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What toilet paper do I choose?

Vinyl Toilet Paper?

Most people don’t think twice about their toilet paper, yet here I am writing a Hub about it.  I guess I’m not most people.  The thought about it came after my visiting daughter yelled from the bathroom “Mom!!  Where did you get this vinyl toilet paper”  I hollered back “It’s the new reusable kind, just rinse and let it hang to dry.“  She was apparently taken aback by that comment because it took her a few beats to scream back “WHAT!!!” Ok, so I let her off the hook as I replied, “Well I did notice it had a plastic feel, but isn’t vinyl taking it a bit far?”  Heck, I didn’t even know she knew what vinyl was, I thought that went out with the advent of CD’s.

I’ve run the gamut with toilet paper my entire parenting life, buying the ‘cheapest‘ ‘softest’ the ‘thickest’ the ‘longest lasting’.  What’s a gal to do?  Apparently I had such good toilet paper the neighbor kids just had to use my potty.  My miserliness slapped me hard in the face one day, when my youngest daughter was 6 and her friend had to use the bathroom.  My comment was something in reference to “Who’s gonna buy the toilet paper for all these kids to go to the bathroom?”  The little girl came back with a roll from her house.  Boy, did I feel like a schmuck.

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Wishful thinking

When we moved into the middle of nowhere with only 4 neighbors I thought “Ah Ha” at least I can save on Toilet Paper now! Because of having a septic tank I had to read all of the labels on toilet paper. As all of these people are whizzing by me in the toilet paper section , just throwing whatever in their baskets at Walmart, I’m reading labels. I look with envy at the ones who are grabbing Charmin because it’s so ‘squeezably soft’. I even meander over to that display hoping that somewhere on it’s label, even in tiny print it will tell me it’s ‘septic safe‘. It is not to be, I can find no such label. So I wander down to the next area of softness, thinking Hmmm, maybe Northern? It’s soft and has all those cute little quilt markings on it. It sure must take those ladies a long time to quilt toilet paper. I might have actually said that out loud because I got the most curious look from an older lady.

Finally I settle on, believe it or not, the most expensive toilet paper in the aisle. Yep, you got it Scott. Well it does have 1000 sheets per roll, or so it’s advertised, I’ve never spent the time counting it. I can certainly tell you that after a dog has unrolled it, it seems more like 2000 sheets. The pile that is left makes a nice decoration on the bathroom counter, while you slowly use it, because at about $1 a roll I’m not wasting anything!

I’ve done some calculating with my 1000 sheet rolls of toilet paper. According to the Charmin commercial you only need about 4 sheets to do your business. My toilet paper is a bit thinner so we will double that, that means I should get about 125 bathroom breaks per roll, right? I’ve noticed as time goes on that either I’m getting short changed on my toilet paper, or they are going to the bathroom 125 times a day.

Yeah - This is NEVER gonna happen for me -*sighs* wishful thinking


It seems daily I hear someone yelling out “Hey, can someone bring me a roll of toilet paper?” somewhere along the line I must have lost my mind because the first thing I ask is “Why didn‘t you think about that before you went?”   Like I said, lost my mind, I mean really who thinks to look for toilet paper BEFORE they go.  Then of course I have to yell just one more time, I must be lacking in having meaningful conversation. “What?  I just brought you a roll yesterday”  “Yeah, well it’s gone today!”  “What are you doing with it?  Eating it?”  I have decided that when it comes to potty time, I am no longer Mom.  I haven’t been since I taught them to wipe their own butts, now I’m just ‘Someone’.  I must be because I’m the only one who does the ‘toilet paper’ run for anyone.  Everyone else just sits there laughing while the one in the bathroom is yelling for help.  I suppose I could put the toiler paper in the bathroom, where they are, but if I did that I would be the one yelling for toilet paper, and they’d be sitting in the living room laughing at me.

Thinking that I must be doing something wrong, in purchasing my ‘butt fodder’ (as my Dad calls it, well his word has less letters and starts with an ‘A‘ but it‘s the same thing),  off to the store I go.  Maybe they need something with a little more substance, we’ll try ‘Angel Soft’ it’s softer, thicker, fairly cheap and is septic safe.  Maybe they’ll use less?  Now I’m still hearing “Could someone bring me a roll of toilet paper!”  only this is happening twice daily.  OMG, what ARE you people doing with the toilet paper???  And now It’s filled with complaints, “Can’t you go back to using the ‘hard’ toilet paper?  I don‘t like this stuff” and “It lasts longer”.  Yeah, I can see that.

I’m thinking “Maybe if I don’t feed them they will need less toilet paper”.  Ok, so I know it is wrong to think that, but I’m about to lose my mind over something so simple.  Back to the store again I go, only this time it’s the dollar store, they have cheap toilet paper.  I see the one that is ’comparable to Scott’, well it certainly is cheaper.  Has the same amount of rolls and same amount of sheets per roll.  It didn’t say anywhere on the label, product may contain vinyl. 

Oh, I long for the days of 'Sea Shells'!!

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Sweetsusieg (author) from Michigan on February 14, 2012:

You are very welcome - Glad you got a laugh! As far as I know most of those wet wipes are septic safe, I think it will say so on the package.

Thanks for stopping by!

JNSimmons from Washington, DC on February 14, 2012:

Thanks, Sweetsusieg, for the laugh. In a house where I'm the only girl big enough to use the potty. Yet, the roll is always empty. So I buy Scotts for the guys and place them next to the sink for when they run out. For me, I buy those lovely wet wipes that can be flushed and hide them behind the cleaning products. Are those septic safe?

Sweetsusieg (author) from Michigan on February 25, 2011:

Oh that would be LOVELY!!! LOL

elizabeth from Buncombe County, NC on February 25, 2011:

OH, I see. I think Sweet G, you need to build an add on to your house, a private bathroom, where you can hide.

Sweetsusieg (author) from Michigan on February 25, 2011:

It would be nice if I could put anything where it belongs.. Not only do I have 11 grandchildren, but I have 4 dogs who think that toilet paper should either be eaten or pee'd on... If the grand kids get them they are used as snowballs... My life.... is never pretty.

I did have a dream last night... that I lived in a really pretty house, then one of the dogs rolled over and snorted in my face.

elizabeth from Buncombe County, NC on February 25, 2011:

SWeetsusieg, I put a pretty hat box in the bathroom, near the john and fill it with toilet paper so there are always several rolls easily reachable at all times:) Other artsy things, fill a basket of rolls and leave it on the floor near the designated target. It looks kinda cute!

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TinaAtHome from California on February 16, 2011:

You should go to England and use Andrex toilet tissue. I swear the next time I go there I'm importing a suitcase full back to the US.

Slave2No1 from Oneida, NY on February 11, 2011:

BTW: You don't own your pets, they own YOU! A pet owner caters to their pet's every need; like a personal slave, which is why I don't 'own' any! NO animal is gonna own me!

Sweetsusieg (author) from Michigan on February 11, 2011:

LOL, Well, I hope that I don't have to wear Depends but if I do I'm telling my daughter RIGHT NOW that something soft and warm will work...

Slave2No1 from Oneida, NY on February 11, 2011:

I believe my point is (eventually) this: When the time comes that one's age demands DEPENDS, do you really want your care-giver using dry toilet paper to clean you up? I think NOT! You will definately want something wet and warm... & SOFT! (point made?)

edueck on February 11, 2011:

When My daughter was a new born like you said you have to change them every minute or two.

My wife and I went away some where any way we had two dogs,A Rottweiler and a poodle.

They got in to the diaper pail which was in the bath room, in a trailer house the doors slide and they got in there.

When we got home there where diapers torn all over the living room floor down the hall in the kitchen.

Lets just say every room in the house on the couch the diaper pail was in the hall EMPTY.

If you know anything about trailers they get warm on nice days need I say any more.

It was spring and not warm enough for air but nice enough to get hot in side. We had the windows CLOSED YA I can still smell it WOW.

Sweetsusieg (author) from Michigan on February 11, 2011:

As i went to get my coffee a few minutes ago after receiving this, I noticed they were chewing up a perfectly good un-used diaper... So they don't care if it is poopy or not... Yes, time to tackle dogs!!

edueck on February 11, 2011:

GOOD MORNING or what yikes

Sweetsusieg (author) from Michigan on February 11, 2011:

Well I have 4 dogs... Yes it is BAD when they get a hold of the poopy ones. One day last week I woke up to a poopy diaper tucked up under my nose.. I was not pleased. The smell was stuck in my nose for hours...

edueck on February 11, 2011:

A word of caution, If you have two dogs And YOU ARE USING things like PAMPERS keep them OUT OF REACH OF THE DOGS. It makes a VERY VERY BIIIG MESS I know I had to CLEAN up and it stinks WOW DOES IT STINK. Hot day in a trailer house (you want to die).

As for counting the sheets I don't have or do I want the time.I think it could be a shity job LOL

Sweetsusieg (author) from Michigan on February 11, 2011:

edueck - The type of Scott I buy has 1000 sheet per roll, at least that is what is advertised on the package. I might just sit down and count them because I think they lie. It just has to be a lie!! I can't explain it otherwise! Either that OR it's Psychic toilet paper... when in the hands of my daughter it becomes less and when in the mouth of my dogs it becomes more!! Yes, I can see it now! That has to be it!!

I too had a cat, named Tommy Two toes who thought 'all paper products' must have holes before use! I'll admit, she didn't read very well. All I could o was laugh, and use more paper of course!

Slave2no1 - I so don't want to do that!! I have finally broken down and gotten garbage service, I don't want to scare him!!! We already have 2 babies here which means more diapers than humanly possible... Because these aren't normal children... They go twice as much as everyone else's kids... They MUST...

I've tried reading the package, it says 'Hold's up to 27 lbs' and on the other package is says 'Hold's 12 - 18 lbs' now that's a lot of pee mind you.... but I think they lie..


Thank you both for stopping by!!

Slave2No1 from Oneida, NY on February 11, 2011:

Sweetsusieg: at one time, early on I treated used PT as if it were a 'disposable diaper', you have a special bag for them that you can toss in the garbage. Having a baby around changes one's attitude about what is gross to deal with &/or smell. When an elderly person needs the same care as a new-born poop-machine, one can tolerate almost anything that needs to be taken care of in a non-immediate get-rid-of- it & flush it now! way. Just use plastic bags that aren't clear & hold your nose when adding a new wad.

edueck on February 10, 2011:


I do so under stand your problem,and I think Scott has 240 sheets per roll I checked.

I used to buy the cheap kind with 140 sheets only to find when I went the roll was gone my kids had been in there first. I asked them if they ate it, my daughter would go through a roll a day I was glad when she was in school.

It got to the point I feared her going to the bathroom "Dad the toilet is getting full" ( not again).

Some times how ever it was more like @$%$$%%^& toilet.

I never did find out how she needed a roll a day, after all she was not that big. girl.

She wasn't out to impress the boys,so the bra stuffing wasn't needed. She would sooner take them on in a fight and send them running then anything else.Yup, she was Daddy's little girl just as happy to play in the dirt more so them playing with her tea set.

As for the new bathroom decor, was on the floor my lovely cat had used the toilet paper as a scratching post. When toilet paper was in reach then our floor had a new covering and on occasion he would use two rolls to make the job complete.

The amazing toilet paper battle still goes on, almost coming down to standing by the door handing out the sheets.

We have grown into the belief that her back end does not require a roll at a time.

Thank goodness for that, I was to the point of getting a second job in a toilet paper factory, for better prices on my supply needs.

When you have kids the fun never ends.

Sweetsusieg (author) from Michigan on February 10, 2011:

LOL, Since I have a septic system I have to take care of what it is that I flush (according to the man who installed it). It's pretty expensive having those pumped!! All for the sake of comfort! It sounds like a great idea, but I still have to consider the amount that is used by my offspring... They use entirely too much!!

Thanks for stopping by and commenting!!

Slave2No1 from Oneida, NY on February 10, 2011:

YOU may think I'm nuts, but... I haven't needed to buy common toilet paper in ages. Why? Did I stock up like the end of the world was coming? Nah-aw, I don't buy it because I don't use it! & NO, I don't use my bare hands like 'camel jockeys' do either. I use WET paper towel! IF you try it, you'll never go back to dry anything! The paper towel becomes nice & soft when wet. Run it under WARM water... Duhhh. (I can only imagine what the people over a 100 years ago went through, using the pages of a Sears Catalog; colored pages = rainbow butt.) I have to laugh when I think about how the compiled ads would become famous for their major use, not a way to 'shop at home', nor placing an order long-distance without the usual door-to-door salesman, but as FREE toilet paper! My grandfather's farm had an out-house and one of my aunts collects privy-posters and other out-door potty-themed items, even scale-model wooden Privies! Anyway, if you're familiar with WET ONES you know how expensive that wonderful product can be, and how regular TP becomes a soggy mess when wet. PT is relatively cheap, lasts a long time and most any brand will work. It's a good thing when your sink is close to your toilet & it doesn't take too long for the water to heat up. Unless you have a serious root problem in your sewer drains, PT shouldn't be a problem to dispose of either. So, to answer the question: What toilet paper do I choose? NONE! PS: My Mom always insisted on Scott's as well.

Sweetsusieg (author) from Michigan on September 07, 2010:

After running out of TP AGAIN yesterday.... I still think they eat it...

Jill Kostowskie from Pennsylvania on September 07, 2010:

I posted this same comment to my hub after reading your comment, "To Eat TP, Or Not Eat TP? That is the question". lmao

Hummingbird5356 on September 01, 2010:

Very funny. That could be any family, anywhere.

Sweetsusieg (author) from Michigan on September 01, 2010:

LOL, I am not quite sure how to respond to that, though it has me in stitches... That is too funny!! I hadn't thought about the rest of the world in my quest for toilet paper! How funny.

When I was a kid we would go up to the 'family' cabin (shared by the WHOLE family) there was a water pump out front and outhouse in the back. Sears and Roebuck catalog and all!!

Merlin Fraser from Cotswold Hills on September 01, 2010:

Your Hub reminded me of my time spent in Russia just after the collapse of communism I got a swift sharp lesson as to one of the many reasons Russian’s didn’t smile.

Yep you guessed ...toilet paper or to be more precise the lack of anything half assed decent, if you’ll excuse the pun.

Long story, short version, my company started to import good toilet paper from the West but as fast as we put it in the office toilets it disappeared. It got so bad that all the expat staff had to keep a roll locked in their desk. Somehow a few rolls even got sent out to the desperate our Siberian oilfield offices.

Imagine my surprise to receive a note attached to a routine stores requisition for cleaning materials that said, “We most humbly request toilet paper of the same decadent quality as used in the Moscow office. We do not want any more of the locally manufactured ‘John Wayne’ brand.”

Needless to say I had to ask.... “John Wayne Brand?”

Back came the reply, “ Yep ! It’s rough and it’s tough and it don’t take no S*#t ! “

Sweetsusieg (author) from Michigan on September 01, 2010:

Eiddwen - Thanks for reading and I'm very glad you enjoy them!

Eiddwen from Wales on September 01, 2010:

I love your hubs too. Keep it up , there can never be too much laughter!!

Sweetsusieg (author) from Michigan on August 31, 2010:

Lilly - Oh Thank You... Glad you got a good chuckle out of it!!

Mistyhorison2003- Glad you enjoy reading them!! I have too much fun writing them!

Thanks for reading and commenting...

Cindy Lawson from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on August 31, 2010:

I love your hubs, so far all of the ones I have read have had me in stitches laughing. Keep it up :)

Lori J Latimer from Central Oregon on August 31, 2010:

Ha! I needed a laugh, and you did give me a good one! Voted Up, and Funny - tweeting and facebooking!

ahorseback on August 31, 2010:

Hah , too funny , keep it up girl......

Sweetsusieg (author) from Michigan on August 31, 2010:

Glad that I could make you laugh. Ok, so I like quotes... here's one you might know... "Cry and you cry alone, laugh and the whole world laughs with you"... Trying to get the whole world chuckling, if it takes 'airing my dirty laundry' for the world to laugh, so be it!!

ahorseback on August 31, 2010:

Of course i enjoyed it, quite humorous ....

Sweetsusieg (author) from Michigan on August 31, 2010:

Well you know the saying 'Truth is stranger than fiction'? In my home I have some strange goings on!! It seems as though my life has been one laugh after another!! Never a dull moment here!

I have another one I'm thinking on... Yeah, not too sure about it, have to make a video and upload it to youtube otherwise no one will believe it!

The question remains... did you enjoy it?

Thanks for reading and commenting!

ahorseback on August 31, 2010:

Hey Sweetsuzieg, Well now ,we've thought of everything huh? A toilet hub, is this toilet humor?

Sweetsusieg (author) from Michigan on August 31, 2010:

drbj - Ya know... they never did explain the sea shell thing.. I really wanna know!!

Jill - Thanks you - I'm glad you enjoyed it. Even my 19 yr old laughed (she of course is the one doing the hollering) when I read it to her!

I still think they're in there eating it....

Thank you both for reading - enjoying AND commenting!!

Jill Kostowskie from Pennsylvania on August 31, 2010:

That was hysterical!!! I buy scott and only scott (probably because that is what my parents always bought) and I am also wondering where all 1000 sheets of TP goes. Their butts are little how can they possibly use that much?? The part about looking before you go still has me laughing because I find myself to be the one most of the time in the bathroom, stuck on the toliet, with no paper trying to explain to my 2 year old where to find it. Oh the things only a mother endures!!!! You nailed that subject right on the head.

drbj and sherry from south Florida on August 31, 2010:

Sea shells? Now that was funny! So was this hub, susie. :)

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