Emotional Hoarders don't care about anyone but themselves. No matter how they use words, or act compassionate, even if they seem to reach out, their entire lives are 'Me'.
This needs to be fully grasped.
Reality for the Emotional Hoarder is how they feel. No one is entitled to feelings, or a different view.
They can be parents and use the children as 'me' extensions as long as they are young enough, malleable enough to conform.
When the child shows independence, or makes a choice that the Hoarder objects to, they will be flung onto the ever growing list of persons the Hoarder has grudges against.
And the list is long.
An Emotional Hoarder needs everyone to apologise to him for what they did ten, twenty, forty years ago.
And not just once.
One can go through a tsunami of revelations, explanations, and assume the event is done and dusted.
Months later the Emotional Hoarder will repeat the 'offenses' demanding another set of explanations, apologies, and the begging of forgiveness.
Most people don't see a reason to beg forgiveness.
What they did then, based on the information they had then, how they felt then, is nothing to be forgiven.
When dealing with an Emotional Hoarder one must comprehend that he will NEVER let go of the Past.
He will NEVER comprehend or make any kind of bridge.
He must always make those he feels slighted him the targets of his attack. His purpose is to make them feel unworthy to live.
Every ounce of his being will be directed at this endeavour.
This is not an exaggeration. This is the reality of an Emotional Hoarder.
A normal person, twisting to see the Hoarder's side, to get his view of an event that happened thirty years ago, will plunge into a horrible maelstrom.
If they don't recall the events, if they are easily manipulated, they will be made to feel suicidal for being so 'evil'.
If they don't feel guilty, if they don't regret, should they force themselves to feel guilty, to regret, so as to satisfy the Hoarder?
Some, thinking that they can form a bridge, that they can leave the past in the past by conforming to the Hoarder's view may apologise, may adcept the blame and guilt.
They will do it once. Do it and assume it is over.
A month of normality, maybe even six months, and then, the Hoarder brings it up again. Brings it up and demands further apologies and another performance of begging forgiveness.
Few people being confronted by issues of the past which they believed were settled are willing to destroy their peace, their balance to go through another performance to please the Emotional Hoarder.
It is better on every front, to walk away.
The Emotional Hoarder wants everyone in his ambit to take the knee and beg forgiveness.
And not just once.
Over and over and over again, because nothing is ever solved. Nothing is ever resolved. The grudge he held when he didn't have that birthday party when he was 8 with NEVER be eradicated.
Apologies, explanations, repeated over and over again are temporary fixes. And when one realises that, they back away.
The Emotional Hoarder doesn't care if he loses contact with his parents, siblings, friends, because being able to hold that grudge is priceless to him.
Normal people, feeling the abominable blanket being tosses over them by the Emotional Hoarder make the decision to escape.
They have tried, and tried again to explain, to soothe, but there is no value in destroying their peace of mind or their lives to get a momentary 'pass' from the Hoarder who will, in a month, six month, want to do the performance again.
Emotional Hoarders take pleasure out of trying to destroy the equilibrium of other people. To taint their triumphs, disparage their happiness, to make them suffer guilt over something done forty years ago.
The purpose is to erode everyone to his level.
If anyone in your life is an Emotional Hoarder, cut them out.
There will never be a reconciliation, any shade of a normal relationship. It will always be a period of calm, of amicability, and then, up comes the vomit of the past, the demands for more apologies, more begs for forgiveness, etc.
The Emotional Hoarder lives in the past and will carry every grudge to his grave.