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Cooking Recipes You Can Make In Jail!

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Cooking on the fly.

No matter where you are - you can learn to cook with the resources available to you. Even if you are in jail, there are ways to make foods that will delight the palate of anyone who has been incarcerated for several years. If you are a bad cook - even this could be a step UP for you!

Martha Stewart made a delicious "Jailhouse Jelly" from crab apples while passing time.

Inmates have found fascinating and clever ways to create culinary meals with crumbs and whatever they can scratch up from the commissary.

Several of the housewives have been embroiled in questionable behavior. Many of them are facing legal challenges and might need to know how to cook a more "simple" meal.

Thought Sandwiches is learning to cook and plans to be moving onto a boat in the very near future. With few resources available to cook with on a boat - he requested a few meals he could cook in a cinch. The following recipes are adapted by using the items available on a prison commissary list. You won't need measuring cups or a stove or any complicated instruments. Relax, you've got this in the bag!

Carruthless Cappuchino

Coffee for the ruthless.

Coffee for the ruthless.

Carruthless Cappuchino

Each morning, prisoners everwhere, embrace the new day with their favorite hot drink. This sweet cappuchino drink will add a spring to any inmate's step.

  • Carton of Milk
  • Instant Coffee
  • Hot Tap Water
  • Syrup

Place the unopened carton of milk under hot running water. When the milk gets as hot as possible open the carton and add instant coffee. If you have some syrup left over from breakfast you can add some rich maple flavor!

Remember the early jail bird gets the the first inmate to the yard!

Bernie Madoff

MaNoodle, MaNoodle, shoulda used my noodle.

MaNoodle, MaNoodle, shoulda used my noodle.

Madoff MaNoodle

Bernie Madoff did make off with a lot of money but he was eventually caught and sent to the slammer. This is a little sample of the type of hors d'oeurves that Mr. Madoff enjoys presently.

  • 1 Can of Chili
  • 1 Package of Ramen Noodles
  • 1 Small Bag of Corn Chips
  • Squeeze Cheese

All you have to do is layer these ingredients and don't forget to crunch the chips up for an extra toothsome texture. Grab your favorite squeeze and enjoy some hearty MaNoodle!

For the health conscious.

A different flavor every day!

A different flavor every day!

Soup Du Jail

Paris Hilton didn't want to lose her shape while behind bars so she resorted to a skinny girl diet of soup.

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  • hot water
  • any flavor of Ramen Noodle spice packet

Heat water and add your favorite spice packet for flavorful and low cal soup.

Simpson Spork Spread

Relax and enjoy the party! You can eat it with a spork!

Relax and enjoy the party! You can eat it with a spork!

Simpson Spork Spread

Simpon's favorite spread can now be made and shared amongst his closest pals. This party spread can be made for a party of two (romantic evening) or the whole gang!

If the inmates are celebrating they can have a BYOCI Dip. (Bring your own commissary item dip). For the authentic version you will need a garbage bag to prep the dip. Simply pour the noodles into the bag, crush them with shower shoes or murderous strength. Now all you have to do is have party goer's walk past, dropping their favorite commissary item into the bag.

  • Package(s) of Ramen Noodles + Spice Packet
  • Any flavor of Chips (Doritos, Cheetos, Frito's)
  • Tuna
  • Salsa
  • V8 Juice
  • Whatever one can spare

Crunch all the noodles, spice packets and additives up. Add hot water and cinch that sak! Let your party dip cook together so the flavors have time to meld. After the cinch sak feels nice and thoroughly cooked through open the bag and voila! You can relax and enjoy the party while everyone chows down with a non-threatening spork.

You don't have to worry about leaving the dish just take your cinch sacked dip and spread it out on the table. It's great for PTA functions, baby showers or office parties. Wait until your friends see you approaching with this little treat! They will all be clamoring for the recipe, I promise.

Are you on a boat?

Tyson Tamale - Take a Bite Outta Life!

The Tyson Tamale is the fix for your taste buds when you are looking to add some spice in your life! I had to beg Tyson to part with the recipe and finally, he agreed if I'd just let him whisper the secret ingredient into my ear. Turns out it's hot sauce! Crispy chips, deconstucted and reconstructed into a hot little firecracker!

  • One bag of Fritos
  • One bag of spicey hot Cheetohs

Break the chips down into tiny crumbs. Add hot water to make a thick mush. Roll the combined ingredients in the bag and cook for 5 minutes. Unroll your snack and top with hot sauce, jalapeno's or cheese.

Correct All Cake

What would an evening in jail be without a special dessert? To make your night memorable or for those occasions where an inmate is released you can prepare a scrumptious cake!

  • Oreo Cookies
  • Peanut Butter
  • M & M's

Separate the Oreo Cookies. Make a crust from the cookie wafers. Mix the white icing with peanut butter. Cover the cookies with the peanut butter frosting. Garnish with crushed M & M's.

As you can see there are many delectable treats that can be made from what is on hand - or 'the list'. From "VickChowMean" which smacks of Asian Terriyaki to a savory "MaulAGirl Stew" all these recipes are a cinch. Food fit for a Kingpin! If you are looking for more frugal menu items or chow you don't need modern conveniences to cook, these ideas will be sure to amaze and excite you and your food loving friends!

Pruno - Wine You Can Make it on a Boat!

More recipes for the frugal bachelors!

"And it should be the law: If you use the word "paradigm" without knowing what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions." ~David Jones



Kathryn from Windsor, Connecticut on September 07, 2013:

I have seen your name every so often, and was curious about you. This article caught my eye, and had me laughing. What a fun idea! Lol. I also like the link to billybuc's funny bachelor post. I read that several weeks ago, and it is funny.

Thanks for sharing this with us, and have a great day!

~ Kathryn

Kelly Umphenour (author) from St. Louis, MO on February 17, 2013:

Thank you so much veggie8head! I had a great time putting this one together:) I bet you can imagine how all the kids in the neighborhood went home and told their moms how Mrs. Housewife cooks in a trash bag! hahahaha

veggie8head on February 11, 2013:

Lovin this!! Now this is humor. The picture of Martha Stewart right off the bat, now that classic.

Kelly Umphenour (author) from St. Louis, MO on January 31, 2013:

Thanks so much Karen! I love Pinterest! I wish I owned it. Lol

Kelly Umphenour (author) from St. Louis, MO on January 31, 2013:

Thanks C_MarieWeber - this one still cracks me up...morbid fascination made me want to try to see what I could do with a garbage bag and fritos! Haha

Karen Ellis from Central Oregon on January 29, 2013:

Cute article. I pinned you - see if it makes a difference in your hits for this hub.

C_MarieWeber from Wichita on January 29, 2013:

This is great! You made my morning. lol

Kelly Umphenour (author) from St. Louis, MO on January 15, 2013:

Oh you won't need a bookmark for this one - if you need these recipes they will find you buddy:) lol Just kidding - thanks for the comment!

Peter Greenwood from Hong Kong on January 15, 2013:

Well I really hope i never go to jail, but i'll bookmark this page just imn case...

Kelly Umphenour (author) from St. Louis, MO on January 08, 2013:

Hi Dr. Cil - so funny! This was a fun hub and I'd been hearing so much about jail housewife food I had to try to make some myself. Now I know ill never let them take me alive! Haha

Dr Cil on December 29, 2012:

Funny! I have heard of jailhouse noodles before. Never saw any recipes though!

Kelly Umphenour (author) from St. Louis, MO on December 15, 2012:

Hi Eddy! Thank you but I seriously doubt you'll need these:) hahaha

Eiddwen from Wales on December 15, 2012:

Original,unique, very clever and thanks for sharing.

I wish you a wonderful weekend.


Kelly Umphenour (author) from St. Louis, MO on October 30, 2012:

Hi ishwaryaa22! Thank you! I had a blast with this one...but no one wanted to eat my food! I made them though! "Just a taste" I begged! LOL

Ishwaryaa Dhandapani from Chennai, India on October 28, 2012:

An engaging hub! The recipes sound easy & tasty. No wonder that in most cases Ramen noodles & chips come in handy for these inmates. Way to go!

Thanks for SHARING. Useful, Funny & Interesting. Voted up & pinned

Kelly Umphenour (author) from St. Louis, MO on October 17, 2012:

HI Audrey - thank you so much! I do love to laugh and make other people laugh - this idea just cracked me up:) lol

Audrey Howitt from California on October 14, 2012:

Wow--did you know that you are really, really funny! I loved this!!

Kelly Umphenour (author) from St. Louis, MO on September 27, 2012:

Well you are the one in quicksand - not me! lol I can tell you a million and one ways to get there - and every single one of them would probably be lots of fun to do too! haha I'd really love to rob a bank - just to see if I know! Doesn't everyone? haha

quicksand on September 27, 2012:

Great recipes indeed! But ... you have not stated clearly how one could get in there! :) :) :)


Kelly Umphenour (author) from St. Louis, MO on September 25, 2012:

Hi Michelle - thank you! Hey I bet that coffee would't be so bad in the slammer. I really detest instant coffee though so I hope I never have to do any time in the pokey. lol

Michelle Liew from Singapore on September 24, 2012:

Enjoyable "jailhouse"recipes there. jam certain that "caruthless cappuccino" is my favorite! Thanks for the humor!! thoroughly enjoyed it!

Kelly Umphenour (author) from St. Louis, MO on September 20, 2012:

Scott - me too! I really hope none of my friends have cause to make any of these but it was kinda fun! lol I liked showing the messy tuna and crap in the bag to the kids when they asked "what's for supper" .... just to see the priceless look on their sweet little faces:) hahaha

Kelly Umphenour (author) from St. Louis, MO on September 20, 2012:

hahahahaha Drbj - now that would be good! If you thought you wrote it - I am pretty proud of myself right now:) lol


DS Duby from United States, Illinois on September 19, 2012:

Now this is true creativity lmao Reading this hubbies me hungry enough to commit a felony and turn myself in just to try out one of the recipes! Actually though I'm voting this article up, awesome, interesting and useful though I have to say I'm really hoping its never truly useful to me .lol

drbj and sherry from south Florida on September 19, 2012:

You are too brave, Kelly, letting Tyson whisper his secret ingredient sauce into your EAR? Loved this hub. It is so funny I thought I wrote it. Heh, heh.

Kelly Umphenour (author) from St. Louis, MO on September 19, 2012:

Hi irc7815 - thank you! lol See now this is a great way to convince your family that you really ARE a great cook - I mean I bet you can make a better spork spread all on your own! At least we can use refrigerated products:) hahaha

Linda Crist from Central Virginia on September 18, 2012:

It was a stroke of genius to write this. A real hoot! Great job.

Kelly Umphenour (author) from St. Louis, MO on September 18, 2012:

Hey jessefutch - I have a brother in law that is a long distance OTR:) lol But then again - his wife cooks like shit too so it probably doesn't make much difference to him:) hahaha Thanks a lot! I hope you never have to resort to using any of these though!

jessefutch from North Carolina on September 18, 2012:

This was a hilarious hub! I hate to admit this: as a Truck Driver many years ago I ate many meals that closely resembles a lot of the ones listed here! Same principle with nowhere to cook and few ingredients that are available at your friendly neighborhood truck stop! Awesome work on this one.

Kelly Umphenour (author) from St. Louis, MO on September 18, 2012:

Hi Ruchira - thanks! I had so much fun doing this one...I can't always be serious and heck - this might help some one who plans to do a little time in the big house:) lol

Kelly Umphenour (author) from St. Louis, MO on September 18, 2012:

Hi Howlermunkey - isn't it funny how some guys get their nick names in jail? Sometimes it can be pretty telling, huh? I guess it's just a way of keeping real names outta stuff.

I knew a lady who used to make wine out of grapes and it was pretty good! Lotsa sugar. I guess if I was in jail, I'd be doing stuff like that trying to fight the boredom. I know I would for sure want to work in the kitchen:) lol

I'm super impressed about the vintages! Pretty good - did you see that video on Pruno? It was hilarious.

Kelly Umphenour (author) from St. Louis, MO on September 18, 2012:

Hey Tammy! hahaha I heard when the lights went out - the ladies would whisper stuff like, "it's a good thing!" Mocking I do feel bad for her because you know darn good and well they made an example out of her...but I still betcha there is a lot we do not know...plea bargaining and all:)

Yeah I can think of a few more things Orenthal should have to endure...maybe a little beef jerky! lol

Kelly Umphenour (author) from St. Louis, MO on September 18, 2012:

Oh and feel free by all means to add any of your own! lol

Ruchira from United States on September 18, 2012:

gosh this is hilarious and creative, Kelly.

I LOVED it. voted up with many votes and sharing it across

Jeff Boettner from Tampa, FL on September 18, 2012:

When I was in Prison I used to make the best Red Wine out of Raisins -- I even had different Vintages. My jailhouse nickname was "Napa" .

(Awesome hub, up and sharing)

Tammy from North Carolina on September 18, 2012:

I had a good chuckle. Your google ads at the bottom of the hub say: Save $$$$ on Inmate Phone Calls. This is highly creative and very funny! I bet jail was a terrible experience for Martha Stewart, not being able to fly her control freak flag. I think OJ should have to eat vienna sausages for the rest of his life.. with that slimy coating and all. Great hub and lots of fun!

Terrye Toombs from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map. on September 18, 2012:

I did indeed enjoy the humor. I can't wait to share your recipes with the hubby. :) lol!

Kelly Umphenour (author) from St. Louis, MO on September 18, 2012:

ha! Hi Penlady - right! I forgot to mention, I have heard of some guys trying to fry the bologna although I am not sure that would help! lol

Thanks so much for the votes and shares!

Kelly Umphenour (author) from St. Louis, MO on September 18, 2012:

Hi Vinaya! Well there ya go! Grab a carton of milk and start hunting for a hot steamy faucet:) lol

Thank you for the read and commet:)

penlady from Sacramento, CA on September 18, 2012:

Well, at least if you're in jail, you can eat something besides bologna sandwiches - ha! Funny hub. Voted up and funny.

Vinaya Ghimire from Nepal on September 18, 2012:

I see this world as a jail so I better learn to make Cappuccino and noodle your way. LOL

Kelly Umphenour (author) from St. Louis, MO on September 18, 2012:

Terrye now I hoped you would enjoy my humor here! haha Yeah I have known a few people that spent some time in the slammer. Everyone automatically assumes people in jail are murderers or rapists. I don't think they realize how similar inmates are to yours truly. You know people who go to jail for something they got caught doing that many of the people outside are doing every day. I know many people who have gone to jail over the years and some are friends. Life's funny that way...we take different paths sometimes.

I know a guy who worked in the kitchen while serving 4 years...(accumulation of unpaid traffic tickets and driving with a suspended license type stuff) anywho - he survived trading juice boxes. It was his gig = postage stamps, smokes, whatever would be traded for a box of juice! He gave me a lot of my secret recipes:))) hahahaha

Kelly Umphenour (author) from St. Louis, MO on September 18, 2012:

Hi Amy! I have been thinking about you! Great to see ya:)

I do adore the vision of life on a boat...I have wanted to do that for a long time. It isn't practical now (living on the Mississippi really doesn't serve my vision, you know?) haha I hope to retire maybe on a boat though. I would have internet! You know that is about the only thing wrong with living in Missouri - we don't really have a gorgeous sea or ocean. I do enjoy our rivers though but mostly just the history of them...I really don't wanna submerge myself in them - unless I gotta boat:) haha

That would be so cool and I really do think it is going to be a growing trend!

Kelly Umphenour (author) from St. Louis, MO on September 18, 2012:

Good Morning Cyndi! Thank you! This was a blast to do - my whole family thought it was a riot:) haha Then the look on my hubby's face when I told him he was gonna have to try it...priceless!! lol

Kelly Umphenour (author) from St. Louis, MO on September 18, 2012:

Hi Pamela99 - thank you so much! I had a lot of fun with this one:) You just never know when you might find yourself in a tough spot huh? lol

Kelly Umphenour (author) from St. Louis, MO on September 18, 2012:

Hi Mhatter! Thank you! I had a really fun time preparing the dishes this week:) haha Now I just wonder how many neighborhood kids are gonna be allowed to eat in my kitchen when they go home and tell their parent's "Mrs. Umphenour makes dip in garbage bags!" hahaha

Kelly Umphenour (author) from St. Louis, MO on September 18, 2012:

Hi Faith! Thank you so much! lol I had to just put the brakes on a do a fun hub:) I am so glad you enjoyed it!!

Terrye Toombs from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map. on September 18, 2012:

LMAO! Kelly, you did a great job! In my hubby's younger and wilder days, he was given the opportunity to spend a little time in the local penitentiary and learned to make a few delicacies. His favorite was much like the Madoff MaNoodle. They weren't allowed to have cans in his residence, but they did have powered chili that they used instead (just add water). He's made it a couple of times and I'll tell ya, I'd rather eat my sock. :)

Voted up and more and sharing! :)

Amy Becherer from St. Louis, MO on September 18, 2012:

With the rising crime rates in St. Louis, RealHousewife, you are right on target, guns ablazin', with cooking recipes for jailbirds. I got a special kick out of your Madoff "horses turds" recipe, courtesy of the poor mans meal with Ramen noodles. My BFF, whose Florida home was in foreclosure, attempted to work with the bankers, to no avail, of course, but one banker told her reduce her already stringent, bare bones budget by eating Ramen noodles everyday. Nice...and fitting that one of the biggest cons in history should call dinner the same (although I'd have to see it to believe it.)