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Corn on The Cob: It's What Eating You

Kenneth is a rural citizen of Hamilton, Ala., and has begun to observe life and certain things and people helping him to write about them.

1960's Commercial With Ed McMahon, Hawking Beer at a County Fair With Foods: Hot Dogs; Corn Dogs; Corn-on-The-Cob.

I Apologize, No, This is Not

a dinner choice for beef. I believe this one can rval that one. It's the all-American food, the girl next door eats this food, people love this food so much that they almost stand and put their right hand over their heart and recite the Pledge of Allegiance. Maybe not that much, but close. I do have to use realism here. Corn on the cob is one of America's best food items that one can eat.

It/s been around since Biblical times. The boy, Joseph, who wore the coat of many colors, taught the (early) Egyptians how to cultivate and save corn in case of a famine. The Egyptians were so grateful and beholding that he was made second in the kingdom. So you see how corn on the cob is so powerful.

All that I can say is yummmm.

All that I can say is yummmm.

Just Who Invented Uses For Corn?

Experts discovered that people living in central Mexico started using corn at least 7000 years ago. Corn was started from a wild grass called teosinte. 7000 years! I told you that corn had been around a long time. If time travel is ever developed, I would lie to travel back just to see how corn was first used and for what. That's just me.

As a personal note, I recall the first time that my mom started preparing corn for us and let me tell you, it was one of her finest creations, She would cut the yellow corn into a pan, then put a pat or two of margarine into her iron skillet and allowed the texture of the corn to be soft or what is called, "creamed corn," and I love to this day.

But her favorite corn-related item was the corn-on-the-cob. Yes, I loved that as well. Mom would prepare this "manna from Heaven" frequently, but especially on the Fourth of July, because as she read somewhere, that it was a traditional dish (among many.) And sure enough, I loved that as well.

My thinking is today: show me a pretty girl who eats corn-on-the-cob without gettng any of the kernels or juice on her chin or clothing, and I will show you an industrious woman and someone who needs to be in a leadership position. I mean this, ladies. I'm talking CEO's, judges, publishers, locomotive engineers, principals and many others.

Corn-on-The-Cob Eating Contest

Corn-On-The-Cob Eaters, Beware

and I do not mean to scare you. But if you are a nervous, squeamish, and timid individual, I advise you right now to stick to the creamed corn, and stay away from corn-on-the-cob. I can see this happening. You are a guy, about 22, single and with a college degree working for a major ad agency in New York City.

One day, your eyes meets the eyes of this gorgeous brunette and bam! It's love! Just looking at her causes you to make several errors on the projects you were working on. The boss walks briskly to your desk and holds the reports with your errors and before you are cursed-out, you tell him, it's my fault for making these errors, but you see, sir? That gorgeous brunette over there caught my attention, and well, I was shaken-up."

The boss laughs like a wild donkey that has swigged tequila. "well, son. That is okay. This time. But watch those errors or it's your job, girl or not," the boss advises and rebukes you at the same time. You straighten up. It's your career after all. You find out later that the girl is really the boss' grand baby who is on summer vacation from Brown University, and the boss does not know that she is working in your company.

You ask no questions. Then proceed to do some chit, chat, small talk and bam! You and her are set for Saturday night at Chicago's finest restaurant. You do not worry. You always carry cash. And you really have it bad for this girl. Fact is, you were shaving before your date and cut your jaw and it bled so much that it made you faint. (Friend, remember what I have just said about bleeding so much that you feel faint.)

You Do Your Best

to be a he-man and not show fear. But the gorgeous bruette has a trick up her thick hair. She starts the contest as she asks, "do you like corn-on-the-cob? I love it!" You are stunned. "Uhhh, sure. I guess," you halfway answer. "Oh, I did spend some time when I was a boy on my grandpa's farm, and he grew corn and I ate some that grandma made for me, so yes, I pride myself on knowing about corn."

"But, sweetie, what about corn-on-the-cob? You said that you knew about corn, so I challenge you to a corn-on-the-cob eating contest, and the winner not only pays for my dinner, but promises me that you will not call or come by my house because during the first minutes when you picked me up, I pegged you as a true panty-waist, afraid of his shadow, so let's get started," The gorgeous brunette snaps. She demands that the waiter bring you and her a dozen cobs of fresh corn-on-the-cob , so she can show you just how good of a corn-on-the-cob eater that she really is.ri
Honestly, for someone who hasn't had that much experience with corn-on-the-cob, you start out like a pro. You finish your first cob of corn in less than two minutes. Gorgeous brunette winks at you as she finishes her first cob moments after you. Truthfully, do not feel so supreme. She is setting you up and you are going to lose then head home alone.

Now She Shows You Just How

less than you know about corn-on-the-cob and this eating contest. By now, the entire restaurant is standing around your table--some cheering for the gorgeous brunette and a few for you. (I told you that you need to be ready to lose.) You feel strangely confident as you reach for the second cob of corn and manage to take one bite . . .then it happens! You notice that the gorgeous brunette is slowly licking her second cob of corn and looking at you with those eyes of love and you are about to melt. Don't feel bad. She's a pro.

Her exhibition continues as to hypnotize you and she does. But she allows all of that buttery sauce to dribble on her expensive blouse, chin, and what hair she lets fall over her face. And you? You are almost ready to faint. She is now on her sixth-cob of corn. You? Your second cob has yet to be eaten. Poor boy. You should have seen this coming.

Your hands shake as you reach for your third cob of corn, only to see gorgeous brunette finish her 12th corn-on-the-cob and as she drops the empty cob to the plate on the table, she looks at you and winks again. Then gives you an air kiss and now, her lower face is thick with the corn juice, but the people who have witnessed you to be beaten like a mutt dog, by this beautiful girl with corn juice and butter all over her face, hands, and the hair she let fall over her face applauds her even louder as she slowly stands up and bows.

"I wish that I had a plate of yellow corn-on-the-cob right now."

— Kenneth Avery

The Tasty Summary

The gorgeous brunette is very gracious in her defeating you worse than anyone has ever lost in a contest. But she is not arrogant. She is busy taking her napkin and rubbing her face and hands clean of the corn juice. You do not have to rub on your face that much because you only ate one cob of corn.

And to make things worse, the terms of the contest as laid out by gorgeous brunette is honored without you saying a word of complaint. As you slowly shake her hand, you tell her that it was nice to be with you even though it ended badly for you, and you will never call or come by her home. Now you are hoping that because you are being so humble that she will change her mind and let you ask her out again.

Sorry.
But a bet is a bet after all.

P.S. what was the gorgeous brunette's name?

Does it really matter

January 30, 2021___________________________________________________

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© 2021 Kenneth Avery

Comments

Mona Sabalones Gonzalez from Philippines on January 31, 2021:

I remember a friend in Germany who always walked past a corn patch. The corn was being grown to feed cows. She would always get a few so she could eat it. Her German husband was surprised to see her eating corn. Nice article!

Peggy Woods from Houston, Texas on January 31, 2021:

Fresh corn on the cob, when it is in season, is a treat. Combine that with fresh-grown tomatoes, and it was one of my mother's favorite meals.

DW Davis from Eastern NC on January 31, 2021:

I always dislike gainsaying you, my spirited friend, but I am nearly certain the grain Joseph convinced the Egyptians to save was not corn. Had it been, they would have discovered bourbon and moonshine. The result would have been a much more laid back empire.