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Bipolar Disorder: My Monster just wants to have fun!


This morning I woke up at 4 am and since I didn't go to sleep until 2am, I knew I was in trouble. I got up and checked my hubscore and articles. I made breakfast and covered it so it would stay warm until my husband and son got up. I tried to write a new hub but I was restless and couldn't sit still long enough. I got up from my desk and wandered around the apartment to see what I could do. I couldn't find anything that held my interest for more than a few minutes, not even the new book my friend had sent me. I wanted to talk to somebody but everyone was still sleeping. Everyone that is except me and my monster(Bipolar Disorder.

I finally figured out that this was going to be an "Up" day. I knew I wouldn't get much done. I finally called my mom at 5:30, she wasn't awake but got up to talk to me anyway. She knew by the time that I was going to have a very long day. "Take your meds sweetie" she said. Hoping they would calm down my monster and maybe I would let her go to sleep again. I talked to her for about 2 hours, until I heard the newspaper hit the door. Okay time to go, it would hold my attention for about 20 minutes, good thing I am a fast reader.

I try to start a new hub but I can't focus on the subject. "Come on " my monster says. He doesn't want to work today he just wants to have fun. Fun?? Every time I have fun with him I wind up in trouble later. I am statrting to get irritable and frustrated. I can't find anything to do. HMMM lets look online theres always something there. We decide to do some online shopping. Shampoo and conditioning set that makes your hair more full and shiny $ 285.00, its okay I can put it on the credit card. After all it is a special that has some more stuff free with it, and I really do need it. A wrinkle creme set that promises to take 10 years off your face instantly, I need that too $125.00 for a free 30 day trial. Tuesday is my birthday and since I will be 49 I will probally get wrinkles though I have none now. A few bookclubs and some more bath and body stuff and we're tired of shopping. Not too bad, a grand total of $565.00, but its on the credit card so It will be okay.

Finally my son gets up. He is eight and has his own monster that was supposedly inherited from me. See the Bipolar monster likes to stay in families. I guess it gives him more people to play with. I also have to daughters who are in the same fix. I can tell from my sons mood and hyper-activity that he is definitely up today also. I get aggravated when he starts to run around and is continously chattering away. "Don't you ever stop?" I ask. "I can't mommy I'm like you." he replies. I am starting to become agitated. He scampers off to his room to avoid my temper tanturms. He proceeds to take the room apart, I just had him clean it yesterday.

I keep hoping the meds will kick in and my monster will get tired. I know better. This will last for days. Luckily I am what is called a rapid cycler. My mood can change many times during the day and within minutes. My doctor says it is the hardest type of bipolar disorder to treat. That added to mixed states where you have a mixture of hypo-mania and depression makes for a very unstable condition. Between periods of irritability, anger, saddness and unabounded energy, I still hope to come down at least a little. I walk through the house, last nights dishes are still in the sink, the bed is unmade and the carpet is unvacumed. All of this energy but it is all uncontained. I can't seem to accomplish anything, I start things but don't finish them, I call people on the phone, and just keep going and going. Even the sedatives I take for anxiety don't slow things down. My monster wants to play.

I call my husband at work and want him to leave his job and come home so I won't be alone with my monster. He quietly explains for the ten thousandth time he can't leave every time I am having a hard day. I not so quietly tell him if he really loved me he would. He has come to know and accept my ups and downs as part of our life. He already knows when a person is hypo-manic they are not the friendliest person in the world to associate with. He calls back later to check on me and tell me he is coming to take me to the library to buy books for my upcoming birthday. My monster is very happy with this idea, he loves to socialize. I realize I haven't made lunch or breakfast for my son. During periods of hypo-mania or mania a person often forgets to eat, needs very little sleep and can continue this way until exhausted. Even when you are able to lie still for a while you don't rest, you're mind is still going 100 miles an hour.

I finally remember my training and the advice I give to those who attend my support groups. I try some relaxation techniques. Deep breathing and meditation, quieting the mind and imagery. It seem to be helping some even if the meditation is not going well because my thoughts are still racing. "Settle down, Settle down" I keep repeating to myself. My monster only laughs in response. He knows the things I do will slow him down but not much. He wont stop until he is tired and then the black clouds move in again.

Well it's the next day. I never did get anything done yesterday. The house is stll a mess, the dishes are still in the sink, and I never did cook. My husband gave up and bought tacos coming from the library. Oh yeah, the trip to the library was great. My friend who usually works there wasn.t there. I spent 30 minutes complaining to the poor guy working about how small the boxes were an how I couldn't find any books I liked. Then in about 20 minutes I had managed to stuff my "too small" box with about 45 book of all types. You only pay $ 6.50 for all the books you can fit in the box, so its really a good deal. You can can even take your own box if you want a bigger one. I tried to read but couldn't concentrate so I put my books in neat little stacks on the floor according to category, politics, sociology and all the other possible combinations.

Today I am more calm and settled and so I am trying to finish what I statrted. My monster is still there but not bothering me right now, maybe he's tired too. I know he's still in the back ground but lucky for me it looks like today may be a little slower. This is the time when I can write forever or read, or clean. For a person with bipolar disorder the periods of hypo-mania are when we are very active but able to fuction at a highly productive speed. The full blown mania in which the person can do things that are destructive in the end. Mania often results in spending sprees like the one me and my monster took yesterday. I don't think he cares that the credit card bill has to be paid, that my husband will be furious when we get the bill, and that I really don't have the money to buy $ 200.00 dollar shampoo sets or 10 shirts that are different in color. After periods such as these I often have to make ammends for the way I have treated people or try to repair relationships with friends with whom I have offended. Funny I notice that my monster is not around to help me in these things.

I had better get moving, I am starting to feel anxious and a little restless and I know what that means. It doesn' t matter matter that I have a million things to get done. My monster doesn't care, my monster just wants to have fun.

To my readers: This article is meant to be humorous but also informative. It is meant to show the difficulty a person with Bipolar illiness faces day to day. I refer to it as my monster because at times it has cost me friendships, relationships, and job opportunities. It has caused me financial problems from excessive shopping sprees, it has caused me many days of pain. At the same time it is my friend and I am able to keep him under control most of the time. He makes me creative, reading, painting, sculpting and hopefully in my writing. But on days like yesterday he just wants to play.

Irritability in Bipolar Disorder

I saw my doctor yesterday. I was enthusiastic, very up and exicted to tell him about my latest endevours into the writing world. I happily showed him printed articles I had completed. I was happy floating in my own little world.

Everything was perfect to me. I was finally achieving my dream. I was glad to know the cloud of darkness I had been feeling the past three days was gone. replaced by, oh yes, that wonderful euphoria of hypomania. I had a good time all day. I was in a good mood, cleaned the house, did laundry, got in a few articles though I don't know how good they were. I filled my perscriptions, walked home and the day past fairly rapidly. By 2 am I was exhausted physically but my mind didn't let me sleep. I stayed up researching more articles.

My doctor attributes the change to the weather, SAD he calls it, seasonal affective disorder. Many people with bipolar disorder often have this condition. The days when it is cloudy, dark or cold as in the winter months, so is our moods. Only to be replaced by this magical energy and enthusiasim for life when the sun returns.

I don't care what its called. I just wish it would stay forever. The feeling is almost like falling in love , drunken, lost in the happiness of the moment. I enjoy what I call my free days, the days with no depression, no saddness, just unaboundable joy. For no reason other than living.... a feeling of complete and utter excasty.

But in the back of my mind i can hear the dark clouds calling... see you soon they say, and I know true to their word they'll be back. I can already feel the signs of irritability of too much energy, too many projects....I don't want to go.

Tonight I can't sleep

 Everyone else is asleep, sound in their beds. I look in on them, they don't even notice. They are snuggled uner the blankets, safe from the cold.

I am the only one still awake. Tonight I can't sleep. My mind is racing too fast, I write and write. The TV plays in the background but it doesn't hold my attention long either. I keep writing, correcting typos as I go. I am still trying to complete the article i started three days ago. It is supposed to snow tomorrow. It is already cold and my fingers are cold. I wish I could close my eyes and sleep, but rest doesn't come. Even the medications they give me to sleep can't over power the feelings of restlessness and energy that envelop me.

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I will lie down in awhile and try to read to see if it makes me sleep. I doubt it. When I am in this mood it is impossible for my mind to rest. I feel wound up, stressed, and most of all alone. It is a lonely part of my life , up most of the night by myself trying to accomplish I don't know what. A million things go my mind about everyone. Who is really for me, who is really against me? This one of the bad days.... cold, dreary and dark. No one to talk to, no one to listen.

I give up, my body is tired but my mind just keeps going.

Who says winter is beautiful?

 As the days get colder and darker and night falls faster, I can feel the saddness and dreariness creeping in. As a person with manic-depressive illness, I also suffer from (SAD) that's short for seasonal affective disorder. In the winter my moods come and go like the forecast. If it is cold and dark, so am I. As the actual nights get longer so does my periods of irritibility and saddness. The darkness brings its own blanket of depression and desperation.

My son who is 8 loves the snow. Excited at the first sprinkling of snow this year, he awakes me to have me look out the window. "Mom it's beautiful, I love the snow." I manage some phrase that will make him happy. He is also manic depressive but does not appear to be affected by (SAD). Maybe he just didn't inherit it or maybe children and snow just go together naturally.

Almost a week passed without me writing anything more than sad poetry while tears ran down my face. This morning is a little brighter outside and me and I have been up since 2:30 am writing. Trying my best to make up for lost time. Reading was impossible, I couldn't concentrate enough to remember what I read. Checking to see how my articles were doing I was surprised to find them doing well despite the fact it had been days since I had published anything.

It was still snowing mixed with rain as I left to pick up my son from school. Still excited by the sprinkle of snow, he runs along ahead, chiming away"Look Mommy it's beautiful" his face and nose rosy from the cold. Beautiful!!!

Beautiful.... I mumble. Who ever said winter is beautiful??

But watching his childlike innocence , I hope he can retain his feeling of enthusiasim at seeing snow fall even little sprinkles, watching an icicle melt and decorating our tree.

I hope he never feels the saddness , loss of hope and sense of loneliness I feel at this moment. For now my only enjoyment is watching my son enjoy the things that I used to before the monster came to live with me.

Today I am fed up

 Today everything bothers me. I am not in a good mood. Everyone and everything gets on my nerves. It is 1 am and I am in a creative mood so I am writing. My day was hell,  even though I didn't get a lot done, I could not control the energy that was spinning around me. I had so many ideas but nothing worked out. Tomorrow the articles I wrote need to be edited because when I am like this I am very productive but I have typos from going so fast. I probally wont sleep all night. This can last for days until I am exhausted and have to lay down. But my mind doesn't sleep. When I am in this stage I am not the best person to be around. Everything and everyone bothers me. I feel desolate and alone, yet I don't want to be around anyone. Thoughts fill my head so fast I can't process them. The little blue arrows on my articles annoy me, truthfully, anything bothers me. My writers score has dropped 3 points and that bothers me. this what is referred to as hypomanic irtiability, when nothing or anyone can make you happy but you can't slow down. My monster is happy, he's not tired like me. My body is exhausted but my mind is still going 90 miles an hour. Please excuse any typos until I have the chance to edit them. For now I just need to write.


Moods Ane Maddness

I guess you can tell by now this is a day by few days jousnal. Sometimes I am able to write, sometimes not. The days I can't I try to squeeze in a few poems.

Today I woke up feeling angry and tired and slept most of the day. My doctor came by and told me my oxygen saturation was too low and my heart rate too fast. I might need open herat surgery. To top it off the opthlamlogsit sent me a letter saying I am losing my vision. I took a pain pill and even thought I wasn't in pain, it stopped the pain in my heart, and I went back to sleep. That was about 1pm and I just woke up at around 6:40 pm. Still angry. The person I live with doesn't see it as a big deal. "Don't worry I'll take care of you. HAHA! How much do you want to bet that when my disability check stops, he's gone. To worried about his ex. She has to get her legs cut off, so he says. I've heard that for about 5 years. She's always dying and in the hospital. That's her excuse for not praying the court ordered child support. Her check is three times what mine is. I get a puny $536.00 a month and support all three of us on it. Begging at the churches when I have too. I am sorry about this rant but I am manic and scared and have no family or anyone to turn too. maybe tomorrow will be better.

Please pray for me. I don't like feeling this anger or resentment.

Photos of life before and after Bipolar Disorder

Me and one of the Heads of NAMI,   National Alliance on Mental Illness/Convention 2006

Me and one of the Heads of NAMI, National Alliance on Mental Illness/Convention 2006

NAMI National Convention in San Antonio, Texas 2006

NAMI National Convention in San Antonio, Texas 2006

Life before my monster came to live with me. Even then I was suffering severe mood swings.

Life before my monster came to live with me. Even then I was suffering severe mood swings.

Me when employed as a Translator/Interpreter for the court before becoming ill 2000

Me when employed as a Translator/Interpreter for the court before becoming ill 2000

Another one of those days

 I woke up at 5:30 this morning, the heart and oxygen saturation machine still attached to my finger. Unable to sleep I got up and tried to be nice though that is not exactly what I feel. it went unappreciated as usual. My monster is getting the best of me, I am unable to keep control of my feelings and the emotions. The moods are rapid and violent. The few times I have been tearful was in anger. Tears of rage. Tears of a loss of self-control. When I feel this way it is better that I am alone. My son is at school until three and my partner will hopefully be gone all night. I don't want anyone around me. I have a doctors appointment at 11:00. Maybe I will feel better then. For now I will try to focus on writing.

It's almost Christmas

 Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Wonderful. Today I woke up late, 7am is late for me. My head and body felt heavy. I didn't want to move. It's raining outside and getting cold. I don't have any energy and just want to bundle under the blanket and hibernate. This makes two days I am paralyzed by what is called the "Depressive State."  This includes not being able to sleep or sleeping too much, no appetite, dead creativity, and my next best friend irritiability. The only good thing is your to tired to argue or bite off anyones head. I couldn't write so I just read everyone elses articles and tried to leave comments and holiday greetings. I put the turkey in the sink and laid back down. It was a long day. my son of 8 and his monster are going 90 miles an hour. Oh well let him tear down the house, at least that way I won't have to clean it. It's 7 pm and I'm tired and sleepy. Goodnight monster, see ya tomorrow.

The Depressive Drought

 It has been about 3 weeks since I have published a hub. I am in what the doctors call the depressive phase of bipolar disorder. It is a period of very little activity, crying spells, inability to function and even personal hygeine requires the assistance of my home health aid. I try to read or write articles, I see the words but Its like they are out of focus, I look at them but am unable to put them together into anything that makes any sense. I see my writers score go up and down but can't find energy to move , my body feels heavy, tired, I want to sleep, forever. I have a stack of books on the coffe table i mean to read but one or two pages into the story I fall asleep again. it is not uncommon for a person in this phase to sleep 20-24 hours for days at a time. About a week before this hit I enrolled in the university to finish my last 18 credit hours for my masters degree as a crime scene investigator, now I am three weeks behind in my school work but, can't even lift my head. I was one year away from being an attorney when i was diagnosed with manic-depressive illness and had to change my major from a Juris Doctorate in Law to a masters degree. You can not practice law if you have bipolar disorder since on the days you are up you may be so far up you don't even know who you are. But I am determined to stay in the field i love and most of the forensic work is done on the computer. I guess I should be grateful for the disabilities Act which allows the university to allow me time to work at my own pace so i can catch up. I am grateful for the fans i have and that they have kept my score up by reading what i have already written and leaving me comments and asking about how i am doing. Okay so now i am going to try to publish a hub on the death penalty that i managed to get onto paper and hopefully can put all my facts together and it will come out well.

Please excuse the grammer and spelling if it is off. It is almost impossible to focus during this phase which can last from weeks to months.


Two months later

 Today I spent all day trying to answer all my comments ( sorry if I missed any) nad read hubs from my followers that have kept me going during thid difficult period. I have found if i take one day a week to do this it helps me keep up with my fans and still leaves me time to write. It is difficult as my mind bounces from one thing to another. But I made myself sit here and finish. I hope I didn't leave anyone out, if I did I didn't mean too. In the winter the depressive episodes last longer, even though I am a rapid cycler the environment hits me like a ton of bricks. Even if I am up, I am irritable and short on temper and patience. I can only imagine what its like to live with me. I appreciate hearing from everyone, please realize it's a process I must go through and in this satge it is slow.

God Bless and keep us all!!



Please Monster I don't want to play today


Hi monster, thanks for your company

Me and my monster woke up very early today...5am to be exact. today is Jen's funeral, I can't be there. I don't deal with death and dying too well. I am a little on the upside today, I managed to get three articles in last night. Boy am I glad to see you after a few weeks of the black depression that envelopes me when you are sleeping and I am paralyzed by inability. The feel of you lifting me up higher and higher feels wonderful. I even drank 8 cheladas today...yeah..yeah.. I know I'm not supossed to drink but you will take care of me right. The crisis team had to come out for a vist because I was a little suicidal, but I escaped the hospital. Talked my way out of it smooth...I've gotten good at telling them exactly what they want to hear. hell i'm not letting them tranquilze me and ruin my high, especially after the low I just came up from.  Smoked two packs of cigarrettes and listened to music all day. Even danced to a video and sang for awhile. I knew you would come and get me...I knew it. Well it's almost 8 pm and I am still flying. I wish people would leave comments on my hubs so I know if they make sense to anybody but me. I love writing but sometimes like now I'm not sure anybody knows what I'm talking about. I watch my score go up and down...funny like me. My roommate says i'm a real bitch today but I think i just don't take any shit from anybody. well gotta go for now will probally be back to visit later.

Another Day on The Rollercoaster

 Damn Monster, why do you do this to me? I was irritable from the time I went to bed last night till the time I woke up this morning. Everything aggravates me . I don't have the strength to get out of bed but I have a million things to do. I have to clean my closet which collapsed from the weight of the clothes added by my last spending spree, they have laying on the floor of the closet for wo months now. The dishes have been soaking for 4 days and I need to vacum the floors after the past two weeks.

I don't mind the highs, they are a relief from the dark depression I have been sunk in for the past two months.

My Monster Likes to Smoke

 Hi monster... me and you are in big trouble my friend. I am sick and I have to stop smoking. I know you like to smoke...especially when we are up and having a good time. You see where our good times has gotten me. You and me have to slow down. When I am too excited I smoke and its always your fault. I notice you haven't been around since i've been sick or maybe your just being nice and keeping quite, or maybe letting me suffer in silence alone. Whatever the case I have a week without smoking ...going on the second week. Please don't give me a hard time.


 Today wasn't so great. I was depressed and slept most of the day. the rest of the days I didn't have the enrgy to do anything...not even bathe or wash my hair. My monster wasn't around today maybe not in the mood to pick me up and play since I can't smoke anymore. I played sick so no one would come and visit me. I don't feel like talking or listening. I just want to be left alone. I wonder how long this episode will last before I soar up above the clouds again and can smile again. Nestled in the sweet soft cocoon of my comforter I just want the world to go away. The days I need the monster around he's never there ...when  I need him to stay away, there he is wreaking havoc. I wish i could be NORMAL...whatever that is.


Today was hard

 Today was not an easy day. I was irritable and aggravated at everything and everybody. I am trying to edit my hubs and make them more readable . I guess a lot of people don't understand them. I really don't know. I have been in a deep depression since the COPD diagnosis. I'm a little a lot scared. My monster woke up today but I guess he was as depressed as me...we were both down. I slept until 3pm... got up and wandered around the house. I haven't eaten for two weeks. The oxygen helps but I know it can't fix the damage I have done. My thoughts are so scrambled.. My doctoe thinks I am okay and dealing with it well. The truth is I don't know if I want to live like this...

Aggravated, irritated, leave me the hell alone

 This past week I have been irritable, grouchy and plain out bitchy. I don't know why. Just a swing I'm going through, everything bothers me. Everything grates on my nerves. No one or nothing can please me. I am tired, I am fed up. I want to jump off the the top of the building, or smoke and blow myself up with oxygen.

This Past Month

 This past month has been a sheer hell. I am tired, worn-out, and just plain out of it. I have been heavily sedated and so many doctors and nurses in and out of my house that it feels like a hospital. I don't remember what happened. it's all a blur. This hasn't happened for a long time. I am sad, cry all the time and just don't see too far into the future right now. My body is finally awake but my mind is still asleep. You dear monster don't seem to hang around during these down and out times, I could really use some of your energy and a little ( no actually a lot of the fun and energy you bring with you) even if I have to pay the consequences later. i bought a house this past week...yeah, a house. I remember that I liked the rose bush. I don't even remember what color the damn house is. I do know that i pawned my computer so i couldn't write yet i now have a 800.00 dollar house payment to pay on a 533.00 disability check. I wonder if insanity would be a better word than "bipolar disorder"? This is probally the longest I have lasted in the depressive state. i usually cycle really fast. I am sorry about the spelling... I just need to get something out there. I don't feel like seeing anyone or talking to anyone, yet at the same time i don't want to be isolated. I try praying but  can't find the words or the faith. I borrowed this laptop to be able to write but now I have no idea what to write about. My wonderful monster friend is inhibernation or hiding ...who knows. Well i have to go now and try to fix the mess i have made this past month.

A Few Months Later

 The past few months have been hard for me, major depression so dark I couldn't function, an emptiness I can't seem to fill. I haven't written anything for about 3-4 months. Nothing was there...just darkness. My doctor says its normal in persons with bipolar disoder in the winter months, but I have had some very good winters. I'm tired, I'm weary...i just want to sleep all day. I can't think of anything to write even if it slapped me in the face. Thank God for my readers who keep reading and therefore keep me with a nice score...I don't know what I would feel if I bottomed out. I have slacked off on my job at the CURE ORGANIZATION and just don't have the energy to do anything. relationships suck and I just want to sleep it all away...kinda like the bears that hibernate in the winter.

A year and a half later

Well Mr, Monster you really got me good this past year and a half. I have been home bound, mostly bed-ridden and extremely depressed. I haven't wrote a hub or even edited the ones me and you wrote when we were having so much fun together. This is the longest you have ever stayed away and left me stranded and alone. it is during these times I miss your company.

I was so glad to feel your presence coming back today I am not even mad at you for all the trouble you have gotten me in before. I know you're there, I can sense it. Come on monster i missed you. I want to play.

About Last Night

Well my dear monster friend you really did it last night. When I said I wanted to play i did not mean

staying up until 5:30 am then having to get up at 7 am. Yes I got a lot done. I edited a lot of my older hubs but I couldn't sleep and I still can't sleep. Do you realize how much I have to get done today nah you don't cause you're still up and ready to go and i am drooping but not sleepy. See what i mean about you? Every time I play with you I get in trouble.

But it's so nice to see you again after such a very long down time. come on let's go play.

Three Years Later: The Aftermath

The past three years have been like living in hell. It has been like a rollercoaster ride that never ends. It has been a series of way to high or crushing lows. Medication changes, losing love ones and a fog I just can't find my way out of.

All in all it has three of the most non-productive years of my life and the most destructive. I have to get absolutely nothing done and managed to destroy friendships, myself and anything else in my life.

The depression was so low I became homebound. I could not even do the simplest things such as bathe myself, brush my hair and even dress myself. I had a home health aide that cleaned because I couldn't. I spent most of the past three years in bed or starting projects that are still just lying around unfinished. I have not written in three years either.

I have lost friends because I don't want to do anything. It's hard to hang around with someone who doesn't want to do anything. They don't call anymore except on occasion. A Facebook message or a messenger is about what my social life is limited to. Sometimes when I'm in the manic stage I send a text that makes no sense maybe out right rude. In the depressive stage I usually just respond " just leave me alone".

I keep the doors closed and the curtains and don't answer the phone. I often put my phone on silent. I feel like shutting out the world and staying in my own little bubble. I went on spending sprees buying 250.00 dollars in makeup just to have it because I don't have the energy or desire to dress up. Buying clothes that are strewn around the room price tags on them. On rare occasions, I do dress up, do my hair and face but still don't go anywhere. I lost my mother to cancer in April which added to the desperation and darkness that surrounds me.

I stopped smoking and replaced it with drinking. Two quarts at seven thirty or eight in the morning. The effects of this roller coaster ride has been devastating. Some of the damage has been irreversible. Still taking therapy but not learning much. Just tell them what they want to hear so they will just leave me alone.

Finally yesterday I felt the high coming on and started writing and drawing. I hope it lasts for a few months. The loneliness and hopelessness has lifted at least for now.

The aftermath of manic-depressive illness can be destructive, sad, and often like a up and down that never stops. The hardest thing is when you can't even manage to move and someone says snap out of it. I wish it were that easy. Yes, the highs are exhilarating but the price you pay for them can be a lot more costly in terms of relationships, finances and other parts of your life.

For today I am managing and pray I will have the strength to continue on. For today I am blessed.

August 9, 2017 Thank you God my monster is back.

Today is the third day I have been in the hypomanic stage. Got up at 5 am to write and update hubs.Woke up couldn't sleep even with valium and trazodone. Gave up and starting writing and updating hubs. fell asleep again for an hour and here we go again.

2 quarts at 8 am. yes I know its bad but I can't live with no life. I don't want to take meds that are going to take away my creativity, my happiness and make me forget everything. I want to feel normal again but I have no idea what that is.

Back on track

Well, thank God for miracles. I have stopped the 2 quarts a day after falling and breaking 4 ribs and getting a concussion. Now I am bed bound for 3-4 months, maybe 6 until they heal and the pain is excruciating. The fact that I could have seriously hurt myself didn't become obvious to me until a week later after the fog of medication had worn off.

Yes, Mr. monster we sure were having fun until we fell and crashed.

In the manic phase, you often take things to extremes and if not careful or have someone to look after you can seriously injure yourself or others. I try to stay to myself and write, draw, paint or read. I can be aggressive for no reason that is apparent so this works best for me, but, everyone is different.

This disease can be treacherous and dangerous. Those of us afflicted with it are rectulant to take our medications in this stage because we love the exhilaration we feel, especially after coming out of a depressive stage. I am now taking the meds again since the fall and though they bring me down to a kind of in the middle stage it's okay. At least I am not drinking now. My monster has calmed down with the meds and being bed ridden is no fun but gives me the chance to write a few hubs and update others.

Well, I am going to write a hub on Borderline personality disorder since being diagnosed with it. It really also explains a lot of the behaviors I exhibit.

Wishing you all the best.

Me after the break now a ESL Teacher for kids in China .

Me after the break now a ESL Teacher for kids in China .

The Break

Hello monster it has been a long while. I dont appreciate what you did to me. It was all fun and games to you but for me it was a living hell. I spent months not being able to function, not bathe myself, not feed myself, not any semblance of being a person, a human being. There was nothing I was living in a void. It got so dark i could not find my way out to the light again. But finally after two years, here I am big as shit living life and loving it !

So what happened? I don't really remember. I just remember it being very bad. I think it may have started with mixing my meds and drinking or maybe when I stopped taking the meds altogether. I'm not really sure. I do remember getting drunk every single day and I mean falling down drunk. Going to 7-11 at 7 am to buy 4 quarts of cheap beer in my pajamas. I had been sober a year and had stopped smoking 5 years ago. They kinda go together I guess because when I picked up the drink again I automatically picked up the vape pen again. My health which had steadily improved over the past 3 years was now again in a great and steady decline.

Oh yes my friend there were some fun parts like spending thousands on clothes, makeup and new computers. I bought so many clothes my husband had to build another big closet. So much makeup it covers all the dresser tops and getting so many credit cards I am deeply in debt now. These were the fun parts well except for the part where I was so manic and drunk and manic at the same time and had a visit from my counselor.

Things with my family also went down hill. I have managed to alienate my children after working so hard to fix the relationship. I am now trying to repair it again thought its hard to do when they are not speaking to you. Luckily my husband loves me and puts up with my shit even though he has his own issues to deal with. i started fights with my kids, with my brothers and sisters anybody. hell i even fight with the people on TV.

But after a lot of therapy CBT and DBT, counseling and praying I once again find myself in the light. I have a wonderful job as a ESL Teacher to children in China. I am back on meds and stable. I have sold some of the things I bought and feel the healing slowly beginning. I am beyond grateful. I haven't had a drink in 2 weeks and haven't been vaping anymore. It will take years to repair the damage I have done but I'm working on it.

So monster my friend, yes I am sure we will play together again but now I must be more aware because its not just you. We now have our BPD friend here too. He brings the rages, the anger and the irresponsibility you do but in a much more intense level. So I must be vigilant, cautious and safe.

Until then.....

A new beginning

Hello monster its been awhile but you have been there with me. I has been total destruction in my life. As usual you were not around for the great climax when I fell down. I havent written anything or taken my medications or done the things I need to do because you were there egging me on. I'm tired, Im worn out. I don't leave the house anymore. I drink too much trying to erase the feelings I dont want to remember. The good thing is I am up enough to to think clearly and write a few words.

I really enjoy your company monster but you disrupt my life to the point where I give up on everything and distance the ones I love the most . Please let me have some peace. I know you you will always be there but I need to live to live my dreams.

I love you monster, my creativity, my energy is all because of you. I want the best for both of us !.

Starting Over Again !

I'm doing much better these days. I'm not drinking, not vaping anymore. My health physically has improved and I have actually started writing again.

I want to use this update to tell others who have a monster friend that there is hope. Hold on ! It is one hell of a ride but will a little luck and a lot of will power you can pacify your least for awhile!

Me thinking about things

Me thinking about things

Another day another dollar

So I quit my teaching job yesterday and started my own teaching business. So far so good. Didn't really have a reason. I loved my job just got restless. it happens when my monster gives me advice. I have been blessed. I have had a wonderful career in so many fields. My illness sparks creativity. I believe that.

I have been a correctional officer, a translator/interpreter, a teacher, a model, and yes at one time when very manic for a time, a dancer. I have come a long way in my 60 years. I am working on my second Masters Degree in Linguistics and still find learning exciting and easy. I've been a good girl and a bad girl.

Mood wise I am very very up. I haven't written for a while and found it difficult to even get out of bed. this episode has lasted almost 6 months. The past 3 morning I have got up at 5 am and have extreme energy. I was amazed to see that 17 out my 79 articles are still features. I am working on finishing 4 articles that I started 6 month ago.

So my dear monster we will see how it goes and lets hope you are not taking me down the wrong road AGAIN !!

New Years: 2021

Times like these I am so glad I have you my monster friend. My life is a mess. I feel like my whole world is shattering. This Covid 19 shit has me fucked up. I'm used to not going anywhere but just the fact that they tell me I can't is annoying as fuck.

I'm drinking a lot more that I ever did. Nothing else to do. I don't read anymore, I hardly write anymore. Everything gets on my damn nerves. My husband is really getting on my damn nerves. My kids, work and anything else. I'm not stable, I don't want to be stable. I'm just tired. It's been a year of this shit and I'm so over it. Tired of covering my face with a mask. tired of all the election bullshit, tired of the news.

Everybody and anybody is getting on my nerves.

Bad Monster

Its been and interesting time lately. 2 weeks to flatten the curve has turned into 2 years and the virus is still kicking ass. I did finally break down and take the stupid vaccine because of my many health conditions. Anyways....

Monster you suck! Its been a very hectic and stressful year. As usual you were there for the good times and disappeared when the shit hit the fan. You sit and laughed while I guzzled down a 15 pack or more of beer everyday for months. But you hauled ass when I was hospitalized for my heart.

You were also gone when I had a psychotic break in July and was seeing demons and ghosts in and outside the house. When I was running down the street screaming because they were after me. I wound up having an emergency visit to the psych ward and even though I didn't have to stay the strong dose of anti-psychotics has dulled my creativity and makes me feel so down. But honestly that was the scariest shit I have ever been through in my life and I hope it never happens again. I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder along with my other conditions. After while I will be a walking DSM Manual.

Well hopefully you will come play with me today. I'm bored. And again i went shopping along with you and spent all of my bill money on clothes and makeup so now trying to figure out what to do. I guess get an extension.

See thats what I mean BAD MONSTER. You should hang around to help cclean up the mess.

© 2009 christalluna1124


Jennifer Economou Lakhal on April 04, 2012:

Well, I just feel better knowing that I am not alone, I can relate to everything you have written. Thank you!

christalluna1124 (author) from Dallas Texas on May 13, 2010:

Thanks for dropping by everyone,

It has been a long, dark month for me lately. I am slowly coming up but very slowly. I appreciate all of the comments and kind words.

warmest regards,


Diane from Greeley, Co on March 14, 2010:

I am new to this hub but so far have read some good and helpful stories and ideas for bipolar disorder sufferers.

christalluna1124 (author) from Dallas Texas on February 28, 2010:


Thanks. I am also glad to have found that I am not the only one who suffers this way. I amazed at the number of people who I have met here that feel the same as you and I do.

Warmest regards,


The Tam from Somewhere over the rainbow, FLORIDA! on February 28, 2010:

You best described how I feel most of the time. Thank you for writing about this at least I know I am not the only one to feel like this with this disease.

christalluna1124 (author) from Dallas Texas on February 28, 2010:


Thank you for your kind comment. I am having avery hard time right now. I don't worry about being demon possed. It is my faith that has kept me strong. It is that kind of stigma that I hope my hubs can erase. Thanks for your support and comfort.

warmest regards,


Karla Domanski from Cadillac, Michigan on February 27, 2010:


Telling someone they are demon possessed because they have a mental condition is not only rude, it's nuts. I suppose you were given a "vision" in which God told you that her problem was spiritual?

My mentally ill cousin was put through an exorcism and constantly rebuked in the name of Jesus. Well, I believe in Jesus, but my cousin did NOT have a demon and suffered even more from FEAR because of knee-jerk reactions from people with a spiritual superiority complex. Hmmmm... wonder if that can be treated by medicine.

The brain is an organ and can be affected by disease like any other organ in the body.

By the way, people who shake on the ground and have their eyes roll back in their heads are having an epileptic SEIZURE and aren't "possessed" by anything other than illness. UGH. The fact that medical science can't identify certain illnesses only means that humans are not yet ADVANCED enough to figure it out. We figured out epilepsy a whle back and someday, God will bless someone with the skills and knowledge to find the cure for bipolar disorder, depression and all manner of things we imperfect beings haven't been able to fix.

Sorry, Christalluna. Maybe MY monster had something to say. My prayers are with you and I think you are incredibly talented and tremendously brave.

John Harper from Malaga, Spain on February 21, 2010:

I would suggest getting some Derek Prince books on how to evict demons, for you surely seem troubled by spiritual adversaries called familiar spirits, and despite what medical science and doctors may tell you, these critters can be evicted from your life and you can be quite normal.... if you want to be? - The problem is that we get used to our demons and grow to like them, so we run from being rid of them.

If you want more info, email me from my profile, but read some of my hubs first... 'The Satan Whisperers' would probably be a good start, then maybe 'Liberty of Freedom' but in any case, your problem is spiritual, not physical.

Any condition that medical science cannot identify why it happens, nor cure the situation, is 99% sure to be a spiritual condition and can only be stopped by spiritual intervention.

Christ (not the church and churchianity) is the answer.

Be Blessed,


dfager from Federal Way, Washington on February 20, 2010:

Great hub! I like to read about other people's experiences with this disease, though I'm sorry they have to suffer with it. I've probably been bipolar most of my life but not diagnosed until I was in my 40's. I'm afaid of appplying for disability but, I haven't been very successful at work because I do stupid stuff when my mood is elevated like giving my own presentation in some else's conference and wrecking the company vehicle. I've had part-time jobs like delivering pizza, where I've had to pull off the road to cry because my tears were distorting my vision too much. Sometimes, I just get too depressed and think that my work performance is just too poor and end up quiting. I've also gone to work after taking Tamazapam which was supposed to put me to sleep but, I figured it might calm me down enough to do my work.

christalluna1124 (author) from Dallas Texas on December 22, 2009:

Thank you Freta,

It is difficult. With my husband being away I really have to learn how to care for myself using the skills that I have learned during my traings and the seminars I have attended. I am a very active advocate for mental illness. For a look in the life of someone with bipolar disorder, please see my hub "Living with bipolar illness. It shows the true faces we wear dealing with this disorder on a day to day basis.



Alfreta Sailor from Southern California on December 21, 2009:

Dear, dear Chris, I don't really know what to say. I have learned more about Bipolar during this reading than I've ever known before, and all I can say is my heart goes out to you and all that are suffering with this malady. I hope you are getting relief of sorts from your writing. Interestingly, I'm just reading and trying to watch TV too, and I just saw an ad about a medication called Seroquel XR for bipolar, I'm sure this is nothing new to you. This is such interesting reading, I was totally captivated. Even though I've written a lot, I still feel at a loss for words. Take care and I'll be back.

christalluna1124 (author) from Dallas Texas on November 24, 2009:

Ethel Tanks for the Happy birthday wish. and I am sorry your dad went undiagnosed. I was not diagnosed and put on meds until I was in my late 30's and if you look at the pictures in the article, my life has been effected greatly.

I love my work with the support groups and I really miss my mercedes. LOL.

Take care, Christal

Ethel Smith from Kingston-Upon-Hull on November 24, 2009:

This was my Dad years ago but Bi-polar was not recognised then.

christalluna1124 (author) from Dallas Texas on November 23, 2009:

My physician says that my relating to my monster as a he is part of trying to keep him separate from who I am. I always try to remember "I am more than my disorder" I am a person with Bipolar disorder, instead of I am Bipolar. That's his logic anyway. Thanks for reading!! I just posted some photos to the article, take a peek.

Warmest regards, Christal

freakazoid on November 23, 2009:

Yeah, me too. Good hub.

Tammy Lochmann on November 23, 2009:

Interesting that your monster is a he. You should use your creativity to decipher that one or maybe you already have. I enjoyed reading this one.


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