Narcissistic personality disorder is defined as a mental condition where one has an inflated sense of their own importance along with a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, with troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.
Emotional Hoarders are currently defined in a rather pathetic manner as one who stockpiles every traumatic memory, slight, embarrassment, and heartbreak, past and present, only to live with the burden of each one every day.
In my opinion, having encountered such people, the Narcissistic definition is more applicable.
Here is someone who 'stockpiles' every slight. These 'slights' are the Hoarder's version of events.
The Hoarder accepts no other version because he felt hurt. Because he felt hurt his version has to be correct.
The Hoarder defines reality as to how he feels about events. How he feels will never change. He holds his slight forever.
Attempts to explain, justify, reconcile fail. He felt hurt, he will always feel hurt, hence no other version has significance.
This inability to see other sides, to even recognise the existence of other points of view ... does not this sound like a Narcissist?
When one encounters an Emotional Hoarder, a sense of pity, compassion, is ignited.
One is drowned in a tsunami of the Hoarder's pain and accusations, so as to feel guilty.
An event that occurred forty years ago is dredged and dumped and the fact that absolutely nothing can be done about it might be a stray question, for one might be overwhelmed by the terrific effect of the event had and has on the Hoarder.
One may feel extremely guilty, might seek some kind of dispensation, forgiveness, if they do not have the fortitude to question the fact; "Why has he held this 'anguish' for so many years?"
Especially when the event is rather trivial or meaningless and ought have been forgotten within hours after it occurred?
The average Narcissist need to exercise control. Need to prove his superiority. He needs to crush others so as to stand upon them.
It is easy to see this with a Boss from Hell or some other dominant individual.
It is not easy to see this when one is dealing with the so-called 'Emotional Hoarder'.
The portrayal of the pitiful hurt puppy is done by the Hoarder to lure you into a sense of strength. To make you feel you have the upper hand and he was squashed by your actions.
In truth, the Hoarder is playing a role designed to bring you into a rubbish pile of guilt and pain so that he can hold the 'forgiveness' chalice. He is the one with the power to 'absolve' your sins.
He has whined about so slight forty years ago which you have explained and see no further need to discuss. He does not accept your explanation and demands further and better particulars.
You don't have anything beyond your explanation. You have told him the facts, the reason, given him your position at the time, (if you even remember it).
Despite having gone through a meaningless event of forty years ago, he refuses to reconcile, and brings it up again and again.
Every 'slight' you ever paid him during his life time will be repeated again and again with the aim of destroying you. Destroying you because you offend his sense of superiority.
You hurt him, how dare you hurt HIM? How dare you live your life, have your own successes, joys, when you should be howling at his feet!
Does this not sound like a Narcissist trying to exercise control?
The Emotional Hoarder is not suffering with his stockpile of hurts, he has weaponised them. He has made them into missiles he will fire at you to destroy your sense of well being, your sense of self.
Many of the 'slights' he was paid were due to the fact others didn't notice him. He played no part in their decision.
This is what he is so offended and hurt about. Is that someone, twenty years ago, could have gone to a football match and didn't ask him 'permission'.
Every attack on another by the Hoarder is done to elevate his sense of control and power. It is not that he is 'suffering' these slights, he is, as any Narcissist, angry that you did not put him first in your life.
He 'stockpiles' these hurts for the purpose of using them against others.
If he kept them to himself, suffered in silence, and only his therapist knew he was an Emotional Hoarder, then one could grasp his feelings of hurt and pain.
But when he confronts and attacks with his arsenal of 'heartbreak', he is not doing it for reconciliation, nor explanation, he is doing it, as any Narcissist does, to hurt others and demean them.