Updated date:

100 Excuses to Get Out of Work and Other Stuff

Day of Relaxation...

Day of Relaxation...

Everybody Needs an Excuse

Have you ever noticed that there aren't enough long weekends? Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Memorial Day, maybe Columbus Day and President's Day if you're lucky. For most people, three or four day weekends are months apart, and that's WAY too long to wait to have a day off! We all need some extra time off for various reasons - to go shopping with a friend, to go to the beach, to lie in bed until noon reading trashy novels, to watch the daytime soaps...there are SO many good reasons.

The old, “The dog ate my homework” excuse might have worked when you were a kid, but now that you’re all grown up, you need more creative excuses to get out of doing stuff. Everyone gets tired of the constant demands from spouse, boss, and plain old society in general. So here I am to save the day with some all-purpose excuses that will get you out of doing just about anything you don’t want to do. (You can thank me later.)

Funny Excuses, or Just Plain Excuses!

Here's the special, top secret list I've gathered together just for you - some great all-purpose excuses for why you can't work, can't clean, can't cook, can't write, can't diet and can't save money. Feel free to use them at any time. Use them with discretion as some only work once. Others are reusable if you work them right.

Cat Nap Excuse

Need a cat nap with your cat?  It's a good excuse!

Need a cat nap with your cat? It's a good excuse!

1. My horoscope says that I should not go out of the house today.

2. Can’t come to work today because my garage door opener is broken, and I can’t get the car out of the garage.

3. I'm seeing flashing lights and colors and everything is spinning. I think I'm getting a migraine headache. This has nothing to do with what I did last night!

4. I think I have Swine flu (Bird flu, Asian flu).

5. It’s snowing, and all the schools are closed. If school buses can't drive on my road, neither can I.

6. My power is off, and I can’t take a shower until it comes back on.

7. I had a bad night last night.

8. There's ice. I’m afraid to drive on ice.

9. I ate something bad at lunch, so I can’t come back to work because I have an upset stomach.

10. I have a family emergency.

11. My boyfriend (spouse, significant other) and I had a fight. I’m too upset to work today.

12. My furnace went off, and I have to wait here for the repairman because I’m afraid my pipes will freeze.

13. My pipes are frozen and I need to stay home to thaw them out.

14. My frozen pipes thawed out and broke, so I need to stay home to clean up the water that ran all over the place.

15. My frozen pipes thawed out and caused water damage, so I have to wait for the insurance guy to come over to appraise the damage.

16. I have to take my cat (dog, bird, rabbit, horse) to the vet.

17. I have a sick kid and have to stay home with him.

18. I have a sick relative who's having surgery today and my family needs me at the hospital.

19. I lost my American Express card, and I can't leave home without it.

20. I heard a noise under my porch this morning and when I went to investigate, I got sprayed by a skunk.

21. I have really bad cramps. (This one only works for women, but can be used once a month at least!)

22. I was getting in my car and put my coffee mug on the roof of the car while I got my keys out. I got in the car before I remembered the coffee. Just as I was getting into the car, the coffee tipped over, spilled on my head and all over my clothes and coat so I had to go in to take another shower and change. SO I'll be very late. (This really happened to me.)

23. The dog ate my doctor's note excusing me from work for the last 3 days, so I'll be late today because I have to go to the doctor's office to get another note. ( I love this one!)

24. My in-laws are visiting and it gave me hives.



25. My favorite team is playing.

26.
The Play-offs are on TV.

27. The Semi-finals are on TV.

28. The big game is on TV.

29. It’s not my stuff in the garage.

30. The house/garage will just get dirty again.

31. It’s not my turn.

32. My foot hurts.

33. My vacuum cleaner bag is full and I don’t have spare bags.

34. The dog chewed through the vacuum cleaner hose.

35. Nobody will see it but me.

36. The kids will mess it up.

37. The pets will mess it up.

38. It's too cold.

39. It's too hot.

40. I need to answer my email first.

41. I need to finish this computer game first.

42. I have to finish my Hub first.


This Guy Needs No Excuse to Relax

Total Relaxation - no work today!

Total Relaxation - no work today!

59. I'm getting a cold. Mom said to feed a cold.

60. I have low blood sugar and dieting makes me dizzy.

61. I will as soon as the Christmas cookies are gone.

62. I will as soon as the Easter candy is gone.

63. I will as soon as the Valentine chocolate is gone.

64. I will as soon as the Thanksgiving pie is gone…Aren’t holidays great?

65. It’s my friend’s birthday.

66. It's my birthday.

67. It’s my Mom’s birthday…well, you get the idea…

68. My family has to have lots of snacks in the house.

69. I can’t diet when I’m stressed out trying to write a Hub a day.


43. I’m not hungry right now.

44. I’m too hungry and I need food now, so I’ll pick up a pizza.

45. We'll eat leftovers.

46. I’m on a diet.

47. The stove is broken.

48. The microwave is broken.

49. You cook so much better than I do.

50. My mother really misses me and I'm sure she meant to invite us to dinner. I'll call her.

51. I forgot to thaw out the meat.

52. My pans are dirty (see excuses for not cleaning).

53. I don’t have all the ingredients I need.

54. There isn’t time before I have to go to my meeting,

55. I’m too tired from attending the meeting.

56. The dog ate the roast. (Damn dog!)

57. I have to finish this Hub first.

58. I was going to go grocery shopping while I was out, but I forgot my customer appreciation card, so I couldn't buy anything on sale so I decided to go later, but I didn't have time. So there's no food in the house and we have to go out to eat.


70. It's too noisy.

71. People keep interrupting my work and distracting me.

72. I'm too stressed.

73. I have to cook dinner first.

74. I have to clean the house first.

75. I have to clean the garage first.

76. All the good ideas have been taken.

77. My computer is frozen.

78. I need to have time to relax.

79. I can't write under pressure.

80. I can't write unless I have a deadline.

81. My kids keep me too busy.

82. I have to read my Followers' Hubs.

83. I'm not inspired.

84. I'm doing the 30 Day Challenge and this month has 31 days, so I don't have to write today.


85. I'm depressed and buying a new outfit will cheer me up.

86. I need new shoes for my new outfit, and these great shoes are on sale.

87. It's my birthday.

88. I have to take my friends out for dinner on their birthdays because they always take me out.

89. I saw this juicer on the shopping channel and I know it will save me money to make my own healthy vegetable juice.

90. I'm feeling fat, and these new pants make be look thinner.

91. I'm stressed out, and I need Godiva chocolate to make me feel better.

92. All my clothes are out of date.

93. I'll go on an austerity budget after the holidays, but now I have to get some nice gifts for my friends (and maybe a little something for me...)

94. My new credit card charges no interest until 2016. I can pay it off before then!

95. Going to the Super Bowl is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

96. I really deserve to go on a cruise because I've been working so hard.

97. If I had a Kindle, I could read the latest novels anywhere.

98. A new Apple Watch would make my life so much more fun.

99. My HubPages payment came today, so I can buy myself something nice - and I deserve it!

100. My Hub on Bluebirds won Hub Of the Day, so I deserve a reward.

Make Up Excuses?

Bonus Excuses to Get Out of a Speeding Ticket

I know I've already given you 100 great excuses, but here are three bonus excuses that were actually used by my husband's aunt to get out of speeding tickets -- and they worked!

1. I REALLY, REALLY need to get to a bathroom quick.

2. (Hold foot on accelerator with other foot on brake pedal.) My accelerator is stuck (press on the gas pedal while car is in neutral) and I was trying to slow down, but I couldn't. Thank heavens you're here officer. Maybe you can help me. ( Reach down and fool with the gas pedal. ) This works better if you're a female and helpless looking.

3. I couldn't be going 70. My cruise control must be off because I had it set on 65. I have to have it checked out.




So What's Your Excuse?


Come on - everybody has some favorite excuses. I told you mine, now let us in on your secret. What's your excuse for not doing stuff?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This article Copyright ©2011 by Stephanie Henkel

Get your Excuses Handbook!

More Humor Hubs by Stephanie Henkel

Comments and Excuses Welcome

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on February 01, 2015:

Vellur - Glad you enjoyed my 100 excuses-- perhaps some will come in handy! Thanks for stopping by.

Nithya Venkat from Dubai on January 28, 2015:

Enjoyed reading and my, my what excuses! Some are hilarious!

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on September 10, 2012:

Thanks for sharing your cute story, Jaye! Yes, it's nice to be retired and not have to think up any excuses not to work!

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on September 10, 2012:

Amymarie_5 - As a former shopaholic, I can easily think of excuses to spend money! :) Glad you got a laugh out of this!

Jaye Denman from Deep South, USA on September 09, 2012:

Delightful hub, Stephanie. I laughed myself silly as I went down the lists.

Several years before I retired, I remember taking a hair dryer to work with me one day when the electricity on my block went off AFTER my shower/shampoo, but BEFORE I got a chance to dry my hair. I got a lot of strange looks when I walked in the door at work, but just said, "Power went off," went into my office, closed the door and proceeded to use the blow-dryer.

Excuses would not have helped me in those days. While I tend to believe no one is indispensable, my boss wanted me to call into the office every day even when on vacation! I tried taking a second week off from work after one of my surgeries, but had to be available via email, phone and Blackberry text (which was still new) to everyone who "needed" me all week long, and probably worked as many hours as I would have without sick leave. The only difference from being at the office was that I was in my pajamas. Don't ask me how I managed to recuperate! (Or, did I?)

Do I miss those days? I did for the first year, but no longer do--especially since I found HubPages.... Jaye

Amy DeMarco from Chicago on September 09, 2012:

Ha! This hub put a smile on my face! Love the excuses to spend $$$$ best!

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on September 09, 2012:

Daisy Mariposa - Don't remind my old boss, but I actually used a few of these! :) Hey, the one about the garage door was true!

Daisy Mariposa from Orange County (Southern California) on September 09, 2012:

Stephanie,

You have some laugh-out-loud items on this list. I really enjoyed reading it.

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on September 04, 2012:

Securityproducts3 - Glad you enjoyed my excuses to get out of work! Thanks for your comments!

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on September 02, 2012:

Claims-Advice - Son-of-a-gun! I did miss food poisoning! And what a perfect excuse that would be! Thanks! :)

Jim Loxley from London on September 02, 2012:

You missed out food poisoning!

securityproducts3 on September 02, 2012:

haha this was really funny, but actually hit close to home on more than a few! Great Hub!

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on September 01, 2012:

Martin-ddp - Glad you enjoyed my hub on 100 excuses to get out of stuff! Thanks for stopping in to read and comment!

Martin from Ireland on September 01, 2012:

Great Hub it was fun to read

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on August 30, 2012:

Alecia Murphy - Obviously, you are just a very responsible adult! My horoscope has been correct on more than one occasion - why take chances! :) Thanks for stopping in to read and comment!

Alecia Murphy from Wilmington, North Carolina on August 30, 2012:

Funny tips- I don't like getting out of stuff but sometimes it is necessary. Some of these are too ridiculous- your horoscope won't let you go since you'll have a bad day :)!

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on July 15, 2012:

Lezsaysit - Glad you found some useful suggestions for getting out of work! It's always good to have a ready-made excuse! :)

lezsaysit from New York, NY on July 15, 2012:

Wow! LOL! Useful and entertaining.

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on July 09, 2012:

Pennyofheaven - I'm so glad you found your way here and that my hub made you smile! Thanks for your comments!

pennyofheaven from New Zealand on July 08, 2012:

That's how I got here and I am glad I clicked the link on Joshs hub. This was too too funny. Made me laugh.

Joshua Zerbini from Pennsylvania on July 08, 2012:

Steph,

You are welcome, and I am sure you had a blast writing it :)

Josh

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on July 08, 2012:

Josh3418 - I'm glad that you got a laugh out of my 100 excuses to get out of work hub! It's fun to write a light piece like this, and I've actually used some of these excuses! :) Thanks for linking it to your hub - I'll be on the lookout for it!

Joshua Zerbini from Pennsylvania on July 08, 2012:

Steph,

Great hub, this was cracking me up the entire time! It was a riot! I enjoyed the ongoing excuses with the frozen pipes. I also enjoyed your last section on writing, clever addition! :)

I will be linking this hub to the one I publish later on this afternoon, "35 Funny Excuses To Get Out Of Something".

Have a great day Steph, and take care! :)

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on April 17, 2012:

KingphilliIV - I'm sure there are some useful reasons listed to get out of just about anything! :) Glad you enjoyed my list of 100 excuses to get out of work!

Ramphil Basco from Iloilo, Philippines on April 16, 2012:

All of those reasons are very cool to use.. Maybe I should try some of these reasons next time.. lol.. I really love your hub..

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on April 08, 2012:

Clintonb - Glad you enjoyed the hub ...hope you found some useful excuses for tomorrow - it's going to be too nice to go to work! :)

clintonb from Adelaide, Australia on April 08, 2012:

Hahaha! thats a damn funny hub!!

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on April 05, 2012:

Taw2012 - Hmmm...sounds like you know a few tricks...maybe I should have asked you for some excuses! :) Thanks for the comment!

taw2012 from India on April 04, 2012:

lol.........this is funny. Some of these are my regular excuses. Mostly i get caught but sometimes it works...any ways-nice work!!!

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on April 04, 2012:

Billd01603 - Enjoy your day off! :)

billd01603 from Worcester on April 04, 2012:

This Hub was very funny, I'm going to use some of these excuses!

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on April 04, 2012:

Glad to give you a laugh today, Mikeydcarroll67! I know some of these actually work because I've used them! :)

mikeydcarroll67 on April 04, 2012:

Amazing! I love this hub and thought it was very funny!

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on February 28, 2012:

FordeAhern - Glad you enjoyed the 100 excuses to get out of work, and hope you found the list useful! :) Thanks for stopping by to read and vote!

FordeAhern from Broadford, Co. Limerick. ireland on February 28, 2012:

I love them, so funny. Voted up and funny. Thank you.

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on February 28, 2012:

Princesswithapen - Hahaha...it takes years of practice and research to come up with 100 excuses to get out of work! Plus, I actually heard a bunch of these from my staff before I retired! Thanks for the comment and the share!

princesswithapen on February 28, 2012:

Haha! This hub is a cheerful read. I hope everyone gets to read it except the people who work for me and the ones who I work with!

I am sharing it.

Princesswithapen

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on February 27, 2012:

SanneL - Yes, I think most Hubbers use that one quite a bit! Thanks for stopping in to brush up on your excuses for getting out of work! :)

SanneL from Sweden on February 27, 2012:

Ha ha ha!! This is too funny! # 57 is a regular excuse of mine! Lol!

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on October 10, 2011:

Hmmm...your boss might excuse you forever for that one, Ubanichijioke! :)

Alexander Thandi Ubani from Lagos on October 10, 2011:

Ha ha ha, i enjoyed this. Funny excuses. Lol. Great work and thoughtful. Here is mine 'i can't come to work cos am drunk' lol

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on September 14, 2011:

Injurycase, Thanks to you and all my friends who have convenient birthdays that give me an excuse to eat cake and get out of doing stuff I don't want to do. Thanks for stopping by to comment!

injurycase on September 14, 2011:

Since it is your birthday you really deserve a good reward of excusing from your busy day instead celebrate it by doing what you want to do. Your hub is very humorous.Thanks!

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on September 14, 2011:

Thanks, Simone... even though I know you NEVER use excuses to get out of stuff!

Simone Haruko Smith from San Francisco on September 14, 2011:

Hahaa, these are AWESOME!!!

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on September 10, 2011:

Hi Estelle, I can't think of anyone I'd rather hear laugh than you! Glad this made you smile, and thanks for stopping by!

ehasert from Mesa, AZ on September 10, 2011:

I loved the skunk one! You are the funniest friend I have out there! Thnx for making my morning happy. Keep writing - it is a lost art now too!

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on September 09, 2011:

Post-Menopause- You'd have more time if you'd just use some of these great excuses! :)

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on September 09, 2011:

bwhite - Well, if you use the skunk excuse, it might be good for a couple of days! Thanks for your comments and your vote!

Brianna W from East Coast on September 09, 2011:

This is great! I could really use some of these excuses. You have a great sense of humor. My boss is a hard one to crack though, but maybe the skunk one will work. LOL! Voted up.

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on September 09, 2011:

Randomcreative - Glad you enjoyed my cat pictures - my cats definitely know how to relax! It sounds like your cat does too! Thanks for your comments!

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on September 09, 2011:

Kasmir -- Haha, Kasmir, I'm sure you would never use any lame excuse to get out of work or anything else! Thanks for stopping by to comment!

Rose Clearfield from Milwaukee, Wisconsin on September 09, 2011:

The cat picture cracked me up. I always give my cat a hard time when she greets me with a big yawn when I come home, as though she was the one who was out working hard all day. :)

diogenes from UK and Mexico on September 09, 2011:

I haven't done bugger all today, but my excuse is genuine, arthritis in foot! Ow!

Of course, if I hadn't put off my diet with one excuse ot other I wouldn't have high purine in the blood and a sore foot, so it serves me right.

I would have liked to have left a better comment, but I am in a hurry, because.....Here we go again! Good farticle Bob

Thomas Silvia from Massachusetts on September 09, 2011:

Thanks i enjoyed reading this hub,i would never use any of those excuses but i enjoyed reading them .

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on September 09, 2011:

Joyklu - Thanks for stopping by to read my hub and for commenting. Since I always have a ready excuse, it was so easy to write! :)

Femmeflashpoint - Glad you enjoyed the hub and photos! My cats set great examples of the value of a cat nap. I know I've used a bunch of the excuses for not writing myself -- gotta stop that! Thanks for stopping by and for your support!

femmeflashpoint on September 09, 2011:

LOL! I loved this! And the photos (as Lethal Leprechaun often says) are "bang on!"

I especially loved the Best Excuses For Not Writing section. Sadly, so many are often exactly what runs through writers' minds, lol.

Great job on a fun read!

Stephanie Henkel (author) from USA on September 09, 2011:

Susan - I can't believe I forgot the "if I don't eat it, it will go bad" excuse! I've used it myself!

Haha...getting out of speeding tickets is a lost art! Thanks for the reminders and thanks for stopping in to comment!

Jokylu from Waratah North, Victoria. on September 09, 2011:

Stephanie, I loved this hub, you have put such a lot of thought into it and I really like your easy style of writing.Looking forward to reading more of your hubs.

Susan Zutautas from Ontario, Canada on September 09, 2011:

This was a fun hub. I really like #19. Here is one for dieting: If I don't eat it it will go bad and I hate to waste food.

Cleaning: Why dust it will just come back again tomorrow.

I've used your #1. to get out of a ticket :) It actually worked.

Related Articles