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Food Labels: Ranch Dressing (Warning....This May Cause Laughter)

AN EXPERIMENT AT HOME

I don’t know about you, but for most of my adult life I did not spend a lot of time reading food labels on the foods I bought from the grocery store. I don’t remember my mother ever doing that when I was a kid, and I guess I just got in the habit of buying an item, taking it home, and eating it, without getting into any heavy reading in-between. After all, I buy food to eat, and because I’m hungry. I buy books to read because I want reading material. I do not buy food to read or books to eat. I think my logic is fairly sound here.

However, lately I have gotten in the habit of reading some of those food labels, and I gotta tell ya, it’s like reading a Stephen King novel. Scares the living bejeebers out of me! Did you ever read Rachel Carson’s book “Silent Spring” about DDT? Well, read that, and then I dare you to eat anything purchased in a grocery store without first reading the label.

Oh, so you think I’m joking? Well fine, allow me to grab an item at random from our refrigerator, and I’ll share with you what the label says. Then I will let you be the judge on whether this stuff should be eaten or not. I vote NOT but we will just see if you agree with me.

Okay, I’m reaching into the refrigerator, with my eyes closed, and what do I grab? Kraft Ranch Dressing & Dip. Are you ready?

The item under scrutiny

The item under scrutiny

NUTRITIONAL FACTS

Hahahahahahahahaha! Nutritional facts! Already it’s funny! Let’s see, we are told that a serving size is 2 Tbsp, or about 30 grams. Are you kidding me? I hate salads, so to make them palatable I need more than two damn tablespoons of this crap! I need to kill the taste of those green leaves with anything that is handy, preferably a flame-thrower, but lacking that the Ranch Dressing will have to do, and tons of it thank you!

Okay, we are also told that there are 110 calories in 2 tablespoons. Hmmm….how many calories would there be in five huge squeezes and a couple shakes? Already I’m confused! It also says there are 110 fat calories in a serving size…is that opposed to skinny calories???

The product also has 11 grams of total fat which includes 1.5 grams of saturated fat. What makes up the other 9.5 grams of fat? Fattier fat? Deadly fat? I need to know this stuff! We also have 5 mg of cholesterol, 300 mg of Sodium, and 2 grams of Total Carbs. It has no Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Calcium or Iron. Now excuse me, but if you are trying to sell a product, why would you tell the consumer about all the good stuff YOU DON’T HAVE in the product?

My confusion continues, and my fear rises!

Let’s keep going and see what the ingredients consist of; that should be enough to insure our breaking down and weeping like a baby.

The author, always looking out for your best interests.

The author, always looking out for your best interests.

Some More Humor By Yours Truly

From A Friend of MIne.....Radcliff

  • Caesar Dressing Recipe: How to Stay Off the Bottle
    Pre-made salad dressings contain ingredients that everyone should try to avoid. Fortunately, making your own is simple. Here is a Caesar dressing recipe that is quick and easy to whip up for use in a variety of different meals and snacks.

INGREDIENTS IN KRAFT RANCH DRESSING

Okay, in simple fashion, the ingredients include water, soybean oil, vinegar, sugar, salt, starch, garlic juice, buttermilk, monosodium glutamate, xanthan gum, phosphoric acid, polysorbate 60, spice, artificial color, tartaric acid, artificial flavor, sorbic acid, and calcium disodium EDTA (to protect flavor). LOL

Also, in bold, it tells us that it contains eggs and milk!

By my count there are three different acids in this stuff. I don’t know about you, but I’m not swelling with positive energy and I haven’t even tasted it yet. Acid? There is nothing quite like eating something you know will be eating your innards from the inside out! ENJOY! I know, I know, there are some acids that are harmless, but where is the fun in that? Just go along with me and picture in your mind your spleen being eaten by phosphoric acid while you chew on your sprouts and lettuce like some tri-stomach four-legged beast of the prairie.

But I digress! Back to the ingredients! Could anyone tell me what polysorbate 60 is? Am I the only one who thinks that it is a bad idea to put that in your stomach? Whatever it is, it ain’t natural! God didn’t make natural things and give them a name and a number. No sir, that’s homemade stuff, brought to you directly from the laboratory at Kraft Industries, like some experiment gone bad with Dr. Frankenstein.

Well, I had to look it up, and I was immediately greeted with this information: polysorbate 60 is an emulsifier used in food preparation and pharmaceuticals. Huh? What in the living hell is an emulsifier? I’m a writer and I’m looking for a dictionary and a couple aspirin because I feel a headache coming on.

Anyway, we are also told that polysorbate 60 is also used in….get this….cosmetics, and it is most famous as being an active ingredient in Twinkies!

Are you laughing yet? I have tears in my eyes but I’m not sure it’s because of laughter. In other words, when I eat this delicious ranch dressing, I am eating an ingredient that is used in mascara AND Twinkies, the food that never spoils.

What’s that sound I hear? Thousands of consumers are rushing to their refrigerators, grabbing their ranch dressing, and pouring it down the drain! WAIT, STOP! You can’t pour that stuff down the drain; it’s going right into our water supply and we’ll end up drinking it next week. Seal it in a container, put it in a time capsule, and when the folks of the future open it in the year 2172, they will have something to eat if they are hungry.

Oh dear God, give me strength!

Take A Free Poll

SHALL WE CONTINUE?

What is modified food starch? I get nervous when someone tells me they modified my food. I picture some little dweeb of a scientist who hasn’t had a date in ten years, shooting who knows what into my food ingredients with a syringe. And artificial flavor? What’s wrong with real flavor? Isn’t it harder to make an artificial flavor than it is to use a real flavor? Probably explains why this man-made crud costs so much.

And why do they need to print, in bold lettering, that this product contains eggs and milk? Is that so we’ll see those two items clearly and we won’t delve into the fine print about cosmetic bases and Twinkie fillers?

Kraft Location

LOCATION

The only good news from this little exercise is that the label also tells us that Kraft Foods Global, Inc. is located in Northfield, Illinois, so it is an American company making American products, but I wouldn’t count on it being made here much longer. Rumor has it that the Chinese can make polysorbate 60 much cheaper in China, so don’t be surprised if you see Kraft moving those production jobs to China in the near future. Then we can pay twice as much for this same product because of shipping costs, and Kraft can double their profits.

STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT ITEM ON MY LIST

Yes, there will be a next time. You didn’t think I was going to be satisfied making fun of just one product, did you? Next week we will blindly grab another item out of our refrigerator and find out what else we are pouring down our gullets.

I would say “Live Long and Prosper” but seriously, what are the chances of that happening?

2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)

Comments

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on May 26, 2014:

Yep, I know that, anon...thanks.

anon on May 26, 2014:

The eggs and milk are in bold so that people with food allergies are made aware of the presence of those (very common) food allergens in the product.

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on April 24, 2014:

Thanks Suzette! This one was dead and buried in the archives and all of a sudden it found rebirth. I read labels, too, and if I can't pronounce an ingredient I won't eat it. Simple rule. LOL

Suzette Walker from Taos, NM on April 24, 2014:

This is halarious, Bill. God only knows what we eat when we buy processed foods! I am now a label reader and if I don't know what the ingredient is I don't buy it! Lol. Thanks for pointing out the absurd!

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on April 24, 2014:

Heidi, I love your description about the rabbit food. The quest does continue, my friend, but I have no doubt you will be victorious in your search.

As for the Google Gods...they are elusive, are they not?

Thanks, Heidi!

Heidi Thorne from Chicago Area on April 24, 2014:

How did I miss this one? Okay, looks like it got published before I joined HP.

I've been reading food labels since I was in my late teens, although I'm not a militant food warrior. I just look for products with the least amount of unpronounceable ingredients.

But here's my biggest problem with ranch dressing. I LOVE the branded Ranch Dressing at McDonalds's, but it's not the same as the same brand of it that's in the store. The stuff from the store tastes odd. I also love the ranch at a couple of restaurants in our area. I want to get a job there for a couple of days to see what they buy or make. But I'd probably have to get it in oil barrel size vats. I have never found a ranch from the store that I like, even the organic or all natural ones are gross. So my quest continues...

I've resorted to just drizzling olive oil and some grated cheese on rabbit food until I find the right ranch.

And, like you, I've seen some articles I wrote months and months ago just pop up in traffic. I'll thank HP and the Google Gods!

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on April 24, 2014:

Kathryn, it's good to see you again. You were a staple here and then life changed things and you were gone. I've missed you. This is an old article but suddenly people are reading it. Weird how that works. Anyway, I wish you well my friend and thank you.

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on April 24, 2014:

ologsinquito, it's enough to make you....sick! I am so tired of the modified crops and the damage companies like Monsanto are allowed to do....but we can fight back, and that's what this was about...that and have a little fun. Thank you for the comment and for caring.

Kathryn from Windsor, Connecticut on April 24, 2014:

I saw this on my feed, and even though I have been delinquent on this site lately, I read this out of curiosity. I love your humor, and it is fascinating to read the ingredients in the products that we eat.

Thanks for sharing this with us, and I hope you are enjoying the Spring :) In Connecticut we are finally seeing buds, flowers and greener grass. I just wish it would stop getting into the 40s at night.

~ Kathryn

ologsinquito from USA on April 24, 2014:

I look forward to reading your next article as well. As if those ingredients weren't bad enough, the soy and some of the other things in that bottle are most likely derived from genetically modified crops, engineered so they are resistant to a particular herbicide.

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on April 24, 2014:

Jeannie, this hub has actually done quite well. It seems quite a few people are interested in those ingredients. I'm with you...they scare the hell out of me.

Thank you...three visits...I'm honored.

Jeannie Marie from Baltimore, MD on April 24, 2014:

How did I miss this hub before? I guess I was not ready for the truth about salad dressing. It is best not to read labels too much anyway. Those ingredients scare me!

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on April 15, 2013:

MizB, I apologize, but I had to laugh at that last line of Mr. B's. Not that I want it to happen but it was a great line.

Well my friend, at least you found out that you are wheat sensitive and you can do something about it. I wonder how much wheat I eat? I'll have to give that some thought.

Have a great week my writing friend.

Doris James MizBejabbers from Beautiful South on April 15, 2013:

Well, Bill, I've gotta go back and eat some of my words, and they don't taste so good. I said (referring to thickeners) "What's wrong with wheat?" I just found out after I wrote my feedback to this hub that I am wheat sensitive but I haven't been tested for celiac yet. I probably won't opt for the test if going gluten free is a solution. Wheat is at the root of most of my digestive problems and body swelling. Then I found out that the health nuts are using xanthan gum as a replacement for wheat. We haven't used it yet, but Mr. B bought some to use in the gluten-free bread he sometimes makes for me. I found I was allergic to dairy products 13 years ago and gave them up then. Mr. B teases that maybe I should go eat wooly worms and die. Well, I never!

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on April 14, 2013:

Audrey, I am glad I could provide some tender loving care. It's weird that two people read this today, since it sat dormant for several months. Thank you for the re-visit my friend.

Feel better soon and I hope you are enjoying sunny California....is it sunny there? :)

love,

bill

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on April 14, 2013:

I know Beckie...I was just hoping you had weakened a bit on that stance of yours. LOL I should have known better.

Longer days and sunshine would be most welcome.

love to you too my friend

billy

Audrey Hunt from Idyllwild Ca. on April 14, 2013:

Bill - As I lay here coughing up everything but the kitchen sink and feeling less than terrible, I told myself I needed a good laugh to lift my spirits.

Remembering how hard I laughed the last time I read this, I knew it was time to read the Ranch Dressing Food Label with you once again.

And just as before, I laughed so hard that my cough came up, I feel like new and ready to climb Mt. Everest (or the anthill outside.)

Thanks my super-talented friend. You bring us all so much joy! Voted up and more and sharing again. Hugs.

Shining Irish Eyes from Upstate, New York on April 14, 2013:

Billy - You know me by now!!! I only write when I am not going to whine about myself! You know more than most, but I can not thank you enough for you continued friendship while I was recuperating.

Nothing has changed since the last time we chatted, except I am now looking forward to longer days and sunshine!

I love you Billy. Give my hugs and kisses to Bev as well.

XOXO

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on April 14, 2013:

Beckie, when I turned on the computer today I saw you had a new hub and I was actually very excited. I hope you drop me a line and tell me how things are going. I get worried when I don't hear from friends, and you, my dear, are a wonderful friend.

hugs and love,

billy

Shining Irish Eyes from Upstate, New York on April 14, 2013:

Wanted to make my first Hub visit one of yours Billy! Although I already commented, this is still as funny (and scary) as it was the first time around.

Love,

a tri-stomach four-legged beast of the prairie a.k.a. Beckie XOXO

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on April 14, 2013:

Pamela, I was reading something about corn syrup the other day. This is a huge problem in this country for health issues and it goes unnoticed by most. As for farmers growing their own.....we need much more of it. Companies like Monsanto are slowly poisoning us and we are unaware. I hope you write about it soon. Thank you!

Pamela Oglesby from Sunny Florida on April 14, 2013:

I'm glad you wrote this hub as it is something I have been interesting in for the past few years. It is amazing how many items contain corn syrup. If you walk throught the grocery store and check labels it is a huge number. The injections they give to livestock are also dangerous.

I was amazed when I started doing genealogy research how many actually lived to a pretty good ripe old age. They were the farmers though. These people essentially grew everything that ate, so no preservatives , unlike those who lived in the cities with shorter life spans. Excellent hub!

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on April 12, 2013:

LOL....Well, Michelle, we will forever be in the dark as far as what you look like. A mystery woman...I like that. :) Thanks...you have a great weekend too.

Michelle Dee from Charlotte, NC on April 12, 2013:

peekaboo!! :-) :-) that's too funny!

The original photo actually includes the whole face but for some reason when loading it here at Hubpages the photo got split in half. Have a great weekend.

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on April 12, 2013:

Efficient, I always like seeing your picture pop up....those eyes peeking out at the world. :) Thanks for reading one of my oldies and I agree, homemade salad dressing is so much better.

Have a great weekend!

Michelle Dee from Charlotte, NC on April 12, 2013:

When I first saw the photo of the Kraft salad dressing I said YIKES because I use this dressing quite often!! Yes this was very entertaining reading but at the same time thanks for writing about this subject because it is a serious matter our food supply can make us sick, what with all the artificial ingredients that are used.

Homemade salad dressing is so much more healthier, and you know what? It actually tastes better too. Amazing. Voted up and across.

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on November 18, 2012:

Au fait, it was an entertaining video; thanks for sharing it.

As for manufacturers trying to kill us....I'm not sure if that is their goal, but it certainly is the end result.

Thank you my friend!

C E Clark from North Texas on November 17, 2012:

Polysorbate 60 is a carcinogenic emulsifier that you should avoid. It's found in most convenience foods like chocolate syrup for your ice cream and even cake mixes and pudding cups. Yes, it's in creams and facial makeup too, to make them creamier. Here's a quick YouTube video (less than 2 mins) that will tell you all about it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adinAcvSrYQ

Basically, convenience food and cosmetics manufacturers are trying to kill us, whether they are located here in the states or in China.

Hope you don't mind my putting the video clip URL here, but it was almost as entertaining as your hub. Almost.

Excellent hub, food for thought -- no pun intended, useful, interesting, and will share.

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on October 03, 2012:

Sha, leave it to you to ruin my humor with some truth! LOL

You are right of course; can't trust anything that is store bought these days

love ya,

bill

Shauna L Bowling from Central Florida on October 03, 2012:

If I may interject, baked goods should never be store bought! Or anything, for that matter. If it's not from scratch (count the ingredients on one hand!) you can't claim kin to anyone's oohs, aahs and yums! Take pride. Take time. Savor the flavor of a smile brought about by your love and care..!

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on October 03, 2012:

Matthew, I'll have to check that out; I wasn't aware of it but I will be. Thank you!

Matthew Kirk on October 03, 2012:

Really enjoying your writing style and a few of your hubs.

You should think about doing one on apple pie, here some commercial products use the main ingredient for wallpaper paste for the filling; Yum! Probably be similar where you're from.

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on October 02, 2012:

Rajan, I think we are all better off ignorant on this issue, or none of us would ever eat. :) Thank you my friend!

Rajan Singh Jolly from From Mumbai, presently in Jalandhar, INDIA. on October 02, 2012:

Funny and enjoyable. I'm waiting for you to blow the next product to smithereens with your humor. I'll take care not to read labels of foods I love, now on. Lol !

Up & awesome, Bill.

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on October 01, 2012:

Rhonda, you are absolutely correct...smaller is not better when speaking about ingredients. Thanks for a great comment. I hope these hubs wake a few people up.

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on October 01, 2012:

Joan, it will be Wednesday, and it will be about Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup believe it or not. :) Thank you!

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on October 01, 2012:

Jaye, I do believe you are right. The next in the series comes out Wednesday....I'm looking forward to the comments on that one.

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on October 01, 2012:

Moonlake....shhh! Don't tell anyone, but I love Twinkies too! LOL

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on October 01, 2012:

Running, I hadn't thought about the mascara...I guess that would be like eating a sucker. LOL Thanks for the great comment.

Joan Whetzel on October 01, 2012:

Oh, I can't wait for the next installment.

toknowinfo on October 01, 2012:

Hi Bill, This is a great hub and I look forward to your next installment. I am one of those people that reads labels and sometimes puts the product back. The scariest part is what the label doesn't say. For example, when a product just lists spices on the label, that really means MSG, but they don't have to list it as MSG, because the federal govt says the amount is small enough that it doesn't have to be listed. Problem with small amounts is they add up.

Jaye Denman from Deep South, USA on October 01, 2012:

Seeing all these comments shows you've struck a nerve with this hub, Bill. I think more people are becoming health conscious and realizing that there's a lot of truth in that old saying, 'We are what we eat.'

moonlake from America on October 01, 2012:

Why did you have to say that? I love Twinkies.

RunningDeer from Iowa on October 01, 2012:

Live long and prosper! I'm glad we eat things from mascara and Twinkies. Although Twinkies are delicious, I've never thought about eating some mascara for a treat. I suppose you would eat it like a sucker? Hilarious hub. Voted up and shared!

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on October 01, 2012:

Jenbeach, your last point is a good one...food companies are allowed, by the Federal government, to do this stuff....makes me a bit nervous.

Thank you!

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on October 01, 2012:

Jaye, thank you for that information and the personal experience. Very helpful! The meat lover in me says I can avoid salads and then I don't have to worry about the ingredients in dressing....but Bev won't let me get away with that kind of thinking. :)

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on October 01, 2012:

Sharkye, thank you, and I admit, I'm in your camp in thinking that I'm going to die one way or another.....of course, that doesn't mean I'm in a big hurry for that to happen. LOL

jenbeach21 from Orlando, FL on October 01, 2012:

Great information and shared in a very funny way. This is why I buy organic as much as possible. The things we are allowed to put in our foods is scary!

Jaye Denman from Deep South, USA on October 01, 2012:

I'm an avowed reader of food labels, Bill, though I limit my purchases of processed foods as much as possible. If I make something from scratch, using only organic foods, I know what it contains. There are so many unsafe ingredients in packaged/bottled/canned foods (not to mention the BPA in many containers) that I just avoid nearly all of it.

Food safety has become something of an obsession with me, but I'm convinced the thyroid disease that caused me to need surgery two years ago was caused by all the soy food I ate as a vegan. Too many of the processed foods marketed as "healthy" are really very unhealthy.

By the way, there are recipes on the Internet for safe ranch-style dressings using plain organic Greek yogurt, organic olive oil, seasonings and herbs. The taste will be better, and you won't have to worry that you're putting something into your body that will harm your health.

Another good hub. Voted Up++ and shared.

Jaye

Jayme Kinsey from Oklahoma on October 01, 2012:

Very funny! I have to say that I have occasionally peeked at the labels, and looked up the ingredients. But I decided long ago that since we all die sometime anyway, I would rather go out having enjoyed my salad dressing. I agree with the serving sizes...who actually measures all the yummy stuff?

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on October 01, 2012:

Mary, or stated another way....ignorance is bliss! :) Thank you!

Mary Hyatt from Florida on October 01, 2012:

The moral of this story is: Don't read the label. If we only knew what went into the food we eat, we wouldn't buy any ready made products.

Great Hub. I voted it UP, will share.

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on October 01, 2012:

Becky, LOL it's the only dressing I eat too, so I'm doing damage to my eating habits as well, if that helps at all.

Sorry about that....maybe there is some good ranch dressing out there somewhere.....in the health stores?

Thank you my friend!

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on October 01, 2012:

Yvonne, it is your boyfriends loss for sure....but at least he served one purpose, making you more aware. I never cared in the past; now I definitely do.

Thank you!

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on October 01, 2012:

Prettynutjob, I"m not usually a person who is terribly concerned with what I eat, but I'm becoming more and more aware of the stuff we eat and it is frightening.

Thank you!

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on October 01, 2012:

Mary, I think Spam and Twinkies will be our lasting testament as a species. The foods that could not die, prepared by the people who were foolish enough to eat them. I have the next in this series percolating in my brain as we speak, and it is scary stuff.

Thank you my friend!

Rfordin from Florida on October 01, 2012:

billybuc,

Why did you have to choose Ranch dressing of all things to go "first" in what I am guessing to be a series of food additives and the like? We LOVE Ranch dressing here (my goodness my kids will eat vegtables if I have Ranch dressing). Surely now every time they as for Ranch I will think of you...... Next time I vote you pick something like pickled herring to do an ingrident review on. Simply because I'm sure my family is safe from those ill effects and it won't add worry to my life.

Thanks for sharing (kinda/sorta).

~Becky

Yvonne Spence from UK on October 01, 2012:

I remember, as a student, buying a packet of biscuits and my boyfriend at that time grabbed it and said I shouldn't be eating them. I was vegetarian, you see, and he was… well he was a trainee idiot - oops I mean lawyer - and so he liked an argument and proving points. So he read out the ingredients, and of course, there among them was "animal fats."

Me and said boyfriend didn't last much longer, but I've been reading labels ever since.

This was fun!

Mary from From the land of Chocolate Chips,and all other things sweet. on October 01, 2012:

Oh my goodness, now you got me thinking about my insides being eaten ha ha; great hub very funny and interesting, voted up and shared.

Mary Craig from New York on October 01, 2012:

You snuck this one by me, I can't believe its been three days...now on to your logic Spock... "I do not buy food to read or books to eat" makes perfect sense to me!

I, on the other hand am forced to read labels as I have Celiac, and let me tell you you have only scratched the surface of what is in our food...my wheat allergy has given me quite an education as well. For example, there is wheat flour in Twisters licorice and lipstick....wheat flour! I am so busy trying to find the wheat flour I am not even intimidated by the preservatives that will keep my body preserved long after I am gone....Twinkies and Oreos will be on this planet after life has become extinct, they are totally indestructible.

This was a great read Bill and I have a feeling the hubs to come in this series will be just as funny or funnier.

Voted up, useful, funny, and interesting. Oh, shared with my readers.

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on September 29, 2012:

Ricky, I wish I had given some thought to long life when I was 29....pretty forward thinking on your part. I was very lucky....am very lucky....to have been born with good genes, so the errors I made when I was young haven't cost me much in health....but I'm doing the right things now and that's what counts. Thank you my friend!

Richard Ricky Hale from West Virginia on September 29, 2012:

Bill, seemed like it took a long time to get down this far:) A much needed laugh for me as I sit here watching my old lady reading labels, no lie. She has a cold, sore throat, ect. Bill, I rarely ever read labels. I'm 29 but I am now getting to the point where I want to be healthy. It makes sense though, if you don't read it, who knows what is going in? Bill, great as always. I can see it is already a hit. Best wishes pal.

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on September 28, 2012:

Dianna, I'm thinking that extra arm would come in very handy. I might be able to do more hubs then. LOL I have become a label reader for self-preservation.

Have a great weekend Dianna!

Dianna Mendez on September 28, 2012:

Good laugh on this topic, Bill! I am one that reads almost every label of product I buy. I am a health nut! We prefer to cook from scratch with basic, natural, raw ingredients as a norm, but we do buy those nasty products on occasion. Just hope we don't grow an extra leg or arm over time! Wait, maybe that would come in handy! Voted up.

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on September 28, 2012:

Alicia, I am willing to bet that when you do find it in stores, it costs more than the artificial dressing....am I right?

There is insanity afoot! I'm just not smart enough to know how to stop it.

Thank you and have a great weekend!

Linda Crampton from British Columbia, Canada on September 28, 2012:

This is so funny, Bill - and so sad at the same time! A salad dressing can be made at home from healthy ingredients very quickly. The artificial ingredients in many store-bought products are truly scary. I have found some commercial salad dressings made with simple ingredients and no artificial substances, but they're hard to find in my local stores.

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on September 28, 2012:

Miz.....LOL....well I never! I haven't heard that since the last time I visited family in Iowa! Thanks for the laugh, and I agree totally. If I can't pronounce it or spell it, there is no reason for it to go into my stomach. It sure limits the number of foods that you can eat following that rule. LOL

Thank you so much; have a great weekend in Arkansas!

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on September 28, 2012:

Glimmer my friend, sometimes all we can do is laugh! I wrote this hub because I wanted people aware, and I figured it might be effective to do it as humor. Evidently a lot of people are now aware! :)

Thank you; have a great weekend!

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on September 28, 2012:

George, I have no idea how they do that, and I suspect that they don't. I just read the ingredients on a package of bagels and I think I now have my next hub in this series. Ridiculous!

Thank you and enjoy your weekend.

Doris James MizBejabbers from Beautiful South on September 28, 2012:

Oh, billybuc, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. You just shot to smithereens my illusions about my favorite dressing. Soybean oil -- I was so happy when they started adding that because I'm allergic to milk. Anyway about xanthan gum: I was in an ALLEGED health food store buying some strawberry gelatin that doesn't have red dye # 40 in it, and right there on the shelf was a box of pure xanthan gum. Curious, I read the label and it said "a natural thickener" for gravies, sauces, puddings.... Now what it wrong with flour as a thickener. If you are allergic to wheat, how about corn starch? But xanthan gum? If I have to look it up to spell it, I ain't puttin' it in my food. As they say in the hills, "well I never!" Again you got my vote.

Claudia Mitchell on September 28, 2012:

Not feeling so good now. Just got back from lunch a couple of hours ago and had a lovely salad with RANCH dressing. Ugh. Made me laugh though.

George Greene Jr. from California PA on September 28, 2012:

That does make you think ! I have worked in restaurants where they make their own dressing and I have yet to see anybody add Polysorbate 60 or modified food starch(actually a real ranch dressing doesn't even have starch). As for the eggs and milk though that is just for people who may have allergies.They do the same thing with peanuts.

Which is something else that gets me..some of these products are made on the same assembly line as some of these allergen foods. What they aren't cleaning the equipment ?

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on September 28, 2012:

Benisan, thank you for that great comment! Yes, it is all about shelf life now with foods, and that, to me, is disturbing. I love your comment about tortillas when you were younger....probably tasted great...may not have lasted long on the shelf, but no worries when you are hungry. I appreciate you commenting and your kind words. Thank you my friend!

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on September 28, 2012:

Martin, my hope is that, through humor, some people will become aware of the chemicals we are ingesting. Thank you my friend!

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on September 28, 2012:

Rich, I swear to God your comments are always funnier than my hub. I should be disappointed in that fact, but instead I just laugh out loud. Thanks buddy!

Ka'imi'loa from Tucson, AZ. on September 28, 2012:

Billybuc....long time reader, first time commenting. I do have to add this, as far as reading upon ingredients in everyday foods.

Being that I come from Hawai'i, where you have a great chance of being born pre-diabetic, food for us is on a: eat until you are tired, not when you are full...mentality. Caring about what is in your food isn't much of a care for, we consume so much starch its crazy, However, being that I have Mexican in my blood also, tortillas are something I enjoy eating as a "second" utensil (spell check) here on the mainland U.S. I remember seeing this simple process of four ingridients being made in the morning out back over a huge fire. Four ingridients, if only made at home with love.

The last time I saw a package of "flour" tortillas being sold, you would have thought I was in a particular aisle in Lowes or Home Depot. Over 9 extra stuff is added, and that is because I was told it's made this way for shelf-life. I guess the same way a Twinkie, is still considered edible years later. If my elementary teacher that taught us the triangle of nutrition in class could see what we are eating today!

Awesome Hub billybuc, look forward to more interesting reads from you.

Ka'imi'loa

Martin Kloess from San Francisco on September 27, 2012:

I used to read igredient labels. They can be quite funny. But, there are a number of thinggs I no longer eat,

Rich from Kentucky on September 27, 2012:

Sorry for being late, my friend. I've been reading labels!

Eating healthy means eating natural, but my wife can't stand to see me at the table without clothes, and to be honest, I prefer not to see her there that way, either. I'm not a vinegar and oil fan, basically because I don't like vinegar. It's great to keep a sunburn from itching, and that tells me I don't want to swallow it. If it takes away the itch on the outside, what's going to come out from the inside? I'll take my Bleau Cheese dressing and enjoy the lumps!

Great Job, my friend! Keep 'em coming!

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on September 27, 2012:

Kelly, I hope you are right....I really hope there are some major changes ahead. I was being funny in this hub but hoping at the same time that it would wake up a few people.

Thank you Kelly!

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on September 27, 2012:

Awww, Rachel, you saw right through my ploy! I rant and rave about a lot of things in this country, and there are times when humor will accomplish the same result. :) Thank you!

Rachel Koski Nielsen from Pennsylvania, now farming in Minnesota on September 27, 2012:

Bill, you're right. I wish you weren't, but I know you are. And unfortunately, "veggie libel" laws are very serious in this country... anyway, awesome hub :) You may have hit on a way to draw some attention to this very serious subject by masking it in humor. You've got lots of people who just love to read your hubs, and that's a powerful thing. Awesome awesome awesome :)

Kelly Umphenour from St. Louis, MO on September 27, 2012:

Bill you are so funny! Ok - you know I answered I have to read the labels for safety reasons around here.

It is scary what they put in food and I swear I do believe people are starting to wise up. It's time to drop the experiment and go back to feeding our cows regular food instead of fat injecting foods and particles too:)

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on September 27, 2012:

Ruby....LOL...I don't know why I'm laughing at your comment because it's probably very close to the truth. :) Thank you my friend; I'm going to keep growing my own and pray what you just wrote doesn't happen.

Ruby Jean Richert from Southern Illinois on September 27, 2012:

This was a LOL hub. It's funny I never ever read labels until drbj started writing about the toxic componets found in food to preserve the shelf time at the market. I think our only course is to grow our own, that is until the soil is so full of toxins we die...

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on September 27, 2012:

Rachel, here's the thing....and I'm dead serious about this. Everything you say is true....I know it for a fact....and you could announce it to every citizen in this country....and most of them would not care. We are a nation of sheeples...as long as someone's life isn't turned inside out....as long as they are left to drink their beer, go to their ballgames, drink their lattes....as long as they are hanging on by a thread with a semblance of freedom...they just don't care to hear about the bad stuff.

I am as positive and upbeat a guy as you will ever meet, but I'm becoming cynical. I have no faith in the government for the first time in my long life....I only have faith in myself and my loved ones, and that's who I rely on in life. So I agree with what you are doing....there will be a great many people wishing they had your skills within ten years. :)

Thank you my young friend.

Rachel Koski Nielsen from Pennsylvania, now farming in Minnesota on September 27, 2012:

I was sort of laughing, but then I reminded myself that what's going on with grocery store food in this country is DISGUSTING. Listen, those ingredients you listed? They're in about everything that you buy at the store, everything that's processed - it's all the same food, packaged differently, with different artificial flavors, but the SAME FOOD. If it ain't whole, if it didn't come out of my soil, if I didn't raise it and feed it and have it butchered by someone I can speak to - in person - I am totally not interested in eating it. Unfortunately it's nearly impossible to live that way, but I'm working on it.

Anyway, "I picture some little dweeb of a scientist who hasn’t had a date in ten years, shooting who knows what into my food ingredients with a syringe. " Hilarious. Me too.

We're very similar you know, because I'm actually working on a Hub that will hopefully help to de-code the crazy ingredients on "food" labels. But the more I think about it, the more interested I am in just focusing on eating food that doesn't NEED a label.

Ooookay, rant over :) ... (But by the way, you can count on the fact that just about all of the corn, soybean and canola oil/products come from gentetically modified organisms these days, so by my reckoning the food producers need to add "BT" to their food labels - it's only fair, since blood tests confirm its presence in the bodies of people who have submitted to such testing... but SHHH, don't tell Monstanto I told you that!)

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on September 27, 2012:

Nell, can you imagine! I don't know if the producers of this stuff think we are stupid or if they are really stupid themselves. Do you think they really believe their advertising? That would be frightening.

Thank you Nell!

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on September 27, 2012:

Deb, you got that right....salt is in everything...in copious quantities I might add.

Thanks my OK friend!

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on September 27, 2012:

Pamela, my sincere apologies to your husband. The poor man doesn't know what's coming. LOL Thank you kind lady; you are appreciated!

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on September 27, 2012:

Cris, you and I both have metabolisms that allow us to eat without worrying about it. I don't know why I suddenly decided to read the label on the Ranch but I'm glad I did....got a hub out of it!

Thank you!

Nell Rose from England on September 27, 2012:

Hi billy, lol! polysorbate! haha! the funniest thing I read like this was in New Scientist, evidently a face cream has been produced with I think it was, magnetic atoms or something stupid, when the scientists told them that ' How stupid can you get?' the cream people said, in a huffy voice I would imagine, 'Believe me sir, I know it works, come and see OUR scientists!' New scientist really thought that was funny! lol! great hub, and really made me laugh, nell

Deb Hirt from Stillwater, OK on September 27, 2012:

Since I became wheat intolerant, I have to read labels now. What's frightening, is that salt and sugar is in nearly everything. That means that there is no point to adding any more in our diet. We get too much as it is!

Pamela Oglesby from Sunny Florida on September 27, 2012:

Billy, Yes, I read food labels. I try to buy organic but that can be expensive. A while back I decided I didn't want to buy anything with corn syrup in it and OMG - you wouldn't believe how many things have corn syrup. It is enough to drive you nuts (short trip for some of us :-)). Anyway, my husband LOVES ranch dressing. Wait till I tell him!! I loved your hub and your humor.

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on September 27, 2012:

Sha, you are incorrigible! :)

Shauna L Bowling from Central Florida on September 27, 2012:

MMMMuuuuaaaaa!

CrisSp from Sky Is The Limit Adventure on September 27, 2012:

Ha..ha..ha...billybuc, your attempt for a hilarious hub is a success! I honestly thought of Josh while reading this....don't know why but maybe because he always makes us laugh too.

I don't count my calories and I eat when I'm hungry. I also don't read food labels because I don't carry my reading glasses with me when I go shop for food. Print's too small for my chinky eyes. (: Guess, I'm not that concerned about my calorie intake (yet). But, thanks for a good read and will wait for the next kitchen scrutiny.

Catching up is hard to do.

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on September 27, 2012:

Thanks Samnasy....it was interesting researching it.

Sam Graham from Australia on September 27, 2012:

Upbeat and a good laugh, lots of good info though.

thanks.

Bill Holland (author) from Olympia, WA on September 27, 2012:

Sha my friend, you just never let up, do you? Yes my dear, I will eat better....and yes, I will follow your advice....sheez, it's like being married all over again. :)

love you too,

bill

Shauna L Bowling from Central Florida on September 27, 2012:

Hilarious hub warning of the dangers of pre-processed foods! You and I have had this conversation, Mr. Cheeseburger Casserole! ha ha. Review my Green Tips numbers 6 and 21 where I address the dangers of 'utamates' and 'oses'. If you can't pronounce it, your body can't metabolize or use it!

You're growing your own veggies now my friend. Don't negate the effort!

Love Ya!

Sha