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I Have Cancer: Now What? Day Two

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Life happens, and I am so tired of it happening on me and my family. Satan has pitched a tent in our yard, and now he's building a high rise

I'm Pissed

Yesterday I received the preliminary diagnosis, set a meeting for next week with my doctor, and dealt with the initial shock of what I am being told. My wife and I spoke with a friend whose son is going through this as we speak and received some other insight into this. However, his doctor is considerably more laid back with him than I am feeling from mine. His PSA levels were slightly lower than mine, they have waited months for a biopsy while I am waiting less than a week. What does that mean?

A considerable amount of time was spent on the computer yesterday, researching prostate cancer, learning what various terms and descriptions mean, what the prognosis might be. Some good, some less so.

I sat on the couch last evening while my wife spoke with our daughters about this, and tried to find something to watch. Couldn't find anything on TV, or streaming I could get interested in.

So, Youtube.

Shout hallelujah, come on get happy!

Sven Otten is a swing/electro/something dancer I have watched multiple times on Youtube. His fast feet and moves make me smile. I can't dance to save my soul so when I see someone like this it makes me happy. I spent about an hour going through various videos, smiling and laughing at times just because they made me feel better.

Then I found the other video, a bunch of teachers performing at a pep rally to Bruno Mars Uptown Funk. I mean, how can you not smile at that? Other videos I watched included some ELO songs overlaid with various dance scenes from films, other electro-swing dancers, and even some In The Mood and Sing, Sing, Sing videos of kids jitterbugging. Really needed that.

Then, it was off to bed and sleep, and wake up in an entirely different mood.

Realization setting in and I am pissed

This morning, I woke up mad. I began to think about my lifestyle, how I live my life, interact with others, try to be. I never smoked, although I was married to it for some years. I quit bowling (which I was very good at) because I chose to not be around smoke at all. I do not drink, do drugs, live a dangerous lifestyle (outside of my younger days and cars). I am a notorious straight arrow, and things are pretty much black and white to me: no in between, no shades of gray. Either it is, or it is not.

I know people who smoke like a chimney night and day for decades, and no cancer for them. People who do drugs until they get on the Heart Attack of the Week Club, but no cancer. Alcoholics who never get caught driving drunk; law breakers, people who could not care less for their fellow man, people who use and abuse others with no thoughts of how they are hurting them. They live a life without this, so why in the HELL am I the one with it?

I still have a son at home, bent on finishing his high school career, who is a National Honor Society Student, who has offers to colleges already and I want to see him well on his way to a better future. I have a 1 year old grandson, and a 4 month old granddaughter I want to to enjoy, tell stories to, bounce on my knee, and take fishing. I have a wife that I love dearly and do not want to leave alone in this world. I've tried to do everything right, so why is this happening to me?!

It isn't fair

I understand that Life isn't fair, but at least I am one who tries to do right by others, by my family, by my health. I have a sweet tooth, and that's about it. In reading and researching prostate cancer, it says that a healthy lifestyle may be conducive to better prostate health; but it also says there is no documented proof of this. Then why say it?

If I had been one who likes salads, would I still have gotten it? More carrots, less candy bars? Apples, not Ding Dongs? What if I drank wine instead of sweet tea? Would that have made a difference?

Ultimately it matters not a whit, because I already have it. How bad it is remains to be seen. I have yet to speak with my sons, or any of the kids directly. My wife knows, one co-worker and a family friend and that's it so far. I am writing here but have not published it yet because, well if I do it might make it even more real to me and I am not ready for that just yet.

And so I will journal away, logging my thoughts and fears, maybe to publish, maybe not. I just do not know.

I went back and read some Billibuc...

I went back and re-read Bill's Mailbag #384, his article on his friend he lost recently and a couple of others. I'm in a different place today than I was when I read them initially and today I received them in a new manner. Funny how the situation changes and suddenly something you hear, or watch, or read, has a whole other meaning, a completely different effect on you than it did originally.

Bill, I know you are recovering from your hip replacement surgery and hope you are doing well, but please know your words helped me to try and acclimate myself to what I am experiencing now. Buddy, it seems like every time I turn around your words are there, helping me somehow. Oh how I wish we could meet in person and give you a hug to say "Thank you". Outside of my wife, you are the best friend I have had in years. Thank you for always being there.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2021 Mr Archer

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