The Difference Between a Pothead and a Toker Mom
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there is a significant difference between a toker and a pothead. I know that you're probably thinking, "they're both just dope-smoking, wannabe hippies. They're probably deadheads or they have a Kottonmouth Kings devoted playlist." Really? I wonder if people ever get sick of harboring such unoriginal, banal opinions. So humor me and allow me to wax hypothetical for a moment. According to assumptions, a pothead probably sits on her ass all day with a tobacco water pipe and baggie of nugs on the coffee table, a box of Blueberry Muffin Tops cereal between her legs, an orange Fanta under one arm to subdue the cotton-mouth, and grimy kids running amok, wreaking unholy havoc on the premises. You could be right, given those assumptions portray a pothead's priorties in life, but for a toker mom, you couldn't be more inaccurate. And I know that's inaccurate because that was me 15 years ago, but without the kids. Replace the kids with an apartment full of random acquaintances and maybe 2 or 3 friends and we epitomized potheads. Sometimes ingenuity would strike and we'd find new ways to smoke our cheaply scored schwag. We spent long nights engineering apparatuses in a graffiti-covered garage with our Kottonmouth Kings playlist resonating through the walls.
Toker moms, are much more complex, stealthy, and poised than pothead moms. To a toker mom, a clean bong rip is a therapeutic endeavor, rather than just "getting high." For her, it's become a form of self-soothing. She has built up a tolerance and she has learned her limits through trial and error. Schwag is not classy mom-grade "good leaf." Toker moms are educated cannabis connoisseurs. A toker mom may light up several times a day, just to get through the chaos of motherhood, to manage the anxiety, the stress bestowed upon her by the little gems she's created, and the not-so-easy peachy life that accompanies years of marriage. A quick trip to the laundry room ('cause kids rarely follow you in there since its just not as entertaining as watching you poop), a couple of visine drops, a spritz of febreze followed by a speedy return to the playroom, and she's ready to help create childhood memories of Build O' Blocks Arenas and Tonka truck demolition derbys. There are no shady swaps in rat-infested back alleys or dingy abandoned warehouses. None of that. Don't expect to see your fellow Toker mom at a block party puffing and passing out on some grimey sofa. Her priorties are secure and at home with her children.
Does Smoking Pot Really Make You a Better Parent?
So many people have expressed their negative opinions about those Moms and Dads who smoke pot and deem them to be "unfit" and "negligent," but the underlying question remains, "Does smoking pot make you a better parent?" The answer to that can be either a yes or a no. Really it all depends on the way you manage without it and how it affects your ability to function. Do you consider yourself a responsible adult? If you're naturally a chill, Hakuna Mata, laid back kumbaya-singing parent, then probably not, but you're a rare breed of saint, so kudos to all 2% of you! But if you're not screaming a stream of profanities while cleaning shit from the walls, threatening to throat-punch your spouse for even talking about conceiving another beautiful heathen, or throwing your hands up for mercy from the Heavens above 100x a day, are you really a parent? If you're the latter, yes, yes smoking a little pot throughout the day can most definitely make you a better parent. That shit you're cleaning off the wall becomes just another mess. Kids make messes and you know damn well it's gonna happen again, so you suck it up, buttercup. Instead of wanting to rip your spouse's head off for wanting another kid, you engage in a short intellectual conversation regarding all the pros and cons (throw in a "maybe later" just to keep him/her happy), and settle matters with a quickie in the laundry room. If you find yourself begging for a moment's peace, just stand back and watch those tiny hybrids of yours for a minute. Notice how they're strong-willed, feral, carefree, sarcastic little tyrants. Each with their own awesome personality and twisted sense of humor. They're just like you, and if you're a decent human being, you can bet your sweet ass it'll rub off on them. You did the world a favor by having kids. So yes, in my personal opinion, partaking of the "good leaf" not only makes for a better parent, it's good for the soul. Smoking weed responsibly does NOT make you an unfit parent. Simply put, if you can't toke and get shit done, blame yourself, not the weed.
Bowl of Weed vs Glass of Wine
What about the moms that don't indulge in wine, with their pinkies up? What if I prefer whiskey straight over a glass of Pinot? Better yet, what about those who like to "burn paper planes" instead of being about that #WineLife? Here's where the scrutinizing begins. People say, “Isn’t that considered neglect? What if her kid hurts himself and needs to go to a hospital? How can you possibly focus when you're high?" Funny how the same question rarely comes up when a mom’s unwinding with a bottle of wine. I can snicker and snort at the wine memes all evening long, you can't miss em', they're posted everywhere. Can I relate? Of course, though I will always prefer whiskey over wine. Is there anything wrong with that? Not in my opinion, nor in the opinions of many others. No one is snooping your selfie for the empty bottle of wine and asking “Well what if you need to rush one of your kids to the hospital? What if there was an emergency?” Drinking while driving still remains a more serious threat than driving while high and texting while driving comes second to drinking, yet this ridiculous double standard somehow persists.
Regardless of where you stand on the issue, we can all agree that parenting is one of the most distressing, time-consuming, yet simultaneously rewarding of all of life's tasks. As parents, we all need to unwind and take time to summon what sanity we can for the safety of ourselves, our family, and the butthurt public. We're really not so different, we're all on this deranged rollercoaster of raising our kids together. Whether you're a stay-at-home mommy/daddy, a single parent striving to make the best life for you and your kids, or a 9-5 hustler, take time for yourselves, do what makes you happy. Your kids will thank you later.
And don't try to deny that your favorite time of the day isn't in fact, bedtime. It's the time for you to unwind while the kids are tucked away, sweetly dreaming of what fresh hell to unleash come sunrise.
© 2017 Mother of Mayhem