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What to do when you are having Suicidal Thoughts


It's Always Darkest before the Dawn


This is a sensitive topic but one that needs to be discussed and more importantly one that needs answers. People who have suicidal thoughts seldom share these thoughts with others, however they might, they just might Google, in the privacy of their own homes "How to Deal with Suicidal Thoughts" and they might stumble upon my blog. This blog is for those who have felt this way and for those who have struggled with suicidal thoughts for their entire life. I am over 50 and I have had suicidal thoughts since I was a young girl. I consider my age a triumph over the depression that has accompanied me throughout my life.

I don't know why I have felt this way, on and off, almost all my life but I have. That's the first thing that you have to know and that is that it's not your fault that you are thinking like this. You don't want to die, you just want things to be better and you don't know how to get there. Having suicidal thoughts is not a moral flaw. But, not everyone thinks that way, especially people who have never been down that long, dark, lonely road. For those people, dealing with this subject can be terrifying. But, for people who have never had suicidal thoughts that doesn't mean that they are off the hook, they might have children going through this or husbands or wives or friends...what will you tell them when you have never dealt with this issue personally?

One weapon you have to fight against suicidal thoughts with is your mind. Your mind is what got you into this mess and your mind can get you out. First of all, who is to say that if you kill yourself that the pain will stop. What if, the moment you pass over you have all the same emotional and mental pain but have no way of making it better because you are no longer in the body or the land of the living. Someone said once, where there is life there is hope, what if the escape you seek is really just a permanent prison? Now, that is one scary thought! And if that is the case then it takes the solution of suicide off the table. If suicide is off the table one is forced to deal with the situation rather than dream of an escape hatch.

There are things you can do to make your current situation better in almost all circumstances. Exercise, eating right, fresh air, and company will all help to scrape you off the bottom and raise your mood. Remember you don't have to elevate your mood to 100%, you only have to get it up a little for now and a little later, that's all you have to do. So whatever will help elevate your mood, do those things. In addition to the areas I just mentioned, going to a movie or to a bookstore and just getting out of the house for a few hours will help. After you have elevated your mood to a decent level then you can start tackling the areas that got you into the dark side in the first place. I always liked the saying "how does one eat an elephant"? and the answer, "one bite at a time". Whatever your situation, however grim, however difficult, the answer lies in taking that first little baby step, then another, then another until the situation is remedied.

I think we live in very difficult times. We are constantly being told that we are not good enough, that we must be beautiful and rich and perfect in order to be worthy human beings. God says that we are good enough just the way we are, that He made us in His image. We don't have to conform to societies standards to be worthy of love or happiness, we don't have to be perfect, we just have to learn to love ourselves and each other just the way we are, faults, blemishes, sins and all.

Finally, remember that next week you could win the lottery or meet the man or woman of your dreams or stumble upon some unknown happiness that hasn't even entered your mind up until now. Things can and will change unless you off yourself, then you will have put a period on your life that you will have to deal with in the afterlife and your friends and family will have to deal with for the rest of their lives. There is a saying in a book called "The Big Little Book of Jewish Wit and Wisdom", it says that "A man should go on living if only to satisfy his curiosity". I like that saying, I hope you like it too.

In closing, remember that we were not put on this earth to satisfy ourselves, we were put on this earth to learn how to have a relationship with God and with others. As St. Augustine once wrote: "You have made us for yourself Oh Lord and are heart is restless until it rests in You".

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Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on March 04, 2012:

Thanks for writing Billy d, we all feel that way at times. I'm sure your comments will help someone down the road. Take it easy.

I wonder how Gary is doing as well.

billy d on March 04, 2012:

Finding this hub was emotional for me. As a 54 y.o. male. I'm just tired of dropping in and out of my own life. This has been my world since a youngster. Somehow it's reasurring to know I hav'nt been alone after all.

P.S. Gary you're not alone my friend.

icountthetimes on December 15, 2011:

Yes, I saw the poll. Very shocking :(.

I think society is geared towards people being productive and playing down their weaknesses. Only there's a fine line between telling people to get on with things, and of ignoring very real problems which can then escalate. I think your hub does help, in that you aren't afraid to bring these concerns up in a public setting. Mental health issues should not be a taboo!

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on December 15, 2011:

Yes I agree, there are a lot of people out there who suffer with this and you don't even know it. Just look at the poll I put on here.

I hope the article helps.

icountthetimes on December 15, 2011:

This is a very worthwhile subject to create a hub around. If somebody has a physical ailment, we all instantly understand, but mental suffering appears to receive an entirely different response. It's not helped by the fact that sometimes people mask their distress and suffer in silence. In the UK recently the coach of the Welsh national football team took his own life. He had what appears from the outside to be an idyllic life, so it shocked the nation and brought this subject to the forefront.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on November 16, 2011:

MissHurting, you may not be able to change your situation (at the moment) but you can change your perspective about your situation. Why not believe that your situation will benefit you or someone through you one day. Why not choose to accept any suffering by faith that God has a plan and your suffering is not in vain. If you believe in God, then you have to believe that whatever is happening to you will benefit you and maybe others someday. God promises that.

MissHurting on November 16, 2011:

What do you if you're in a situation that is beyond your control (can't change). I don't want to live this way anymore. All I do is cry behind doors and smile when others ask How are you? They don't want to know I'm having suicidal thoughts. I've tried reaching out but the support is not ongoing. It's more of a "you'll get through it" or "read your Bible" type of encouragement. I don't think they understand that I may actually do it. If I tell my Dr my Dr will just increase the doseage and put me in a psychiatric hospital which would make me feel worse.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on August 30, 2011:

It's very true that science does not have the answers you seek but Jesus Christ does. Please seek Him and you will receive the help you need. This life is already short and nothing but a test, don't end it before the test is over, you will regret it. I will pray for you Gary.

Gary on August 30, 2011:

Brie: Thank you for sharing your story. I understand, I think. I have had suicidal thoughts since I was a child. Nevertheless, I managed to put myself through university and I now have a phd (physics). I thought when I managed to achive something real these thoughts would go away but they have not. The past few years in particular have been difficult (my father died; I got divorced--no kids so no real damage I guess; had to move pretty far for a new job). I am afraid I will not manage to function in the job and get fired. This is leading to a lot of anxiety. Also, I am alone here and feel like I will be alone forever. I am the type of person who finds it very difficult to make friends or open up to people. I have been feeling very lonely and depressed and wondering if I will be able to go on. What is the point of it all? Science does not have any answers anymore, at least not for me.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on August 25, 2011:

Thanks for sharing your experience with us Will. Hope is key, hope for a better tomorrow.

Will on August 25, 2011:

Suicide is a hard topic for me to talk about because I never thought I would want to kill myself. I'm a 26 year old African American male and if you saw me you would never think I'm suicidal.I became depressed a few months ago and decided to try suicide and lucky I failed at it.I wanted to comment on this topic because I feel it's important to talk about what brought us to this conclusion of wanting to kill ourselves.I feel that the real reason people want to commit suicide is because something happened in there life that push them to that point and they haven't been able to overcome the shock of what happen. This is what happen to me when I lost my job and my girlfriend...I LOST MY MIND. I think it was just too much for my mind to handle at the time. I say this because I believe this is where the healing needs to began. What helps me everyday is to just the fact that what happen to me is over and every breath I breath I'm closer to the solution to my problem. There's always another brighter day but we got to be alive to see it. I'm not a religious person so I'm not here to preach to anyone only to offers some help to those in need. The truth of the matter is that I'm still struggling with this feeling right now and I'm not sure if I will be here after I type this message. I understand what it feels like to wake up everyday in tears and to go to bed in tears so I'm not here to belittle anyone feelings.I just want you to know you are not alone and hearing someone else struggle could possible help you because it helps me sometimes.I believe the solution to depression is found in forgiveness. You have to forgive yourself and the person that caused it. If you forgive nothing can have power over you. Stay strong people....

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on May 17, 2011:

Tayy: It gets better, if you can just hold on. And remember this is the only life you get, you can make it count for you, you don't have to feel like your life is not worth anything because God says that it is worth EVERYTHING to Him. Things will get better, it just might take awhile.

Tayy on May 17, 2011:

That video made me cry because I have those same problems except I have no dad in my life and I'm only 13 and I'm considering suicide but at the same time I don't.. I don't know what to do and me and my mom constantly fight

Tayy on May 17, 2011:

I have the same problems that you had

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on February 25, 2011:

Nice to meet you Jack!

...=Jack martin on February 25, 2011:

for later chats

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on February 25, 2011:

Just remember someday this difficult part of your life will be all over. your age I was the same way and now I can hardly remember those years. Find something that makes you happy..something creative that you can dive into, it will help. You don't have to be 100% better, just a little better will help. Try everything...try cooking, or sewing or sports or music or photography..or even writing. You can start a hubpages blog and write about everything that goes on in your family and no one will know who you are, people will support you and help you. And you might just be helping someone else out too! Just click below if you want to do that.

... on February 25, 2011:

i'll try to remember this but it just seems so hard because first six years of my life i live without a dad, now i got use to my dad and my mom is with a different guy...the hardest part for me is trying to keep it all a secret on how i feel, no one know's that i have these thoughts and when people ask where my mom is i have to make up lies, i don't like to complain but i just have no where else to go

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on February 25, 2011:

Hi ...

I feel for you. You are going through a very rough time but if you can hold on to this thought. Everything will change for you in a few short years. Your life will be your own and you can make your own choices. You can move to some faraway country, marry, get a career, will be able to do anything you want then. I understand that these are difficult times for you but you just have to hang on for a little while and then things will get better. If you kill yourself you will never know what could have been. You only have this one life, why not see what will happen and how it can be wonderful?

As for someone to talk to, you can write to me if you like. You can reach me by going to the top right corner...there is a contact place there. Also, if I were you I would try different things...hobbies, playing the guitar, art, jogging (that was very helpful for me) and in doing so you will meet other people with whom you can become friends.

Also, do you have other relatives? Other friends that you could confide in?

I will keep you in my prayers.

... on February 25, 2011:

I also only see my mom probally 10 minutes a day and thats just to drop me off for school

... on February 25, 2011:

i'm not sure if i am truly depressed but i have thoughts like these once a day and my parents are probally getting a divorce, they don't argue my mom just doesn't love my dad anymore. My dad is 61 and has had cancer, his family has mostly died from lung cancer. i'm also 14 so i don't have anyone i can trust to turn to, any hints for me?

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on February 22, 2011:

God is God for everybody, but YOU have freewill and a choice to listen or not.

Tirzah Laughs from USA on February 22, 2011:

See you aren't really listening. The voice is not God for me but rather concrete hope for resolution. If its God for you, great but it isn't for me.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on February 22, 2011:

That voice is God whom you said you reject.

Tirzah Laughs from USA on February 22, 2011:

It's a nice article but it offers the same platitudes that so many other articles offer. I guess I want that voice that calls out in the darkness and shows me the way out of this mess. But I don't think anyone can really help anyone else with this. Some people are damaged, others are ruined. There is hope if you are damaged but if you are ruined, you are ruined. We all spend our life wandering the dark, alone, hoping for the never-coming morning or a train at full speed, just so it stops.

Sometimes I'd give almost anything if it'd just stop.

And it feels like your saying 'Don't worry, be happy--god will fix it' and that just frustrates me. Sorry this article hit a nerve but it wasn't a good one. :) No worries. Tomorrow is another day whether I want it or not.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on February 22, 2011:

I'm sorry you feel this way Tirzah, I've had many people tell me that it did help them.

Tirzah Laughs from USA on February 22, 2011:

As someone who is prone to suicidal thoughts but is not religious and doesn't really believe in an afterlife,this article doesn't give me a lot of help.

And to a person truly suicidal or depressed, winning the lottery would just be one more thing I'd have to deal with that I felt incapable of.

It's well written but it feels like 100 other rah-rah tomorrow will be better articles. It sounds great to the rational mind but someone in a suicidal depression is rarely 100% rational.

And sometimes, depression is caused by the situation and you can take steps to rectify it. Other times, it's a chemical imbalance and you could bring an army and still never eat that elephant.

Excerice may help. It may not. I just wish there were new solutions or new approaches to old solutions in this article.

I think its a well-done article but it does not go far enough. It relies on the same psedo help that so many depression articles give out.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on February 22, 2011:

Wow, you just made my day! Thanks Brian!

BRIAN SLATER on February 22, 2011:

Brilliant hub Brie-lifted me ten steps up the ladder just reading it.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on January 18, 2011:

You're very welcome.

Stacy Harris from Hemet, Ca on January 18, 2011:

Thank you!

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on January 17, 2011:

Thank you Desadi, I have never heard that saying before...very nice indeed.

Desadi from Marietta, Ga on January 17, 2011:

Very good topic and yes one that is very difficult to talk about and live with. It is unnatural to want to die, as I believe we were created to live. I do believe there is a lot of secrecy surrounding depression and the oft times resulting thoughts of suicide. I also believe the more we keep stuff or thoughts in the proverbial closet the meaner they become. The things we hide the hardest become so destructive as they seek release and in that can make of death a seductive demand seeking an answer. I think in the moment we want to say yes to death but life too is a seductive force. Instead of hiding suicidal thoughts in secrecy and shame we should discuss them as a part of the struggles in life. I believe part of the reason we hide this is due to the belief the person in the moment is flawed it scares us to think we may lose someone to suicide. It is hard for us to imagine the powerful seduction of life when things are going well. When I feel my worst, darkest moments I seek out people who feel like me and talk to them as I hear their pain and can see it. I have found this has helped me as much as it helped them. I have heard that sorrow shared is halved, and joy shared is multiplied and I believe this is right. We need each other especially when life is at it's toughest times. Someone once; if you are looking down on someone make sure it is because you are reaching down to pull them up. In helping another we help ourselves. There are many ways to combat depression and suicide but the most sure way in my opinion is talking about it until someone hears you, and like you said taking baby steps to get through it. Well written thank you for that!

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on December 19, 2010:

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on December 19, 2010:

Google Zietgeist Debunked and you will see that you have been deceived.

SRH on December 19, 2010:

Google Zietgeist the movie watch the first two free the thirds out jan15 2011. Jesus is B.S. = google Mithra

Peace and Goodluck!

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on December 07, 2010:

Jackie: We are all bad people. We ALL screw up. There are only 2 kinds of people in this world those that know they are screw ups and those that don't know that they are screw ups!

Don't commit suicide the life after death of a suicide is not good. Put your faith in Jesus Christ and let him carry you, you will not regret it.

Jackie on December 06, 2010:

I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts on and off for about 10 years of my life. Ive been on multiple medications and i would go on them and they would work in the beginning but then they would peter out and i would be back to being really depressed and suicidal. Ive taken myself to the emergency room before because the thoughts were so bad. Ive also attempted suicide twice and wound up in the hospital. Ive had my fair share of hospital stays. I feel so guilty about feeling the way i do because i have everything anyone would ever want! It kills me inside knowing that im literally wasting my life. I work full time which i hate and love at the same time. I just don't see a point anymore. I don't see myself getting any better. Ive been struggling with these feelings my whole life and nothing has changed. im taking this medicine now and im losing faith in it so im going to stop it. I get sooo jealous of people who seem to just "get it". I think this is why i isolate myself because i don't want to feel this way. I also think i am a bad person by nature. And i will always be just a bad person. i hate thinking like this. One thing i do know is that im gonna keep chugging along. i must stay away from booze. I think the reason why i might be having such strong thoughts was because they other day i drank before work and i had 4 months sober and now i feel like i screwed everything up. im giving up ciggs and starting to workout again and eat better. im just gonna focus on that stuff for now and poo poo these thoughts. i hope it works and i can feel some relief

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on December 02, 2010:

It makes a difference ...which God, Jesus is the only true God.

anonomus on December 02, 2010:

when i was younger i used to have "god in my life" but i was always depressed and still wanted to die...when i was like 5 i started havin thoughts of killin myself i don't think that i can find a way to get away from those thoughts but im not givin up on it. i don't have "god" in my life but im not tryin to die but thanks again

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on December 01, 2010:

anonomus: I'm glad it could help but to really help you have to realize that your life is important (although it might not feel that way) and that this is the only time, moment, life you will have. Don't throw it away because I know for certain that if you do, you will regret this one chance you have. Pray to Jesus to show you the way, He will. If you really want to give it away, there are many children out there who have no one, why don't you give your life away to them.

anonomus on December 01, 2010:

i have always felt like i didn't belong in this world and i still do...i cant even talk to my parents about it because it would destroy them im only 18 and i tried to kill myself 4 times already...everyday i have thoughts of killing myself im haunted by my thoughts im scared of myself. i know people care for me but i don't feel like they really do i feel empty all the time. sometimes my thoughts seem more intense like they are louder and they wont stop its like a broken record always repeating its self...i feel like im losing my mind like im goin insane and wat u said was close to how i feel. im tryin to get over it im tryin to stop my friends help me out a lot i don't want to die but i know if im by myself all the time i will. i know that u believe in god and all that im not sure that i do but i know that theres a higher power im still tryin to figure that out. anyways im not sure y im tellin u this i don't really talk bout it and i don't like to talk bout it either i was just tryin to find away to get over it but yeahh wat u said it made me realize that im not the only one... i mean i knew i wasn't but it felt like no one understood me...thank you for posting this

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on November 25, 2010:

I feel sorry for you. I wish you knew how good life can be with Jesus Christ, it's a shame. If I was living a happy a delusion it is!

David on November 25, 2010:

I just knew you would throw in the god nonsense.As an atheist I am absolutely certain that not only are there no god's but there is also no mythical afterlife as well.Read The Jesus Puzzle by Earl Doherty.

Aside from that,I'm 67 years old.All my blood relatives are dead.I have contemplated suicide many times.Unfortunately I'm still alive.I used to think that suicide was a cowardly act but now think it takes courage to end one's life.Unfortunately,courage I ain't got.Because I'm a coward,I probably won't end my life.If only I had the courage to walk out on the Golden Gate Bridge and jump off.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on July 20, 2010:

You mean you were Catholic, Catholicism is not Christianity.

Anonymous on July 20, 2010:

Sorry took me a long time to answer to you.. I was a priest and after knowing the truth i decided to leave Christanity and pursue GOD in a whole different way. I am thankful to GOD for showing me the straight path.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on July 08, 2010:

Yes, I do think the reason people are suicidal is because they don't know the true God and that is Jesus Christ! It says in the Bible to worship God only...the term is the same for what was done to Jesus and he accepted worship. The Jews knew full well that he was claiming oneness with God and took up stones to stone him because of it.

The reason people are suicidal is because they don't have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, who is God...any other is a fake.

Anonymous on July 08, 2010:

Thanks for sharing the above holy verses from old and new testament. But nowhere do i see that Jesus as GOD, it doesn't say anywhere that i am GOD, does it? the words bolded worshiped him signifies the same notion for people either bowing their head downs before kings or praised him. If Jesus peace be upon him had been worshipped then think about it, wont there be a way defined to worship Jesus, no where in Bible that is described on how to worship Jesus.

To me after reading the holy verses it becomes more clearer that Jesus is not GOD but a prophet of GOD. May GOD shower his countless mercies on him.

we discuss more on it via emails or through phone conversatoin if you like.

Now getting back to people who become suicidal. Did we ever think that these thoughts are because of frustration in our lives which might have led to it. Something which we longed for and didn't get. we didn't find the meaning of what life should be like and we destest it now. Everything comes down to that man was created to worship GOD and to live life based on what he has told us. Life is a test, like any other daily test we go through. If we pass this test we are blessed with heaven and if we don't we meet hell.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on July 08, 2010:

Have you read my hub:

There is no other name under heaven by which man can be saved. I think this is where you are having difficulty...only Jesus who is God can help you.

Anonymous on July 08, 2010:

Brie, I am doing good. yes i believe in God's help. I do work out on regular basis, swim or running, i mostly eat healthy food no processed meat here. i use organic milk, vegetables and fruits..

I believe in Jesus Peace be upon him, but not as a GOD, but as a prophet. After going over bible i never read anywhere that he was crucified, therefore, i believe that he was taken away by GOD and will return again as a saviour as a human like us. I believe that GOD has no father, mother son or daughter. HE is one there can be no comparison, he is ONE, with infinite wisdom and infinite knowledge....

PS: these are my personal views and i am not here to put any religion down. i respect all religions and want this world to be in harmony by respecting all humans irrespective of their beliefs.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on July 08, 2010:

Anonymous: Are you saved? Do you know Jesus Christ? You mentioned other religions and that is why I am asking. Also, Jesus alone can save you and he can do more than just make it bearable, he can give you JOY. Also, I would encourage physical exercise and eating a healthy plant based diet. I have other hubs on how to combat depression through natural means, read those. One is posted below at the end of this hub.

Anonymous on July 08, 2010:

It is sad to see so many people loosing hope all together. My thoughts started when i was put on anti depressant, it took only 2 doses for me to go down in this sucidal thoughts, where i was looking for a knife in midle of night to kill myself. i got scared and ran into my wifes arms. since then its been a year and i constantly battle these thoughts. After all this, i have started staying close to my family and tried healing my relationship with GOD... its helps. i have become stronger over time and now even though i get thoughts but i don't get severe anxiety because of that... therefore, i am living my life right now... for all the people out there, believe in GOD, he helps you and listens to you even though you cry all the time, i have so much pain in my heart and i pour it out before GOD, he helps. in last 1 year i have seen a huge uplift in my behaviour, i don't take anti depressants, i just pray as much as i can. i wake up early before sunrise and i pray and contemplate and then i go to bed after meditation.. it all helps. life is beautiful and finally i am healing.. life is not going to be bed of roses, it is full of heartbreak and pain, but you love your GOD and family, all will be ok. i have been in the darkest cornor of life and i know how it feels to be in pain everyday... Only salvation is from the one that has created you.... Seek GOD and he will seek you. i used to hear that you take one step towards HIm and HE takes 10 steps towards him. give it a try. you will see the difference.... GOD bless you all, and i hope and pray for all here, don't do this henous act, you will do injustice to your life and to the lord who has created you, he has the right to take this life not you, otherwise, beware of the eternal hellfire which is far mre painful than this pain we go through.

Read the description of hellfire in Judiasm, Christianity and islam for more understanding.. its ugly and lonely and hot which peels your skin off and still you don't die.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on July 07, 2010:

Through Christ we all have a purpose if we will just allow it.

. . . just an earth bound misfit "I" on July 07, 2010:

To be a benefit to society was all I ever truly desired or aspired to become in life . . . . To be so blessed that I could actually be a tremendous or significant blessing either directly or indirectly to thousands upon thousands of other people which surround me as I task in the background was my goal . . . I felt that upon achieving this capacity self content would naturally follow . . . Sadly, it appears I was dealt but half a hand and my aspirations could not be accomplished . . . Sadder still, as a result, thousands upon thousands upon thousands of people that surround me both directly or indirectly suffer and do without . . . And they don't even know it . . . I guess it is getting close for time to go . . . . Oh well

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on July 06, 2010:

We were made to have fellowship with Jesus, pray to Him and he will give you a new life.

karinlee on July 06, 2010:

I have tried to die so many times I have actually lost count--somewheres around 20? But I do know that I have acutally died 4 of those times, and each time I come back madder than the last time for still being alive. I will keep trying until they quit watching me and I can die in peace. I have been on every anti-depressant on the market and I truly believe that the meds screw my life up worse than before. It is now so unbeliveable screwed up that I don't even want to try to live. After all, we all die anyway.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on June 11, 2010:

Jay, the gun won't end the pain, the gun will ensure that you have that pain forever with no interludes...only Jesus can end the pain, turn to Him.

jay howard on June 11, 2010:

As Seneca said, "It's the quality of life, not the quantity, that counts. While life is sweet it is not to be purchased at any cost."

Suicide is a tool I use to get through every miserable day. I am 49 and have never experienced a day when I didn't get up and wish I was dead. When I was 20 I purchased a 357 magnum for the sole purpose of putting it in my mouth. One of the few things that kept me from doing it was fear of being a vegetable. Lately, however, I've learned that returning soldiers who kill themselves with their pistol fill their mouth with water first, so the shock waves blow their head apart. At least now I know I can do it without surviving.

Life sucks except for those very brief periods when it fools you into thinking it doesn't. The gun will end that daily pain of constant and never-ending failure. It's inevitable for me. Every day I can drag one foot in front of the other is a victory, but I know the end is coming for me and soon.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on April 05, 2010:

true stories are depressing and uplifting sometimes

JIM JONES on April 05, 2010:


Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on March 28, 2010:

Thanks for sharing your experience with us 2besure.

Pamela Lipscomb from Charlotte, North Carolina on March 28, 2010:

I have battled depression and suicidal thoughts, since I was a little girl of 7. As a young woman of 20, I attempted suicide. After almost being successful at committing suicide, I realized that I did not want to die, I just wanted the pain to stop. After I received pray and Salvation, the depression improved considerable. I never attempted suicide again. Everyone must find their own path to healing.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on February 26, 2010:

To Everyone who has commented in the last 2 months: For some reason my email notification was off so I wasn't notified when you wrote your comments. Thanks for commenting and I'm sorry I wasn't able to respond in a timely manner.

I really feel awful for not getting to these comments especially.

Christian: What has helped me when I have felt that way is that you just don't know what death will bring. You don't know if it will indeed make anything any better. Just because you believe that nothing happens after death doesn't mean that that is true. So it's a huge gamble to kill oneself. I think it would be a better gamble to see how you can go about improving your lot in life. Do whatever you need to do to feel better, even if it's just a little it now and and do it every day. Write to me if you need anything.

Christian on February 25, 2010:

...Apologies if that post was a bit depressing. I'm not trying to argue the case for suicide and I don't want to sow negative thoughts in other people so again I apologise.

Christian on February 25, 2010:

I think this webpage has been created with noble intentions but every person contemplating suicide is doing so for a myriad of different personal reasons. There is no one-size-fits-all solution, although I applaud the advice about the importance of getting the "swingometer" even one degree away from the down position. Whether you can do that with light therapy or watching a movie is your business. I can't remember who said the hardest part of the journey is the first step but it seems to ring true.

I'm viewing this site because I've been overwhelmed by suicidal feelings. This is only the third time in my 36 years that I've felt like this and it scares me because it feels like I could really go ahead with it this time.

I've sabotaged every career path I've ever taken because I've despised every one of my jobs. Consequently I'm broke and can't afford all the trappings that so many people seem to use as an ameliorative (cars, houses, holidays etc) to cope with life's downsides. I've let down my girlfriend. We live in different countries and I can't support her or afford to regularly see her. I've severed ties with all my friends.

Four friends of mine have died (two suicides, a heart attack and a murder). Another two friends are dying of cancer. A man collapsed in front of me in a car park and died despite my attempts to resuscitate him. The memory of his face is burned into my retina. I've been conned out of thousands of pounds by someone I trusted... It's just been drip, drip, drip.

I don't believe in God. I don't believe in an afterlife or magic or spirits. At best life seems inane and repetitive -joyless paralysing tedium day after day after day. I just can't believe how pointless it all is.

So my question is - people may say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but when the problem seems to go on, year after year and into decades without hope - what other options are there?

Robert on February 21, 2010:

It's surprising that you have considered suicide. You are such a beautiful woman, and you have a deep and inspiring insight that demonstrates an intellect far above most of us. If suicidal tendencies can happen to you it could happen to anyone. But obviously you are a fighter which is how you've overcome. Have you considered writing a book? I would entitle it "To hell and back," but Audie Murphy already took that one.

Tony on February 15, 2010:

It surprises me that reading this has given me a completely different out look on life, thank you

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on December 17, 2009:

Thanks for the comments DC.

DC on December 17, 2009:

Thank you for a great hub. Having to battle with depression myself for the last 4 years it can seem very hopeless but it is important to maintain good health,keep strong family ties and have the support of very close friends. At times I hated the world and could not be around people but in time it got better. Don't be afraid to talk to those you trust so as to get the thoughts out of your mind. There is love and kindness that lead to healing.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on November 14, 2009:

You are so welcome, I'm glad I could be of some help.

tony0724 from san diego calif on November 13, 2009:

Brie I just turned 49 and like anybody else I have had my down days . I have been fortunate to have some friends remind me when I get down like that , that every problem I have is temporary . And that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem . And just today looking at the Drudge Report they had a blurb about the most suicides ever in the US this year . I know we are all struggling in one form or another . I just pray my ass off and just put one foot in front of the other in dark times.But now we all need each other more then ever in a time when this world seems to be spinning out of control . Thx for your sensitive approach to a tough topic !

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on November 13, 2009:

Thanks for sharing Erin. Exercise, eating right, light therapy and music also helps me. I find if I am sinking if I can just improve things a bit...that also helps, I don't have to make everything perfect, just better.

God Bless

Erin on November 13, 2009:

I too was diagnosed as having a Borderline Personality with depression and anxiety about 4 years ago after self harm. Antidepressants and counseling didn't overly work well for me but everyone is different. Suicidal thoughts have played on my mind every day for 13 years but I really don't want to die, I just don't want to live either. I have a wonderful life, friends, family, great job and I'm reasonably attractive and intelligent and yet I manage to cry or be in a state of depressive disconnection almost every day. But I'm a fighter and I'm willing to stay in the game, even if its just to see the people I love fulfill their lives and help them to enjoy life...and because tomorrow may just be a great day for me and I don't wanna miss that.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on May 18, 2009:

Good luck to you SarahMichelle, keep up the fight and just might not be better on the other side so you might as well try and make it better here.

SarahMichelle on May 18, 2009:

Good hub. So many important points. I am a self-injuring, depressive, anxious, Borderine personality...person. So many people have problems like me and many contemplate and carry through with suicide. I don't believe a lot of them actually want to die though. Some just don't want to live. I have been there. I actually think about ending it all at least once every day. But I don't want to die. I just don't want to live. Fortunantely, I am super blessed with a therapist and some beautiful friends that keep me going. Thanks for the hub. You are so right - we have to talk about this stuff. No matter how hard it is.

majicat on April 21, 2009:

Yes, it is. The good thing for me is that I have lived within the aftermath. I know the damage this does to the survivors, so for me, suicide is, as you said, "Off the table". I can say that because I did the work I needed to do, my life is sweet. Certainly there has been collateral damage because recovered. I had many codependent relationships and when I wouldn't play anymore, they went away, including my wife of 27 years. it is a pity, but there are painful things in everyones life. the pain and work of recovery was well worth the effort.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on April 21, 2009:

I've never known someone who has committed suicide, I feel for you having known two people, that must be very difficult.

majicat on April 21, 2009:

Good topic, Brie.

Very difficult thing for many to approach. People do not want to think that their loved one feel this way and the people who do think about suicide generally don't want to speak about it either. However, people who suffer with this will hint at it and even speak openly. that is why it is very important for those around them to listen. You don't really know how close to precipice they are. You need to be able to sit with their pain without moving to hide it, fade it or fix it. People suffering need to feel valid. minimizing their suffering does just the opposite. in depression you feel as though you are floating in molasses, every movement is with tremendous effort and deliverance in nowhere to be found

William Styron wrote of depression in his book, "darkness visible" ;

In depression this faith in deliverance, in ultimate restoration, is absent. The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the foreknowledge that no remedy will come — not in a day, an hour, a month, or a minute. If there is mild relief, one knows that it is only temporary; more pain will follow. It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul. So the decision-making of daily life involves not, as in normal affairs, shifting from one annoying situation to another less annoying — or from discomfort to relative comfort, or from boredom to activity — but moving from pain to pain. One does not abandon, even briefly, one's bed of nails, but is attached to it wherever one goes.

Is it any wonder that feeling that way someone would want it to end? For many who suffer from depression, they see no other option, but suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Long term Chronic depression has devistating effects on ones health, but the worst I believe is that the b rain looses it ability to respond to pleasure. In that snese , for the sufferer, One simply cannot pull oneself up by the boot straps or "pull yourself together". this is why antidepressants are important. Not because they are a cure, but because they help the person respond to treatment.

I suffered from chronic depression for for decades. I though of suicide all the time. I lost my father and step mother whom I loved to a murder/ suicide in 2002. last fall I lost an employee to suicide, a young man of only 17 years. He was the son of a very dear friend of mine.

I can tell you that suicide is the ultimate selfish act. it leaves wounds in the survivors that will never heal. along with the pain of grief is the burning rejection and the aching feeling of "If only".

Shortly before my fathers exit, I sought treatment. I decided that I did not want to live in the darkness anymore. I wanted to live.

Counseling is very important. a person must shop around though because bad counseling is worse than no counseling at all. I was fortunate to find someone who was gifted.

a person must be proactive in their own recovery if they want to recover. it is magical thinking to go to someone and say, "Fix me" .

Alice miller writes in her book, "the Drama of the gifted child";

Experience has taught us that we have only one enduring weapon in our struggle against mental illness: the emotional discovery and emotional acceptance of the truth in the individual and unique history of our childhood. Is it possible then, with the help of psychoanalysis, to free ourselves altogether from illusions? History demonstrates that they sneak in everywhere, that every life is full of them-perhaps because the truth often would be unbearable. And yet for many people the truth is so essential that they must pay dearly for its loss with grave illness. On the path of analysis we try, in a long process, to discover our own personal truth. This truth always causes much pain before giving us a new sphere of freedom-unless we content ourselves with already conceptualized, intellectual wisdom based on other people's painful experiences, for example that of Sigmund Freud. But then we shall remain in the sphere of illusion and self-deception.

How to combat suicidal thoughts? first of all, Don't do it. what worked for me was that I told myself, "Not today, I will wait until tomorrow" and I sought help. Secondly, tell someone how you feel. if one person wont listen, then tell someone else. keep pushing until you find someone who will help you.

Life is good, even if it feels like it isn't.

Brie Hoffman (author) from Manhattan on April 20, 2009:

You're welcome, I hope it helps someone.

Vladimir Uhri from HubPages, FB on April 20, 2009:

Thanks for informative hub.

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