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How to Avoid Germs on Door Handles by Using Your Butt as a Hands Free Door Opener

In the butt... lies a great deal of utility!

In the butt... lies a great deal of utility!

Do you want to avoid contact with troublesome viruses and bacteria? Or do you just want to steer clear of generally unclean puplic surfaces? If you do, chances are you have trouble with doorways. Not to worry- there are some very creative ways to avoid doorknob contact. All it takes is some quick thinking- and skillful use of the tush!

Below I shall show you how to open doors using your rump. We shall cover all the major door types, and at the end of this guide, I will also provide some alternative means of opening doors hands-free, or at least contact free.

Let the maximization of your gluteus maximus begin!

Swinging Doors

These are the easiest doors to pass through hands free. Simply turn right before passing through- doing one of those neat basketball fakes, and tilt slightly forward, pushing the center of the door with your bottom.

Non-Butt-Alternate: The Superman

For manly men, this germ phobic door opening move is a must-use.  Straighten both arms in front of you and ball your hands into a fist. Punch through the door.

(Note: You don't actually punch through the door... you apply pressure to it and it swings open. Just wanted to point that out. I've tried both; wouldn't recommend punching through.)

germs-on-door-handles

Push Handle Doors

These are the most enjoyable doors to open with one's backside, since the move involves a bit of attitude. Sidle up to the door and place the side of one hip or one butt cheek against the handle. Next, with a fun little shimmy or pelvic thrust, throw the thing open.

You'll then be able to stride on through as the door opens and slowly swings shut again. Just be quick! If you're leading other people through the door, catch the edge with your foot to hold it open (and next time, get them to do the dirty work for you).

Revolving Doors

This move requires a ballet-like bit of footwork, but is excellent when you are with company as you will be looking back at those following after you as you spin through the rounded chamber.

Step into your revolving door pie piece and place your bottom against the bar. To move the door, lean back and keep moving by shuffling your feet back in small, dainty steps. Slowly slide along to the outer part of your wedge of the door and when you make it to the next opening, you shall simply pop out!

Handle Doors

Doors with handles that must be pushed down to release the catch are easiest for tall people and require the most gluteel finess.

After approaching the door, hike one cheek onto the handle using a sort of hip hiking hula move. Reverse the move and bring the handle down, then push your back against the door and stride through with all the pride of someone capable of even the most difficult buttwork.

Doors with Door Knobs

These are the bane of any germ phobic existence. They are impossible to open with one's backside or really any other alternate body part, and believe me, I have tried.

The only way you can use your tush to get you through this bind is to somehow entice other fools to somehow do the door opening for you.

germs-on-door-handles

Handy-Capable Doors

These days, many doors in public spaces and in office buildings have wheelchair-friendly ramps and door-opening buttons. These are a real boon to germ phobes because they remove handles, bars, and knobs from the equation entirely!

That said, most people still press these buttons with their hands. Which makes these large metal buttons just as troublesome as any door handle. For this reason, skin-on-surface contact must still be avoided.

Not to worry! To cater to those for whom they are actaully designed, most door-opening buttons are right at tush level. Simply give it a little tush push and open sesame!

Hands AND Butt-Free Door Opening Alternatives

Obviously your bottom is not the only bit of anatomy at your disposal that can be utilized for door opening. Here are some other common means of opening doors that involve avoidance of skin contact:

  • The sleeve-over-hand move: If you're wearing long sleeves, you can pull them over your hand as protective gloves for door opening purposes
  • The skirt-over-hand move: If it's a hot day, and you're a lady, simply pull up your skirt and use the fabric as a sanitary barrier between you and the door handle
  • The scrap paper approach: Utilize old envelopes and magazine inserts as improvised sanitary barriers
  • The oh-I-think-I-might-be-missing-something-from-my-purse/pockets approach: If you see someone else going for the door, let them do the dirty work of opening it by suddenly faking away from it in an urgent search for something that is "missing" from your pockets.
  • The Indiana Jones: Catch a recently-opened door before it closes completely by running for it like there's no tomorrow and jamming various limbs in place before it shuts, then using them to throw it open again. This move is more fun and effective if you either hum the theme song or running as your secret mental soundtrack.

Happy door-opening, intrepid germ phobes!

Comments

Brian L. Powell from Dallas, Texas (Oak Cliff) on December 09, 2011:

Spoken like a true girl, Simone.

Simone Haruko Smith (author) from San Francisco on December 09, 2011:

Tosh, leroy64! Backsides are, like, TOTALLY clean! It's our hands with which we wipe our noses, touch our faces, and touch a lot of other rather unclean surfaces. Butt cheeks are fiiiiiine :D

Brian L. Powell from Dallas, Texas (Oak Cliff) on December 09, 2011:

You have convinced me to start washing my hands after opening doors. The number of people in the comments trying these methods is alarming. That's a lot of backsides on doors. Unwashed Hands are bad enough.

Simone Haruko Smith (author) from San Francisco on December 09, 2011:

Thanks lessthansteve! And OMGirdle, you have an AWESOME username. AWESOME!!

OMGirdle from United States on December 02, 2011:

Very helpful and funny blog

Lessthansteve from Ireland on May 06, 2011:

Best. Hub. Ever.

Simone Haruko Smith (author) from San Francisco on April 11, 2011:

Heheheheheheheheee >_<

Stephanie Henkel from USA on April 11, 2011:

Great idea! I've tried other ways, but, really, using teeth is not a good idea! Thanks for the laugh and the suggestions!

Rajinder Soni from New Delhi, India on April 09, 2011:

Oh My God, Simone just stop it now....... haaahhheee Me and my family are laughing and we have enjoyed it a lot. You are a gem. How come you have thought of publishing this one? You give us great ideas. And the url is perfect "GERMS IN DOOR HANDLES". Excellent. By the way, most of the time at my office I use to open the door with my right or left foot whichever comes first while walking, though I have seen colleagues utilizing their butts on doors in the office premises.

Mark Ewbie from UK on April 08, 2011:

Cool hub Simone and I might feature it my weekly newsletter, or possibly award a small prize. Only joking, slightly sadly.

Cool though, and to think I was hoping to impress YOU with MY writing.

daffodil2010 on April 07, 2011:

i like this hub so much i think its useful and voted up thanks for sharing

Simone Haruko Smith (author) from San Francisco on April 07, 2011:

Well, you know what they say, LeisureLife. Write about what you know. And all I know is that I like to open doors using my tush.

And AustralianNappies- first, you've got the best username on HubPages. Second, I'm a huge fan of the scrap paper approach. I hope you enjoy it!

Now, Sweetsusieg, you have GOT to get me in on this telekinesis stuff. I tried it once and all it did was give me indigestion. Fritzy or not, I bet your telekinesis beats mine!

Sweetsusieg from Michigan on April 07, 2011:

So you're saying that I should use my butt to open the doors rather than my telekinesis? I bet that would work even better since my telekinesis has been on the fritz lately...

AustralianNappies from Australia on April 07, 2011:

That's truly hilarious! But jokes aside, I've always had a thing about turning the tap on to wash my hands in public bathrooms, and from reading this Hub you've just given me a good idea for next time I'm in that situation. I'll just take the 'scrap paper approach'. Genious!

LeisureLife from USA on April 07, 2011:

Great Hub idea !

Simone Haruko Smith (author) from San Francisco on April 07, 2011:

Yeah, I only use my tush on levered door handles when I have my hands full, but that's the case so often that I've gotten somewhat good at it! As for those darned knobs... yeah, there really is no convenient way around them. DARN YOU, KNOBS!!

Peggy Woods from Houston, Texas on April 07, 2011:

Haha! Have you been following me around? I must admit, I've never tried the butt approach with a levered door handle...the elbow works just fine for that. Knobbed doors are the worst! Have to be quite creative sometimes or wait for the door to be opened by someone else from the outside and make a mad escape before it closes. Clever hub and funny!

Simone Haruko Smith (author) from San Francisco on April 07, 2011:

Thanks, Lili Rose! Yeah, that purse searching one is a real boon!

Lily Rose from A Coast on April 07, 2011:

Hilarious - absolutely hilarious! Oh, and so useful, too! I always try and avoid using my hands to open doors at all costs, especially at public restrooms - I like the oh-I-think-I-might-be-missing-something approach for knobbed doors!

Simone Haruko Smith (author) from San Francisco on April 07, 2011:

Hahaa, thanks for stopping by, y'all! And Miss Mellie- it is SO MUCH FUN to compete on stuff like this, no? And you make a good point The Jet, though I tend to eat more with my hands, or touch my face inadvertently with my hands, than I do with my rump (flexibility issues), so I tend to sacrifice the cleanliness of my backside to spare my more high-use appendages.

Hugo Roger from Safely Gaurded on April 07, 2011:

Wow very interesting subject!

Helena Mason from Cornwall, England on April 07, 2011:

This is great, I thought I was the only one who did this! Very, very funny x

Garrett Mickley from Jupiter, Florida on April 07, 2011:

"In the butt... lies a great deal of utility!"

That caption made me LOL out loud.

You write the best hubs.

Andrew Gubb from Barcelona, Spain on April 07, 2011:

Hilarious!

Brenda Barnes from America-Broken But Still Beautiful on April 07, 2011:

Oh I SO saw myself here. The sleeve trick helps but then I have the germs on my clothing. I also keep hand sanitizer and baby wipes in my car and use them. This is a great, fun Hub!

The Jet from The Bay on April 07, 2011:

LOL. This is funny. Great hub!

I use my elbows or have a portable hand sanitizer in my jacket pocket.

Akbok from Aomori prefecture, Japan on April 07, 2011:

I was hoping that someone may have finally discovered the mythical method of opening a doorknob with their greater side. Alas, the search continues. Very funny stuff!

M.S. Ross on April 06, 2011:

My daughter and I sometimes have fun competing to see who can open and/or get through a door using methods similar to what you describe. Amazing how quickly some very creative options can be conjured!

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