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3 Distinct Types of Marital Control Freaks

Val is a life-long student of unexplored human potential and many challenges that self-honesty throws at us on that path.


I hate committing myself to anything. It's probably the lack of discipline, honesty. I'm probably a spoiled brat worried about getting my way every time.

-- Cameron Diaz

Spoiled Brat

We don't really need any introduction to this topic telling us how marriage is the last place where a hierarchy of wills should be at play. Instead, let's get straight to the description of these three most prevalent examples where one of the spouses could be said to have married for an awfully wrong reason.

Among them the type of a "spoiled brat" is certainly a star, and that's the one to be most noticed in such dysfunctional marital arrangements where love and respect fall in the shadow of who is calling all shots.

We are talking about a person who just happens to be his, or her grownup version of that boy or girl, that used to throw a heavy tantrum that was annoying enough to make parents give in every time.

So, they must have it their way -- no matter what. They will terrorize their spouse, kids, parents and in-laws, demanding that all cater to their whims, needs, and wishes.

Kids will be dumped to their old folks on weekends, if not on everyday basis, in a ruthless abuse of grandparents' love. Like I said it to one such granny in a moment when truth seemed to be O.K. to be mentioned:

"They didn't make that baby for themselves, they made her for you".

Now, completely aside of the fact that the baby "happened" to them, not being "planned" at all.

Sooner or later the people in their orbit stop catering to their whims, their needs and demands -- and that's the time for their quite painful awakening.

Such spoiled brats with a regularity claim their right to have many forms of fun that is not including the spouse, but rather those old buddies and gals from before marriage.

I didn't take a peek in any of those shrink's textbooks, but I couldn't miss the truth by much if I contended that a brat is just a slang word for a narcissist, since they share practically all personality traits.

So they usually marry someone of a pushover definition, someone who may secretly suffer for getting attention only in small doses and feeling neglected in more than one way.

Not being confrontational, they are rather a silent victim type, and usually "for kids' sake" not wanting to make any waves in the relationship.

It's truly amazing how successful this type of marital manipulators can be.


If you alter your behavior because you are frightened of how your partner will react, you are being abused.

-- Sandra Horley

A Family Martyr -- but Also a Manipulator

Mentioning " sacrifices" brings us to this second type of marital control freak -- who may, or may not be deeply inspired by religion, but, unlike a spoiled brat who does it all for themselves, this one is "doing it all for family's own good".

Overprotective, worrying, paranoid about all -- mostly imaginary -- possibilities of a whole range of mishaps that might befall the family, they are imposing their rules in the house, many of which could be quite strict, if not also downright crazy.

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Like I happen to know about this woman who still insists that her grownup daughters drive every morning to her house to have a "family breakfast". And I'll stop at this example, because some others you would simply refuse to believe.

A little. but impressive enough number of those that I have seen in my relatively long life, are grossly into a "healthy living", playing experts at nutrition, if not also being some medical specialists of many fields.

Obsessing over foods, air-water-soil-electronics pollution, fussing over possible terrorist attacks, violent crime, scams, incompetent doctors and car mechanics -- you name the rest -- they took upon themselves to be a "family protector".

Control freaks of that brand almost ceaselessly talk about their family -- bragging about their kids taking piano lessons, or excelling at sports or in school. Anything good that's going on in their family gives them a victorious feeling -- attached to their own "selfless efforts" which are also regularly advertised.

There is something of a hysterical quality in the tone of that voice which keeps enforcing those "safety rules" and strict dietary guidelines for the family.

Such a person, in most cases being a wife and a mother -- later on a much avoided grandmother -- doesn't have any time for herself, for a hobby of her own, if watching the daily news wouldn't qualify.

If you happen to see them in a vacation setting, they are the ones always making sure that everyone has a good amount of sunscreen applied on their bodies, even if it makes them look like freshly splashed with a bucket of milk.

They are in a true sense family martyrs, sacrificing their own comfort for their family -- and in the process being a first class pain in the ass.

Mothers like that usually create in their kids either of the two extremes -- a chronic pushover whose will has been crushed, or someone usually described as having a "mother protest syndrome", where they marry someone meek and jolly, not reminding of mother.


An obsession with physical health is a mental disease.

-- Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Health Condition(s) As Tool of Marital Manipulation

The third, and final example of marital control freaks I compassionately call "poor me" type.

Here I am about to mention that garden variety of hypochondriacs, whether just plain lazy and faking a health condition, all the way to those psycho-somatic sufferers with real, legit conditions caused by emotional issues which they somatized into some health screw-ups.

So, they may suffer from chronic tension headaches, lower back pains, indigestion, heart palpitations -- anything that might pose a limitation for them to fully function as spouses and parents.

It usually creates a whole sickening atmosphere in the house where all family is constantly hearing the person's reports about how they feel.

Of course, weather plays a major role there as well, because everybody knows how if it rains some arthritis flareups are to be expected, or sinuses will hurt, or that backache will make it impossible to stand in the kitchen for a prolong period of time -- so "somebody had better wash those dishes".

You can bet that no doctor, shrink, chiropractor, nutritionist, or herbalist can fix that condition -- because the person is unconsciously motivated to save that status quo.

It has become a sweet addiction.

Complaining has become a way of life for such a person, and they couldn't imagine it any other way

They are more tolerated than pitied by the family, who, sooner or later start seeing something exaggerated and phony about all that "poor health" racket. Especially so, after no doctor has come up with a diagnosis that would justify any of that.

If anything, they noticed how the person is a kind of enjoying their privileged status of even deciding what can or cannot be watched on the TV while they are around -- for the possibility of some "too stressful program aggravating another flareup".

Needless to say, it's no fun at all living in the same household with such a manipulator.

Well, there may be another type or two that are not included here, but these three are the major ones that are the easiest to spot. Which brings me to these thoughts how certain people are not really fit for a normal marriage and a healthy family life.

But, as we know, marriage licences don't include any screening that would make it impossible for such manipulators to make someone's life an ordeal.

Well, if an idiot can be a leader of a country, then...

About a manipulative relationships

© 2022 Val Karas

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