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I Want Beef, Not to Eat The Lawn

I was born in the south. I live in the south and will die in the south. This is only a small part of the memories I share.

No wonder that this man is smiling.

No wonder that this man is smiling.

Writer's explanation: In this piece, toward the end, I used three brands of hot dogs made in America: Hebrew National, Oscar Mayer and Zeigler's. In no way am I promoting the products that these companies sell or pressuring you to sell the products. I used these brands to help my editorial comment. Thanks, Kenneth.

I'm sick of it! Sick to death ot it! Sure I can endure at least 90% of all the TV commercials, radio spots, newspaper display ads and billboards selling one thing or the other, But, and I hope you agree, I've had it. The main reason for my anger is not a TV commercial about some green lizard using an English tone of voice hoping that I will buy the insurance that he is selling. Well, I tell you. That ship has sailed. I'm not that bad of a guy, and I'm not even that upset about the rest of the advertising vehicles because I know that these businesses have to make money, or shut down, God forbid!

I was in the newspaper grind for 23 years and we took a stiff sales meeting once every month and the "numbers," another name for our profit and loss read-out, to show if we had lost or won that valuable revenue. As for as the radio and billboard companies, I am wagering that they too have employees with mouths to feed. theirs. And their families as well. So I do understand almost every bit of creativity at those big ad agencies on Fifth Avenue in New York City, because these guys and dolls work their tails off, and yes, for that dollar that will buy more food.

Oops! I let the "burger out of the bag!" I am not going to apologize. I am a flag-flying American with freedoms that I can use (up to a limit) and here is one I am going to use: The Bill of Rights that guarantees me free speech. Plus I am not about to slander or sling mud on anyone, so relax.

So listen-up! Who does those "Money Health-Crazed Merchants" believe what we are, stupid? Evidently so. One of the big burger giants started advertising something called a Beef Burger That Wasn't Beef, in fact, the burger was made from PLANTS!

You read it right, plants. The ad agency who handled this account even showcased "real customers" taking huge bites of their Plant Burger. One of the actors even read (from script) "Hey, this even tastes like beef!" Nope, it sure doesn't. What we have now is a confusing juncture where fantasy has tried to marry reality and the arrangement has failed.

One burger is fine but two is pure Heaven.

One burger is fine but two is pure Heaven.

Since these Plant Burger ads have played, I haven't seen anymore on TV and I am the happiest TV viewer in the world. And to further explain the burger debacle, the ad folks did not take the time to reveal just what type of plant this burger chain was using? Hey, America! Doesn't that cause you to be a littl bit suspicious? Or has your senses been so dulled that you will eat or buy whatever comes down the pike? I would study the new health burger before it hit my mouth. Yes, sir, I would. I am not that conservative, but a health burger?

For all that we know, the southern-based plant, Kudzu, might have been used to make this beefy burger. I did some research on this and found out that Kudzu makes a fine food for cattle, but we are NOT cattle. We like to dress-up nice and take our good companion to our favorite restaurant or burger store and dine in peace--without any repercussions of what our food has really been made from. In short, if I buy a breakfast with eggs, toast and bacon, I want all these items to be the real deal. No fake bacon, eggs, or toast for yours truly.

And I will ask you, if this current health burger should, even accidentally, began to get traction and then takes over the entire Real Burger-Fans of America, what then? What next? Will we soon be seeing fake hot dogs? But wait. Even now the Real Hot Dogs have taken a bad rap from some of the healthy people who have tried to tell us what hot dogs are made from.

The scriptwriters from "King of Queens," that once-starred Kevin "Doug Heffernan" James and Carrie "Spooner" Heffernan, had a bit of true reality when Doug and his "International Parcel Service" buddies were in "Doug's" backyard kicking back, drinking cold ones and munching the tasty hot dogs that "Doug" was grilling. Before the scene was over, "Doug," asks, "anybody want another dog?" Most of his buddies (except Victor "Deacon" Williams) who started to explain that he saw on TV how hot dogs were really made. Then "Doug" stopped him and said, "we shouldn't hear anything like that!" "Doug" said which rings what I, and most of America believes that hot dogs are delicious. If not, then allow me to ask, if hot dogs are not healthy, why doesn't someone tell Hebrew National, Oscar Mayer, Zeigler's and more companies such as these?

I thought so.

A burger with bacon is supr-delicious.

A burger with bacon is supr-delicious.

So as the sun slowly goes down in the west, there are people somewhere in our country, maybe the world, about to fire-up their grills and toss-on (not another baw-bee) but a hot dog and in seconds flat, they will be eaten and these folks will be satisfied. This is their right to cook and eat what they want. This is America.

If hot dogs-eating is wrong, then explain Nathan's Annual Hog Dog-Eating Contest held each Fourth of July at Coney Beach, N.J.

And if you subscribe to the "Healthy Plant Burger Craze," then be prepared for scenes like this: Husband: "Heyyy, Margie! Hurry and get me the Riding Mower to mow the lawn because I am taking you to dinner!"

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© 2021 Kenneth Avery


BRENDA ARLEDGE from Washington Court House on August 02, 2021:

I'm with you...my beef needs to be beef.

I've actually been wondering lately about a few fast food places...csuse the burger just don't taste as good anymore.

I'm surely hoping they didn't switch without our knowledge.

Interesting way of telling us about it...yes, I've seen the commercial.

Peggy Woods from Houston, Texas on August 02, 2021:

A kudzu burger. Yum! (Smile)

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