Everybody Needs an Excuse
Have you ever noticed that there aren't enough long weekends? Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Memorial Day, maybe Columbus Day and President's Day if you're lucky. For most people, three or four day weekends are months apart, and that's WAY too long to wait to have a day off! We all need some extra time off for various reasons - to go shopping with a friend, to go to the beach, to lie in bed until noon reading trashy novels, to watch the daytime soaps...there are SO many good reasons.
The old, “The dog ate my homework” excuse might have worked when you were a kid, but now that you’re all grown up, you need more creative excuses to get out of doing stuff. Everyone gets tired of the constant demands from spouse, boss, and plain old society in general. So here I am to save the day with some all-purpose excuses that will get you out of doing just about anything you don’t want to do. (You can thank me later.)
Funny Excuses, or Just Plain Excuses!
Here's the special, top secret list I've gathered together just for you - some great all-purpose excuses for why you can't work, can't clean, can't cook, can't write, can't diet and can't save money. Feel free to use them at any time. Use them with discretion as some only work once. Others are reusable if you work them right.
Cat Nap Excuse
1. My horoscope says that I should not go out of the house today.
2. Can’t come to work today because my garage door opener is broken, and I can’t get the car out of the garage.
3. I'm seeing flashing lights and colors and everything is spinning. I think I'm getting a migraine headache. This has nothing to do with what I did last night!
4. I think I have Swine flu (Bird flu, Asian flu).
5. It’s snowing, and all the schools are closed. If school buses can't drive on my road, neither can I.
6. My power is off, and I can’t take a shower until it comes back on.
7. I had a bad night last night.
8. There's ice. I’m afraid to drive on ice.
9. I ate something bad at lunch, so I can’t come back to work because I have an upset stomach.
10. I have a family emergency.
11. My boyfriend (spouse, significant other) and I had a fight. I’m too upset to work today.
12. My furnace went off, and I have to wait here for the repairman because I’m afraid my pipes will freeze.
13. My pipes are frozen and I need to stay home to thaw them out.
14. My frozen pipes thawed out and broke, so I need to stay home to clean up the water that ran all over the place.
15. My frozen pipes thawed out and caused water damage, so I have to wait for the insurance guy to come over to appraise the damage.
16. I have to take my cat (dog, bird, rabbit, horse) to the vet.
17. I have a sick kid and have to stay home with him.
18. I have a sick relative who's having surgery today and my family needs me at the hospital.
19. I lost my American Express card, and I can't leave home without it.
20. I heard a noise under my porch this morning and when I went to investigate, I got sprayed by a skunk.
21. I have really bad cramps. (This one only works for women, but can be used once a month at least!)
22. I was getting in my car and put my coffee mug on the roof of the car while I got my keys out. I got in the car before I remembered the coffee. Just as I was getting into the car, the coffee tipped over, spilled on my head and all over my clothes and coat so I had to go in to take another shower and change. SO I'll be very late. (This really happened to me.)
23. The dog ate my doctor's note excusing me from work for the last 3 days, so I'll be late today because I have to go to the doctor's office to get another note. ( I love this one!)
24. My in-laws are visiting and it gave me hives.
25. My favorite team is playing.
26. The Play-offs are on TV.
27. The Semi-finals are on TV.
28. The big game is on TV.
29. It’s not my stuff in the garage.
30. The house/garage will just get dirty again.
31. It’s not my turn.
32. My foot hurts.
33. My vacuum cleaner bag is full and I don’t have spare bags.
34. The dog chewed through the vacuum cleaner hose.
35. Nobody will see it but me.
36. The kids will mess it up.
37. The pets will mess it up.
38. It's too cold.
39. It's too hot.
40. I need to answer my email first.
41. I need to finish this computer game first.
42. I have to finish my Hub first.
This Guy Needs No Excuse to Relax
59. I'm getting a cold. Mom said to feed a cold.
60. I have low blood sugar and dieting makes me dizzy.
61. I will as soon as the Christmas cookies are gone.
62. I will as soon as the Easter candy is gone.
63. I will as soon as the Valentine chocolate is gone.
64. I will as soon as the Thanksgiving pie is gone…Aren’t holidays great?
65. It’s my friend’s birthday.
66. It's my birthday.
67. It’s my Mom’s birthday…well, you get the idea…
68. My family has to have lots of snacks in the house.
69. I can’t diet when I’m stressed out trying to write a Hub a day.
43. I’m not hungry right now.
44. I’m too hungry and I need food now, so I’ll pick up a pizza.
45. We'll eat leftovers.
46. I’m on a diet.
47. The stove is broken.
48. The microwave is broken.
49. You cook so much better than I do.
50. My mother really misses me and I'm sure she meant to invite us to dinner. I'll call her.
51. I forgot to thaw out the meat.
52. My pans are dirty (see excuses for not cleaning).
53. I don’t have all the ingredients I need.
54. There isn’t time before I have to go to my meeting,
55. I’m too tired from attending the meeting.
56. The dog ate the roast. (Damn dog!)
57. I have to finish this Hub first.
58. I was going to go grocery shopping while I was out, but I forgot my customer appreciation card, so I couldn't buy anything on sale so I decided to go later, but I didn't have time. So there's no food in the house and we have to go out to eat.
70. It's too noisy.
71. People keep interrupting my work and distracting me.
72. I'm too stressed.
73. I have to cook dinner first.
74. I have to clean the house first.
75. I have to clean the garage first.
76. All the good ideas have been taken.
77. My computer is frozen.
78. I need to have time to relax.
79. I can't write under pressure.
80. I can't write unless I have a deadline.
81. My kids keep me too busy.
82. I have to read my Followers' Hubs.
83. I'm not inspired.
84. I'm doing the 30 Day Challenge and this month has 31 days, so I don't have to write today.
85. I'm depressed and buying a new outfit will cheer me up.
86. I need new shoes for my new outfit, and these great shoes are on sale.
87. It's my birthday.
88. I have to take my friends out for dinner on their birthdays because they always take me out.
89. I saw this juicer on the shopping channel and I know it will save me money to make my own healthy vegetable juice.
90. I'm feeling fat, and these new pants make be look thinner.
91. I'm stressed out, and I need Godiva chocolate to make me feel better.
92. All my clothes are out of date.
93. I'll go on an austerity budget after the holidays, but now I have to get some nice gifts for my friends (and maybe a little something for me...)
94. My new credit card charges no interest until 2016. I can pay it off before then!
95. Going to the Super Bowl is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
96. I really deserve to go on a cruise because I've been working so hard.
97. If I had a Kindle, I could read the latest novels anywhere.
98. A new Apple Watch would make my life so much more fun.
99. My HubPages payment came today, so I can buy myself something nice - and I deserve it!
100. My Hub on Bluebirds won Hub Of the Day, so I deserve a reward.
Make Up Excuses?
Bonus Excuses to Get Out of a Speeding Ticket
I know I've already given you 100 great excuses, but here are three bonus excuses that were actually used by my husband's aunt to get out of speeding tickets -- and they worked!
1. I REALLY, REALLY need to get to a bathroom quick.
2. (Hold foot on accelerator with other foot on brake pedal.) My accelerator is stuck (press on the gas pedal while car is in neutral) and I was trying to slow down, but I couldn't. Thank heavens you're here officer. Maybe you can help me. ( Reach down and fool with the gas pedal. ) This works better if you're a female and helpless looking.
3. I couldn't be going 70. My cruise control must be off because I had it set on 65. I have to have it checked out.
So What's Your Excuse?
Come on - everybody has some favorite excuses. I told you mine, now let us in on your secret. What's your excuse for not doing stuff?
This article Copyright ©2011 by Stephanie Henkel
Get your Excuses Handbook!
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Comments and Excuses Welcome
Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on February 01, 2015:
Vellur - Glad you enjoyed my 100 excuses-- perhaps some will come in handy! Thanks for stopping by.
Nithya Venkat from Dubai on January 28, 2015:
Enjoyed reading and my, my what excuses! Some are hilarious!
Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on September 10, 2012:
Thanks for sharing your cute story, Jaye! Yes, it's nice to be retired and not have to think up any excuses not to work!
Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on September 10, 2012:
Amymarie_5 - As a former shopaholic, I can easily think of excuses to spend money! :) Glad you got a laugh out of this!
Jaye Denman from Deep South, USA on September 09, 2012:
Delightful hub, Stephanie. I laughed myself silly as I went down the lists.
Several years before I retired, I remember taking a hair dryer to work with me one day when the electricity on my block went off AFTER my shower/shampoo, but BEFORE I got a chance to dry my hair. I got a lot of strange looks when I walked in the door at work, but just said, "Power went off," went into my office, closed the door and proceeded to use the blow-dryer.
Excuses would not have helped me in those days. While I tend to believe no one is indispensable, my boss wanted me to call into the office every day even when on vacation! I tried taking a second week off from work after one of my surgeries, but had to be available via email, phone and Blackberry text (which was still new) to everyone who "needed" me all week long, and probably worked as many hours as I would have without sick leave. The only difference from being at the office was that I was in my pajamas. Don't ask me how I managed to recuperate! (Or, did I?)
Do I miss those days? I did for the first year, but no longer do--especially since I found HubPages.... Jaye
Amy DeMarco from Chicago on September 09, 2012:
Ha! This hub put a smile on my face! Love the excuses to spend $$$$ best!
Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on September 09, 2012:
Daisy Mariposa - Don't remind my old boss, but I actually used a few of these! :) Hey, the one about the garage door was true!
Daisy Mariposa from Orange County (Southern California) on September 09, 2012:
You have some laugh-out-loud items on this list. I really enjoyed reading it.
Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on September 04, 2012:
Securityproducts3 - Glad you enjoyed my excuses to get out of work! Thanks for your comments!
Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on September 02, 2012:
Claims-Advice - Son-of-a-gun! I did miss food poisoning! And what a perfect excuse that would be! Thanks! :)
Jim Loxley from London on September 02, 2012:
You missed out food poisoning!
securityproducts3 on September 02, 2012:
haha this was really funny, but actually hit close to home on more than a few! Great Hub!
Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on September 01, 2012:
Martin-ddp - Glad you enjoyed my hub on 100 excuses to get out of stuff! Thanks for stopping in to read and comment!
Martin from Ireland on September 01, 2012:
Great Hub it was fun to read
Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on August 30, 2012:
Alecia Murphy - Obviously, you are just a very responsible adult! My horoscope has been correct on more than one occasion - why take chances! :) Thanks for stopping in to read and comment!
Alecia Murphy from Wilmington, North Carolina on August 30, 2012:
Funny tips- I don't like getting out of stuff but sometimes it is necessary. Some of these are too ridiculous- your horoscope won't let you go since you'll have a bad day :)!
Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on July 15, 2012: