An Unacknowledged Hurt
I am a 28 year old girl that lost her 29 year old brother very suddenly in a rather freak accident. Through my grieving process, I have discovered that there aren’t a lot of books written nor are there as many support groups out there to help people who are struggling with the loss of a sibling. I have actually found more support for people who are grieving the loss of a pet, than I have for people who have lost a brother or a sister. This isn’t to say that there aren’t some good materials out there, but there is not nearly enough in my opinion.
Why is that? I often ask myself this question. Is the relationship between siblings taken for granted? Does society feel that the majority of parents live for their children, so naturally they would be devastated, but most siblings move on in time and start families of their own? What about the siblings that haven’t done that yet? What about the ones whose main family life still centered around the brother or sister that is now gone? Why isn’t there more help out there for them?
The number one question I get asked above all others is, how are your parent’s doing? I don’t resent this question, as I am fully aware that losing a child is horrific, but what I don’t understand is why losing a brother or a sister doesn’t rank equally as high on that scale? As silly as it is, sometimes I actually think I have it worse than my parents. I justify in my head that if things follow Mother Nature’s original design, then they have a lot less time to wait to be reunited with him. My brother is someone that I have never known to not be a part of my life, since the day I was born. My parents on the other hand already lived a couple of decades without him. I, however, am forced to come to terms with the fact that although I had 28 years with him, I may very easily be facing living twice that long without him. It is very hard for a 28 year old to comprehend the concept of time. To me, that feels like forever. Another observation I have is that people often tell me that I need to be strong for my parents. Again, I don’t disagree with this. I know they are suffering tremendously right now, but the statement makes me wonder if people don’t really get how much I am suffering too. The change happened so quickly that I didn’t recognize the point in all of this when our roles switched places. My parents had always taken care of me, but for all intents and purposes, it appeared to me that it was now my job to take care of them. I gladly assume this responsibility. However, I wish people knew the internal struggle a sibling feels when losing one of their own. For me, he wasn’t just my brother, he was my friend. He was arguably my best friend. He knew me better than anyone else ever did or possibly ever could. To add fuel to the fire, the agony you feel over losing such a constant in your life is only compounded when you realize the only other constant you have ever known is gone as well. For many of us, throughout every major disappointment, tragedy and heartache, it is typically our parents that we turn to. Only this time, in our greatest hour of need, they can’t help us. They are so emotionally crushed, that they can barely help themselves.
I am not writing this to be selfish or to underestimate the grief that parent’s go through when having to deal with a tragedy this severe. I am only writing this to bring light to a hurt that is perhaps not acknowledged quite as often as it should be. I know there is nothing in the world that anyone can say or do to take our pain away, but sometimes it is nice to feel like people at least understand. Therefore, if there is ever a time in your life that you come in contact with a person like me, although it is very appropriate to ask about the parents, take a moment to ask how they are doing as well.
Alex Elia on March 28, 2017:
On 14/09/2017 I lost my 62 year old big brother, my best friend. We shared a deep love that I have with no other. I am broken and torn, I cry ever day and see no future joy dispite the fact that I have a lovely wife, daughter and 3 grand children. I also have a beautiful sister and 2 other brothers. My mother is alive and I have 54 first cousins. I have a loving massive cypriot family and many beautiful friends but I feel cheated and feel I should be with him. He was everything to me, we would die for eachother. I can see no way out of this hurt, its in gods hands. Thank you for sharing and making me realise I am not alone. Reading your story is very moving, losing a sibling is shocking, we share the pain, lets bind it together with a love that keeps the light shining. Than you X
Hurtingsis on April 21, 2015:
I know you wrote this quite some time ago, but I just wanted to say thank you and that I am so very sorry for your loss. It's comforting knowing that others are experiencing the same feelings that I am after suddenly losing my younger brother of 34 last month.
I lost my mom to cancer in 2006 when she was just 52 years old, so needless to say I've experienced pain and suffering before, and to be honsest I've still not yet come to terms with the death of my mom, and now I'm faced with overcoming the pain of losing my baby brother.
My brother had been addicted to heroin from the young age of 17 or 18. He had so much going for him growing up. He was handsome, funny, and charismatic. He always had a beautiful girlfriend on his arm and was extremely popular. He loved sports and was a natural at baseball, football, and hockey. He seemingly had it all, until he one day decided to shoot up heroin and never recovered from drug addiction. I can imagine that much of his heroin use was due to the pain and depression he suffered from when my mom was diagnosed with cancer at a young age, as he was only 16 when she was diagnosed and 25 when she passed.
My brother lied, cheated, and stole to get through life. He routinely stole valuables from my family to get money to achieve his next high. As a drug addict he didn't care who he hurt. Ultimately, my dad kicked him out of the house after many failed attempts at getting him help. We as a family, have learned over the years that you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. I was told he would have to hot rock bottom to finally admit he had a problem and take the steps to get clean for good. If overdosing and almost dying multiple times isn't rock bottom, than I don't know what is. My brother spent many a day in jail and each time he came out he relapsed. Well, last month, he got out of jail and from what I heard went on a four day crack binge. He got arrested again after a violent altercation at our family home and ended up dying the next day in custody of police. My family and I don't know how he died, which makes it more difficult to greive. Did he die from injuries sustained during the altercation or in the holding cell at the police station, or was it an overdose?
I am beside myself, as over the years I wrote my brother off due to the stresses in my life. I often didn't answer his phone calls because he liked to rant to me how everyone treated him badly , which is true in retrospect. I've been listening to messages from him that I'd never heard before, in which he told me about almost dying and how no one cared. Funny, because he is the one that ultimately didn't care, yet I have so much guilt. I wish I could have helped him more. I love my brother so much and wish things turned out differentl. I have a toddler son that will never know his uncle or his Nana that passed. The only comfort I have is knowing that my brother is now with our mom whom he missed so much.
Johna570 on August 04, 2014:
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Cynthia on July 23, 2014:
I would like to begin with saying I am truly sorry for all your losses. I have been looking over this page for over about a month now and have finally found the strength to share my story for it is very difficult for me to write this down because it makes my brothers death that much more real. I too lost my older brother at the young age of 28 to a tragic event. He passed away June 5, 2014 after spending a couple of days on life support when we as a family had to make the hardest decision ever to withdraw the life support after he developed life threatening illnesses and the doctors explained he had less than 1% chance of survival. I find the lack of literature on grieving for the loss of a sibling unfortunatel but have found some comfort in this website so I am thankful for this. I think about my brother multiple times a day and try and remember all the good times we've shared together growing up but it hurts soo much that sometimes I find myself losing track of time crying. I wonder how I'm supposed to move on and live my life when he's forever gone. It hurts to know he will no longer be present at any family events and I will never again be able to hug him and tell him how much I love him. It tears me apart thinking that my niece, his 7 year old daughter, will have limited memories about him since she is still so young and he will won't be around to see her blossom into a beautiful women or walk her down the isle one day. I pray she will always remember how her father had the biggest heart and loved her soo very much. She was and forever will be his heart and soul. The only thing keeping me from falling apart at this time is my wondering family and friends which I am soo greatful for. My only hope is that my brother is now in a happier place and at peace. I like to believe he is watching down upon us all. Always loved and never forgotten, to my lovely big bro ❤️
Bella on July 13, 2014:
I've heard tragic stories of other people losing family members but never thought it could happen to me! The pain is unbearable , I sat next to his bed for 2 hours looking at him and can't get the picture out of my head! My parents are old and broken and look to me for strength bug I can't bare seeing their grief! I feel our lives are ruined forever! I hav 4 children and they expect life to be normal . How can it ever be?
Bultun on July 13, 2014:
I had undergone the same experiance . I lost my brother , on first of March 2010 and he was 29 year old in an accident. I had often asked myself the question why me? why our family. I had been 5 years hence but I still have not got over it. My life goes on but I feel no zeal. The family is shattered. Its very hard to go on. It is very hard
Bella on July 08, 2014:
Sending love, hugs and strength to you all to get us through our darkest days!
My bro, my best friend, more like my twin we were 2 peas in a pod has been taken. 26th June, found dead in his bed aged 39! We were sat havin a cuppa in my garden the day before! Nothing wrong with him atall! App was his heart but he's taken mine with him! Am laid on the sofa and just don't want to get up! I have written his whole funeral and sorted everything, coroner. Arrangements etc.... Went to see him Friday and laid a red rose on his chest but I was the closest to him in the world, we had our own language, private jokes! How do we go on?? I've lost all my strength! Xx
Jean on June 30, 2014:
July 1, 2014
I would value your comment. My son was exactly 2 months old when he died. thirteen months later I had another child and we were not ready to deal with another child. My daughter is 42 now and seems to carry a lot of hate in her heart for me. I never hardly talked about the loss, but of course I was reeling from the loss. I took care of our child, but still I think it took a toll on her even though she didn't know him.
Adan on June 02, 2014:
Why him, why us? thats what i ask myself every time i think of my brother. I am 18 year old guy. I have 5 sisters, and no brother now. He was barely 26, his name was Jesus and was barely coming home from work. A distracted driver shifted on into his lane and they crashed almost head on. Except that my brother died instantly, and the other driver(21 yr old male) suffered minor injuries. I remember that afternoon perfectlly, i came home from the store to find a police car parked outside my house. I didnt think much of it, until i walked through the door and saw my 2 little sisters crying next to my dad. There was a police man and the coroner standing there staring at me. I knew something was terribly wrong. The police told me that my brother had just died an hour ago in a car accident. i did not cry, i was just standing there. It was like if this was all a dream, but after a while it hit me that he was actually dead. I had to call my 3 older sisters and my mom to come home from work immediatly. They cried for hours and hours and i didnt know what to do. People and close relatives found out and came to visit but that did not help.
Days later we went to the funeral home to see him. It was then when i actually felt worse. He was actually dead! My only brother is dead i thought! He taught me most of the things i know. He was more than my best friend, he was like my support. Everything i did i always consulted with him, and he would help me out. He knew my worst secrets and i knew his. This is the first time anything like this has happened to our family. He had just gotten a better job that paid well and said we will go to Cabos San Lucas one day. That day will never come i guess. I feel lonely without him, and i start to wonder where he is? What he's doing right now? Is he in heaven? Does he know we are suffering?
And i ask god, why him? He was the nicest guy there ever was. The most hardworking, thats what his employers have said. He did no harm to others. To make things worse, he was a dad! He has 2 beautiful little girls, they are 8 months and 3 years. He died on monday may 12 and he was about to baptize his smallest girl that saturday. I feel so bad for him, but more for his wife and my 2 nieces that will grow up without a dad.
Every time i remember all the things he and i did together my eyes get watery. I feel lonely without him. I know that it is my responsiblity to take care of his 2 baby girls. I know that i have to be the one that keeps the family strong. Thats what he would want me to do. He was so young, and he had so many dreams he wanted to fulfill.
Its been 3 weeks now, and there is no hour of the day that i dont think of him. I miss him so much! I dont care if i die this instant, because i know i will be reunited with him again. But i know i have a whole life ahead, and will be starting college soon. I will do my best just like he would have wanted me to. I know he's in a better place now. Rest in peace, brother. One day we will reunite, just hoping not any time soon. (;
Ashley Case on May 29, 2014:
I'm so thankful I found this page. I know exactly what all of you are going through. I lost my brother Aug.19th last year when he was murdered trying to save people. He was only 20 years old and this happened 2 weeks before his 21st. Nine months later and I still don't know how to go on. Most of my family and friends tell me that this is to long to grieve, but how do you not grieve someone you helped raise and was a constant part of your life. The week it happened I was supposed to be in town for the week, had I been I don't think this would have happened so not only do I have the grief I have the guilt as well. Thankfully my parents are healing and doing well on their own, but since I am not living close to my family I don't have many people to turn to. I still cry most days, people say time heals, but to me it seems like time makes it worse. Like the poster said if Mother Nature has her way I have to be without my brother for another 50 years. That's along time to be without your best friend. I myself have not been able to find support groups for this particular loss, and a shrink isn't much help either. So then you are left wondering why you are the only one still grieving like this, are you crazy? Should you be better now? How come everyone thinks you should not be this sad after 9 months? To all those who ask me that question I ask them this: " Have you ever seen your brother dead?" This is the first page where I actually see that others have been in my shoes and what I feel isn't wrong. Maybe after all the court hearings and some justice is served I might feel a bit better but for now there's just a void in a heart that used to be so full of love and happiness. When that man killed my brother, he took a piece of all of his siblings with him.
Niki on May 24, 2014:
First I would like to say I'm sorry for all of your losses. My prayers are with you all. I lost my sister April 18, 2014( Good Friday) she was 34 and left behind a 15 yr old son. It's just me now I have no other biological siblings. There was a tragic car accident and then the ambulance transporting her was in another accident. Unfortunately my family was not notified for nearly 4 hrs while they kept her heart eating long enough for us to say goodbye. This pain that I feel in my heart is unbearable. I'm left to try and take care of my parents. I have a husband and family of my own that I feel like I'm not present in. I try to fake a smile to keep them from being as sad. All the while I feel confused and dead inside. I also just lost my grandpa and Tuesday is his funeral. I can't take much more I'm broken and from all your comments I guess I'll always feel that way. It's so unfair people say you have to keep going move on stop torturing yourself with pics and music! I hate when they say that, it's been a month my only sibling my best friend she is dead. They don't know what that feels like. They don't know the constant pain. I feel like I'm crazy because I just can't stop thinking about it EVER it consumes me. I watch a show that was one of our favorites and I cry because we can't discuss it. I don't know. Anyways I'm rambling. Thanks again for this post I don't feel so alone now.
Matthew M on May 18, 2014:
Thanks for this article and the comments. I just got back from my younger brothers funeral, I am 36 and he is 3 years younger than me. Just 5 days ago we received news from the police that hey found his body, and there was no indication of how he died.
Even though I have my own family with a wonderful wife and beautiful newborn, I feel totally shattered and broken. I feel very helpless as there is nothing I can do to bring him back.
My thought was that it would be much harder for parents, but this post along with my current feelings has helped me to realize just how hard it can be for the siblings.
This is all very new to me, as this just happened now. But I am talking to my wife, and staying in close contact with my other siblings. It seems almost impossible to imagine things will get better, but they will. I also believe that God heals and knows what we go through, and taking time to be by myself, think about my lost brother and talk to God helps. If my wife finds me crying, we have a process setup.
1. Gets me tissues
2. Glass of water
3. Panadol (if required)
And yes, in that order!
I find myself constantly thinking about my siblings as they are also going through this, and I feel very helpless. But once again, I just have to trust God, and believe that this devestating experience can also bring a new depth into my life experience and make me a more understanding and caring person.
If you've lost someone, hang in, talk to people closest to you and let them know what helps you and what really doesn't help... in a way of things they may say or do. As for professional help, there are people that both care and are qualified to help in these situations, so don't rule that out. And finally, my prayers go out to you and know you are not alone. Love you and may God bless you dearly.
nlight on May 09, 2014:
I lost my older brother, and only sibling, on Christmas day, 2011. I still remember the moment my father called me... "Nick, your brother just passed away."
"ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?!"
"Yes, get on the next plane and come home." It was the first Christmas I'd decided not to come home. It's still a decision I wish I could change. Maybe if I had been home he wouldn't have overdosed.
I was 22, he was 28. 5 1/2 years apart to the day. That was one of the things we always used to say. But I'm starting to catch up to him now. I just turned 25 and I'm feeling lost. Normally I would call Matt and ask for some advice, but that's not really an option.
I suppose the hardest part of all of this is the immense, crushing loneliness. Sure, it wanes and waxes often times not manifesting itself in any aggressive way. Then it'll hit and floor me for days or weeks. In the wake of that resurfaced memory everything becomes meaningless. Projects and goals I've spent months building towards become place keepers, things to occupy my thoughts so I may ignore the ever present truth. My brother is dead, my family is in shambles, and my life is mired by the constant struggle to manifest meaning where I see none.
He was a genius, literally. He had some special MENSA classification that put him in the top 1%. He also retired after running a business for 10 years that he sold at age 25. I used to look up to him and try to figure out how I could get to his level. But he was unhappy, and I can't figure out why. It bugs me everyday. I've tried to get as much information as I can from his friends and I just can't see it. He was young, successful, good looking, intelligent, and one of the funniest people I've ever known.
Now I can't help but think, if my brother, who had the world in his hands, could fall victim to drugs... what chance do I have? The only distinct advantage I now have over him, I saw how he died. The environment he created that led to his demise. Oh how I wish I didn't have that advantage. Oh how I wish I could tell him how much I love him, and how the world seems empty without him here.
What I wouldn't give for one more round of beer pong.
Anyways, thanks for letting me vent. The pain of loss never truly goes away, this much I've learned. But it's comforting to know there are others out there who have felt this kind of hurt. And while I'll truly never know anyone else's pain, I can empathize with the gravity of all your losses.
Thanks for the venue.
email@example.com on March 01, 2014:
I feel so bad. for the sibling, I am a parent lossed beatiful. 20yr old great son, u are right people do forget outside parents..I have 3 other sons, that were older, they are a mess please if u neeD talk email
CRClark on January 29, 2014:
Nothing Compares 2 U- Sinead OConnor
Love Me Still the Same- Enya
This Used To Be My Playground- Madonna
Heart Will Go On- Celine Dion
CRClark on January 29, 2014:
Other songs that help express grief:
Not Even the Trees - Hootie and the Blowfish
Angel Standing By- Jewel
Silent Lucidity- Queensryche
I miss you (Like the Deserts Miss the Rain)-
Vanishing- Mariah Carey
I, too, lost my only full sibling , he was just a year older than I. I, too, felt someone had removed a limb/leg--as like many of you have mentioned, it is immeasurably and indescribably painful to lose hour life long first "other half" unexpectedly and before their time. Probably the same for folks losing a close sibling who has a ling-term illness and/or in their advanced years. No one will ever truly kniw you as well and thoroughly, nor will have had shared so many of your formative year memories in the same context as a sinling. In my case, I also will never know if my brother's death was a suicide or a freak accident (or once the ambulance arrived and rushed him to the ER, it was in a head-on collission that totalled the other car and hence the transport was halted for a long while before resuming.). That adds to the pain. We were young -I was 22 and he was 23- and were roommates at the time. I also beat myself up because we had had a disagreement that day and then I went off to classes and when I got home, I got the phone call. I used to wake up in the middle of the night from a dream that he was pounding on the door to get in and I would rush to the door- completely convinced it was real. Somehow , for about a month after he passed away, I had all this electricity coming from my body and would shock everyone/everything I touched. There is still a huge hole that no one can fill. I have so much to be thankful for- I had a child less than 1 year later and since had 2 more; a husband and a strong support network. I also have God and prayer to help when I have too much pain. I agree it is hardest because my mom is going through so much pain and neither of us have ever known how to really be there for the other because it is such a gaping painful wound. It is almost too scary or too much to try and open up about him. It is great to see a forum like tgis where folks can share their pain with others who truly understand. It is such a rare but life and everything changing event that truly shakes us affected to the very core. God bless you all and I pray for your days to get more bearable. It does happen but like someone else posted , yoj will never, ever get over it. You will see someone who reminds you of them, hear a song , see a photo or be pummelled by a birth or deathdate. Just express your grief, reach out to loved ones, pray and know you will have peaceful moments amid the crushing tsunami waves of grief and pain. And one day, there will be more peace and smiles than there are tears and heartache. It definitely takes awhile and you will always carry a broken heart missing a very important piece. I named my sons after different things re my lost brother. Little things like that, writing letters to them/keeping a journal/ watching old family videos, etc. can help, as well- but be prepared when you do as sometimes those bring on more waves of shockingly raw emotion. my email if anyone needs help is firstname.lastname@example.org
LaurenT on January 19, 2014:
We have started this group on Facebook for sibling loss. Please join.
sorrowunknown on November 16, 2013:
I have just gone past the 1 year mark and heaven only knows how. I have found some comfort in a book called the afterlife of Billy Fingers by Dr Annie Kagan. It's about her brother contacting her from the other side and telling her how incredible his journey is. It doesn't lessen the daily pain from missing my brother but it does make you question many many things and as much as no one can really prove the afterlife there isn't anything that can "disprove" it either. This does bring some hope and comfort. Google it for a free 1st chapter. From the moment I lost my brother on 08 November last year I just have the strongest drive and need to find out where he is and if he's ok. I have read so many books articles etc but found this to be most credible even non believers may enjoy this as it's not tied to any relegion as such. Once again thanks to all for sharing their thoughts and wisdom as this journey is a very long and lonely road.
Suzy on November 13, 2013:
Anonymous right above me, I honestly don't know. I lost my brother back on August 26th of this year and he was only 24, I'm 19. Everyday I wonder where he is and what he's doing. In my heart I want to believe that he's safe and he's happy even though I'm still here feeling miserable and unable to really understand what the heck is happening in my life. I really wish there was some way I could know for sure, maybe that way it all might hurt a little less. I don't know about you, but I feel guilty being here while he isn't. I tell people that and they just don't understand. Hang in there, and just try to imagine him in a place much better than the one we are in now.
Anonymous on October 24, 2013:
My brother was 17 when he died, I was 15. He was my only sibling and he was diagnosed with cancer 2 years before he died. I saw him every day knowing that he was going to die soon. When he died I felt extreme sadness, but now (3 years later) I find myself obsessed with the thought of where he ended up. Many people believe in an afterlife, I do as well. But what I believe is messed up. I believe that my brother is scared and alone somewhere. I believe that the only way for him to be saved is for me to be with him. I'm a very logical person and I KNOW that what I believe is ridiculous; that it CAN'T be true that my brother is scared and alone somewhere. But no matter how I think through things I just can't stop myself from believing it. I'm interested in knowing what other people who have lost siblings at a young age think about where their siblings are right now. Whether they are somewhere in an afterlife, or not.
Robert from Estonia on October 24, 2013:
I´ve lost my brother! he was 13 year young boy. He was breathing trough the lungs the gas which is intended to comply with lighter and as a result, he lost consciousness and his brain died! he was with friends i and they didnt call to emergency right away and he suffered a lack of oxygen over 15 min! Why it had to happen like this, is it god who choose that he cant suffer anymore and took his life!
sorrowunknown on October 18, 2013:
I seem to come back to this blog more often as the months are ticking by... My brother died on the 8th of November 2012, aged 42 of a massive heart attack. That awful date is drawing nearer and though the initial shock has gone, there is a permanent ache in my heart. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him, scrap that, not an hour. He still is my first and last thought everyday. I fear this will not get "better?". I miss him more as time goes by. My brother my best friend my other self. This is so hard. I love him so dearly, more than any other being and would've layed down my life for him without hesitation. God have mercy on us all to face the many years ahead without our siblings.
Hanah on October 17, 2013:
I lost my big brother on August 5 2013 from a tragic sudden car accident. Im 28 and he was 31. My heart dropped when I got that phone call. I live over 2 hours from my family and it was the longest ride of my life to meet my mother. I've been searching for ways to cope deal and be normal again. Though I feel that's not going to happen. All your stories are encouraging that I'm not alone in this fight. I've learned tobe strong for my family but I lose that strength sometimes. Sending prayers to you all. Ive been focusing my feelings on positive things and knowledge that ill see him again one day.
joana on September 13, 2013:
my brother passed away 4 years ago he was an angel
george on September 11, 2013:
i lost all 3 of my brothers from drug abuse and mental illness, my brother jim committed suicide in 1985, my brother bill died in 1992,and my brother bob died in 1994, all 3 were dead for days before they were found. i have lost all my piss and vinegar, i have no motivation . i spent my inheritance not knowing what i was doing, i feel lost always . my email is email@example.com, please respond !
Suzan on September 09, 2013:
I just lost my only big brother a few weeks ago and I completely understand everything you mean. It's been so hard to completely comprehend what's been going on. There are still certain snippets where I honestly forget that he's not here anymore. That's probably because his death was so sudden and rapid none of us really had any time to grasp the reality of it. Bacterial meningitis is such an elusive and sneaky disease that there was probably no way we could have prevented this. But my brother was only 24 years old and he didn't deserve this. And now I have to sit here and envision living the rest of my life without him? I'm only 19 years old. Theoretically, I have years and years ahead of me. Just thinking about the fact that my brother won't be there with me for the rest of my time is a pain that is just so sharp. Honestly, I find it hard to cry around all the mourners because it only makes me angry. I cry secretly by myself but I feel like I have to be tough for my mother and I can't let her down as I am the only kid she has left.
My brother was one of my best friends. We had a bond that I can't explain and I will never share a similar bond with anyone else. We were siblings, rivals and most importantly, we were friends. I could count on him for everything and anything. We didn't always get along but I knew how much he cared about me. Now all I can do is sit here and hope that he knew how much he meant to me.
I have had a lot of support pouring in from my family and friends. I really do appreciate all of it and I'm glad that we are all going through this together and hopefully will find peace as we carry on. May all of you find that peace as well. Never take anything or anyone for granted in your life because you never know when they'll be snatched from you.
- Suzan K.
Elen on September 01, 2013:
It is good to see that people are writing up their experiences of losing a sibling. ' I lost' my sister in 1968. It was particularly difficult as she was very much alive and needed enduring, unconditional love to deal with her severe mental illness.
I was involved with her care from the start as she was running around the country, with no money, no tickets and no plans. She was experiencing psychotic episodes and was in a very bad way.
She is now 61 and has not had much of an adult hood. To make things worse she now has very severe arthritis in her knees so that can not now walk anywhere.
I accept her illness and the behaviour which goes with it - but i can never erase the pain in my heeart. Elen
sandy on August 20, 2013:
I couldn't agree more. I lost my only sibling 8 years ago in a road accident when he was 19 yrs old and I was 20. Since we were pretty much the same age, he was really close to me. We shared everything, we had our secrets, jokes, fights, etc. The first few weeks after he passed away, I was in complete disbelief. I couldn't bear to see my parents' faces. Every one of my relatives had told me to be brave for the sake of my parents. I was told to 'take care' of them. I would definitely take care of them no matter what but at that time, I needed to be taken care of too. Every time I wanted to hug someone tight and cry my eyes out, I was reminded that I needed to be strong for my parents. I wasn't allowed to be weak when all I was feeling was weak. My parents lost a child. I lost a brother, a best friend, a confidant and someone whom I have lived with all my cognitive life. There was not a single day in my life that went by without talking to him or arguing with him. It's his birthday today and I miss him more than ever. I am supposed to be working but I all I can do is think about him and all the memorable moments we had together, forcefully push back tears and secretly cry in the bathroom. I sometimes selfishly wish that I had died instead, so that I didn't have to deal with all this pain.
Alli on August 13, 2013:
It's been 28 days since my 34- year old sister and uncle were killed in a freak accident. His pick-up was struck by a semi.
My sister and I are four years a part I am 29 and she was 34. As kids AND adults, we fought like cats and dogs, but I loved my sister beyond words. I followed her every step, we shared the same room, I cried when she cried and when she had her son (my nephew) I gave him every ounce of my love... I feel torn to pieces. I keep telling myself to take some time off of work, but then, I think being around people at work is what I need. The last few days I have just been at a loss. I handled the majority of the funeral arrangements because my mother just didn't have the strength - So for the first fews weeks I was in 'get - it - done' mode. Now I am just here... taking every day by day and it seems that my emotions and sadness grow stronger the more that time passes.
My sister taught me everything, she inspired me to travel by taking me on my first trip over seas (just the two of us), she took me to my first real party, gave me alcohol and threatened my life if I told our parents.
I just cant imagine what my life will feel like without her. My sister was known for traveling and being away from home, so I try to imagine that she is just on one of her many escapades, but I just can't... xoxo I love you... firstname.lastname@example.org if anyone wants to talk...
G on August 12, 2013:
I lost my big brother exactly 12 months ago today. I miss him every day and feel so alone. Today is even harder. Our extremely elderly parents are still alive and struggling with age related conditions to remain independent. It is so hard as I always thought my big brother would be there to support me as he always had, even from a distance, as he did not live close. It didn't mean we weren't close though. He suffered terribly before he died, after suffering severe brain damage after a fall. After 18 months he then died suddenly. It was really a blessing for him at that point. Thinking of you, miss you forever.xx
x on August 12, 2013:
I lost my big brother 4 weeks ago after a long and very brave battle with cancer and it feels like I will never come to terms with it .
Jo Anna on August 09, 2013:
I have lost my cousin this year the first part of May, then my brother May 29 (he died in his sleep), then my nephew July 10th he was on 24 yrs old of an allergy attack. My youngest sister had her eye removed last year from cancer now the cancer has spread to her liver. My oldest sister has had 5 strokes in 10 months. My parents are deceased so its just us now 5 remaining brothers and sisters. I miss my brother sooo much he was like my baby and sibling. My sister with liver cancer is trying to be strong publicly but every now and again we just break down crying. I am so afraid of losing her and I pray for strength to go on and help my family as well. My boss says I need to be strong and I will do it but I cry in my bedroom at nite and in the morning. I pray for strength to get up and go forward. Please pray for my sister Sue she is an amazing person. My eldest sister wants to die because she feels when Sue goes she will be alone. I told her I will take care of her but she is so afraid. Please pray for all of us to have strength to go on and help each other. Thank you for letting me express my feelings. I am blessed to have 3 kids 24, 22 and 20 and a lovely grand daughter whom gives us all an awesome distraction to the tragedy happening within our family. Also, mybrother losing his son has devastated his family unbearably as well. Hugs, Jo Anna.
Stef on July 31, 2013:
I lost my sister in October 2011, she was 18 one year younger than me. She was handicapped, and for all her life I had been really protective of her. The months before her death were terrible. We were in and out of hospital and then hospice. We never wanted her to be alone so someone from the family was always with her. We tried everything to help her, but nothing worked. I spent those months watching her die. The weeks after her death everything was just numb. I had never seen my dad cry before.
Now nearly 2 years later it still hurts so badly. Some days I just want curl up and die. I am so afraid of losing anyone else, I don't feel like I can take anymore pain. None of my friends understand, they have lost grandparents, but not siblings or parents. I feel like they don't understand that it still affects me so much.
Nat on July 29, 2013:
I am 25 and I lost my 37 year old brother 3 months ago. We lived very far away from each other, but we were extremely close at every level. He is the one who is truly real to me, and as he is no longer in this world, everything just seems so fake, like in a bad dream. I just hope my life goes by quickly and I stop suffering one day.
Nori on July 29, 2013:
My brother drowned in 2008 he is supposed to be 36 this year .When he died I was 22 years.My whole family fell apart when he died and I was the person who had to keep everything together from his wife ,his children and my mom.My mom has never recovered I have to watch her everyday sinking deeper and deeper into depression with no way to help her. I cry almost everyday for my family especially my mom because I feel helpless.I had to do a lot of growing up when he died as I am the person who is responsible for his kids.My relationship with my mom is non existent because of all the fights we had when he died.But everyday I pray to God for my family and myself and I thank him everyday for giving me strength and courage to work for my family.The is n't a day I do not think about him .
maddy on May 29, 2013:
To this day if my sister is brought uo i cant talk about it without crying so i keep my mouth shut my mom recently noticed and asked me about it when we started to talk i los it and cried uncontrollably i was trying to be strong for everyone else and kept smiling being the happy person i always was but it was tearing me apart on the inside i felt i had to be strong for everyone else instead of grieving with them and even writing this i am bawling i wish i had grieved sooner now it vomes in realistic nightmares and random moments when a small child has died i only know now that i shouldnt have tried to be the rock i should have grieved and cried but now im bringing bavk all the memories that ive dealt with for so long without help
Lissa on May 28, 2013:
I lost my brother in 2012 I am the oldest he was a year younger.I miss him so bad & can't seem to just move on with my life without him. Yes everyone also ask how is mom because I also lost my Dad a year & 9 months befor my brother left us so sudden he was well and then he fell dead one night. My heart is so broken and I feel so guilty for not being there with him when he passed. We were so close and I always tried to be there for him. I'm so depressed and no one really wants to talk about it. So sorry for everyone that has lost there brother or sister wanted to tell you your not alone.
sorrow unknown on May 18, 2013:
Dear fortsmom. I wish I can say something that'll ease your immense heartache but I'm struggling to cope with my own pain. It's 6 months since I lost my beautiful 42 yr old brother suddenly to a heart attack and I do not think I will ever really come to terms with this but I find some comfort from a book someone recommended. It called The Afterlife of Billy Fingers . There is a Facebook community and or if you get a moment look at the reviews on google. It thinking of you.
sorrow unknown on May 18, 2013:
James T on May 17, 2013:
My brother died in July 2010 and I'm still struggling to cope with the fact that he's not here any more. There is not a day that goes by when I don't think of him. My brother was 35 when he died. He was the best man at my wedding. Now I have a daughter that my brother will never meet and it breaks my heart.
fortsmom on May 11, 2013:
My brother Steve died of a heart ailment at home April 26, 1975. He was 17, I was 19. I remember my grandma telling me "be strong for your mom and dad"...I got married a year later. My mom did not shop with me for my wedding dress, she arrived at my wedding 5 min before I walked down the aisle. I never forgot that, and it hurt terribly. I never understood...until I lost MY daughter. January 3, 2009. My mom was grieving, it was only a year later...it's been four years, and my younger sister was my biggest support. She called me every day, always sympathetic, never judgmental. Even after 4 years. Then she died suddenly on my daughter's birthday. January 5, 2013. I have fallen back into the black hole that I was in when my daughter died. I agree that NO loss compares to the loss of a child, but I too am having a hard time. My sister was my best friend. She listened when everyone else stopped listening...now I am supposed to just move on from this loss too? I wonder how most days. This article helps me understand (and remember) that my son is grieving too. I just want to crawl in bed and sleep all day tomorrow (Mother's Day), but I remember how I felt when my mom was feeling this way...I need to remember that my son loves me as much as my daughter did, and I love him too...so as hard as it is, I will be happy with my son and remember my daughter tomorrow...(and my mom, who passed away in 2007. I never got the chance to tell her that NOW I understand. Tomorrow is my mom's birthday too...)
beehivestate on May 02, 2013:
I sympathize and am so very sorry for your loss. I am guilty as charged of saying some of the very things you mention that people said to you, unthinking perhaps. I also have lost an adult sibling a dozen years ago and, last year, our only child, a 38 year old with a baby son and a beautiful wife, was killed riding motocross. It was a far greater shock to lose our son than it was to be by my sister's side and watch her die slowly of cancer over five years time. Different losses but the loss of our son was far far far worse to me as a parent. We are no longer young and we have lost our future and everything we have worked for. I'm not saying your loss isn't significant, only that they are different losses. And for me, having experienced both kinds of loss, the loss of a child was worse.
Finite on April 28, 2013:
i have yet to read all the comments you have generated. but, i have not grieved formally for the loss of my little sister, i wont forget our harsh words as she left the house, and the feeling i got when i heard my father receive the call. i think you are overwhelmed w/mail given how well you articulated what i wanted to say. and so similar to my situation. i feel so isolated and alone, b/c the formal indian culture doesn;t allow for family to talk about these things. its absolute bs. after my parents i will be alone. and disabled. i freak out when i think about my future. i cant even deal w/the present, and its been 2 years. and no one to talk to about it. i decided to try again tonight.
sorrowunknown on April 05, 2013:
I wish I have advice to offer. I don't. I'm nearing the 5 month mark. He is still my 1st thought as I wake up and my last 1 before i fall asleep. Lately I started talking to him out loud because I need to believe he can hear me. I dreamt about him twice. Very clear, vivid dreams and am worried about the fact that I'm interpreting the dreams wrongly. It may be just my mind's way of dealing with the immense pain or perhaps I am trying to convince myself the dreams are messages??? I keep hoping for little signs. Am I going mad?? Perhaps this is just another stage of grieving, searching for evidence that his spirit is here with me? Does anyone else grapple with this?
Someone said all we can hope for is to reach the point where the good days will outnumber the bad ones.
I love him so dearly and would've laid down my life for him without hesitation but in a way I'm pleased it's me going through this agonising never ending pain because I wouldn't want him to suffer as we do.
May God give us courage to walk this long lonely road.
gylesk on March 24, 2013:
I dont even know what to say. I lost my brother 9 years ago(he was 21 and i was 18) and its not getting any easier, its only getting worse. i feel like i need to talk about it but i just dont know how. please e-mail me if you have advice... email@example.com
Guthries Sister on March 06, 2013:
To "Shannon Sister of Tim 2 months ago"...I lost my only sibling, my brother in 2008, he was murdered. I have gone through so much in the last 4.5 years, and think of him every day. I have changed so much, I have had to learn who I was, who this knew person is, this person that is a only child. It has been so hard. The beginnings of his trial start Friday and I am a wreck. I have lost so much since his death,so many friends, and learning who I am now is a constant struggle. I read so many stories and I related to your so much, can you give any more advice...I want to find joy again, I just dont feel like I ever will feel that again, I cant remember the last time I woke up on a Saturday and looked forward to the day. Nothing brings me joy, my children have lost their Mother really, no matter how much I try I cant find that old me...and it seems like it's getting worse not better.
abellarican123 on March 03, 2013:
I've never lost a sibling so this article was great. Maybe I can get some perspective my BFF just lost her brother last week in a horrible accident. I have made provisions for the funeral when she text me to tell me that she would rather me come visit her. It's hard for me since they are like my second family I'm close to her parents and knew her brother really well. I don't know if to be offended or is it just the grief talking. I'm so confused but i don't want to force myself on them if they don't want me there. It has made me rethink how close we really are. I just need a little perspective from ones that have gone through this. Thank you
Hilary on March 01, 2013:
No one truly understands the impact of losing an only sibling, unless you're the one that lost. You spend a lifetime together. Sharing moments, memories, experiences...things you know about each other that even parents don't know. You share secrets with each other. Depend on each other. I do feel that losing a brother or sister is something that can easily be harder than dealing with the loss of a child. Seven years have passed since my brother died, and the reasons he died are irrelevant. What I do know, is that I feel like I stifled emotions and feelings for the sake of being strong for my mother. It was the three of us my entire life. So, I had to be there for her, since the only part of that dynamic that was left was me- I had to hold back just how utterly shattered my world had become. It was hard to be overlooked at a time when I, too, needed someone. When we were little, he was my protector. From bullies at home, or at school. In turn, I allowed myself to be hardened, and it's carried into my personal life. I held back every emotion, except when I was alone. I grieved alone. Sometimes, I feel like I never truly allowed myself to hurt. So, now I find myself holding back emotions in my marriage. I never realized how much it truly affected me, until I realized just how unemotional I had become.
dbatts on February 26, 2013:
I lost my sister Leota Feb. 16, 2013--She had been in ICU since the 18th of Jan. She turned 30 yrs. old while on life support. There is 13 yrs difference between us. When I seen her lying there it was like looking at my sister and my child. I am empty. I hurt beyond words, the pain in my heart is beyond anything that I have ever experienced. She left behind a husband, they were married Oct. 1, 2012. Leota was the baby of 6, she was the late in life baby, and she is the first of us to pass. I can't imagine my life without her.
Leanneytan on February 11, 2013:
This had me in tears. I always read some of these articles I see but never actually comment. It nice to know that so many people are feeling the same as me and I'm not actually going crazy. My big brother (23)died suddenly 19yrs ago this year when I was 16 and to this day I still struggle every day with the grief I have inside. He was my best friend and I worshipped him. I remember the night like it was yesterday and no matter how much I try I just don't want to except it. I've been suffering from depression on and off ever since and just can't seem to shake the cycle. Everyday is a battle and sometimes I even wish it had been me instead of him. Right now it seems I have more bad days than good and it's a constant struggle. I have a son of my own now who is 15 and its not fair on him to see me struggling with my life everyday. I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes and thought I must b to still be feeling this was after 18yrs. Everyone else seems to cope better or maybe they just hide it better. My email add is firstname.lastname@example.org if anyone wants to talk, it's just nice to know I'm not alone in all this sadness
vanessa on February 06, 2013:
on January of 2000, nearly 13 years ago my brother died, I was the older sister of 2 and one older sister, I am so mad at him for leaving me, he was like a father to us. I had to be strong for my mother and younger sisters, i didnt cry like I should of, so now it hauntes me 13 year later. To any one that has just lost a sibling, grive now or it will hit you later, consuming your life, mind and heart. I am going to visit his grave tomorrow with a letter, I have to start living! I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE!
Missing-Miki on January 15, 2013:
It has been one month and a day since my sister died. She had a very rare and aggressive blood cancer called Multiple Myeloma. She was the healthiest person I knew (didn't smoke, drink, ate healthy and excerised like crazy). We are the original "Picker Sisters" since our mother and grandmother were both antique dealers. Going to fleamarkets since we were kids, it became part of who were are (were). She was 7 years older than me. Both my parents are dead Mom in 2000 and Dad in 2006 so she was my closest living relative (figuratively and literally). I purchased my house a stone's throw away from her in 2006 just so I could be closer to her after our father died.
Because both of our parents worked full time (back in the 1970s), she was always the one who had to tote me around with her friends...much to her dismay! We were rivals as kids but best friends as adults. She's the last one to truly know me since birth. I have truly lost half my identity. Who am I now? I am just lost and every morning when I wake up, I have to remind myself she is gone and not coming back....ever! I want to get in my car and never stop driving. One of the other people's post says it best "The old me has gone into the grave with him. I am several people now; a pretend person for sake of friends and work, a broken person for my very supportive husband, a no confidence very scared and lonely person for myself."
I went back to work last week. I go through the motions and try to appear "normal" but what does that mean? Just because I'm not crying every second of the day doesn't mean I'm not in total dispair. I have been an emotional wreck ever since her diagnosis but never let myself "go there" as I would say...to think, what if? Now "if" has happened and I am totally unprepared. Life doesn't seem to have much meaning anymore. So many of the things I enjoyed, I did with my sister. We just moved back in to our booth at the antiques co-op....she was doing so good the last six months after her transplant. People tell me they were a "gift". I didn't realize it then, but I do now and would give anything to get six months more...even 6 minutes. Some other forum calls this a club no one wants to join. I feel all of your pain and share the grief I feel for myself with all of you. We are forever changed...
lisa bickley on January 09, 2013:
My brother lost his battle with multiple sclerosis about two weeks ago. I was one of his primary caregivers. He died at age 32. He was a beautiful person and wonderful friend. I get comfort in the fact that he's no longer suffering. However, I miss him terribly. I am devastated. I notice people asking about my mother and assuming that I am ok. You have to lose a sibling to understand losing a sibling.
Shannon Sister of Tim on December 22, 2012:
I love and lost my brother Tim when he was 27 and I was just about to turn 25 in April of 2007 5 years ago. The experience of death was the most humbling and raw experience I have ever had to live through. I have no other siblings. Since his death I have had a plethora of emotions and confusion. I lost my identity, I have lost relationships and at one point I lost my faith in God. My emotions ran from disbelief for almost a year to gut wrenching heart ache to anger and of course guilt. Grief did such a number on me emotionally that I lost who I was, my sense of self; nothing but a stranger in the mirror. I have lost a life long friend who we knew since Tim was 7 yrs and I was 5 yrs shortly after his death (she did not die herself, she was just a bitch) You see I changed when he died and people that once new me did not know me anymore; I barely knew myself. I was at such a fragile time in my life I had to expel all of the toxic people around me in order to keep myself somewhat stable. Pushing people away and distancing myself made me feel safe again. Loosing my faith was just shameful. Since than it has been regained but it only took 4.5 years.
Something I have learned about grief is that it does not just happen once.....it can happen multiple times. Every Birthday, every anniversary, every holiday, even new occasions i.e. weddings, births and other deaths (parents). Every time they are suppose to be there and they are not grief finds a way to cycle through. Death can strip a surviving sibling of everything, dwindling them down to a shell of themselves now existing in a strange world where their sibling is no more. But LOVE, love brings it all right back again. The Love for your sibling is consistent through all the cycles of grief. Love is the strongest emotion, Love is the most resilient emotion and can handle anything. Love always finds away. Love Is Stronger Than Death!
There is hope for happiness in the future. Some of you don't know that yet and some of you are just starting to realize it now. I wish for all of us over Christmas or any holiday or moment we are not quite ready for: that we hold love in our hearts for hope of tomorrow. Peace be with you.
Sarah B. on December 18, 2012:
My sister passed away July 9th, of this year 2012. I understand where you are coming from with the fact that people say you have to stay strong for your mother. I have 6 other siblings also that I feel I have to stay strong for also. I know my sister would want me to stay strong. On the outside I may seem like I am coping with the loss well but truly and honestly it stills hurts every single day. She pops in my head at the least 20 times a day. I miss her terribly and wish i could have just one last hug from her but i know that's not going to happen. On top of losing her the detective on the case didn't do a damn thing to investigate the case. He told my mom to find someone to admit to it and then he will do something about it.. Last time I checked it was his job to do that... Coping with this loss is so hard and I don't think it will ever be something I will be able to cope with. It does make me feel a little better to know there are others that feel my pain. Although noone should ever have to go through what we do.
sorrowunknown on December 18, 2012:
Thank you for the last post sandrajanegreen, it is good to read and gives me some hope for future. Thanks to everyone else too for sharing your pain and opening your hearts. It helps to know we are not alone and I too come back to this site very often for comfort. God bless the author of this hub.
I am 46 and lost my brother Neill 42, on the 8th of November this year to a massive heart attack. His birthday is the 24th Nov.
I struggle to come to terms with the fact that he was too young to die and we still had so much to share. I am grateful that we had a very strong bond and were very close. I know it is still early days, almost 6 weeks, but I think about him all the time. I cry everyday, several times a day. I find not thinking about tomorrow or anything in the forseeable future helps to stop me from going insane. Just one hour at a time gets me through.
Today is the 1st day that I do not feel like there is an open bleeding wound in my heart, because this isn't just mental agony and hell, it is a very real physical pain too.
My friends are great but they could never understand what I am going through, and I hope they won't have to for many many years still. I do feel a bit disappointed if they ask if I'm better because I do not think I ever will be again. The old me has gone into the grave with him. I am several people now; a pretend person for sake of friends and work, a broken person for my very supportive husband, a no confidence very scared and lonely person for myself. I have a younger brother (38) who I wish I could carry his pain for too and to him I can show this new self but I hate burdening him with this.
Here's to hoping we'll get through Christmas with God's grace and each other's prayers and thoughts.
Sandra Jane Greening from stoke on December 16, 2012:
My brother Ian died in a car accident in February of last year.
It's been so hard since then, especially the first year and the anniversary of his death, all the family birthdays and holidays we used to go on together. Every one just brings it back to me and the rest of our family that he's missing.
For a long time I felt so numb and pointless, my friends didn't understand how I felt at all even though they were very lovely and sympathetic, and I felt so guilty for always bringing the mood down whenever I was with them as a group that I started avoiding them and staying home at every opportunity which actually made me feel worse.
The 2nd anniversary of his death is on the 20th of February next year and the thought still makes me cry every time I see the date in the calander. I'm dreading it.
But my friends have stuck by me, no matter how many times I avoided them or lost my temper with them and pushed them away my real friends have stuck by me.
And I'm surviving.
I have bad days. But I have good days as well, and there's more of them than the bad days lately.
I'm scared to hope that it will continue like that but at least now I can remember his face and his voice and how much we loved each other and their good memory's that make me smile.
Thank you to the author of this blog, though I'm writing this through my tears at hearing the pain that all of you are experiencing at least I know I'm not alone here.
Sarah on December 05, 2012:
I am sitting reading all the posts in floods of tears. I lost my brother in June this year, (the 7th, 3 days before his 33rd birthday). he had diabetes and his sugars went low in the middle of the night. He kept well generally and this has been such a massive shock. There was only a year and four months between us. (Iam 32). We grew up so closely and he was an amazing guy...a friend as well as my brother.
I have a supportive husband and we plan to start a family but nothing can take this empty, misunderstood, horrible feeling away!! It is like there is no escape as trying to be normal feels fake and I feel I have no patience for 'small talk' and my concentration span is so low! Please tell me this improves? I beleive in God and get strength through prayer but it's so hard. It is very difficult seeing my parents this way also, I think people sometimes ask for the parents as they do not know what else to say or how to react and it takes the focus off them having to address the raw emotions right in front of them that they are not equipped to deal with. Thank you all for helping me to realise I am not so alone. I wondered how people dealt with the first Christmas as I really cannot get into it. My folks are going on holiday and I am working part of it but listening to peoples plans just makes me want to run away and never come back as nothing will ever be the same!!
To the person who posted 8 hours ago, my thoughts and prayers are with you and I pray for the healing of the lost and broken feelings for both of us and everyone else on this blog who has opened up their hearts. many blessings and for us all to find a way through the days until we meet our siblings again and get all the answers.
H on December 04, 2012:
I am completely lost and broken, this Thanksgiving 2012 I got a phone call that my 34 year old brother died while playing flag football with his fiances family of a massive heart attack. I still dont get what is happening right now, what I am writing, why I am writhing this but this seems to be all I can do right now. I am 30 years old and me and my brother were best friends. We hung out many times a week, whether it was a full sunday of fun or a quick mid day beer. I dont know how you go from seeing your brother all the time, texting everyday, to not...to not knowing the meaning of life anymore. I try to listen to people tell me that its going to get easier but I honestly feel that people dont get how lost I am...lost...
Smriti on November 14, 2012:
I think I have been searching for you people for the last one and a half years , since I lost my elder brother on 7th may 2011..
I miss him..terribly.He was only 25 years old..4years elder to me..He was more like a father than a brother..Always doting on me..Guiding me..giving me advice,taking my suggestions.,everything.
He was my only friend..only..because I am kind of an introvert..it really helped to have a soulmate..And he was mine..He was always there..and now he's not..
Now I'm the only kid remaining in my family..and it seems so much like a cruel joke..because I really wished to be an only child when I was young..because I didn't like sharing the good things with him..Mom's love..The attention of being the older child..Everything..
But suddenly..I have that..and I can't stand it..I hate myself for wishing it..and feel like they were heard by someone above..
Every birthday of mine..he was the first one to call..and the last one too..he would be more excited about my birthday than I would be myself..And even after he got a job in a different city..he came down...even if for only a day to celebrate my birthday..because I was his Little sis..
He was the coolest brother to be with..We could discuss anything..anything at all..we would make plans about our future..fight over non-existent things..
We were happy..truly happy..Now..there's no such thing..nothing to be happy about..
Everytime something happens and I think..I have to tell it to my brother..the realization that hits that he is no more..is unbearable..
There will be no one who I'll call up and complain about dad not listening to me..nobody to fight on my behalf to make mom agree to something..
There won't be any phone calls asking if I need anything..No one telling me its alright..because when he went away..he took my only friend with him..
There is no such thing as "it getting better with time"..NO..It doesn't..How can it get better when you know that he won't be there anymore..no more!!..He won't get married..won't have kids..Have his own house..We won't share anything anymore..no laughs..no cries..
And everytime a festival comes..it just makes it worse..I remember all the fun times we had..because every sibling have their own code of fun..we had our own..we "got" one another..in a way that no one else ever did..Now..its really difficult even talking to someone..
I don't even know what to do in front of my parents..be strong for them..ok..I will..but who do I turn to..their siblings are all still there..
No friend has gone through this..so it becomes really difficult to exactly empathize with me..and I understand that..But really..Who do I talk to?..
Thank you for all you people who written here..It got me the courage to express.. that I'm not the only one..And Thank you to Dana for writing this piece..
pharmgirl05 on October 28, 2012:
My 26 year old sister died three months ago from a disease she was diagnosed with officially a year ago. I am 25 and have a younger sister that is 24. We were the closest siblings I know. We hung out all the time and loved acting goofy together. I never imagined this is how my life would be. I talked to both of my sisters on a daily, if not hourly basis. We did everything together. My family was very, very close. I cant even type into words how close we were as a family, we had so much love.
I don't even know how to focus on life anymore. It seems as if life has no purpose. I am currently in my first year of pharmacy school and don't know how to focus on studying anymore. I tried so hard to get into pharmacy school and now that I am in I feel as if I am throwing it all away because I can't focus. Every time I sit down to study I think of my previous life when I was happy.
I have an amazing boyfriend. We were talking about getting married before all this happened. Now I hate it when coworkers and friends ask me when he is going to propose. I feel like people don't realize that I am not looking forward to a wedding anymore. They dont realize that my sister was going to be my co-maid of honor. (My sisters and I decided a long time ago that we would all be co-maid of honors in each other's weddings.) I feel as if people are ignorant and think my life should be back to normal by now since its been three months.
I feel really bad for my younger sister. Like I said, we were all really close. However, I have a boyfriend to turn to and she doesn't. I feel really bad for my parents, the best parents in the world. No one of us ever imagined our lives would be this way. It is truly unfair.
When does life get easier? Or does it stay this miserable?
emma on October 23, 2012:
my brother died beginning of this year jan 2012 .. he drowned to begin with we were told murdered..my mother is in turmoil .. i dont know what to do and NO i dont believe in God..he was only 25 peeps say the good die young he had a higher purpose all i know is my bro how adored is no more and where from here i dont know..is there anywhere from this cause im not seeing it................
Vs on October 17, 2012:
I don't know what to say I lost my young brother 0n 29th sep 2012, and now there is not a day I don't think bat him, I have to be strong for my parents but I myself struggle to understand is there really something called god if yes then one question why so much pain why early when he was very happy my faith has gone with my brother still can't believe I would not see or hear from him again he was my parents loving child and now there life has come to full stop . What should I do don't know , but this site shows that pain is not just mine it's everyone's but one question to everyone do u believe in god now?????
Manon on September 30, 2012:
I have now lost two sisters. One 9 years ago and the middle sister one year ago. Both to brain tumors. I am the only daughter left and my parents are very old. I always have people say to me well u know ur father will be next. I feel like i am cursed, like my life can't survive love. My fiancé was also cheating on me and he left two years ago. I really wish my sisters were still here, it's so lonely without them. I am also so so very sorry for everyone on this pages loss, I truly am. May we all become strong by being here today.
Tami B. on September 22, 2012:
I lost my Brother nearly 5 years ago. We knew he had an incurable blood disease. He was healthy for so many years . Then when he was finally hospitalized he was gone in 3 weeks time. He was 54 and me 45. I think one of the things that really caught my attention when seeking out others experiences was one thing struck a cord. When a parent dies it is usually from old age and that is expected . But the death of a sibling. It is your past your present and the future. My Brother has since had two grandchildren that he doesn't know and that is so sad to me. He would have been a great grandpa. Well that's it.
Suki Sra on August 03, 2012:
I have read a lot of these comments and I must say a lot of them are very touching. My brother died last month in a car crash. He was hit by another car who was driving recklessly. My whole family got to scene of the accident. It's hard when your told that your brother is no more. On top of that we couldn't cremate him until the lad who killed him could have another post mortem to help his case in court. There were a lot of unanswered questions for weeks. Finally on the end of ghe fourth week his body was released. We arranged a funeral for him the following week. This has been the worst nightmare of our lives. Our parents will never come to terms with my brothers loss. He lived with them for 37years. He was the life and soul of any party. As a sibling the pain has been unbearable. I am the eldest. My brother younger than me is in so much pain he struggles to share it with anyone. My younger sister can't wait to meet my dead brother. And I go and sit with my mum everyday since his death and I talk about him, I cry about him. My mum is a lost soul. I cannot imagine the Iain my mum are dad in but the pain we siblings are suffering is just as bad. We talk about him everyday. We struggle with how our lives will ever move on. I get upset when people say be strong, your parents need you. Your the eldest you have to make everyone else stronger. I go to bed early so that I can go to sleep. I hate waking up as I have to relive every moment again. People used to say what a lovely family, 2 boys and 2 girls. But know we are only 3 it will never be the same ever againx
J on July 29, 2012:
My god... far too many of us have had to go through the same thing one way or another.
I lost my baby brother at the age of 21. He had not even been 21 for a full month. I was 24 at the time and my other brother was 22 at the time. My brother died needlessly, but trying to be a hero, so I'm proud of him. Terribly snowy day in a city that doesn't maintain it's roads on the best of times. He was a volunteer fire fighter headed to a house fire. It was his first house fire and the captain forced him to drive a tanker truck filled with water, that he'd never driven before on an icy windy road. He was alone!! Who in the fire department is ever alone?? He was trying to save a family's home... now I wish that it had burned to the ground.
I feel for my parents every day, but you're right. No one thinks of us. I always get asked about my parents, but not even about my surviving sibling. I wish, as the oldest, it could have been me every day. He didn't even get to finish school, or make it to my wedding a few short months later.
I miss you kiddo, love you tons and literally think about you every day.
I'm so sorry so many of you are going through such similar situations. It will never go away, we'll just learn eventually, to cope with the grief (or so I keep hoping... 7 months later)
keith on July 29, 2012:
I lost my younger brother to cancer in Nov. of last year. He was 49. To watch his condition decline and not be able to do anything to help him was the hardest part. I consider myself pretty strong guy, but have cried a river of tears since we found out his condition was terminal. He fought it for 2 1/2 years. We were all with him when he drew his last breath. I try not to think about that morning. He died at home and we carried his body to the garage, where the funeral home van was parked. I was in shock. The moment they pulled the white sheet over his face, I felt like I died too. For what ever reason thats when it seemed the most real. I wish I had just one more chance to tell him I was proud to call him my brother.
thetinks on July 20, 2012:
Your life mirrors mine four years ago. The aggressive cancer, losing my little brother after 8 months ( he had just married six weeks before his diagnosis) and him being so, so brave and never saying "why me?" even once. At the time of his death, I was 33 and he passed away two days before his 29th birthday....my birthday was always exactly a week after his so there is a lot of reflection during that time and it's a month before Christimas as well. Your mom and dad, like you are destroyed and it's a powerless feeling not being able to help them or take away their pain. My family literally broke up after my brother's death and some extended family will still not speak to me because i took the time to stay away from drama at that time as i was also getting divorced...but it had to bedone for the sake of my children...we needed our own space. . To me, we were already on the brink of our relationship with my mother becoming non existant because of her abusive, mentally ill partner anyways, but his death also gave us time to reflect as to what was important in our relationships wih each other as well as to respect boundaries set up. Extend the invitation to the birthday party early and let your parents know that it's ok if they don't attend, that you understand - even if you don't. They may not be up to celebrating much or feel like everyone might be uncomfortable because of what they are going through. if they don't go, they will definitely be there next year. I am truly sorry for you and your family's loss Jen. Siblings seem to be forgotten during this time but we hurt in our own way very, very deeply. xoxo
Jen on July 19, 2012:
There are no words to express how horrific it is to lose your little brother! Especially when he was only 23! My brother died May 15 to a very rare, aggressive cancer. He was such a tall, muscular, and overall tough guy that we always thought he would beat it. It was awful to watch him go through all of the horrors of treatment. But he never complained once! He really showed us what a true man is through his trial. He found out 2 wks after I had my first child. The docs never really told us his odds until the end. 8 months after diagnosis and he's gone...it cant be! Now I dont know what to do with myself. Its been 2 months since he's been gone and people all around expect everything should be back to normal now. My parents are totally different people and are so lost in grief. They haven't even seen my child since this all happened. I'll be lucky if they show up to her 1st bday. I feel like I've lost not only him, but also my whole family. The only thing that is getting me through is my faith in God and knowing that my brother was a Christian so I will see him again. But what do I do in the mean time? Especially when his birthday is just days away. It shouldnt be like this. Thank you for all of the above comments. It's comforting to be able to share with others and know that there are others like you.
John on July 15, 2012:
On February 26th my brother died after being hit by a jet ski whilst going for a swim. It was a beautiful hot day and I spoke to him that lunchtime... He had two daughters.... Life was great ! His head injuries were so serious but I got to be with him for a day before we turned off the life support. He is my only brother and I miss him constantly... It's when I sometimes forget that he's gone that it hurts so much. It has made my life different .... live it now , be kind, don't worry about "nothing's "and cherish how vital life is. Thank you for this post ... It helps a lot to know that others are feeling the same.... the lost siblings.
Big Brother on July 15, 2012:
Thank you. My baby brother was killed in 2008, he was 24. I was overseas and flew back to a dead body, I missed him by 8 hours.... Everybody asks 'how are your parents?' and people only really ask you how you are when they've been drinking. I can't stand drunk tears they are so fake, if you really miss him so bad come see me when your sober and i'l cry with you!! I don't open up to anyone I tend to deal with it all myself (which is ironic I realise posting here, I guess its the anominity) the court cases, the media and all the questions.
People say time heals all wounds and that it gets easier with time, the only people that say this have never lost anyone, at times I struggle to breathe, to get up in the morning or finish a simple task. I almost don't want it to get easier as that means Im starting to forget.
I never dream of him and I crave it so bad, just one hug, a hello, a chat even in my dreams.... Unfortunately tomorrow morning the sun will rise and the moon tomorrow night, the world doesn't stop turning although at times I wish it would. It doesn't get easier you just learn to deal with it and cry quietly to sleep at night....
Channing on July 13, 2012:
I know I'm just another on this list of people, but I never thought I would be experiencing this, and it's so hard. My brother died ten days ago from a car accident and it's so painful. I am 24, he was 23, we grew up enduring the same messed up family and he was the only one who would ever really get it. He had just graduated in May and was coming to visit friends to look for an apartment and get a new job... he was healthy, happy, intelligent, the world in front of him. He was my only brother, my only sibling. We weren't close for the past several years, but I always banked on our blood to bring us back together as we got older. I hardly ever talked to him, but I knew one day he would get married, have kids, we would be friends, we would talk. I feel so robbed of that future. My mom is grieving and everyone is concerned for her - which I understand. But I always expected to have the rest of my life, 60 more years or so, with my brother, and now it's not there. I am still so traumatized and in disbelief over seeing his body in the casket, my little baby brother, all grown up now. It's so hard not to think about it, not to let it poison my every thought, to just carry on with my life like I'm happy, not to wish that it had been me instead, not to feel so bitter that he had to go when so many horrible people are living out their old age. I don't know what to do... it's so hard.
Emma on July 08, 2012:
I couldn't agree more I'm 9 years old and lost my 19 year old brother to seizures it was so sudden I cry every day for hours and hours he was my best friend we were best buddies we did everything together and we did everything for each other
Lindsey on July 05, 2012:
I completely understand and agree. It has been almost 2 years since I lost my big brother (and only sibling) to cancer. I'm 28 now. I thought I would have him with me for my entire life and we thought his year long struggle with cancer was over when he had his last MRI and it said he was cancer free. Little did we know that in two months it would come back with a vengeance and take him from us in less than a couple of months. It was horrific and I don't know how I got through that time. Even now, it's not easier. Today I was listening to a song on the radio about how "Love is watching someone die." I immediately started sobbing and couldn't stop. It hurts so much to no longer have your best friend there for you. I still experience little moments of shock when I realize my brother is gone. It hurts so badly and I have nobody to turn to you. I can't talk to my parents about it because I just don't want to. I wish more people would understand how absolutely terrible it is to lose a sibling. I am still trying to cope with it on a daily basis. I am moving on with life, but my heart breaks on the hour when I see a picture of him or when something reminds me of him.
jodot on July 02, 2012:
I was looking for some insight into how siblings feel at the loss of a brother or sister as my son lost both his sisters in a car accident in 2007, and I found this website. The girls were 17 and 21 and they were all very close. My son now has a girlfriend and has moved into his own house with her but we as parents still don't really know how he feels as he seems reluctant to talk, even to his friends. Does that mean he has 'moved on'. Not that I know quite what that means? As a parent it is humbling to see how you all try to be so strong for your parents. So selfless and brave. The mind and bone numbing grief and exhaustion that we feel as parents at the loss of children makes it difficult to see what is going on around others who are left. We were all shown amazing love and support at the time, and much continues but reading some of your blogs has given me some understanding of what my son is going through. It must be so hard for him to make any sense of what happened, and we will certainly be even more aware of his feelings as he will, like everyone on this special page, have to face a future without them.
For Jim Angle. Maybe you could keep on being there, keeping that constant of 'normal' through the difficult times. It's fine to ask how she is , she will know how hard it is for you too. Maybe take her for a walk somewhere nice, have an ice cream, sometimes it's better to do things and it's easier to chat when you're walking.
Thank you all for your help.
Tracie on June 20, 2012:
I could not agree more! I lost my brother a little bit more than 3 months ago. I have good supportive friends, but it seems like no one understands what I am truly going through. I was very close with my brother, he meant the world to me. He was my inspiration in life and it was so hard to see him go. Some days are harder than others. Some people don't even care about how I feel and think that I am over my brother's death, but that is not the case. I will always miss brother.
Jim Angle on June 18, 2012:
My Girlfriends Brother passed away yesterday and I have no idea how she must be feeling. I would like to thank everyone who has posted here for giving me a small insight. I want to be there for her in any way I can, sitting silently, talking about him, whatever it takes. Can anyone give me some advice on anything which you may have found helpful/supportive yourself, please? I want to call and ask how she is but I know that is a stupid question. Many thanks in advance.
dreaminpics on June 13, 2012:
It has been 20 years since my brother passed. He was 29 and I was 27. Have I forgotten him? Not even. A day doesn't go by where I don't think about him.
The most healing and comforting thing I did the first year, was to write to him in a journal (actually, several notebooks and journals). Somehow I felt he could hear me through my writing.
My brother leaving early has changed me. I appreciate life more, I try not to take anybody for granted, and I don't wait to let people know how much they mean to me. My perspective on what is truly important is not anything that can be bought.
Please hang in there. Some days will be better than others. Eventually you will wake up and not feel like someone just punched you in the stomach and you can't breathe.
Leigh on June 13, 2012:
My sister Beth was killed by a drunk driver on June 24 1987. She was 26yrs old and 6 months pregnant. She was planning a birth and a wedding and suddenly we were planning a funeral. The man who killed her was 63 with 12 previous convictions for drunk driving. He was not charged with killing her child - they didnt do that in New Zealand then but they do now. I was 24 and like many of you, my parents didnt cope so I was left to. We had no other relatives in NZ so I had no help either - I dealt with the Police, the media, the funeral director, her distraught fiancee, our broken hearted friends, my wrecked parents and younger brother - hell I even had to buy something to wrap her poor dead daughter in before we lay her in Beth's arms. Did this harm me and interfere with my grief? Damn right it did. We are days away from the 25th anniversary of her death and it still takes very little to bring me to tears. I miss her so badly and it has never gone away. For us as siblings, we lose someone we have ALWAYS had - a yardstick in our lives; someone who is often the most honest reflector of us that we have. That should never be underestimated, nor should that sudden leap into parental caregiving. I lost my innocence with one phone call. There are so many of you on the road with me it breaks my heart. xx
ELR on June 05, 2012:
I can relate to so many of your comments. I also feel as if I have lost a limb and am having to learn to walk all over again. Who am I without her?
My life forever changed on November 28 2011. The nightmare began to unravel. My only sibling was dead at the age of 39, she was 16 months older and it was always just the two of us "girls."
I found this website after a pathetic trip to the bookstore. There really is more information on losing a kitten than your sibling! I know that kittens are cute but...
There is truly so little understanding of the unique grief that goes with the loss of your sibling. I also have noticed that many comments on this page are from people who lost their sibling too early to justify the " circle of life." I agree, I am 38 and feel like I have so many years ahead to live without her. Every new chapter in life will be a reminder of my loss.
My parents have their own grief and I respect that. I also explained to them that while they may have been the coach on our family team my sister was my team mate. Very different relationship. There is no competition where grief is concerned. There is no prize for who holds the most pain and loss. As siblings it might be nice for people to acknowledge the love and bond we had (still have) for that person.
My heart goes out to all of you. Peace.
thetinks on June 04, 2012:
To my mom Lynda. I love you and i'm so, so sorry for Cody. No, i can not imagine your pain as it would be my worst nightmare. You took over like a champ and cradled him gently like he was a little boy again. Mom, i want to be there for you....Ryan and i want to be there for you, purely, deeply and tenderly. i love you. xo
thetinks on June 04, 2012:
I lost my only sibling, my brother Cody to cancer four years ago. I was always so jealous of the attention he received from my parents, it reflected on my own insecurities as it wasn't his fault. it took years for us to form our own special relationship and when my son was born, he became his godfather as my first and only choice. Six weeks after my brother married the girl of his dreams, he woke up with a really stiff neck that was assumed to be a pulled muscle from sleeping wrong. i had some old muscle relaxants that i gave him but nothing worked. He was so strong and went to work everyday but you could tell, he was very, very uncomfortable and very worried. we were working back in our hometown again and he was living with my parents to save for a house with his new wife. Cody kept requesting a requisition for an MRI but no one here took him seriously enough to do so. One night he drove back to Brampton, Ont. where he and his wife had set up a home. His MRI appt. was late at night, around 10:30 pm. By 9:00 am the next day, a doctor he had never met before gave him devesating news. He had a tumor on his spine and it didnt look good. My parents and i were in shock but just crushed as was his new bride. i love my Cody and unfortunately his life lasted eight months more. He was so brave for all of us and i remember him on his last day one word "optimistic" as he tried to keep up with his exercises. i still believed that we was going to get better because he believed he would. Well, he passed away at 4:30 am the next morning. it took six months before i realized that i had lost him forever. you know, sometimes it feels like i still feel him around me. i was left with my parents and their grief and nothing i could do could take away their pain. they have never acknowledged the effect of my grief and how sick it made me to feel so helpless. we had this friendship that had developed over the years and i miss him so terribly....there isn't a day that goes by that i don't miss my dear friend/brother/uncle...my son feels like we have to keep Uncle Cody's memory alive. He loved his uncle with all of his heart and soul and was devestated to see him dead in his coffin to say goodbye at the private family viewing. My mom and i haven't had the closest relationship but i still miss her dearly because with the strain of my brother's passing, i deep down think that she wishes it was me. i feel so guilty that i have disappointed in him being taken and her not left with her favorite, the one she was closest to and doted over. i couldn't even imagine her loss, including me excluding her from my life so that i could take some time from the break up of my family through divorce. My mom has a very mentally ill boyfriend that is not nor ever will be in mine or my sons life. i feel he made a mockery of Cody's death and a jealousy that he was my mom's favorite...almost like he was overjoyed as now maybe he could be her focus now. i would love more than to have a closeness to my mom or at least a respectable relationship that my son could be with his granny again. that man she is with stalked us, hated us and harassed us. the final moment was when i had to call the police on him for stalking my husband and child and the controlling issues he had and his schizophrenia almost broke me in half. i miss you madly Cody and everyday i talk to you on the way to and from work. i wonder what ifs too much but now i just want my mom to know how much i love her. i want her to know how much we need each other, without her gossip and judgement and hatred toward me for living. i think she somehow blames me. i want my brother back for her, not just myself or my boy. I love you so much Cody, you will be missed and thought of everyday for the rest of my life. i will keep your memory alive forever....you are my hero. you never once complained, cried in public, nor felt sorry for yourself and said "why me". my only wish in this world is for one more moment for my mom to hug him and kiss him one more time. i love my mom too and want her back.
helena on May 29, 2012:
Message for J (2 days ago)I felt almost exactly the same as you wrote when my brother died 20 months ago, although your experience is unique in its own way,the whole parents thing is really really difficult, because its grieving for the same loss but being unable to comfort each other. This goes on for a long time, just acknowledging it is good though. I equate it to a four legged chair with one leg cut off, its all off balance and takes a long time (if ever) to re-balance. Its horrible, especially the feeling of responsibility, and even wondering if they would have preferred it to have been me gone rather than my brother, obviously this is a terrible thought, but it does run through the mind like all the other crazy feelings that no one talks about. I would recommend going to see a counsellor, where you can explore your feelings honestly without worrying about upsetting anyone or shocking people who don't understand.
Grieve does not diminish ever, you will never be the same again, but you will learn to live your life again,its hard when you feel guilty for being alive when your brother is not. You will live your life because its what your brother would dearly want for you. I wish you and all the other sibs peace.
jess on May 27, 2012:
I came across this artical and it touched a special place for me. I lost my brother in October 2006. He was my very best friend and today is his birthday. He would have been 29 today. I never did anything without him. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. As you know reading things like this. Make all the differance to people who are looking for someone who underatands.
J on May 27, 2012:
I too am struggling with loss. l lost my 32 year old brother in feb very suddenly (I was 29) and he is my only sibling. I feel so alone to be honest. I can't talk to my parents about it because I sense they get very uncomfortable and don't want to upset me which I understand but I have nobody else. Yes, I'm married and have a baby but even my husband doesn't seem to want to hear me talk about Bradley or grieve. My brother has always been in my life and I can't accept that I won't see him again. I still don't believe it. I have really gone down hill lately. It seems as though after the funeral all of his friends went back to their 'normal' lives but I can't, nor can my parents or his 3 year old son. I cry each night now and just can't get out of my rut. I really need someone to talk to who won't be uncomfortable or awkward around me but what I really want is to be able to talk to my parents. I agree that you get a new found sense of responsibility when you lose a brother. I feel somewhat responsible for my parents now and almost as though I need to be the model child now which I am far from. I'd give anything to have Bradley back. I miss him so much that it feels like I've lost a limb.
Danielle on May 26, 2012:
Thank you for writing that. I'm currently going through a really hard time myself. I lost my sister suddenly a year and a half ago. She was 28 and I was 26. She died from meningitis. She gave a presentation at work not even 12 hours before she died.
Right now I am having trouble understanding my parents. I'm furious with them. Well for instance, I have 3 brothers and my whole life my step mother put them on a pedestal. My sister and I were basically ignored. So when she dies, all of a sudden my step mom is finally paying attention. only all of her attention. as if she feels guilty for not giving my sister that attention when my she was alive. so how does she do that? by ignoring the rest of us that are still here. that are still alive. Brooke's gone. I know. It sucks, she was my best friend. I didn't have any other friends. I saw her die. I was the only one who was with her. I saw the fucking doctors drop her lifeless body on the ground before they even announced the time of death. and so my sister left me. and she took my parents souls with her. my dad says his loyalty lies with my step mom. so yeah, he takes her side in just about anything. my biological brother says he doesn't like to hear me complain. . . that it drives him away. i don't really have a relationship with my other two brothers/step brothers. and everytime i try to bring this up in sibling greif group it's like im the heartless one, for being angry and not feeling as sorry for my sister as i feel for myself. my sister kind of got it easy. either she is in heaven or she is everywhere or nowhere. wherever she is, im sure she's not having to go through this kind of pain. so the way i see it is, when she died, it really flipped my world upside down. and if anything came out of it- it is the fact that any of us could go any day. any minute. without warning. so that our time can be yanked from under our feet? so logically, what do i do? i want to spend as much time and make as many happy memories with those that i love as much as possible to squeeze it in, because you never know who might be gone tomorrow. . . and so there are my parents. ignoring the siblings. ignoring me. not even liking me. an who knows how long this will go on for. maybe it will go on until i potentially die from something suddenly, and unexpected. and then all those years were wasted. wasted on someone who isn't even here anymore. i loved my sister so much. i just hate that with her death, i'm feeling angry at her. jealous even, maybe.
Stasi on May 22, 2012:
I lost my little sister one week ago. And while she had a lot of demons, alcohol and drug problems and 2 suicide attempts this year, I still feel her death was sudden. She just turned 24 on april and we had just returned from a mothers day Vegas weekend with the family. She even treated mom and I to a spa day. We buried her yesterday and this whole time everyone is expressing their sympathies to my mom and step dad and her boyfriend of less than a year. Where the hell are my I'm sorrys? My sister was practically my Siamese twin for 21 years. She slept with me until I moved out of our moms at 21. I was the only one she talked to until she started school and HAD to talk for herself. She even stayed with me for all 22 hours of labor when my son was born. My mother in law and sister were the only ones my fiancée would let stay in the room for the birth. I feel like my childhood just died. While I think my mom and I are being strong for eachother, I don't know how to come back from this. I dont know if I have what it takes to help my mom. And I'm angry that I'm ignored. Family members even bypassed me to console her boyfriend. I'm almost 30 and a chunk of my soul is gone. Thank you for giving me a place to vent. I'm sorry we are all here. These are things we shouldn't have to deal with until we're old and bordering on senility
cheri on May 21, 2012:
I still recall as if it was yesterday your brother is dead....the disbelief total shock continues today many years later he was my best person my person my only person who knew me...my brother my little guy who was under my bunk bed kicking me all night night after night and I still cant breathe I still feel shaken he was murdered and my parents just shut down and like you say you are somehow invisible forever more you are looked at differently actually i am just realizing that is what the pain seems to be..hmmm there was one study i heard on npr that said loosing a sibling is more difficult than anyother relation.
Emm on May 20, 2012:
I lost my only brother almost one year ago. His body was found in the woods and they don't know what happened to him. I was pregnant when my mom and his fiance came to my house and had to tell me. I will never forget that horrific day. It keeps replaying in my mind over and over again. I was so frightened that I would lose the baby. When I think of that day, I can't breathe. I still keep wishing that I would wake up from this horrible nightmare. I also get a lot of questions like "how is your mom" and "how is his fiance doing"...and because I have a husband and two small children, many people tell me to be strong in front of them and to not cry. It is just so hard. Not a day has gone that I don't cry but I feel like there is so much pressure on me to be strong for my parents and for my husband and kids. It is so difficult to lose someone that you have shared everything with...from the day you were born! He understood me like noone else and he was one of the most extraordinary people I will ever know. My heart aches and I just can't breathe when I think about the fact that he is just not here anymore. I sometimes envy my parents for the fact that they will be reunited with him sooner than I will. Everyone says that it takes about a year for the pain to lessen...but at times I feel that it is just getting tougher and tougher. Did this really happen??!!
Jen on May 20, 2012:
Omg Im so thankful for this article . I lost my brother in the most horrific way . He was murder 7 months ago and we just found his remain . He was my little brother I'm hurting so much , I feel like I don't want to live anymore . The pain and agony is beyond anything I ever feel before . I feel so lost . He was 24 he was murder by his friend and he still free . I'm so lost I don't want to be out I just want to be home lock up in my own world !! I will never be me ! I lost a part of me , i lost a opart of my heart , I lost a part of myself , I lost a part of my love .. I miss him so much .. Rubia8303@gmail.com
Helena on May 13, 2012:
I often come back to this site on a regular basis since my wonderful bro died in Oct 2010. Still heart broken as you all well know. I get comfort from all the postings and feel that grief can be shared and eased through this site. We will never be the same again and our sibs would be proud that we can seek comfort and express our love for them here. Bless everyone who has ever lost a sibling and know that they loved us just the same. Sad to think that so many postings are added every month, with many more not yet having happened, time does not heal, it just takes up further away from when we last saw our siblings.
Dee on May 13, 2012:
This is great of you to share! The siblings are mostly forgotten! I am the mom of my beautiful Kelly who has been gone 15 long horribly sad months now. She was 25 and her 27th birthday just passed two days ago. Colleen is my other beautiful daughter the older sister (30) of Kelly. I cannot begin to tell you my awful grief but I understand the grief of all of you! It's so horribly sad as well! I've watched Colleen fall apart for the last 15 months! No support at work or anywhere else in the daily life of the real world. Not that people don't care just that they don't seem to know to give care. If the laws of nature finish correctly Colleen will be left alone for many years after her parents die to deal with her lose we share. This makes me even more sad! Kelly is suppose to grow old with Colleen! Mow Colleen has to grow old alone! This is killing me! They even had plans for that! Kelly even just wrote in a bday card to Colleen how she looked forward to it! She cannot except Kelly being gone, nor can I because then it becomes real. We are basically stuck in time most of us living for everyone else but can't seem to move on without the one who is missing. Like we are waiting for them to return so we can go on living. Our loved ones are to be in this journey of life with us! We see no other way! Colleen misses Kelly so much! She considers Kelly her other half! I am so sorry for all of you and your great lose of your beloved sibling. Sadly there is lack of support from people who have not experienced this loss. They just don't get it but they really don't know how to understand. If they read this site it would help. I hear your pain as I read each one. None of you are alone since you are all in this together. And I understand your want and longing to have your sibling back here with you!
Shannon on May 09, 2012:
Next week will be one year since my big brother, Scotty was killed in a car accident. It is still so painful that sometimes I can barely breathe. I need a break from grieving and I know that such a break will never come. 51 weeks ago, my life completely changed and even though great things have happened since, I feel stuck in time on May 16, 2011. I don't feel closer to my other brother and sister or mom and dad. I feel like a painful reminder most of the time.
Joanna on May 09, 2012:
I lost my only brother 30 years ago, he was 6, I was 12, it's been a part of me everyday and sometimes I can manage the loss and others I still can't. I'm married have 4 sons of my own and am overwhelmed for my love for them and am so grateful for them but still I can't live as I would have done because it changed my life forever, so I feel for all those still so fresh in their loss, things do improve, they change but it never goes away. I just wish I could handle it better, I turned to comfort eating 6 months after he died as I was not allowed to mention his name or cry so food became an emotional thing not a hunger thing and my life has been dominated by my weight...'go to weightwatchers' say my friends.....since when did weightwatchers help with sibling loss?! Glad to have found this site, beautifully written article, well done.
Aimee on May 09, 2012:
This site really inspired me. I completely agree that there are not enough support systems for people who have lost a sibling. A sibling is one of your very first friends you have in your life. That is one of the most special bonds you can have with someone. I just lost my 20 year old brother about a month and a half a go. We were only a year apart and grew up together as best-friends. We had the same friends throughout life and shared a bond that I can't explain. He was tragically killed. He was shot in the neck "accidentally" by one of his best-friends. We're still not aware of all the details. Everyday is a nightmare to get through and I'm just trying to get through day to day. I would love to know of any sites, books, groups or anything that anyone has come across that has helped you cope. My email address is email@example.com. Thank you so much.
Em on May 05, 2012:
I lost my triplet brother 3 years ago just after our 33rd Birthday. We were so close, like soulmates. There is no one who could ever replace him, which makes life hard to face at times and I often think about ending my life so that I can be with him, just to feel normal again!. People under estimate the bond between siblings. I have never known life without him. Shared life experiences from fetus to adult(in my case). It's impossible to know anyone that well, we were almost telepathic. It's on a par with losing yourself. Choosing to go on means accepting a totally new life, one where there will always be a wacking great chunk of me missing.
And on May 04, 2012:
I lost my brother a year ago. 2 weeks before christmas. He was 19, I was 17. I was in the states at the time as an exchangestudent and one day i got a phone call from home(Norway) that my brother had died. He was just doing his regular work out when his heart stopped. I can relate to everything youre saying "K" cause I feel the exact same way. I have an older brother and I know he's struggeling too, but I can't seem to find comfort in anyone. Some days I feel normal, but other days I just feel helpless and none of my friends seem to understand, and in a way I hope they never will cause I dont think anyone deserve feeling this way. It breaks my heart that I'll never see him again. I just miss him so much.
Jlewis229 on May 03, 2012:
I wanted to first say THANK YOU for posting this!
I lost my brother March 14th, 2012. He was 24, I was his caregiver for the last 2 1/2 years. It's been 51 days and It hasn't gotten easier yet! I still miss him as much as I did when I held his hand as he left this world.
I feel so much of the things you talked about, specifically about parents not having as long to be reunited and we have to wait a life time. I feel like it'll be 50 or 60 years or more before I ever see him again and that is SO HARD to fathom because I just miss him so terribly! I am sobbing now writing this because just thinking of him tears me up inside. I think we all get the question of how is your parents and you think inside your head why don't you ask how I'M DOING? I was extremely close to my brother and I have a huge void in my life and it just doesn't seem to be getting better but then again it hasn't even been two months yet.
Thanks for posting this and letting others know that we are not alone in this.
Helen Jones on April 28, 2012:
I lost my brother to leaukemia in 1978 but it still hurts me deeply.He was only 11 and I was 13.My parents never told me and my twin brother that our younger brother was very ill. I returned to school the day after he died and no one said anything to me about what happened. I was devastated but received no help from anyone and I have low self esteem and confidence issues all my life. I didnt attend the funeral and I cant remember my parents asking me if I wanted to go.
I recently lost my father after a long illness and since the funeral it has reminded me all over again about missing my brother's funeral and the lack of closure. There is no memorial plaque or anything. I loved my brother so very much. He was so much more confident, funny and outgoing than me or my twin brother. Since my father died I have missed my brother even more than before.It is so hard. I totally understand people's comments on this site and empathise with them.Since my father passed away I have tried so hard to be more than a supportive daughter to my mum as I feel that I have to fill the gap of my missing brother. Obviously, I can never achieve this but it always in my mind.