Writing to me is a therapeutic way to work through my current struggles and seems quite necessary for me right now.
Feeling Isolated in a Crowd
I felt the need to write an email to a friend who I had just been explaining to, about how much God has blessed me via bringing wonderful people, who are both friends and counselors, into my life. People who could truly see me and therefore see and understand my pain and in turn offer their heartfelt and realistic love and compassion towards me. These were not just words, but love in action.
This was such a rare event in my life, that though it happened four days ago, I still feel freaked-out and scared because I am afraid of wasting their time. Part of me feels overwhelmed and is telling me that I need to perform for them BECAUSE of the fact that they are trying to help me.I want to show my gratefulness through allowing them to see what they accomplished in me. I realize this makes no sense whatsoever. It does show how deceptive the mind may be.
I have been a people-pleaser all of my life. If I paid "buku" bucks to see a therapist - the whole time I was in their office, I have no doubt that my mind would be engaged with thoughts of how I don't want to bother them, and how they too have a life and family of their own. I would imagine things that they themselves might be going through and how I might be a help and blessing to them. Once again, that scenario is no doubt nonsensical as well because if they were a good therapist who knew their job, they would find ways to not allow this to happen and would instead draw things out of me while helping me to realize the answers I need in order to find healing.
I don't want to make life harder or more complex for anyone. Even if it was a therapist I was paying buku bucks to. Perhaps this is pride on my part, in wanting to pretend everything is okay when it is not. Simply because I hate the idea of being a nuisance.
The following is inspired by an email I wrote to my friend. I never sent it because I do not want my friend to feel like my problem is their problem for them to figure out, while in turn feeling obligated to try and console me. Especially when my current mental state is to ruminate on things which bring no change. Why should I push my neurosis on to another?
I hope that me thinking these things through (and writing this article) is just a first step in a correct direction which will eventually bring change, both to myself and to anyone who reads this.
My unsent email/ turned article:
In my last email to you, I feel like I may have made myself sound stronger than I actually am.
A typical day for me is to shrug away the incessant depression and anxiety from my mind when I get out of bed and consciously attempt to focus (through my sore anxious stomach) to the point of "getting through" and doing the tasks that I have each morning in the kitchen. After that, it may take hours for me to get to the point that I can focus to the point of reading my Bible with understanding. For me, this is a very important part of my every day life. I am learning to give myself grace in regards to how long this takes when I see how fast time passes on the clock due to my need to read and reread the same passage over and over. This is due to my constant ruminating on the hopelessness that I feel at my plight in life.
While this is happening, I often feel darkness trying to enshroud me like a thick black ink coming at me from behind. I try to think of how I might shrug that image off once and for all. I also try to think how I might explain to others why I don't have a job, as well as any other odd idiosyncrasies they may see in me in social settings. I do know that they do not truly perceive these things for what they actually are.
One of my daughters told me that I can be socially awkward. I think the reason for this is that I am learning to be more genuine with who I am. I used to fake being happy all the time thinking I was doing society a favor by not having another "lost and confused" soul to deal with. At that time I was probably way less socially awkward, but that only led to suicidal thoughts and intense feelings of isolation within a crowd. I like to think that my social awkwardness would be cause for compassion and curiosity by others who might be able to see that there may be difficult things going on in my life, and that what they see on the outside is not truly who I am on the inside.
I know that to be the case. What I don't completely know is how to reach out, or who to reach out to for help in healing. I know that if I was alone, and no longer needed to deal with the negativity that I feel incessantly worn down by, that I could/ would heal, and that my life would be drastically changed for the better.
I would grow in leaps and bounds. With my new-found perspective on life, new opportunities would be opened up for me to walk into. I have no doubt of that.
What I don't know is whether such possibilities are able to happen for me while staying/ living in the situation that I am in now. That is what I hope to discover in the near future.
My goal at this point is to be as genuine as possible. If this serves to make me more awkward to others than how I am already perceived by them as, then so be it. God knows my heart, mind and soul. He loves me unconditionally and desires me to be conformed to His image - not someone else's. That was my first mistake all those years ago. I see it now. Now that I have courage and wisdom to look.
Jesus is the One who is more than able to supply to me all that I need (and legitimately as a fellow human being, crave) concerning love, acceptance and emotional intimacy. He understands my needs because He created me.
He has actually already given me all these things. I simply need to choose to see and truly acknowledge what I already have. I am excited about growing in my relationship with him. I can choose to let negative circumstances, point me to positive answers which are already within my grasp.
I now understand (to some extent) that it is not only "okay" to strengthen myself rather than to dwell on the concerns of others; but it is healthy to do this. It is what I need to do. It is what I should have begun doing 35 years ago when I first came into my current situation.
Today I consciously choose to look ahead and not back; and to meditate on truth rather than fantasy in order to cope. When I fail to do this, I will choose it once again. And, I will look to the Author and Finisher of my faith in order to find strength for each moment of every day. I will not give up, because I have a very real "Blessed Hope".
self portrait 2018
Mitara N from South Africa on March 10, 2020:
Wishing you everything of the best on your new journey ahead
Kathryn Collins (author) from UK on March 10, 2020:
Thank you so much Mitara N this is the new journey which I recently embarked on
Mitara N from South Africa on March 07, 2020:
Challenges come, always in your face, but you are a soldier, every challenge makes you stronger.
Continue to be genuine, and true to yourself.
No one else is living your life but you, be the best you can be.
Live it, love it and embrace it.
Positive affirmation, leads you away from the darkness.
Kathryn Collins (author) from UK on February 19, 2020:
Thank you Raymond. You are so correct! Thank you for the compliment as well.
Raymond Oickle from windsor on February 19, 2020:
I seem to feel a lot like you do. I really hate to impose myself on others, even when they have reached out to help. Be that as it may, I think you, like myself have to learn how to accept help when it's given, as long as you are being genuine and real with those who want to help! great write, by the way!