Is someone born with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?
No matter what you might hear from whoever, the answer is a big NO. Borderline is something that is developed as a child when your parents fail to validate your feelings and possibly even neglect you. I didn't even know what was really wrong with me until I started listening to "The Last Symptom" podcast by Brian Barnett. He is, believe it or not, a person who has RECOVERED for Borderline. Like, for real recovered. All the Drs and scientists etc. will tell you over and over that there is no getting rid of it, that there are only ways to cope. Never to get rid of it. But Brian, who is actually a friend now, is so smart. He said on his podcast, and it was the first time I had ever heard it and was able to put into words why I constantly feel the way I feel. He said people with Borderline believe that their thoughts and feelings are inherently shameful and void of worth. I won't actually quote him because I think I got that slightly wrong. But still. That was it for me. I started to listen to him a lot, and he went against what all the Drs say. Make sure you check out his podcast, from the beginning of course, because it will change your life.
So what am I here to talk about???
Basically, I'm here to talk about my daily life with Borderline. I will try my best to relay how my brain works, therefore, maybe, someone else will be able to understand what is going through their own head, or someone who they love. Here it goes:
So, about a week to a week and a half ago I gave myself synthetic deadlock extensions (see profile pic). Since I got them, I have felt better about myself. I have felt sexier, more attractive and more exotic. My whole attitude has taken a bit of a shift, all over these dreads. It's amazing how something, that shouldn't matter because it is something that is a material thing and money can't buy happiness. But the reality is, for me, it has. On top of that however, today I woke up late and because it's a Sunday, the pharmacy where I get my methadone every day was closed. They close at 11:30 am every weekend. I woke up at 11:45 am. As I write this, to say the least, I feel like total shit. I'm sweating way too much, my tummy feels empty yet upset, I feel like I couldn't smile if I saw the funniest thing in the world, I'm restless yet my whole body feels exhausted and tired. It's very frustrating. and I've been very emotional the last hour or so. I started going through my Google Photos to upload pics to this profile actually. And it's absolutely insane how many pictures I have of my son. He just turned 3 on the 4th of July. He is my reason for being alive right now. And my mother, if you can call her that, just made it so I only get to see him twice a week for 3 hours. When I used to be with him every day since birth. I put him to bed every night. We were together all the time. But not now. I find it very difficult sometimes to not be sad because I miss him. Sometimes I am able to bury my face in a game on my phone to the point that I just stop thinking about shit. I've been having weird nightmares again lately. The pharmacy opens at 8:30 am. It's 11:34 pm right now. So about 9 hours to go. This is one of the worst feelings in the world. Then thinking about my kids (yes I have 2 older daughters as well) just takes me into this sadness that just rips apart my entire heart, or at least that's what it feels like.
*Break for big stretch and yawn*
Ok, I can't even think straight right now, I'll come back to this later maybe. Maybe I'll just publish it so I won't feel pressured to come back. We will see. It's not too too often that I actually finish what I start, although I'm trying to get better at that. Anyway, I'll be back soon, no worries. And my fellow Borderlines: Keep your head up, it's not your fault, your feelings are not bad or wrong, and go listen to Brian Barnett, he's a genius.
Peace & Luv