Who are you?
If you've stumbled across this hub via Google, you're probably a blabbermouth
You're the type of person who can't stop talking. Gross!
Most people live inside their own little worlds. They do not care what you have to say. So, why talk?
Chances are, much of what you have to say isn't very interesting at all, to anyone. If you have friends, they'll listen to you-- but only because they like you.
Possible reasons why you are scouring the Internet, trying to learn how to be a cold, quiet person.
- Maybe you're an extrovert and you're looking for ways to come off as intelligent, without having to actually crack open a book or learn something.
- Or, maybe you're an introvert and your constant rambling on about nothing in particular is the result of nervousness, social anxiety, etc.
Either way, rule number one for becoming a cold, quiet person is:
- shut your mouth.
Simply close the flapper.
Once the yakking stops, you'll be surprised at how your social status starts to slide up when you're in the company of others.
Before we continue with our little lesson in how to come off as cold, quiet and aloof let's review what psychology tells us about extroverts and introverts.
An extrovert is a person who is energized by social interaction.
Upsides to being an extrovert
- If you're American, congrats! Your culture favors extroversion. Most people will like you and want to hang out with you. You're more likely to get dates, promotions, etc. provided, of course, that you're not a complete moron. Even if you are stupid, you'll probably do quite well if you have any amount of confidence.
- Extroverts do well in careers that place them in the public eye. Politicians, bartenders, performers, etc. are usually extroverts.
- Extroverts sometimes come off as fake, shallow or constantly in need of attention.
- You may find yourself restless in situations where you're alone.
Advice to Extroverts
If you're extroverted, you may want to tone it down sometimes. Take a breath and stop talking. Chill out! Lay off the crack cocaine. Become a cool, quiet person by shutting your mouth every so often. That's the number one rule, and it's doubly important for extroverts.
Shutting your mouth can help you in other areas besides "becoming cold and quiet." Some activities require the ability to temporarily cut yourself off from your social network so that you can focus your energy on something else. Become well-rounded. You'll be better off in the long run.
People who are too extroverted might become moronic cartoons, bags of hot air, social zombies with no personalities of their own. As they age, people who are unable to spend a second by themselves are drawn to plastic surgery clinics. They need to fit in, they need to be cool, they need to buy convertible cars (usually Chrysler Sebrings) so that they can whoop at people as they ride past, lean out and start conversations with strangers at stop lights, and get attention from everyone around as they drive past slowly, playing highly annoying music at loud volumes.
Learning how to be cold and quiet can prevent you from becoming a douche bag.
An introvert is someone who gets energized from turning inward.
Upsides to being an introvert
- Introverts find it easy to hole up in their rooms and home in on tasks (studying, doing other peoples homework, reading, playing video games, etc.) that require undivided attention.
- People with introverted personalities are often highly imaginative and creative. Introverts are well suited for careers in computer programming, academia, writing, etc.
- You might become a NERD. Video games or romance novels might take over your entire life. You may become emotionally and spiritually stunted, if you substitute real life experiences with cyber experiences.
- If you never learn how to socialize, you'll experience social anxiety when confronted with situations where you have to interact with other people.
Advice for Introverts
If you're introverted, you should go outside every once in a while and convince a girl or boy, somehow, to let you touch her/him. You might start by washing all of that grease out of your hair and squeezing out those pimples. It might also help your chances if you learn how to interact with your fellow human beings without mumbling or looking at the ground.
Introverted people who spend too much time in doors often shrivel up and become vampire-like wraiths or blow up and become morbidly obese, like pale toads. Introverts are drawn like magnets to thousand-sided dice, Star Trek conventions, video game controllers, dragons, elves, pocket protectors and glass bottles containing model sailboats.
How to look cold and quiet: 3 tips
Now that we've covered the basics (shut the mouth) and have gone over some steps you might take to compensate for your temperament, you have some idea about how to start being cold and quiet.
But being cold and quiet won't do much for you if you look goofy. So, let's take a look at your body language and personal style.
- Carry a prop at all times. A book with a serious looking title will do nicely. Chicken Soup for the Soul isn't something that a cold, quiet person would read. How about Nietzsche's Beyond Good and Evil? Now you're cooking with grease. However: if you bring a book, please read it. Refrain from looking around or over the top of it, at other people. Don't lay the book down in front of you, and then try to strike up a conversation about it. That's lame, and it's neither a cold nor a quiet thing to do.
- If you don't have a prop handy, relax as much as possible while staring at nothing in particular. Think of anything you like, or nothing at all. Remain completely still. Don't tap your foot or anything. Slouch down in your seat if you like, and chill. If you're at a bar, you may sip from your glass of your choice of liquor every once in a while. I recommend on the rocks. Let the bartender get to you when he or she gets to you; don't wave around, snap or yell for another round.
- Wear all black. A plain black or grey T-shirt or blouse is just fine. Wear that with a pair of plain black or dark blue jeans that fit. None of that Hot Topic baggy crap, please; don't buy those pants with all of those straps flapping everywhere. Skip the mall goth look. You want to exude a foreboding, dark presence. You can't do that if you're wearing candy striped tights and pigtails with black mascara and drawn-on eyebrows. You're trying to become cold and quiet; you're not auditioning for the next Tim Burton flick.
There's nothing more cold and quiet than a body dead in the ground. We all are going to die someday, so eventually everyone is going to be very cold and very quiet. Therefore, it might help you get into a cold, quiet mindset if you reflect on your inevitable death each morning when you wake up.
Try this: scrawl "I am going to die someday" on a piece of paper. Now, tape that piece of paper to the ceiling above your bed so that you will probably see it every morning when you wake up.
Someday, your eyelids won't flicker open when the sun rises even if your alarm goes off. Your body will just lay there, rotting in your bed or on the couch (if you croaked while watching TV, as many people do) until someone figures out that you're dead.
Once you grasp that concept and master all of the above you'll be well on your way to being a cold, quiet person.
Cheers, and good luck!
Amoney on June 27, 2014:
All of you break rule no 1 shut your mouth
Mei on February 18, 2014:
That's what i always think to do read a book and when i become quite people say girl why don't you talk you're always quite then i start talking .
danicole from United States on July 19, 2013:
this article is really funny :)
Rodric Anthony from Surprise, Arizona on July 19, 2013:
Interesting read and thoroughly offensive enough to ruffle my feathers. I liked it! I voted it down first and then changed my mind and voted it up. The shock value that you use to get attention is nice. I was not sure if you meant humor or not at first, but I assume that you meant humor. Even better if you didn't but that is how you come off. Interesting hub.
Audrey Howitt from California on July 19, 2013:
I so enjoyed this! Sometimes introverts do shrivel up!
Theresa Ast from Atlanta, Georgia on July 19, 2013:
Got a kick out of this . A lot of humor and pretty good descriptions of introverts and extroverts. I was so relieved to find out that as an introvert it is OK for me to be in Academia. :) Theresa
Alex Munkachy (author) from Honolulu, Hawaii on June 02, 2013:
@Kaiyan, thanks for the correction, you get so many experience points for that one.
@Rose thanks for the vote.
@moonfroth Thanks for the feedback. I think an entertaining way to write for two audiences (Google wanderers and HubPages writers) is to have some fun at the random Googler's expense. Shoot a kneecap off of that fan of yours for me, I've had my eye out for that guy for a while now
Clark Cook from Vancouver ara, British Columbia, Canada on June 01, 2013:
A wonderful hoot! Dripping with sarcasm, but readers must be aware of the circumstances. being satirized if they have any hope of truly "getting" the sarcasm itself. You have a deft hand and mind and nudge the thicker of your readers down paths appropriate to their talent. And the piece is carefully structured to guide the reader along. Your piece helped me to understand that I'm an introverted extrovert with delusions of grandeur based on nothing but my massive ego ad the ceaseless praise of a single fan, who owes me a lot of money. His approval of me may be suspect. Ay me....................off to write another Hallmark card.
rose-the planner from Toronto, Ontario-Canada on June 01, 2013:
Absolutely incredible!!!! You have such a creative mind that definitely resides outside the box. I mean, can you hear me? I am still laughing. Totally hilarious! (Voted up). -Rose
kaiyan717 from West Virginia on June 01, 2013:
LMAO! I don't know why I read, but glad I did. Under Introverts you have Extroverts instead, I must be one of those Introvert Prefectionists....