First, a Healthy Pregnancy
About 2 months after we got married, my husband and I found out we were pregnant. We were so excited! We called my parents and his parents and told them right away about our good news. We went over to my in-laws' house, and they prayed over the new baby and our family. I was nervous, because I had never experienced any of this before. Miscarriage crossed my mind, even to the point that I was a little nervous about getting excited about the baby just yet. One night at about 11 o'clock at night, I rushed into the kitchen to make myself a healthy smoothie, because I felt like I just hadn't been eating healthy enough and I didn't want the baby to be unhealthy. I kind of laughed at myself at the time, but it eased my anxiety. Then the morning sickness kicked in, and I felt nauseous and dizzy a lot. And extremely tired! I took a lot of naps. And threw up several times a day. But finally, the morning sickness passed, and I had a healthy pregnancy without any hiccups along the way (except for a few hiccups from the baby, that is!) By God's grace, we were blessed with our beautiful son on November 29, 2013. He is such a joy and treasure to our entire family!
Pregnant With 2nd Baby! Then... Unexplained Symptoms
It was January of 2015 when I found out I was pregnant again. I was excited for my son to have a baby brother or sister. I was nervous about finances and having kids super close together in age, and other normal concerns one has. Overall though, my husband and I were looking forward to adding to our family. My hubby came with me to the doctor and I got to see the baby's flickering heartbeat on the ultrasound. The technician printed off pictures of the baby with a little arrow pointing to him or her that said "baby". I was so excited to have the first photos of our new baby. My hubby posted a picture on Instagram of me with my hand on my growing belly, and we gushed about our second child on the way. I announced it to my friends and everyone voiced their enthusiasm over the news. But then, after about 8 weeks, something strange happened... I started seeing spots of red blood. This had never happened in my first pregnancy. I told myself that surely there could be a million other reasons why this was happening. It didn't necessarily mean I was having a miscarriage. But still, I was worried.
Bad News Confirmed... Miscarriage
My husband and I went to the doctor. The same one who delivered my son. She set up the ultrasound machine, and this time she was much more somber than during our last visit. Her quiet demeanor made it clear that something was wrong. She said she couldn't see the baby's heartbeat, but that the machine was old and we could go into another room with a better ultrasound machine. This gave me a glimmer of hope that perhaps the baby was OK, she just had not seen the heartbeat on the faulty machine. Still, even with this glimmer of hope, I was already in tears at the thought that something had gone very wrong with my baby. As I laid down in the other room, with my husband by my side holding our son, who was very squirmy and wanted to get down, my doctor and the ultrasound technician stared at the screen for a very long time and didn't say anything. The screen was turned away from me. They were silent, and I knew. I cried. My heart was sinking into my chest, my worst fears were confirmed and the world was collapsing around me in that moment. My doctor said she was sorry, but she was very matter-of-fact about the whole thing. She left the room and the ultrasound technician handed me a box of Kleenex and gave me a hug. Her bedside manner in that moment was a bit better. She said she was so sorry and her eyes told me she genuinely was. I thought about what a hard job she must have, to have to tell people sad news like this. Then my husband and I were escorted back to the exam room where the doctor would go over our "options", which was the last thing I wanted to think about. Now, instead of excitedly planning our new baby's arrival, we were planning how to get through a miscarriage. I was devastated. It was one of the worst moments of my life.
Options.... Natural Miscarriage or D&C? ... Then, a trip to the ER
It was awful to have to think about "options". We were still just in shock that the baby was really not alive anymore. We told the doctor we would have to go home and think about it. I thought I would wait and see how everything progressed naturally. After a few days, the bleeding started to get heavier and I started passing large clots. Then one night at around 8:00 pm the clots were huge, and I started bleeding through a pad really fast. That's when I called the nurse's advice line and they said I should go to the ER. I brought a blanket to sit on because I was literally bleeding through my clothes. Once at the ER, I was beginning to feel dizzy, so they had me sit in a wheelchair. It seemed like an eternity before I was wheeled back to speak with the nurse. I was concerned about the bleeding because I had heard of friends who had to have a blood transfusion. I didn't know how much blood loss was normal. I answered a few of the nurse's questions and she said she had to leave me for a minute and would be right back. A couple of minutes passed, which seemed like forever once again. I called after the nurse because I was starting to feel extremely dizzy and faint. I've fainted a couple of other times in my life, so I know what it feels like. I yelled out that I was going to pass out, and in the next moment I remember coming to, and my husband and the nurse were there standing over me. I had fainted. There was finally a spot available for me, so the nurse got me back to a bed in the ER. Then they did one more ultrasound on me, just to make sure, and indeed the baby had no heartbeat. At this point, my husband was getting more and more concerned that I was losing a lot of blood. Our son was staying with his grandparents (my husband's parents). I was thankful that they were able to come to the hospital and pick him up from my husband while I had been waiting in the waiting room of the ER.
The doctor determined that while I had lost a lot of blood, I didn't need a transfusion. They said I could go home and continue to try and do it naturally, or just go ahead and do the D&C procedure. I had never had a surgery done before, but the doctor assured me that it was a very quick procedure and that I would not be unconscious for very long either. Rather than going home and possibly having to come back to the ER because of not knowing how much bleeding was normal, we decided to just go ahead and do the D&C and get the whole ordeal over with. So I had a D&C done at about 2:00 am. Before they wheeled me in to have the procedure done, by husband held my hand and prayed with me one more time, and reassured me that everything was going to be okay. I'm so glad he was there to comfort me during that hard time. The doctor doing the procedure is also a Christian and was very reassuring. Even though the baby had already I died, he or she was still with me, so before the baby was gone from me, I said I was sorry this happened and that I loved him or her and would always love him or her. I said goodbye...
When I woke up, everything was over and I was able to come home. It was about 5:30 am when we finally got home.
The day after my D&C, my husband was laying around the house, as my son and I played in his room. I was tired, physically, emotionally, and in pretty much every way possible. I had been told to take it easy. But it was a beautiful day outside, and I knew my husband and son needed to get out and get some sunshine. Heck, so did I. We decided to go to the park. As my husband and son chased geese at the park and we played on the slides, and my silly husband climbed trees and I took his picture, I realized that we would get through this. We had to move forward, one day at a time, and be thankful for all we had. And we had to lean on God no matter what, and lean on each other for comfort and encouragement whenever the other was feeling sad or depressed. So we did.
Excitement: Pregnant Again!
In the summer, we found out we were expecting again. We were excited, but nervous because of the previous pregnancy ending in miscarriage. However, my doctor had reassured me that since I had a healthy pregnancy before, the miscarriage was probably just one of those unexplained things that happen sometimes. She seemed confident that I would not have any problems with this new pregnancy. Like last time, I went to the doctor and saw the baby's heartbeat flickering on the ultrasound machine. Of course I was happy to see the baby's heartbeat, but I felt nervous too, knowing that this was exactly how it happened last time. All of our family and friends were praying, and I told myself that it was unlikely to have 2 miscarriages in a row, so everything should go fine this time.
Seeing spots... My worst fear... It's happening again
Then, one night while my husband was giving our son a bath, I went to the bathroom and saw pink spots again. I was immediately concerned because I had no spotting for my whole pregnancy with my son. The only time I ever saw spotting was when I had the previous miscarriage. Once again, I tried to reason with myself that maybe something else was causing it, but that didn't do much to ease my worries. I told my husband and he said he honestly hadn't gotten his hopes up for this pregnancy because he was afraid this would happen. I was still holding out hope, though, and scheduled a doctor's appointment right away. On the day of the appointment, my husband and son came with me once again. The doctor was making jokes and was in good spirits. She assured me that she really didn't believe anything would be wrong. She would take a look and see though. We were all joking around about how active my son was, squirming around in my husband's lap and wanting to get down and run around the office and explore everything. One minute we were joking around about my son having a sibling and how crazy that was going to be for us as parents to keep up with 2 little ones.... and then the next moment, as my doctor looked for the heartbeat and couldn't find it, once again.... my nightmare experience from the previous time began to replay before my eyes. There would be no sibling for my son, because once again, it looked as though I had miscarried....Like last time, my doctor had us go to another room where the more advanced ultrasound equipment was. Once again, with the screen turned away from me, my doctor, the technician and my husband were all quiet and I knew. This time, the same ultrasound tech who showed me the flickering heartbeat just 2 weeks before, and printed off keepsake pictures for me of my new baby, was the one to tell me that she could not see a heartbeat anymore. My baby had died.
A second D&C
Knowing what I knew from the last experience, my husband and I decided that I should just schedule the D&C procedure right away. When we went to the hospital early in the morning for my procedure, my husband and I sat very quietly in the waiting room. There were only a couple of other people there. We prayed that everything would go well. Then they took me back to have the procedure done. I was very sad, of course, that my baby was going to be taken away. I knew there was no heartbeat, but I was still sad to say goodbye. When the doctor showed up, she asked me if I had any more questions before going forward. I couldn't help crying and getting emotional. Then I had to pull myself together. After the doctor left for a moment, I silently said goodbye to my baby. I told my baby I was sorry if there was anything I did that caused this to happen, even though I had been told by everyone it was not my fault. Still, I told the baby I was sorry and I that I loved him/her. Then I said goodbye. Next, I was to be put under, and I was nervous about that, so right after I got the drugs I asked to see my husband one more time. I was told, "You won't remember seeing him," but I insisted that they bring him back really quick. In the next moment, my husband came over and held my hand, and reassured me. I felt so much more peaceful and then the medication kicked in. The next moment I remember, I was awake and everything was over.
Support from Family and Friends
I went through the next several weeks feeling kind of numb. Our friends at church and our family encouraged us a lot during this difficult time. Many friends came up to me at church and told me about their miscarriages--women who I had no idea had had miscarriages. It was never discussed much until I went through it, and then people seemed to come out of the woodwork to share their experiences and pray for me, which was a huge blessing. My in-laws were also super supportive, and my mom surprised me, too. She knew I was really going through a hard time, so one day when I was talking to her on the phone, she said, "How would you like it if I came down and visited?" I said, "Really?" with tears in my eyes. My parents live about 8 hours away from me and my husband and son, so I don't get to see them very often. My mom ended up driving down and staying with me for a whole week, which was a huge blessing and took my mind off things a little bit.
Praying for a Rainbow Baby Someday
It has been 5 months now since my last miscarriage in August 2015. I still have a shirt for my son, hanging in his closet, that says "Big Brother". I'm saving it because I still believe he will really be a big brother someday. I still have the ultrasound photos of my 2 babies that we lost. Sometimes I take them out and look at them, because that's all I have to remember them by. I don't know why God allowed me to lose 2 babies to miscarriage, when my first pregnancy with my son went so well, without any complications. But I do thank God more than ever for my son, and having the miscarriages has made me realize even more what a miracle it is to be able to carry a human life for 9 months and give birth to a healthy baby! I know God doesn't waste anything, so I know He has plans to use these awful experiences in my life to help and comfort others. I also take comfort in His promise that someday He will wipe away every tear from our eyes. I know I will see my beautiful babies that were lost in heaven someday, and what a joyous meeting that will be! It makes me look forward to heaven even more, knowing they are there waiting for me.
As I watch friends and family members become pregnant and give birth to healthy babies, I feel happiness for them, but sadness about what happened in my life, with my babies. I wonder why my babies had to die. But it brings me back to a place of putting my trust in God's sovereignty and goodness. If I really believe God is the ultimate form of goodness and love, which I do, then I know He has a good plan for allowing all this to happen. So I continue to trust Him and hope for the future. I also have many friends who have had multiple miscarriages in between their pregnancies. I thought it was rare at first, but now that I know of so many others who have experienced it too, it gives me hope that maybe God will bless us with another healthy baby in the future. For now, we are not trying, and I don't feel ready to get pregnant again. But we are praying for a "rainbow baby" someday-- a sweet little brother or sister for our son. We are open to adopting a child as well, if that is God's will for our family. I look forward to being able to post an update on our story someday, and be able to share about how God worked miracles in our family in the coming years. 2015 was hard, but I'm confident that God has amazing things in store for us as we continue to look to Him in faith and hope!
Nicole K (author) on July 12, 2019:
I can definitely empathize with you, as I never thought I’d have a miscarriage, period—much less, twice! You will get through this. I pray for God’s comfort and strength and that you will get all the encouragement and support you need. The Lord bless you.
Jordan on July 09, 2019:
Thank you for sharing I just experienced my second miscarriage and I’m kind of in shock I never thought this would happen to me twice
Nicole K (author) on August 12, 2018:
I'm glad reading my story gave you hope! That's exactly why I shared it. I hope you are able to get some answers from the doctor. Saying a prayer for you and your family. You are not alone. This is not the end of your journey.
Blessings and keep me posted !
Miranda Christiansen from Penn Yan on July 23, 2018:
Thank you for sharing. I am experiencing my second miscarriage in a row after a very healthy full term first pregnancy. Reading this makes me very hopeful I will have another baby in the future. I see the doctor tomorrow to sort out what might be going on. Thank you again
Nicole K (author) on March 28, 2018:
I'm so glad sharing my story was a blessing to you. I'm glad that at least you can find comfort in knowing you're not alone. Praying for you and your family tonight. Remember that as painful and hard as this is... it's not the end of your story :)
Nicole on March 28, 2018:
We just had our second miscarriage last Thursday and I was desperate for something to hold on to or someone to understand. I found your story and felt relief. Thank you for your story. I’m sorry that you understand, but I am thankful you shared your story.
Alicia on January 13, 2018:
Thank you so much for responding. You have given me comfort and hope during this difficult time.
Nicole K (author) on January 12, 2018:
Joining you in prayer for your rainbow baby. I'm touched that my post brought you hope. I wish so many women didn't have to go through this pain. But know that God never wastes our pain. He collects all our tears and He hears each one of our prayers. My rainbow baby was born on October 15, 2016 which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememrance Day. I know that was God telling me He saw each one of my tears...and He answered my prayers! So don't lose hope. All of us are also standing with you. May the Lord comfort you and give you a supernatural peace during this time.
Alicia on January 11, 2018:
You gave me hope also. Currently going through my second miscarriage right. This is my second one in a year. Praying for our rainbow baby
Nicole K (author) on January 09, 2018:
I am so glad that sharing my story encouraged you and gave you hope. I'm so sorry you are going through the pain of miscarriage, too. Praying for you during this difficult time, that God will be there with you in the midst of it and that He'll give you beauty for ashes. Always remember that you are not alone!
Kaelyn on January 09, 2018:
You gave me hope in a time I had none. I just experienced my second miscarriage with no full term pregnancy’s. I am actually still currently caring the baby trying to do this naturally for the second time. I hope and pray for a healthy full term pregnancy.
Nicole K (author) on November 13, 2017:
Nicole K (author) on November 13, 2017:
I'm so glad my story can be a blessing! I'm so sorry for your losses, but rejoicing with you that you're 13 weeks along with your pregnancy! My losses were at around 8 weeks and 11 weeks (if I'm remembering correctly). My doctor did not have any idea what caused them. However, when I got pregnant again, she prescribed me progesterone suppositories also, and low-dose aspirin, so I took both of those in my first trimester. I also did not drink any caffeine at all. I drank "Dandy Blend" instead of coffee, just to have a hot drink in the morning, which I talk about in my post "Journey to a Rainbow Baby." I also cut out all sugar in the first trimester and ate as many fertility foods (lots of veggies) as I could. I read a book by a doctor in San Fransisco who helped couples with fertility and she always had them eliminate sugar and flour. So I also went gluten free for as long as I could. The progesterone suppositories made me dizzy though, and I actually fainted from them once in the hallway at our apartment. Thankfully, my husband was here to help! I went off the suppositories before I completed the prescription because I didn't like feeling dizzy, but I do think they probably helped. I have a good natural fertility website that I found also. I'll post it above. Praying for you and may the Lord richly bless your family!
Katie Nick on November 13, 2017:
Hi Nicole! Thank you so much for sharing, our story is similar, we were blessed with our beautiful daughter 3 years ago and started trying a year and a half ago and have experienced 2 losses consecutively, I am curious? How far along were you when you miscarried? Did you your doctors have any idea about the cause? We are pregnant again, just made it to 13 weeks, I am on progesterone suppositories which I wasn’t with the last two. They want me to discontinue at 16 weeks but it makes me nervous. Just curious what your experience was with carrying your rainbow baby to term? Thank you again for sharing!
Nicole K (author) on September 13, 2017:
I am so very sorry to hear of your losses. It is so devastating to go through this, so my heart grieves with you. Yes, having healthy children is a blessing, but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to grieve the babies you lost. I am praying now for you and your family!
Yes, in answer to your question, we were able to conceive another child and by God's grace he was born on October 15, 2016. My rainbow baby! I wrote about on this page, on a hub called "Journey to a Rainbow Baby." I'll try to link it here soon.
Once again, praying for you and asking for "beauty from ashes" for you and your family. Thank you for reading and commenting.
Christine on August 23, 2017:
Thank you for sharing your story. We've been through 2 miscarriages these last 6 months, both at 11.5 weeks, both without symptoms, only to find out at the first ultrasound that there was no heartbeat. We're feeling lost and devastated. We have 3 healthy children, so I know that we're blessed, but they don't negate the losses. My husband says that we're done, and I think I am too, it just hurts to know that I may never hold my own tiny baby in my arms again. I cried as I read your story, because I know what it's like.
It's been a couple of years since your post was written, I hope that you have been fortunate to have your rainbow baby.
Nicole K (author) on January 29, 2016:
Denise, thank you so much for your sweet words. We are supposed to comfort others with the comfort we ourselves receive from God, so I hope to be able to do that with my story. At least others out there will know they are not alone. Thank you so much for the encouragement. Blessings to you and yours, too :)
Denise McGill from Fresno CA on January 29, 2016:
Your story made me cry. I am awed by your faith and trust that the God of creation is holding your sweet babies right now and you will see them someday. I've never had this experience and cannot even imagine the pain you felt. You are brave beyond words to share your story and I feel sure it will give hope and help to someone out there suffering loss and pain.
Blessings to you and your husband,