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Top 10 Scariest Yu-Gi-Oh Monster Archetypes

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Hope I did the quote justice, even though I'll admit Bride of Frankenstein did it better.

Hope I did the quote justice, even though I'll admit Bride of Frankenstein did it better.

Most Yu-Gi-Oh players forget, when looking at their Magician Girl and uncensored Harpie Lady pin-up posters, that every card you can summon is technically a monster. That Warrior Lady of the Wasteland looking at you seductively on the ground? A monster. The Dark Magician Girl flying in suggestively on her “magic stick?” A monster. The entire Amazon archetype, with their tone bodies and curved physiques? Sorry buddy, but all monsters. With cards featuring lil’ killer plant and bug girls, little kids pulling pranks, and two zombie-buddies singing out their head-holes, it’s no wonder Yu-Gi-Oh monsters changed from being nightmarish phantasms birthed from Freddy Krugar’s basement to a party of the 3rd movie Gremlins. However, just as all dogs bite, all Yugioh monsters have the power to send you screaming into the Shadow Realm, yet some possess that ability to make us think twice upon their summon into this unholy realm (And by unholy realm, the writer means your dining room table you haven’t dusted for a week). The following list details the top ten most terrifying Yu-Gi-Oh archetypes. Be warned: This list doesn’t come with your asthma pump, a pacemaker, or a diaper.

This is your grandpapy's Dracula here.  Not those gimpy, sparkling pretty-boys and gals we're now used to.

This is your grandpapy's Dracula here. Not those gimpy, sparkling pretty-boys and gals we're now used to.

10. Vampire

Remember those days when vampires were the trope codifier of the relentless, undead terror? Yeah, neither does the writer. As terrifying memories of Interview with the Vampire and Bram Stoker’s Dracula were replaced by the leather clad and sparkling gimps of Underworld and Twilight (respectively), the genuine fear vampires brought to the horror genre have long been staked and left in the sun to burn. However, this hasn’t stopped Yu-Gi-Oh card designers from trying to resurrect the goosebumps these sexy zombies once instilled. The artwork for Shadow Vampire and Vampire Duke look like something you’d imagine in an Anne Rice novel, and many of the archetype’s members, even the sexier ones, maintain the atmosphere of dread evoked by these night-stalkers. With such terrifying artwork, bringing some much deserved horror back into the cold veins of these monsters, the writer bets you’re wondering why they’re so low on the list. The same answer applies to why they’re on the list in the first place: Because they’re vampires. The thought of being hunted by a dead person who needs your blood to live is frightening, but not as frightening as the damage the “fanboys and fangirls” of the monsters have done to their image. Even if you happen to come across one while taking out the trash, instead of asking yourself, “How am I going to die,” you’ll be asking yourself: “Can I do it?” or, even worse: “Will it sparkle?” If you’re an abomination upon man and your prey stops and thinks whether being hunted by you is a bad idea, then it’s time to turn in your monster card (no pun intended). However, the vamps of the Duel Monsters realm at least try to give you a scare, which earns them, at the least, a spot on this list.

"Everything that glitters isn't always gold, but your blood on my axe glitters just fine."   -Goldd of the Dark World

"Everything that glitters isn't always gold, but your blood on my axe glitters just fine." -Goldd of the Dark World

9. Dark World

I was surprised, despite the large number of fiends available in the game, how few of them actually seemed terrifying enough to put on this list. The Dark Worlds hit the number 9 spot, despite their bipedal, possibly relatable appearance, because how closely they resemble threatening demons invading from hell. Yeah, we know, the Burning Abyss are horrors from the abyss too (You can calm down fans of the video game, because none of you read the epic poem anyway :P), but the Dark Worlds resemble what invading demonic horrors from a hellish dimension might actually look like, reinforcing their terror potential with brutish weapons a normal person couldn’t wield. Their play style only fuels the imagination on with what speed and ferocity they could rain Cane on our world… but they still only make it to the 9th spot. Afterall, we haven’t forgotten, behind that foreboding feeling we get upon seeing a Goldd snarling cold air while chasing us with a massive guillotine, that they’re all still Oscar the Grouch’s dumpster babies, and their once mightiest warrior was named after a rainbow.

Something with a name that odd has to be terrifying, as if saying it will summon Voldemort and the Reapers from the realm of Cthulhu.

Something with a name that odd has to be terrifying, as if saying it will summon Voldemort and the Reapers from the realm of Cthulhu.

8. Earthbound Immortal

I won’t lie: The first time I saw the Earthbound Immortals, namely Ccapac Apu (Trying saying that 5 times fast), I was amazed. In the animated show, no Yu-Gi-Oh monster was the Kaiju-level sizes of these guys, not even Five-Headed Dragon, the largest monster I had seen before these giants tormented from crop circles of blue fire. And that’s it, guys. The Earthbound Immortals are ENORMOUS, leading you to believe even if your lifepoints were above their attack points, an attack from one of these behemoths would still spell the end of one’s dueling career and life. Taking into account these monsters’ ability to possess the one wielding them even if “the power of friendship” managed to crack the duelist’s misguided notions, and the Earthbound Immortals definitely earn a notch in their terror belt. However… Of course you saw this coming: One of largest, most intimidating set of duel monsters to stomp a yard (more like a city) are from the show most Yu-Gi-Oh enthusiasts have trouble taking seriously, one where deciding the world’s fate with card games must now be done on motorcycles. Sure, this is still the most grim Yu-Gi-Oh show to date, where reporters get dueled to death out of skyscraper windows, the protagonist and his best friends are essentially ex-cons, and children duel with cardiac arrest-inducing devices strapped to their chests, but the WTFness of the “dueling on motorcycles” theme doesn’t help the Earthbound Immortals gain the same notoriety of Godzilla or a rabid Clifford. By themselves though, the Earthbound Immortals still earn a mark in scaring the ‘ish out of you, or at least enough of one to make the 8th spot on this list.

Don't judge this angel by its cover.  I heard as long as one follows their gospel in the Necronomicon, they serve tea and breakfast every morning and host trivia nights on Saturdays.

Don't judge this angel by its cover. I heard as long as one follows their gospel in the Necronomicon, they serve tea and breakfast every morning and host trivia nights on Saturdays.

7. Tindangle

We’ve come from the show no one took seriously to the one with the least acclaim (Seriously? Dueling on… surfboards 0_o?). Since these eldritch, cyber dogs are based on the Cthulhu mythos, it’s easy to understand how looking into their dreadful, angular corners can cause fear and madness in any duelist facing them. The primary thing making the Tindangles horrifying is the fact that, without me looking up what the heck they were, I honestly had no idea what the hell I was looking at. I have to admit, besides the whole surfing thing, Yu-Gi-Oh! Vrains had some of the most interesting, creative monster designs the series has produced so far. But dragons fused with rockets and… whatever the Altergeists are (Not looking it up :P) just don’t produce in us the spine-tingling, nerve-wracking, lurking fear the Tindangles bring when looking at their cold, dead, triple-threat-of-60 degrees, making them the most frightening cards from that era. I just wish they were wielded by someone other than a 3rd-rate duelist from the show.

"You're in Danger!"  What type of warning is that?  More like:  "Danger! You're about to be horribly maimed" or "Death is about to put you in Danger!"  Meh, just doesn't sound as good I guess.

"You're in Danger!" What type of warning is that? More like: "Danger! You're about to be horribly maimed" or "Death is about to put you in Danger!" Meh, just doesn't sound as good I guess.

6. Danger!

If you thought Danger! wasn’t going to be included in a terrifying monster list, then I suggest you brush up on your Poe and stop using "Leprechaun in the Hood" as a reference. I mean, just look at the artwork for these guys: They have a support card featuring a werewolf, thunderbird, and Chupacabra about to gang-murder somebody. Giving cryptids the horror treatment was an ingenious move on Konami’s part, granting them a solid spot of this list, especially when you consider the Lair of Cryptids has a secret pact with the Dark World to genocide us meager humans. There’s just one, itty-bitty thing hurting them from making it into the top 3… And no, it isn’t because of the silly wordplay used with Danger! Zone and You’re in Danger! It’s because every time I see a Danger! card, I’m reminded of that song by Mystikal… Oh, and I still don’t know whether I’m in danger with I see a Jackalope about to gore me.

Holy creeper-crawling-Jeebees!  I think these monstrosities are scarier than the Terra-Formers.  The Season 1 horrors, mind you; not the Season 2 Shonen-friendly variety.

Holy creeper-crawling-Jeebees! I think these monstrosities are scarier than the Terra-Formers. The Season 1 horrors, mind you; not the Season 2 Shonen-friendly variety.

5. Steelswarm

Spiders, roaches, locusts, water bugs, cave crickets, centipedes… Arthropods will always have a frightening place in our hearts, and there are enough creepy cards based on them in Yu-Gi-Oh to give Misty from Pokemon a mouth-foaming heart attack. However, no insect based archetype elicits as much terror as these giant bug-men. Sure, the Inzectors are more dangerous, but the Steelswarm were essentially Monarchs before they were cool and have cool cards with “Infestation” in the title. The heart-pounding notion arises when one considers what is meant by “Infestation” in the Steelswarm world. Are they summoning swarms of their buddies to scoop you away for re-purposing, food, or probing experiments? Or are they perhaps turning you into a new bug-man, using a beam version of the machine that turned Jeff Goldblum into a horrific hybrid in “The Fly?” Will they come from the dark holes in your doorways via the Infestation waves? Or will the waves make your transformation slow, painful, and maddening as you shed your skin and slowly lose every shred of your humanity? It was never the insects themselves which garnered fear from humans, but rather the fear of what will come after they nest, which allows the Steelswarm to crawl above its bug brethren (Bugthren?) to a spot on this list.

Holy thousand blades Batman!  Death from a thousand cuts never looked so terrifying, unless he hits an artery or chops off a limb or something...

Holy thousand blades Batman! Death from a thousand cuts never looked so terrifying, unless he hits an artery or chops off a limb or something...

4. Frightfur

Add in the Five Nights at Freddy’s appeal, along with the swag of the Puppet Master, Annabelle, and some Child’s Play, and you have the horrid-stuffing the Frightfurs are made of. These Earth-angels turned playhouse fiends not only look like something you wouldn’t want to trip-on-nothing-over while fleeing for your life, but they also look genuinely dangerous, the chainsaws and blades these hell-toys wield leaving nothing to the imagination on what would happen if they caught you. Oh, and did you know these monsters were smart enough to create a factory to mass produce themselves? I for one am glad the Frightfurs are restricted to card form, for it would take one hell of an exorcism, most likely one from the Catholic Church of Hellsing, to put these monsters’ souls to rest. Until then, I’ll just keep a shotgun and a golf club in my closet… Unless I see Frightfur Chimera. Then I’m running, because that S.O.B has rockets in its mouth.

Imagine it's your head where that wolf's head is.  Just imagine it.  Sorry for the nightmares you'll get tonight.

Imagine it's your head where that wolf's head is. Just imagine it. Sorry for the nightmares you'll get tonight.

3. Amorphage

What’s worse than being transformed into a creature devoid of humanity, representing a frightening shadow of whatever amicable qualities you once possessed? How about most of your body being attached to a foreign entity while the rest of you is fully conscious of the grotesque deeds you’re about to commit? Such is the fate of any monster afflicted with the curse of the Amorphages. While most Yu-Gi-Oh cards, especially those embodying the characteristics of being monsters, showcase cool artwork or creepy imagery (Like Jason, Michael Myers, Candyman, and Pinhead all having a horror catwalk on a runway of disembodied heads), the Amorphage cards simply showcase the terror the Dracoverlord unleashes upon the Dueling World, a dragon-growth manipulating the majority of the monster’s flesh to do its bidding, the rest of the creature helpless in its compliance. Sadly, the Amorphage Infection comes with a heavy price, like the price those dumb aliens paid in War of the Worlds by not sending drones to scout Earth first: The husks they inhabit rot after one turn, the ones in reserve exploding too if they can’t feed on the corpse before they rot away. A heavy price yet still a grim toll, one making the Amorphage corrupt to the bottom of the top three.

Why does Yu-Gi-Oh hate Wind monsters so much?  I ask you?  Out of all the "Monsters" they could show strung up in agony, it had to be Winda.  I swear...

Why does Yu-Gi-Oh hate Wind monsters so much? I ask you? Out of all the "Monsters" they could show strung up in agony, it had to be Winda. I swear...

2. Shaddoll

The Shaddolls are the runner-ups in the scariest Yu-Gi-Oh monsters, because puppets are creepy *Mic Drop*. No, but seriously, puppets, and they’re big, voluminous cousins, marionettes, were simply made to give children nightmares so they don’t want to spend all night sleeping in La-La Land, strapped to the IV beds from Inception, and you can’t convince me they were made for any other purpose. My personal prejudices aside… No archetype better embodies the qualities of “Wow, these guys are more evil than a man with an all black leather outfit wearing sunshades at night, riding around in a black SUV with an obsession with monologues” than the Shaddolls. The Steelswarm? We’re actually the invading aliens, and Earth is their home. The Frightfurs? Actually good hearted toys under the control of a madman obsessed with emulating immortality. And those Amorphages? The Earth is overpopulating and this is the only way to correct it. The Tindangles? You don’t care, and neither do I, because you don’t know what they are anyway. But those Shaddolls… I’m sorry my friend, but if your best bud comes at you, begging to be saved, his arm joints now balls and gears, his face splintered wood, then you better save your prayers and give him a swift end. For he’s on a string, and the only end results will be either you joining his master’s puppet army or him snatching another unfortunate soul for Sasori’s workshop. Besides, is that even him, or a puppet made to look like him? So, unless you want to end up in worse shape than a volunteer for Vincent Sinclair's wax “museum,” you better start believing in the terror of the Shaddolls. There is no salvation; only strings.

Is it just me, or does this look like something from a Human Centipede sequel?  It does, doesn't it? Yu-Gi-Oh/ Human Centipede shared universe connection confirmed.

Is it just me, or does this look like something from a Human Centipede sequel? It does, doesn't it? Yu-Gi-Oh/ Human Centipede shared universe connection confirmed.

1. Gimmick Puppet

If the scientist from the Human Centipede formed an alliance with the Reapers from Mass Effect, created a Yu-Gi-Oh deck, and gave it his blessing, it would be the Gimmick Puppets. A deck with monsters so horrid the English dub had to censor them for non-erotic reasons, one has to wonder where the inspiration for such creepy monsters came from. Are they possessed with the spirit of the Devil? Are they just physically dangerous, like the Frightfurs without all the sharp blades? Or were they concocted from the mind of a mad toy maker who escaped an internship from EA Games? Whatever crazed mind formed these monstrosities and translated them to paper, the Gimmick Puppets are still the most frightening Yu-Gi-Oh monsters ever to spread dread from the Duel Monsters realm. Don’t believe me? Spend the night with a Gimmick Puppet Shadow Feeler or Bisque Doll on your nightstand, and find out.

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