Mom, I am not sure if you can read this or not, but I need to talk to you...
It has been four months to the date, since your death. I don't know how much you were able to see, but we were heart broken, that was the worst day of my life.
The 30th of each month comes, and I realize another month has passed since the day of our separation. I believe the Bible says that one day in Heaven is like 1,000 days here on earth .... so then, you probably haven't been in Heaven 15 minutes yet.
For me...for us... your family...it seems like it has been an eternity since we were with you. At the same time, your absence does not feel real. Dad and I had our first cry together last week. He has not wanted us to see him cry, and has not wanted us to cry in front of him. Last week, our hearts were broken, and we talked, and cried together.
He was worried that he had let you down, and that he was not a good enough man and husband for you. I reassured him over and over and told him just how much you loved him. I told dad that almost every single time we were together for lunch or an appointment, you would say "we are so blessed, your dad and I are so happy".
At church this week the pastors prayed for dad, and we all prayed with them. So many tears, so much pain! our only encouragement? We know we will see you again in Heaven, and each day we wake up we are one day closer to the reunion.
Tonight, Faith went to bed crying in grief for you. I know it is my job to teach the kids it is ok to grieve, and crying is part of the grieving process. But mom, it hurts so much! How do I comfort her when I am so sad myself? I explained that we have to look forward to the reunion one day, but that it is ok to cry and that God will heal our broken hearts.
The most difficult thing for me is that I can't talk to you -- we shared everything! Now, I write and I hope that somehow you are able to read these words or hear me.
The waves of grief are so devastating some days! I thought there would be no worse pain than knowing you were dying and saying goodbye. Some days the grief is so heavy and I am not prepared because I thought I should be able to cope better by now.
I know that grief is a journey, and that the more we love, the more we hurt. I love you so much mom... for you compassion, and wisdom, your love... and your presence... you were bigger than this life, and even after your death, your life has a huge impact on so many people.
You were known for you love, compassion and ability to hug a complete stranger. I can only hope that in my lifetime that I am half of the woman you were to so many.
Mom, you are my best friend, my encourager, my mother, my "person". I love you forever. I grew and was born from your womb and so incredibly blessed to be called your daughter. However, the love that grew and was birthed in my heart from growing up with you as my mother is a far more miraculous thing! I am who I am because God gave me you as a role model. I learned to love others unconditionally, until they hurt me or let me down, and to then forgive them and love them again. How did I get so blessed that God would give me to the best mom on earth?
Mom, I am counting the days until I see you again.
I LOVE YOU MOM!
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow!!!
grace aguti on August 05, 2018:
tami ....this is so touching.....writing is the only way to express it all to our beloved ones who departed from us....and am sure the fact that we cant talk to them doesn't mean that they cant hear us.....am sure your mom heard and read this...your msg is delivered to her...i agree that grieving is part of it...but take heart..its all to God,,,he takes and gives.....me too i lost my mum ..its now 3 months but still mourning....the pain never goes away but rather changes with time.....so the idea is not to forget our beloved ones but to remember to move on as we keep their legacies....may their souls rest in peace(your mom and mine and all the departed souls)
Biboy on August 28, 2016:
Hi i dont know what to say but it hurts a lot i lost her 2 months ago and i dont know what to do. :(
Tami Fite (author) on January 04, 2015:
Sukey - grief has a way of exposing our innermost feelings. zavrina - thank you, just a daughter who longs to be reunited with my mom one day.
Zavrina on January 04, 2015:
I'm impressed by your writing. Are you a professional or just very knbeledgwaole?
Sukey on January 03, 2015:
I was struck by the hoestny of your posting
Tami Fite (author) on September 11, 2014:
Grief continues to show up in our lives. My dad is the living memorial to my mom. Life goes on & he waits to join her in Heaven. Their home has not changed much since mom's death 2 1/2 years ago. God give my daddy strength to face each minute & each day & encourage him that mom is waiting for him in Heaven.
Tami Fite (author) on November 01, 2013:
Diane, I appreciate your encouragement - this is a lonely journey but it's one we share with others. My dad is longing for the day he can catch up with my mom in Heaven. God bless you and keep you... What a day of rejoicing we have ahead! Tami
Diane on October 31, 2013:
My mother and father passed away 40 days apart. I miss them so. I know that I will see them again together. Thank you for sharing.
Tami Fite (author) on October 27, 2013:
Wilma - thank you for reading, and for your comments. I find myself missing her as much today as ever. A dear cousin told me yesterday when talking about the loss of her own mother 40 years ago that in the beginning the loss was a physical pain that actually hurt... and through the years she still miss her mother terribly, but it is more of an emotional pain. I suppose that is true of my pain, that my heart is healing, but oh how I miss my mom. Bless you in your journey of grief.
Wilma Henry from Kentucky on July 08, 2013:
I'm sorry for the loss of your precious mom, there truly is no bond quite like the one between mother and daughter. I lost mine on December 11 1998 and still find myself thinking "I'll ask Mommy about that" every few days. I truly believe that Heaven is closer than we realize, that we could almost reach out and touch it.
Tami Fite (author) on February 21, 2013:
Bless you CrisSp -- I miss her, and yet feel her near... it is a most surreal time in life... and for lack of understanding fo eternity and what awaits us, I hold on to my faith and the foundation of God my mom imparted. thanks for your encouragement, may God bless you! Tami
CrisSp from Sky Is The Limit Adventure on February 20, 2013:
What a wonderful hub though it brought me tears. I am so sorry for your loss...a mother and daughter relationship is very precious and nothing compares to it.
You touched my heart with this line: "The most difficult thing for me is that I can't talk to you -- we shared everything! Now, I write and I hope that somehow you are able to read these words or hear me." -- as I have my own daughter in whom I am well pleased to share everything and honored to be called her bestfriend.
Thanks for sharing your lovely letter and tribute to your loving mom.
Tami Fite (author) on October 31, 2012:
Yesterday was the 7 month anniversary of my mom's death. I can't say it has gotten easier, we have just learned to keep on moving forward. Of course, the holidays and traditions that we are entering into are a big part of the sadness. Pray for me and my family as we continue into our new normal without my wonderful mom.
Tami Fite (author) on August 02, 2012:
Thank you Teaches12345 -- last night was the first night that I had a dream about my mom -- I asked God to not allow me to dream about her when she first died knowing the disappointment of waking up only to find it was a dream... I don't know what it is I am feeling this morning... but I know I miss her and will every single day -- to love much is to grieve much! Blessings to you & thank you for your encouragement! Tami
Dianna Mendez on August 01, 2012:
A wonderful tribute to your mother. I have similar emotions over mine who passed away over twenty years ago. It takes time to heal from such a loss, but it get easier to reflect on their wonderful legacy.
Tami Fite (author) on July 31, 2012:
Bless you Faith Reaper -- this is a season in life that nothing can perpare us for.... enjoy your time with your mother -- each day is truly a gift. God bless & keep you! Tami
Faith Reaper from southern USA on July 31, 2012:
A beautiful, loving, letter to your mother. The loss of a mother is so very hard, as I am told. My father passed away a good long time ago. My mother is 83. This is a time for mourning and it does take time to heal, as you miss her so very much. You were blessed to have such a wonderful mother, and she was blessed to have such a wonder daughter. God bless. In His Love, Faith Reaper
Tami Fite (author) on July 31, 2012:
This has been the most difficult journey of my life... nothing prepares us for the separation of death... especially our parents, our mother. Thanks for your encouragement - lindalou1963 and Michele... I am thankful for the ability to journal my feelings on hubpages... bless you both, and thank you again!
Michele Travis from U.S.A. Ohio on July 31, 2012:
What a beautiful hub. Both of my parents have been gone for over 12 years and I still miss them. Thank you for this. What you wrote is wonderful.
Linda from Texas on July 30, 2012:
This brought tears to my eyes. My mom has been gone 30 years this month and it still feels like yesterday. Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing.