So many questions run through her head daily? Why ? This is the most prevalent of questions. Why did my son become an addict? Why did this happen to him? Why did he allow this to happen to himself? Why wasn't he stronger than this? Why doesn't he get help? Why does he keep refusing treatment? Why doesn't he want to change? He was so against drugs as a teen. So many questions left unanswered. All of which will never be answered.
Excuses Not Reasons
Addicts think they have all the answers. They feel they have good reasons for using. However, all of which are just excuses. None are truly reasons to use. Her son has a variety of reasons. He lost his family. His wife cheated, and divorced him. He didn't have his son home with him daily, because there was not a family unit any more. He lost his driving privileges. He lost his job. He’s to far in debt and no end in sight to how he will pay off this debt. Endless excuses he feels are legitimate reasons to use.
Coping With The Heartache
Each time her mind wanders back to her first born son, she worries about him. When her mind begins to wander, her heart starts to pound endlessly within in her chest. While it pounds so rapidly, it feels like a stampede running through her chest. She gets a sickening feeling in the pit of her stomach. It feels like a thousand butterflies are fluttering from within her.
She tries to come to terms with her son’s addiction. It’s so hard. The tears flow daily when she thinks of him. She needs to know he’s okay. However, the call never comes. She needs to know he’s okay. Yet, the call still never comes. She needs to know he’s at least still alive. The not knowing eats away at her. It takes it’s toll on her, a little more each day. It’s slowly killing her. The ache she feels for her son because of his addiction troubles her so.
Letter From a Recovering Addict
Daily she searches the Internet for guidance on coping with his addiction. She has to come to terms with it in her own way and time. While searching she found the following letter, written by a recovering addict.
You Can't Make Me Clean
(I didn't write this, but I agree with it. Someone shared this on FB and I thought I'd pass it on.)
You can't make me clean, though I know it is what you want for me to be. But until I want it, I won't be. You can't love me clean, because until I learn to love myself, I won't be. I know you must wonder how I can learn to love myself when I am caught up in a life-style of self-hatred and self-destruction. I can learn from my own experiences. I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.
I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.
You see, although I look like and sound like your loved one. I am not. That person is in a self imposed prison way deep down inside of my being and what you see before you is an addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. The main focus of an addict is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of helping me falls prey to my addiction giving the addiction more power to shackle me down a little more each time.
I feed my addiction enough. So please don't help me.
The only way for the real me to get free is to be free. FREE to fall as far down as I need to go in order to find the strength to fight and find my way back. To break free.
How can or will I ever be able to get clean you wonder ...
The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF
By not enabling me you will be allowing me to reach "rock bottom". By trusting the process you move over and allow me to find the my own way back. You see, it is in the fight to get free that I will find myself. It is in the fight that I will learn to love myself and the more I love myself ... the more I will start to do to better myself, but I myself, must do this.
I am aware that when I use I am playing Russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance I take when I use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.
Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't reach it you are blocking me from it.
I know you love me and you only want what’s best for me ... but that very love keeps you blind sighted to just what truly is best causing you to act out of fear and from your emotions.
Please for my sake let me go and move out of the way. Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me ... as far down as I have to, to reach rock bottom. Don't try to cushion the fall. Just believe in me and trust the process. Pray for me that when I do hit ... it is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that, be sure to tell my story so that others might learn from my mistakes and live.
Prayer for Mother's of Addicts
I only hope she can find a way to deal with all the pain addiction has created for her and her family. I pray for the lost soul of her son. Prayer is the only way to cope, to deal, and one must put all faith into God's hands. Hoping he will find a way to answer all of a mother's prayers for her drug addicted son.
A Parent's Journey Through Addiction
Cindi (author) from Morgantown on February 05, 2013:
My son who was the addict is the one who gave me this letter... I'm not sure where he got it from. I wish I could help.
Wishican on January 26, 2013:
proudmamma, May I ask where you got that letter? We have a Alanon group on FB and someone posted it..I love the letter, for I have a son that has been sober 22 months and I would like to give the author credit...
Cindi (author) from Morgantown on November 18, 2012:
Thank you for the words of wisdom and encouragement. Sometimes I forget I need to take care of myself.
Cheryl from Central Illinois on November 18, 2012:
Yes being open and honest is the way it has to be. The reality is that the loved ones are the ones that have to feel the worst sometimes. Having to lie for them, make excuses, provide help when the are in a rut, co-dependency is what this is called. One thing though about addiction is silence is deadly. For your sanity for now you have to take care of you. If you ever need a friend please feel free to email me I am always here to listen.
Cindi (author) from Morgantown on November 17, 2012:
Thank you CherMyOpionion... I appreciate you taking the time to read mu hub and comment. I thank you for sharing your story with me. I use to hide my son's addiction from my friends...,,, I no longer do this..... I'm open and honest and I feel tthis is what has helped me to cope. Addiction doesn't effect just the person but the entire family unit. Thank you for sharing. God Bless!!
Cheryl from Central Illinois on November 16, 2012:
Addiction is so heartbreaking. I lost my mother to suicide over this situation and it almost cost me my own life, so I can relate and feel the pain of this story and the comments. The best way to cope with the heartbreak this brings with it, is by talking to others as well as surrounding yourself with love. Although I have felt the heat of hell from this I can bring hope of a positive outcome. Three years ago I got a second chance at life!
Cindi (author) from Morgantown on June 21, 2012:
My heart breaks..... your story is similar to so many of us parents of addicts. There is no textbook, no right or wrong way to handle it when it comes to drugs. I've tried for so many years with my oldest son. It had to be his rock bottom. He refused all rehabs... He was arrested on January 1st spend time in jail and is now on home confinement in my home awaiting indictments. He has been clean since January 18. Drug addiction... is something they will fight for the rest of their lives. They have to decide to fight their demons on their own. As much as it breaks our hearts, we can't do it for them. It has to be them. I've cried many a tear of the last several years. My son also has a child..... a 4 year old son. He has only seen him twice in 7 months. He loves him dearly, but so much has happened and they live a distance from us. Tell him you are proud of him.... tell him you love him.... and tell him you support him.... just didn't always approve of the choices he made throughout his life. That's what I have always told my son. I would always love him, but I didn't approve of the choices he made. Best of luck to you. I pray he continues the steps after rehab.
novatogail on June 19, 2012:
Thank you ,I shared this my daughter-in-law she to has become a mother to my son. here is my story...
My son is now 5 days in a rehab in California he is 30. I live in Oregon. My son has been drinking and using drugs of some sort since he was in his early teens. I divorced his father when my son was about 2, his father was a drug alcohol addict , I wanted to get my then two sons away from the insanity. My ex eventually went thru with rehab but stayed very distant and only wanted to be a buddy to his sons.
My son started MIPs till he turned 21 then started the DUII’s. He didn’t have a drivers license again till he was 28. Jail , ankle bracelets, breath machines in car, totaling at least five cars . He moved to Calif when he was 19 got a great job found a wife and eventually my two granddaughters.
His wife left him 4 months ago and the addictions started to get worse or just came to light. He was arrested for felony drugs cocaine one week after his wife left, but she now tells me she found pipes and not for weed in his belongings as well as him moving into the garage. The four months were filled with calls from him telling me that it was all because of what I did to him as a child and then into screams that were not even recognizable. His father said not to intervene he had to hit bottom, every day not knowing if he was dead or alive. Then the call he was arrested again felony meth. His wife is divorcing him and will not let him see his 2 and 4 year old daughters until he goes thru rehab.
That brings me to today, he is in rehab , something I’ve prayed for for 16 years. But what can I do I want to write to him but I don’t want to say the wrong thing. Rehab might work but he might be doing it for selfish reasons instead of getting well.Any advice would be appreciated Gail
Cindi (author) from Morgantown on April 15, 2012:
God Bless you skye2day on your recovery and your courage! Thank you so much for your prayers. My son is in jail awaiting a hearing for bond re-instatement. He has been 3+ months clean due to being in jail. I'm praying he will continue on the right path once he is released. He will have guidelines to adhere to for his bond. If he doesn't , it would mean he would be going back. Praying for the best. Thank you so much for the prayers and encouraging words. Take care and love ya.
skye2day from Rocky Mountains on April 15, 2012:
proudmama I saw the title of your hub. I was going to sign out. The Holy Spirit prompted me to come over. Your heart felt hub takes much courage. You have courage proud mama. I know about addiction I am recovering. Many years now I have been delivered, Praise to God. My heart goes to you. I have lifted you and your son and family in prayer. God knows and understands you more then any. Jesus can wipe the tears and make you whole again. The enemy only comes to steal, kill destroy. Jesus came for sinners. He saved a wretched one as me. Jesus loves your son. I am praying for Him. Addiction is a family illness and wipes one out like a tornado! There is one greater Jesus Christ. He loves you proudmama. I believe He is going to answer your plea for your son. Love never fails keep loving, do not loose hope. God is working on your sons heart, I just feel it inside of my being. I see your last comment was three weeks ago. You are hanging in there. Keep going proudmama. You are loved by a huge God. He can turn all things for the good for those that love Him. Written in love in Christ Jesus. Your sister. Sending a hug along the way. Joined your club proudmama. I will return. Love ya.
Cindi (author) from Morgantown on March 22, 2012:
Thank you Becky for taking time to read my hub. Thanks for sharing, it's hard being the mother of an addict. I'm so happy your son is clean. Addiction is a life-long battle....they will always have to fight their cravings......even if they are clean. God Bless!
Becky Katz from Hereford, AZ on March 22, 2012:
I sent my son to jail because of his addiction. He kept stealing from us, lying about it and saying he wasn't using. We got fed up and called the police to come get him. They put him in jail for probation violation and he was in solitary for 2 months. This was the bottom for him and he is now clean. He does not understand why we still worry about him going back. Probably because so many do. Blessings.
Cindi (author) from Morgantown on January 05, 2012:
Thank you knedracoates for the comment and the kind words. My son's addiction has broke my heart, so that's where I write from....the heart. I appreciate you taking time to read my hub. Thank you for sharing! I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong!
kendracoates from Michigan on January 04, 2012:
Wow, as a recovering addict I found this hub amazing and very deep. I wrote a good bye letter to my drug of choice but I have never read a letter like the one on your hub. Great job and keep sharing I enjoyed it :D
ThroughGlass from London on December 12, 2011:
I hope that eventually his son is the one person that does eventually save him! Only time will tell, only he will be able to really heal himself.
When an addict gets so sucked into an addiction you've lost the person, they've lost the person, that you all knew. You no longer know who your son is, and he no longer knows himself. All he really knows is that, it will be whatever it takes to get high. He has no regard for feelings of other's nor does he realize the love he has inside of him for his son, and for his family. Drugs have numbed his empathy, his feelings, his life. His 'excuses' have become him, and unfortunately they have sucked him in. Begging wont do, offering wont do, hitting rock bottom will do.
He has to WANT help, and he will have to come to you, some do.. Some never find their way out. We fear their bottom is death, and ultimately most know that, that could become a terrifying reality.
I'm sure he does not want to be where he is, deep down somewhere in there, under the numb feelings he feels trapped inside of himself. I know he thinks, there's no way out.
He's unfortunately not teaching his child anything good, and that's no acceptable, he's the role model he is the parent. Children learn by seeing and doing, and perhaps as heartbreaking and devastating as I know this is, maybe it's better he gets limited time with his son.
You can't love a walking drug.
Cindi (author) from Morgantown on December 12, 2011:
ThroughGlass thank you for taking time to read my hub and commenting. It truly is heartbreaking. I was in denial for the longest time. However, as months have turned into years, I'm no longer in denial.
I had hoped rock bottom would have come by now. I can't imagine the life he's leading...he lives over an hour away from me. I usually see him every two to three months. I had hoped the love he has for his son, who turns four on the thirteenth, would have snapped him back into reality.
ThroughGlass from London on December 12, 2011:
I'm so very sorry this is happening to you, it's honestly a mother's worse nightmare isn't it!?
I could never imagine this happening to my child, and yet i feel like I have no control if it does, I can't follow them to school, and choose their friends, I can't sit in the shadows at a party and stop them from sipping that drink, or taking a puff of that joint. I can't follow them on dates, where they may sneak away to get high.
It's something that's not in our control. It's in the control of the child/the addict themselves. It's not something that will go away, and all we can do is warn them, protect them in home, and hope they make the right choices as they grow.
You can't help an addict, they need to help themselves, they need to hit bottom in order to climb their way back up, as sad and pathetic as they are, and their addiction has become, it has become 'who they are'. They chose the life path they are on, that never goes anywhere but down ..
It hurts, and it's heartbreaking. When all you can do is sit by and worry, wonder, and question why why why. Has this happened to me, to my family, to my friend.
It's going to be okay, and I hope more than anything, he recovers, and he finds his way back to you and your family.
I wont say good luck, as it doesn't really apply, but stay strong, and hold on.
Cindi (author) from Morgantown on November 15, 2011:
Thank you for the read. I appreciate the words of encouragement. Still praying for him daily.
rochelj from USA on November 15, 2011:
It must be so heartrending to have a child with a drug addiction. Good luck, i hope things work out.
Cindi (author) from Morgantown on November 03, 2011:
Thank you for stopping by to take a read of my hub. My heart goes out to you and your wife. Addiction is destructive on so many levels....on the addict and the addict's family. Believe me, I know the torment it creates in a person's life. This hub is me...and my first born son. Tormented daily....I continue to fight the dark horror daily of wondering why? I continue waiting for a call...just to hear his voice.
Praying for help for his lost soul...just hoping he will see the light to change before it's too late. God Bless and thank you for the comment.
Rev Bruce S Noll HMN from Asheville NC on November 03, 2011:
Thanks for writing this hub and bringing a ray of light to people who are forced to deal with this issue.
My wife and I nearly lost one of our sons on many occasions and the fight to keep him alive physically and spiritually may never end. That's the nature of additive personalities, and it doesn't matter what the vehicle of choice is; drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, food, you name it.
The letter writer is correct, in my opinion. The addiction can only be overcome by the addicted. However, we must never, never, never stop loving them and almost always that means letting them go. Surrender is always the most difficult thing to do, especially for your child.
My heart goes out to all those who experience this. I can say from personal experience though, that there is life after any event and it is a choice as to whether you want to move on, no matter what happens!
Peace be with you all!
Cindi (author) from Morgantown on October 17, 2011:
@ stayinglalivemoma So sorry for the loss of your Uncle, and you never getting to know the real man he could have been. The hardest part is when you know the type of person they were and the destruction it has caused in their life. It tears me apart. Thanks again for the read.
Valerie Washington from Tempe, Arizona on October 17, 2011:
Thanks so much for sharing this. My uncle had a drug and alcohol addiction. He died from it many years ago. But I still think bac and wonder what kind of person he was. I feel like I missed out on getting to know him. He was always high or drunk when I saw him. God bless you!!
Cindi (author) from Morgantown on September 20, 2011:
@ Capric222 so sorry for your and your daughter's loss. It's hard watching someone you love destroy themselves. Thanks for taking the time to read my hub. Thank you for sharing and for the comment.
Capric222 on September 19, 2011:
Thanks for sharing this with us. I found that with the person I lost from this problem it was that he was trying to find himself somewhere in this world. I think he was depressed and tried to make himself feel better any way that he could. Unfortunately, my daughter no longer has a father. I was remarried and not with him, but I cared about him tremendously. My heart ached for him, because I knew who he was....a wonderful person. But, for some reason, he couldn't see that. Once again, thank you for sharing! This is a wonderful hub!
Cindi (author) from Morgantown on September 17, 2011:
@ tammyfrost thanks for the read.
Tammy Winters from Oregon on September 17, 2011: