living a lie. I am living with a spouse who has a pain pill problem. We've been together for about 10 years and I think 2004 was when she started using due to an injured tailbone. She never really had it looked at, and she also has PCOS, and has gained so much weight her left knee is basically shot. I have been her enabler, jumping through hoops for her, picking up her pills, stealing money from her mother in law to pay for her pills, sacrificing nearly whole paychecks to cover her pills and pill debts. I can't take anymore. I love her, and shes otherwise a great girl who'd do anything for me..but quit pills. It wasnt till recently that I told her I was tired of it, and she needed to get her shit together, b/c we cant afford her pill problem. I'd love to say I could just up and leave, but i have nowhere to go, not to mention I just lost my job, and $60 of our last paycheck, went towards her habit. I'm so tired of having to make excuses for her, so tired of being limited b/c of her habit.

James on April 15, 2012:

Anywhoo... yeah, so shes been drunk for 3 years... and shows no sign or desire to stop. I have begged, pleaded, threatened, sobbed, EVERYTHING. To no avail. And I have come to the SAME conclusion that Miss Kelly Anne did : You Cannot help them. All you will do is drag yourself and the children down with them in FLAMES if you continue waiting for something to change.

I think a Part of me still loves the woman I married, but sadly, she isnt that person anymore. All she cares about now is Vodka, and MY children and myself arent even a concern, other than the fact that she gets PISSED if we mess with her buzz. Anyways, I just wanted to toss in my two cents... a Male perspective I suppose. I am not saying I am perfect (I DO Smoke Marijuana at night so I can actually go to sleep... as I am always on edge worrying about what craziness she is going to pull next... waking up with your "love" swaying over you holding a chef's knife is rather disconcerting to say the least...) But by the same token, I am the ONLY stability my children have. Also, I am NEVER not myself. I dont get bombed to the point I cant even make a coherent statement... I only smoke enough to relax a bit, and I actually have a prescription. I am the only income, the only childcare, the only ANYTHING in the house. And I am bloody tired... So VERY VERY tired. Choose wisely before you get married, folks... the scars can last a lifetime... And if you are REALLY lucky like me, Your spouse will mess up your childrens brain chemistry so that they REALLY get to have the scars from it for life. We have 3 kids, two of which have been diagnosed with autism... and Mommy was popping Vicodin and Fiorinol the whole pregnancy with both... COINCIDENCE?!?! Time will tell for the youngest... but she only had Booze going through the system with THAT pregnancy. Wasnt born with FAS, and she appears to by hyper-intelligent... So hope springs eternal. Dont get me wrong... I LOVE my children more than anything. I wouldnt trade them for the world or any other kids... but I DO resent my wife for her exceptionally POOR judgement when it came to choices made while pregnant. Gah... I am babbeling. Thanks for listening/Reading... I FEEL FOR YOU, MISS KELLY ANNE!!!

James on April 15, 2012:

So... I suppose I should share too, as this really got to me. My wife and the mother of my 3 children has been drunk for roughly 3 years now (This includes the whole of the pregnancy with our youngest daughter, not born with FAS,. I have tried pleading

Starr d lite on April 13, 2012:

thank you so much I feel so alone thank you I'm in the same position you are you the only thing I have 2 girls for him

AL on April 11, 2012:

I have read all the comments and I must admit, this is a terrible affliction to us all. I will introduce myself and tell you a bit about me. I smoked pot in high school and drank like most people but it stopped when I went to college. 9/11 happened where I was living and I was utterly compelled to do something about it. Hello Marine Corps! I love this country and felt it was my devotion to handle the affairs abroad, against warnings from my loved ones and basically everyone. Little did I know this would change my life forever. I went through the horrors of war. I saw my buddies leave this world. I became cold to everyone and everything. When I came back, I noticed people who knew me treated me differently. The world I loathed to come back to, had become an indirect assault to my personality. I had no friends, no loved ones who knew the real me, and school was a difficult place. I was sitting at a red light one night and I was hit from behind by a drunk firefighter. I was referred to a doctor (who was later convicted of criminal charges of malpractice). He told me to take a pill and I did. The pill was hydrocodone. All of my feelings of depression, coldness, despair.. suddenly became irrelevant as I was locked into a vision of euphoria where everything was alright. I liked it. What I didn't like was how I was taking more or the medicine to achieve the same result and feeling very ill when I ran out. I never experienced this before, but it came to a point to where this pill was a way out and my body was screaming for it. This ultimately lead to my opiate addiction. From that point it became oxycontin, various opiate based pain medicine and then ..heroin. I never thought in a million years I would have been addicted to heroin, let alone try it. My opiate receptors were dry one rainy afternoon, and that day I made the worst decision of my life. Addicts are usually friends only with other addicts. This is because normal square people are of no concern to an addict, except for them to exploit. As an addict, I needed people with connections, and pills to satisfy the monkey on my back. This is a double edged sword, as addicts constantly rip each other off and steal from one another. Well, that afternoon an addict "friend" ( I use that term loosely) told me that sniffing a powder would be better then any pill and cheaper. After much bickering and pronouncing the stigma associated with heroin, I gave it a try. Yes it was more powerful. A lot more. For a long time my addiction was concealed from my family and friends. This is part of the addict lifestyle that is also addicting when one is clean. To be undercover, to avoid the radar, is in itself it's own rush. To an addict, it makes them feel as a villain, to do something no one knows about and get away with it. After I tried H, it securely embraced my downfall. Lie, Cheat, Steal became the code to my daily life, as it does with all addicts. Everything around me crumbled. I lost my 100K a year career. I lost all my possessions. I lost my family. The disturbing thing about being an addict is they simply don't care. The only thing that matters is the next high and where is it coming from. It is a terrible despicable lifestyle. I caused much pain to all those that loved me and when the damage is done, their is no going back. You essentially have to start a new life. If your family knows you used to be an addict, you will never be treated the same. This is the case in my life and a lot of other addicts and a major contributing factor to relapse. My family still looks at me as a junky no matter how many years I have clean or how good I might be living. It is something that can never be reversed once the damage is done. I have been clean 4 years. I had to relocate to another part of the country. I have to make it by counting my change. I hate where I am living, and I have no friends here. The one thing I can say is I don't use. The one girlfriend I did have while here was on drugs. She was, and still is a pill popper. I didn't know at first but it only took a few days, because addicts can spot other addicts. I stayed clean. I loved her. It was just one disaster after the next and being an ex addict it made me very mad. It is quite embarrassing to be with someone who drools, and has slurred speech in public, amongst other things that are obvious the person is on drugs. People who use, say they want help and are sick of the life, but it takes complete dedication and a mindset of " Quit or Die". Almost all addicts prefer to take the easy road and continue to use despite jail's, psych ward's, and death. This person I loved could not be helped and still, like the author of this story, we still communicate though it is very very seldom. If I were to pick up again and have used, I would still be with her but I chose the ladder. She chose to seduce a rich man who can provide the means to get high, an addicts dream. I still struggle, but I am determined to make the most of what's left with my life clean. Even though things are rough and I live check to check, it's a million times better then my addict life. I have hope that one day things can be like they were, before I became an addict. I have a lot against me like I mentioned. No friends, I live in the middle of nowhere, I am always struggling financially, I almost never if ever, talk with my family, I have PTSD that messes with me. The one thing I can say I do have that is worth my life, is sobriety.

Linda on April 10, 2012:

I was searching for something becasue my 25 year old son is an addict. He has been in rehab many times (3 times) over 13 years. He's now in jail for violating probabtion of the courts. He's a smart college educated boy thaat has had the world by the tail with an international business degree. No more he's now a convicted fellon for failing a drug test. I am going to copy this letter and send it to him so he can see what myself and others have been through. You are a very strong woman and may God bless you with a clean wonderman husband and children. I know you love your current husband but you deserve so much better. God Bless you honey.

DEBORAH on April 09, 2012:

Thank you for this, my husband just left me three weeks ago. As far as I know he is living with his parents, they still can not addmit he is an addict, even after 16years. I miss him so much, but I also know how hard it was for me each and every day, he couldn't hold a job for more then a week or so, all the rehabs, and recovery houses. After a while I felt as if we were just legal partner on a piece of paper, no husband and wife. I know he is not ready to get clean, I had to get a PFA, just to keep him out of the house. He didnt hit or abuse me but started to sell anthing not tied dowm, my car, my grandmother wedding ring, TV's,my sons I-pad, christmas gifts. But I was wrong, didnt understand or love him,I do love him, enough to let him go.I still pray his parents will see the light, but more so he finds help and excepts it. Again thanks for making me feel like I did do what was best for us both, I know my husband loves me, but not as he puts it his best friend.

Michael on April 07, 2012:

I'd like to say first of all, I commend every woman strong enough to leave a man they love when he is destroying their lives. It takes courage to willing put yourself through that kind of emotional pain. No one will ever comprehend how difficult it is for a loving and devoted wife to leave her husband - but a drug addict who will not stop leaves no one with any choice at all.

I first quit drugs when I was 17 years old. A girl I was in love with left me and the pain caused me to change. I found Jesus, then my current wife of 20 years now. However, throughout the 20 years, I had two separate runs with Vicoden, but I remained "functional" as far as providing for my family. I got educated and a professional job. I eventually started my own business and was quite successful at it, but what most drug addicts fail to realize even after they get clean, is that they are people who naturally isolate themselves and remain emotionally unavailable to their spouses. What is it they say in NA? ... "Once you've sobered up the horse thief, all you have left is a sober horse thief." ... it's true. CLEAN Addicts need to get themselves into therapy. They need to ask questions from loved ones such as "Can you please tell me what it is I do that may isolate you from me, or can you please tell me what needs you have that I am not meeting?" Then take that information to a therapist, google, a book store ... do everything you have to do to learn about your shortcomings and personality disorders, then figure out what you need to do to get them straight. If you don't you are headed for relapse.

6 years after starting my business (17 years basically without drugs), I became very ill with what they thought was Chrons disease. I spent six months in and out of the hospital and being fed from an IV. They gave me Dilaudid in my IV while in the hospital the first few weeks, and that was enough to get me physically dependent on the stuff. They sent me home with Fentenyl patches and Oxy Contin prescriptions. I knew I didn't need the drugs for pain anymore, but I knew I didn't want to withdraw even less, so I stayed on them because I didn't know how to quit, and I was too proud to admit to anyone that I needed help. I did call a couple of rehabs and when I learned that I would need to be in there for the better part of two months, and after learning how much it cost, I said FORGET IT, ILL QUIT ON MY OWN.

That attitude somehow took a back seat to me realizing that being stuck with a needle almost every day for six months tends to remove your fear of needles. I learned how to filter and purify my oxy contin pills into a crystal clear and hospital grade injectable form, and for a year and a half after recovering from my chrons issues, I started shooting Oxycontin. While I was on oxy contin, my wife of then 18 years told me she would not live with someone who "nodded" off like a heroin addict. Now I've never nodded off into my food or anything like that ... it was just falling asleep randomly for a few minutes here and there ... but the thought of her leaving me scared the hell out of me. So in my addict brain, I found a solution ... METH! I started taking it, and kept me from nodding, but it also began to change my personality and I was not aware of that side effect.

When my health insurance was no longer affordable, the oxy addiction turned into a heroin addiction.

Every time she would threaten to leave me, I would threaten suicide ... I was jacked up in the head ... I lost almost all of my clients, and money was thin ... we lost vehicles and almost lost our house.

One day my wife and I were texting and I realized she was at the court house filing what I thought was a legal separation. I started the suicide talk again and she called the police to come check on me. I opened the door and stepped out onto the porch and talked to them. I was pretty lit on meth at the time. They searched me for weapons and found my meth pipe. I was arrested, and they told my wife why. That was how she learned about my meth habit.

The police told me they could not tell her why I was arrested, but they told her anyways, and when I bailed myself out that night, I texted my wife and told her I had my wake up call and that I was done... but she completely ignored me and would not respond to anything I said. I tried to make a deal with her, if she supported me and visited me, I would go into rehab. She was not interested ... she filed a restraining order against me and had me thrown out of my house. I have always been the sole bread winner and she has always been a stay at home mom. I lived in my car because of that restraining order for two months. I threatened suicide again with a heroin overdose, she called the police again ... they tracked my cell phone and found me (thank god, because I was in the process of going through with it when they did). The officer asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital or jail, I said the hospital. He asked me why he should let me, and I told him I just tried to kill myself. "Good enough for me" he said, and he arrested me and site released me into the custody of the paramedics. I spent three days in county hospital and was let go.

My heroin use lasted one more month, when I decided I was finally done. I signed up for an outpatient treatment program that uses methadone to wean people off of heroin. The speed was easy to stop ... it has basically no withdraws, you just sleep for a few days and you're done. But heroin withdraws are intense and very painful and can last up to two weeks. When I started methadone, I kicked everyone out of my life who used it, then after proving to myself that I could not use for two weeks, I asked the clinic to reduce my methadone dose by 10mg every week. I started out at 60mg. They told me that was way too fast and that my body would be in constant withdraw for several months. So they agreed on 5mg a week, then in the last 10mg, I was to drop 2mg per week. My last dose was 5 days ago. I need to mention, that when an addict takes methadone properly and for its intended purpose, there is absolutely no "high" that goes with it ... no nod ... no nothing. You simply feel normal again and can function doing what you always did or need to do.

I was in denial for a long time that I was even an addict. I felt my dependence on opiates was physical and not psychological. I was deceived. I haven't had heroin since last November, and no methadone since last Monday. I am doing just fine, and I am getting my life back in order. I never wanted to be on drugs, because I built a nice life for us. We have two children, one of them just started college, the other is in 6th grade.

My wife left me back in August, met a man in November and fell in love with him. She promised me twice that she would come back and try to work things out with me, but like clock work, three days after making that promise and going through the pain of a break up with him, she runs right back to him because of the memories she has living with me while I was using. I was never violent with her not even once. I never drooled, never fell asleep in my cereal ... and my 11 year old son asked me what I did to make mommy want to leave ... he never saw any behavior that was bizzare, never saw a needle ... I did a good job hiding my addiction from my children. My wife, however, aired my dirty laundry to our daughter and she has refused to speak to me ever since.

I have been in love with my wife since before I married her. She says she has absolutely no love for me at all, and has no problem divorcing me for this man who is 20 years older than her. I've asked her to think about everything she is giving up (although after reading this post and the responses, I'm beginning to think she might have the right idea). I am easily capable of earning a nice six figure income. I'm only 41, and I'm physically fit, and I look like I could be related to Harrison Ford. I'm not a bad lookin guy, and outside of those ugly three years of being ill, then addicted, I've been living a drug free life, and I have no intention of ever putting another opiate into my body for as

Related Articles