Katie doesn’t have any experience with this topic—that’s why she’s opening up to all of you in hopes of learning more!
I think it’s time for me to get a little more real. Honestly, I have been holding back. I’ve been safe when it comes to sharing how I feel.
In the last article, I called out a few themes I typically gravitate towards when writing. Those themes will still be here, because they’re part of who I am. But I need to take more risks. I need to be more honest—with you all and myself.
When I first started writing this blog, deep down I knew I eventually had to write about my father. I knew that I was still holding on to frustrations, asking questions I couldn’t know the answers to, and overanalyzing every encounter we had. He passed away a few years ago and while it was sudden, that actually wasn’t even the hardest part. We didn’t have a particularly sound relationship. We didn’t speak often and when we did, it was obligatory holiday and birthday stuff. I have a handful of memories that teetered on legitimate quality time together.
He was a good man, though. At his funeral, I learned more about him than I ever had known. I learned about a different person than who I had known. This man was funny, spirited, and really cared. He cared for people, nature, and memories. When going through his house, I discovered such a lovely side of him.
And that’s what hurt the most. He didn’t wish to show that side to me. He chose to keep that side for others and for himself.
One story has always stayed with me:
My father coached baseball for years. He had such an incredible appreciation for the sport and for his team. My mom remembers several occasions where the team would spend the night at our house (before I was born) because Dad knew the players didn’t have reliable transportation and the games were very early. Mom said there would be boys spread out all over the house, upstairs and downstairs.
I love that story for one main reason — I would have done the exact same thing.
My father and I have way more in common than it should seem. I think that’s why this is even more complex and complicated. I look up to him for some many reasons EXCEPT as a father.
I am finding it really hard to forgive him completely because of that complexity. He did so many things right but couldn’t fit me into that equation; or at least that is how it felt.
I titled this article “I Feel Ready” because I feel ready to start sifting through this. I have wonderful people who I can talk to and have talked to…and will continue to talk to. But, I like holding myself accountable this way.
I am a little scared of the healing process. I am scared of what I will learn about myself. I am scared of judgements others might put on me and this situation.
So for the next…however long…I plan to use this creative space to tell you about my father. I am not looking for closure, so to speak. I don’t think having closure is all that emotionally responsible, anyways. I am not really looking for anything. I just feel it in my head and heart that I need to start talking about it. I guess we will all find out why together.