Kenneth Avery is a Southern humorist with well over a thousand fans. The charm and wit in his writing span a nearly a decade.
it was as simple to cook a good meal as it was to eat it? I do. Matter of factly, to look at me you would conclude that I have ate several meals. I am what one could call a "non-discriminate eater," because I hardly turn-down any food that I am offered. To bring it down to you, it was like food and I struck up a relation when I was young, and we never parted.
There were times when "I" thought that I was much in-need of a slimmer, trimmer body. You see? I was in my late 20's, and with my work schedule, I made up my mind to lose a few pounds of weight. My "few" pounds ended up as 81 pounds and this affected my nerves today and this "Diet Encounter" took place in 1981. My wife is quick to remind me this "tragic" time every time that I ask for seconds when I eat a good plate full of great food--and with my wife manning our ktichen, I have never ate a bad meal from her talented hands. Oh, enough about my wife and I because now, I am growing hungry.
I Take You Back to 1961
when I was eight and had first-grade under my belt, so really, besides using my imagination to spend the time outside (when my school was out for summer vacation) and I did not have many toys to play with, so it was imaginary games, talking with my dogs, and meal time. You can guess which of the three things that I loved most.
How I would be amazed at watching my mom (and dad at times) stand over the wood stove and put bacon in one pan; cornbread in another one and another vegetable in the third skillet. The aromas emitting from the food cooking was too much for me. I almost ran like a wild boar to attack the stove, but I just sat still at our dining table. Finally, my mom began serving the delicacies to my dad and mom and me for the evening meal.
All was right was my stomach and the world when mama did the cooking.
As The Years Went by
things changed. All except mom and her cooking. This stayed consistent and how I thanked God for giving her such a vast array of cooking talent to go with those gifts that He had already given her. No matter what was happening around us, we could always count on mom and her skillets. But when my dad bought her an electric stove, it was as if she had went to Heaven because she was so glad to just cook with elecgricity and not wood.
Still, she kept her love for her skillets near. Sometimes she would uset hem instead of baking pizza's, frying fish and making southern-based tea. I said all of these things out of appreciation for my mom and dad, because I am leading up to something. And I promise, you will hopefully agree with me on the points I make.
This Part of My Piece Began
on the evening of two Thursday's ago. My wife and I had a good day, but it was nevertheless, uneventful. Sometimes these days are the best. We ate dinner, turned-on the evening news at a big network news corporation, and after that, there was this man claiming to be an expert chef from England. I knew that he was English, from the accent he used. I apologize for not being impressed, but what he was selling made-up for it.
To add to the suspense of this purchase, he told me several times that his skillet sets and other smaller pieces of cookware were only five easy payments of such and such and if I acted tight then, he would make one of the payments himself. What a great guy. Not many infommercial emce's would do that. Unfortunately, my wife saw what I was doing and before she could let her voice grow higher, she told me with (one) easy sentence that I was not going to use any credit card for these skillets although she did agree that she would love to have them.
I did not even scratch the surface of this "cookware adventure," and the term, 'scratch the surface' made me think of what the English emcee kept saying about the "Super Skillet," you could use a mixer, drill, spoon, fork, and hit the surface very srong and no scratches would surface. Okay. Why didn't this guy sell the surface to our Armed Forces? A lot of lives could be spared simply if a bullet will not puncture the skillet, the material that was used to make a bullet-proof shirt would not stand a chance with any bullet.
Okay. I have minimized the "Super Skillet," which I gave this all-around do-it-all piece of cookware because I started to imagine that if a 10-pound turkey can baked in this skillet, or a huge pot roast and hundreds of cakes, well, I may save up my dollars and call the company which makes this "Super Skillet," and if the food looks this good in the infommercial, then I'm all in.
But there was a rock in the road. I had settled on the "Super Skillet," but when I turned-away to head to Sports Center, I accidentally-landed on another low channel and you know what? That very same English salesman was hawking "another" brand of skillet that, as he said, so hard that it can be hit with pieces of cement then just take a paper towel and wipe it clean. I saw that happen on this presentation. But the price of "this" skillet was about the same as the "Super Skillet," so what should I do? Would you please comment at the bottom of this hub and let me read your advice.
And On Another Channel
I witnessed a pretty girl and an American guy talking about a salad maker that would save the wife or husband in the family a ton of time. Yaay! A novel idea for once. It was time to create something that would save work for the housewife because only God knows as much as they do, this "Sir Salad," would be right up their alley.
It was very simple. You take (a) cucumbe and place it inside the holder where two very sharp blades are fixed and wihen the handle is shut down, within 1 millionth of a second, bam! You have a completely-cut-up cucumber. The "Sir Salad," is not the thing's real nme (because I am not going to use real names and get into trouble,) but anything from a red potato to an apple can easly be hacked to use on salads, but I did find out that you cannot use a watermelon or canteloupe inside the salad maker because of the size. Yes. Clean-up was an easy time. All a person had to do was hold "Sir Salad" underneath tap water and within seconds, bam! A clean "Sir Salad" for you to store for the next time.
This was all that I could stand on the one night that I watched two of the miracle skillet and the produce cutter for salad. I though that I was finished. Not so.
On The Very Next Night
I went back to another high channel--way above the major networks and beyond the foreign tongue speaking song channels, to hopefull learn more about the things that we could use in our kitchen when we wanted a change from eating-out to making our meqls ourselves.
Soon as I thought that, another guy, a slim guy, and another pretty brunette girl were both singing the praises of this frying machine that could cook a whole tukey in less than two hours; a package of hot dogs in less than three minutes. These are but two fantastic examples that the male emcee said in his presentation. And as he was talking, the pretty brunette would just reach in and grab a hefty bite of whatever he was cooking. Then I realized how the pretty brunette kept her perfect figure: she did not eat the baked turkey, chocolate-filled dough nuts and such. Guess that the bake machine inventor demanded that a pretty, slim woman be on the screen with the male emcee or he would shop for another high channel to shop his machine.
Here's My Opinioin
about all three of these "skillets" made with the material that even Super-Man would be proud, I am going to get into the utensil inventing game and see if I can score an infommercial and get myself a deal on another one of those high channels, oh, and I have to hire myself a pretty brunette to help me sell the utencil/appliance that you will soon read about.
But my infommercial is not going to be a garden variety commerical, no, sir. Along with the pretty brunette (not the one with the Englishman), I do want her to be able to twirl two batons which are on fire to keep viewers' attention. Plus, I want a host of several rock 'n rollers from the 70's and 80's with whomever is left in their bands and between my sales pitches, the original band can do their biggest hits.
Wouldn't you like to see, Vince Neal and Tommy Lee of Motley Crue; Eddie Van Halen and his brothers doing their hit songs and then bring on the "Little Band From Texas," ZZ Topp. And these guys will be able to sell their CD's, 8x10 colored, ,autographed photos with the viewers' names on them when they call me to buy my invention that is coming up.
I will be selling an All-in-One Cooker, Fryer, Juicer, Cake Mixer, which will be very space-friendly to whatever kitchen where it will be used. My invention will be named: All For One, and that name will be on the lips of every household in the U.S.A. Along with the time-saving apps that I have on the All For One, are two Military-based unbreakable flashlights and sunglasses that you can see in the dark. You can use these if you ever want to take your One For All on a camping trip.
The All For One also plays music by the bands of the 80's because I want to help these guys some for I know that most of them are broke, so the All For One will be like a dream come true. When the All For One is not being used, just flip the handy door on the front and out pops a huge plasma TV that is solar-powered because I have also put an entire set of outside house lights that when you park the All For One, it will drive-away the raccoons, pesky salesmen, (oops!) and the last thing I am giving you is that thing that this elderly man is selling that says I can get inside, buckle my feet and stand up with my head on the bottom--all to bring me almost perfect health.
The guy jumps and says, "Look! I look 88, and kind of feeling great!" Okay. This one does exist, but I had to change the main sentence of this man. So when my commerical is filmed, I want to be seen riding my All For One just like a Harley (I have the same motor in my All For One too) and when I roll up, I will hand the viewers a plate of perfectly-roasted chickens, taco's, fried eggs, sausages, and orange juce which I have made inside my All for One.
I will jump off of my All For One and say, "I am 67! Well-fed and I feel full!" How's that? Oh, you can stop gazing at my brunette assistant now.
January 25, 2021_______________________________________________
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© 2021 Kenneth Avery
DW Davis from Eastern NC on January 26, 2021:
How soon will your All For One be available in the As Seen on TV display at my local Bed, Bath, and Beyond?
Wait a second ...
Uh, nevermind. The missus tells me our local BB&B has closed its doors.
Enjoyed the Hub.