Waiting is the hardest part
With respects to Sir Elton John, waiting is harder than saying you're sorry. Prolaris received the request for testing my cancer cells on December 14th. I called today to see where they stood on this process, and learned they received the cells themselves on the 23rd. So, I should hear something sometime next week, the first week of January.
I'm not good at waiting.
But I will; I have to. In the mean time, I have been faithfully filling out applications to find some kind of a job. In reality, I do this to fulfill my obligations in order to receive some kind of unemployment to keep us afloat for the time being. I do not expect to get an offer of a job, due to my situation, but I am playing the game by the rules like always.
Like a fool, I still play by the rules.
But I am having second thoughts, angry thoughts now. My unemployment was denied by the state because Treehouse is fighting it. I literally have them on video saying they want out of the employee business, have emails saying they are going with an outside management company, and they deny it. Motherfuckers.
I have contacted an attorney to help, but who knows if this will really make a difference. All I know is that as I struggle to keep my son in his high school in order to graduate, my wife is two hours away and we cannot be together. I have no income, and no real chance at a job that would dovetail with my cancer treatments and weekends home to my wife. If I go to her, our son loses out on finishing his schooling where he needs to be. If I don't, the best I can do is get something that will preclude me from seeing her on the weekends more than likely. And to top it all off, we lose the place we are staying the end of March. Then, I will be driving him daily 100 miles one way to and from school in order to finish his final weeks.
The Internet knows all
My wife and I continue to scour the internet to learn more and more about what I can expect, what can be done, what cannot. I looked into ways to reduce the size of my prostate and learned that all of the foods I like I shouldn't eat, and all the ones I cannot stand I should eat. Great, just great. No red meat, no black tea, no processed foods, no sugar, no dairy products. Raw vegetables, fruits and the like are the ticket so they say, but who the hell knows?
I am having issues with my prostate that may or may not be affiliated with the cancer there. I hurt, more often than not, down there. A dull, intermittent pain that hits me multiple times each day. And at times when I do have a bowel movement, a sharp pain erupts behind my belly button. It only lasts a short while, but I wonder: what is it that is causing that? I looked up the normal size of a prostate for someone my age and learned it is in the mid 30's mL. Mine is approaching 80. More than twice the size it should be.
So, hell, I might just take it out even if my cancer isn't life threatening! Per one specialist I spoke with, some people just have big noses; I am blessed with a growing prostate. Ain't I the lucky one!?
Waiting, waiting, waiting
Another week of waiting, maybe more. By January 6th they say. I have an appointment with the SSA the 11th to discuss what I have learned and decide if I am going to take early Social Security, or maybe try for disability. I also have to decide on what, if any, procedure I will have. When will it be, now or summer? Can it wait until then? If not, who cares for our son while I am laid up?
God, I am so angry, scared, confused, depressed. So many emotions coming to the surface at the same time and I do not know how to handle them. I called a therapist last week to set an appointment up to speak with them. After explaining the situation, they wanted me to drive an hour plus that night to speak with someone in person! After getting off the phone with them my wife and I felt like they were going to commit me when I showed up! If it was that obvious how screwed up I am right now, and they felt so strongly about me meeting right then, that scares me even more.
I cancelled; I was not going to take a chance of being committed a few days before Christmas. I have another appointment set for next week now.
I hurt, mentally, physically, spiritually. I can ignore it for a while but it comes back, constantly. I am not dealing with this situation well, and it is compounded by my job loss, finances, distance from my wife, and other worries I have right now.
Good days and bad days
I have good days, and bad days, in dealing with all of this. Christmas was fantastic, as we had all five of our children together, plus four significant others and two grandbabies! I spent most of the time holding one or the other, rocking them and just soaking in their presence. At times I had both at once!
Today had its ups and downs. Ups when I went outside and worked on my little boat, resetting the rear seat and bad when I learned my unemployment was denied. Like a frigging yo-yo, I am up and down, up and down, virtually every damn day.
I want this to end. I so desire a life of calm, of knowing what is coming next, of all being in one household again. To have some kind of job that I can perform, no high expectations anymore, no trying to enrich the lives of those who could care less. Maybe driving a head start bus or something like that. I love the little kids, and truly enjoy helping them.
But until I know more about this cancer and decide on a plan of action for it, I am stuck in this limbo land of not knowing what comes next. One more week; that's all I need, just one more week. Then maybe, something will become clear one way or the other.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2021 Mr Archer