Bachelors Degree in Organizational Behavioral Psychology with a background in Autism, Mental Health, Business Psychology. Sales Management
Dear Daddy...I need to say good-bye
This letter is to say good-bye; because I need a sense of closure.
I do have fond memories and the fun we had together; I thank you for those memories. However; there was so much dysfunction and I only knew these as i became an adult.
You made me change my reality; the person I was, to be respectable.
I grew up embarrassed of who I was because you constantly pushed me into a mold that you approved of.
I never knew who I was, only what you expected me to be.
This crossed over to many aspects of my life and I became someone you’d be proud of in any scenario; but never developed my own identity.
You would make me believe that I was going to always be your pride and joy.
Though, I was afraid to fail you.
I was afraid to accidentally let my real self surface.
I was afraid to not be everything you wanted me to be.
When I struggled with things going on behind closed doors; you made me believe that you were never at fault. That what happened at home stayed at home.
When I finally was pulling against things I began to see was not how other families lived; and I’d tell someone.
To confide in someone; you’d make me believe that my memory wasn’t accurate. That it was me. Or someone else.
It wasn’t until I confronted you when I was an adult with kids; that your image is All you cared about.
That I tarnished your last name.
By speaking out the truth finally; you disowned me saying I tried to destroy you.
You did allow me things like sleep overs and running around outside; but that weight of raising my brother was smothering the young kid in me.
The level of responsibility was Beyond contributing to the family; it was doing the parents job.
Your feelings are all that always mattered.
You’d manipúlate my emotions through quilting and shaming.
You’d send me mixed messages and when you'd say you loved me it was always followed by a “but...”
I felt like I always needed your approval. I’d try to talk to you and unless it was convenient to you or a topic you wanted to discuss; you’d dismiss me.
This remained through my adult years and i learned to just avoid any need to interrupt your newspaper or football game.
You repressed any display of real emotion.
You taught me only fake happiness or anger.
It was impossible to learn and develop how to display emotions normally because you never taught me. You trained me to look like i was incapable of emotions. In reality I struggled so much later; because I finally let myself feel and couldn’t handle what emotions feel like.
When I would want to tell you what I wanted to be when I grew up; you would make me feel like I couldn’t be whatever i wanted to be.
When I wanted to be a lawyer; you wouldn’t invest in helping me through college because i wasn’t smart enough so that wasn’t an investment you’d make.
When I tried out for varsity cheerleading; you told me not to expect to make it.
Unless I was perfect; you’d tell me I was lazy or j wasn’t trying hard enough.
Took me years to realize I would have been a great lawyer; that I was far smarter than you let me think I was.
I wasn’t lazy; I had learning issues.
I wasn’t being bad; I was ADHD.
I was not allowed to make mistakes in my life.
If I made a mistake; you never let me hear the end if it and you began to define me as that mistake.
Til It Happens To You: By Lady Gaga
You created a golden child syndrome within my sibling dynamics. While I was being made into what you wanted; my siblings were told to live up to standards they never could.
You created this resentment towards me; because they weren’t me.
Than decades later; as I decided to live my way, you did this with us and made my brother the Target.
You shaped him the way you had me; but, he let you and no longer had need for me.
You labeled me the brilliant and talented one; than it was my brother.
No matter that I was more talented in music or that my grades always surpassed his, due to my breaking away from your grasp, I no longer meant nothing to you.
Where i broke away and my ego didn’t inflate; you turned my brother into this person with an inflated ego and sense of self. He became arrogant and praised for great things he hasn’t done.
The Golden Child became resented by siblings. You sabotaged my sibling relationships than you did so to my brother. I don’t need your Golden future. I was never going to be what you wanted me to be. In reality?
I’m a shit storm survivor.
Family Portrait: By Pink
Broken Girl: By Matthew West
You forced us to take roles.
- 1. The Golden Child: Me than 30 years later my brother. The one that will do anything to please you. To get your love. The one that will excel at whatever it is you value. Than I grew up, not knowing what I wanted so I found it and you disown me. My brother became a narcissist .
- 2. Scapegoat: My sister and now me thirty years later. You blamed everything and accused of everything. Ostracized By you. Blamed by you. My sister finally got out if that role hating me as the once Golden child; and gave this role to me I live now.
You created roles to divide us. To fight. Creating hostility and separating and making us compete for your love. You still do it. You make jokes and you don’t encourage us to be a United front. Because that keeps you in power.
- 3. The Invisible: My younger sister than my other sister. You don’t care enough to use them.
I won’t let you anymore utilize me for the roles you need me to play. I broke away. But you made me this evil being and sabotaged my family and my siblings yet i still hope you say you are proud of me
The lasting effects of the damage you did to me Is more than any daughter should endure; just because she decided she wanted to live life on her own terms and not constantly afraid to disappoint her father.
- Your words spoken; no matter how far in the past, are an invisible dagger that cuts so deep it never truly heals
- You never let anyone see exactly how abusive you could be; yet, it was wrapped so tightly as a strict father no one would have seen it anyway.
- Your cool dismissive indifference grew into a life of constant anxiousness an unease. Constantly assuming I did something wrong. That punishment was acting like I was not there or I wasn’t worth the time.
- Over the years i cant say I lost myself because you made it forbidden to find her in the first place. During identity development you told me who I was and who I could be. I struggled for two decades on who I was and i didn’t have a true identity. I was a chameleon and my personality just adapted to what i should be.
- The expectations you set; I’d achieve so you set more snd more and in the end it was impossible. no matter how hard I tried I could never reach your level of expectations and I went from achieving anything I tried to failing or quitting everything my adult life. I had no self confidence and I was afraid if I tried I’d fail. So I stopped trying.
- i lost my self-worth and i didnt strive for raising the bar and instead ID settle.
- I let men tear me down. I allowed the things you said and did to me, be done by them. I have been abused in every form and believe it’s all I was worth.
- You made me hate myself.
- I lived half drowning.
- I finally became successful and you ignored me for five years. I became an addict of pills and alcohol to deal with my self hatred.
- You made me fear abandonment and I self sabotaged
- You made the family believe your lies about me and now lost my siblings. I believe that if I died you’d be happier.
- You made me unable to handle criticism and you made me afraid to have emotion.
You made me ashamed and it’s your words that turned me towards a life of cutting to relieve the pain. The abuse i allowed.
My scars will never heal but I do realize I am everything you wanted me to be but I did it in my own and I did it on my terms and I when I knew it’s you what I wanted to do it. At least I know who I am now.
Fact is you fucked with my head; making me crazy.
The lack of calls and limited texts; designed only to hurt me and gain control of the only thing you have power over, the ache of losing my father. One I had once called my hero.
All the years gone by and you act like you still don’t have a clue. You screwed up my head, i ended up needing help and wondering why you don’t love me.
You ruined my life; at least until I let you go.
Those scars you left, though you don’t care, will never go away...but they will fade.
You made me believe that no one could ever truly love me for who I really am. You made me embarrassed of the person I was born destined to be. I believed that I didn’t deserve what I once thought I would have.
The men i let hurt me? You said I drive men to do it; made it what I expected to get. That nothing was good about me and easy to forget.
You hate me so much; why is it you actually do? What did any of my life choices or mistakes affected you? Do you think it’s up to you? That you can choose you can come back?
My heart breaks more though; you are older and frailer now...divorced and alone with kids that have raised their own family. I should thank karma that you are alone as you deserve to be. That you got what you deserve.
I don’t want to be your Golden one and I don’t want to be in your life as the invisible one. I don’t want to be in it at all. But don’t tell yourself; as you sit there alone watching T.V. that you were such a great dad.
Those days that made you my hero, will never be replaced. But you shouldn’t have had more children, and turn into a narcissistic disgrace. You may not want to admit I am your daughter; but that is who I am. When the day comes you are gone, and you look down on your kids. I’m the one that won’t be fighting over any money, nothing will i want from a will, i will be the one truly grieving and sadly you will finally see too late, that I’m the genuine child that you never got to know.
If you truly knew how instead of being there the way I needed; that you were the first one to break me...would you change anything?
It is too late to make it up to me and too many Years gone by to discuss. I am not expecting a thing to change but I don’t need a word said if you came forward. I don’t hate you and I don’t wish you harm and I love you for the good you were to me.
But my whole life you just wasted and I spent way too many years trying to figure out why you don’t love me.
So, I am done trying.
I am done feeling hurt in my heart.
No longer will I let your voice haunt my mind of why I’m not good enough.
Those Years I realized were not my fault.
My choices and mistakes didn’t turn me into the sociopath you claim I am.
The rough times and the hardships didn’t characterize what’s in my soul.
I am more than I let myself realize but that is no longer weight I bear.
I am pretty amazing and I have experienced so much of life; my heart can’t harden in hate and I don’t fear being the me I found.
You will need to face your own blame and all that was your fault. If you one day so please know; that I forgave you years ago.
I will never be normal after decades of that torment. It’s hard to process my feelings and there are days I struggle to remember that I’m beautiful in my heart because you hurt me so.
I still can’t love and truly trust. Maybe I never will.
No longer will I carry memories of hate and pain.
But to love myself truly; I need to say good-bye.
My Lasting Scar and Damage My Father Gifted Me
I am a shit-storm survivor dad.
I will no longer be a victim of the gaslight, i finally learned all the tricks you use to control me.
I used to think I was crazy; now I know that it’s you that’s not sane. Not the sane that hurt their children.
You can no longer blame me because I truly don’t care. You can’t make me cry because you intentionally aren’t there. You can’t bring me down because I can’t go any lower than you have done to me before.
All that it did in the end is teach me; you raised a daughter who is stronger than most and can get back together on her own and stronger than before.
I slowly woke up from that nightmare; the one I did anything to please you. I am no longer in denial that there’s something wrong with you. You taught me to not be loud and talkative so now that’s all I do. You trained me to only respond direct and non-emotional and if not asked to shut my mouth. My opinions better mirror yours or I’d regret i said them out loud. After dodging flying forks for disagreeing about things so stupid like I voted Obama and you wñildnt Let me speak?
Now I'm always speaking up my thoughts on things and I will debate my point and be heard. Yet I preach that we all need to be respectful and open minded to others views. I realized by trying to shut me up and make me think like you. That you made me a smart and outspoken woman who won’t allow anyone to treat someone like i was treated by you.
The yelling and screaming when you thought I was in bed; the fights that never did stop. The mom you abused than my step mom so verbally made me stand up if I see others that are victims of it too. You may have fucked me up so bad I let any man mistreat me I was with. I never would stand for it though with others and made sure they were worth more.
I learned to accept my fate and not cry over being a victim of many forms if abuse. I wouldn’t stay quiet and take it one day; so I knew i had had enough. My anger is gone and I don’t blame myself. It’s not worth becoming bitter or hateful; I’d just end up like you. I won’t compromise any longer and I won’t live feeling numb and faking a smile even one more Day.
You can’t trap me with your chains, you have resorted to telling lies. You have lost all power over me; and you are not a hero in my eyes Like years ago. I will not let your twisted games of seek and destroy define me.
You look like the sociopath now; not me.
Sad part is I still love you dad and wish you the best. One day God will show you your mistake.
Child Of A Narcissist Parent
© 2021 Abigayle Malchow-Rourk