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The 10 Totally Illogical and Utterly Insipid Remarks Made To Childfree Couples

childfree & 1 child families

Why Don't YOU Want to Have Children? C'MON NOW

There seems to be people who are quite perplexed about the childfree lifestyle. They believe that people electing to be childfree are somewhat lacking and totally amiss. They include parents, relatives, and friends.

There seems to be people who are quite perplexed about the childfree lifestyle. They believe that people electing to be childfree are somewhat lacking and totally amiss. They include parents, relatives, and friends.

Many childfree couples ignore these pundits so it is NONE of the latter's business regarding if they elect to be childfree.  However, the negative remarks get to one after awhile.  It is ENOUGH to make ONE go BALLISTIC........

Many childfree couples ignore these pundits so it is NONE of the latter's business regarding if they elect to be childfree. However, the negative remarks get to one after awhile. It is ENOUGH to make ONE go BALLISTIC........


YOU Don't Want Children, WHAT Is WRONG With YOU!!

More thinking couples are opting to be childfree. They have given considerable thought to the positives and negatives regarding the issue of either having children or being childfree before deciding not to have children. They are happy regarding their respective choices.

Such couples are under the scrutiny of their parents, family members, friends, and other relatives. While some family members support and/or even applaud their individual choices, there are others who are quite aghast that they dare to make this decision. Even though childfree couples are more accepted than ever, there is underlying bias against childfree couples in this pronatalist society where having children is the norm. There are still some people who believe that those who elect not to have children to be totally abhorrent and abnormal.

Well, this is not necessarily the case. Being childfree is a quite acceptable lifestyle, thank you very much. However, there are people who believe their prochild lifestyle should be for everyone. They see it as quite normal to interfere with a couple's childfree life choice. Here is my list of the ten most utterly illogical and preposterous things that childfree couples hear on a frequent basis.

(1) You are being SELFISH for not having children, No, it is not. Not every couple wants children. They thought about the situation at hand before having children. They realize that having children involves spending time and energy with them. They further know that having children involves sacrifice that they do not wish to take. Having children required altering and even drastically changing one's lifestyle in order to accommodate them. Raising children is not an easy chore.

Many childfree couples are cognizant of this fact and act accordingly. Many people have children without considering all the angles involved. There are people who have children, much to their regret. Many people have children for the wrong reasons-to keep their marriage together, to mend a failing marriage, to give their parents a grandchild, to prove that they are true adults, and/or because it is an obligation to have children. Many people just do not think about the positive and negative aspects regarding having children until the children are born.

However, childfree couples are thinking and responsible people. They know that it is reprehensible to have children to conform to societal constructs. They are of the school that children must be planned and wanted. They realize that the prochild lifestyle is not the only legitimate lifestyle choice. Intelligent and thinking people always put their needs into account. Not to consider one's own needs when making an important decision is the epitome of being quite obtuse indeed.

(2) Family is composed of children, dear, if you have no children, you have no family.- No, it is not. Family is composed of people who care for and respect each other, whether it is blood related or nonblood related. Children do not make a family. Couples can be a family of 2 people sans children. Couples without children are usually less stressed and happy. While children are nice, oftentimes, they can cause stress among couples. How many arguments are related to children e.g. how to raise and discipline them and other related factors. Many arguments among couples are related to the subject of children.

Also, so many parents devote so much time to their children to the detriment of their couplehood. They are mom and dad instead of being couples and/or lovers. They are in the mom and dad mode excessively that when their children grow up and leave home, they forgot that they were once a couple. In essence, many of them have grown apart. While some rekindle the romance of once being a couple, others divorce because they have nothing besides their children in common anymore.

(3) I want a grandchild, you could at least grant me that.- The purpose of a couple is to give their parents a grandchild. If parents want a child in their lives, they could volunteer to work with children. There are so many children who need someone to mentor and/or talk to. There are so many ways that your parents can bond with a child in their lives. There are schools, hospitals, homeless shelters, and other organizations where they can devote their time to children in need.

Furthermore, it is quite thoughtless and self-centered for parents to expect their children to have children. Children are precious entities, they are not objects. If a couple has children, they should want them. Children are not objects to be used at will. That sought of thinking is totally egregious. Parents who believe that their children should supply them with a grandchild are beyond selfish. They have some issues that need to be seriously addressed.

(4) You must hate children, what is wrong with you. Childfree couples do not hate children. They just do not want children of their own. Childfree couples do interact with children , whether it is their neighbor's children, their cousins, nieces, nephews, and other related and/or nonrelated children in their lives. Many childfree couples have jobs and/or careers which they constantly interface with children.

Then, there are some people who do not like children, pure and simple. They are not bad people. It is just that some people only prefer adult company to that of children. That is just their psychological composition. There are people who find the sight of children totally unnerving and unsettling. They just do not have the prerequisite energy and/or patience to interface with children. They can take and/or leave children, no more, no less.

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(5) All women want children, that is the maternal instinct within ALL women.- No, no, no, no! All women do not have a maternal instinct. Some women are quite indifferent about children. Others clearly do not wish to be bothered with them in the least. The premise that all women have maternal instincts is totally based on atavistic, sexist myths.

There are women who are quite happy being childfree. They have other interests and hobbies that occupy them. They have friends that they go out with. They may have an emotionally fulfilling and demanding career. They can have a lifestyle that precludes children and they are quite happy with that.

(6) Children makes you fulfilled.- Uh uh. Having children for the purpose of making one fulfilled is the height of utter immatury, stupidity, and selfishness. How many people have children because they believed that the child will fulfill them to discover that having children requires a level of responsibility that is beyond what they possess. Now, they view that child as a burden. How many precious children are abused because the parents could not cope with the responsibilities of childrearing? Much more than it is accountable.

Children should not be conceived to fulfill the parents' narcississtic yearnings. When you are parent, your children should be the main priority in your life, not vice versa. However, there are some people who misconstrue the issue at hand. Childfree couples are fulfilled in a myriad of ways. They have friends, careers, hobbies, activities, and/or may participate in cultural activities that fulfill them. They are fulfilled and content within themselves. Children are human beings, not avenues to be used for self-fulfillment.

(7) You are not finally an adult until YOU have children. Hmmmm. Not true at all. Children is a moot issue to whether one is a true adult or not. Yes, many people believe that having children makes one a bona fide adult. They are of the school that people who do not have children are still at the adolescent level. They adamantly maintain that if a couple only take care of themselves, they are not adults and in order to be considered to be a true adult, one MUST have children.

There are many childfree couples who are mature. They are responsible people who contribute to their communities and the general society. They are also respectful and caring about each others and the close people in their lives.

Conversely, there are irresponsible parents out there. All of use have witnesses fathers who routinely walk away from their families, mothers who horrifically abuse their children because the rigors of childrearing is beyond their capabilities. Parents who have little or no involvement in their children's lives, often delegating their duties to other members of their families whether it is grandparents, aunts, uncles, and/or oldest children. Having children does not necessarily make one more adult. There are mature and responsible adutls who elect not to have children.

(8) Who is going to care for you when you get old?- Having children is not an assured guarantee that they will be there for you when you get old. There are many instances when parents get old, their children are nowhere to be found. There are children who view their aging parents as a bearable eyesore. Many adult children routinely put their parents in nursing homes because they have no time for them. Still others, although they care for aging parents, do so reluctantly and out of a sense of obligation.

There are many childfree couples who have relatives and other people who willingly care and/or otherwise look after them. Furthermore, being old is not necessarily correlated with becoming more fragile. There are many old people who are strong, vigorous, and are able to care for themselves into highly advanced years. Also, if childfree couples have a good long term care plan in addition to some younger people, either related or nonrelated, who are actually concerned about you, your concerns have been address. I know of a younger neighbor who regularly and without complain visit an elderly childfree neighbor on a daily basis to care for her physical and emotional needs. Conversely, there are elderly people in nursing homes whose children seldom, if ever, visit them.

(9) You are not doing your part for society. Many people believe that in order to fully contribute to society and to the world at large, one must have children. After all, they surmise, you must continue the human species. Even if you do not have children, there are other people who will. Again, not everyone wants to have children. If you want to have children, fine. Let others who do not want to have children-BE! Furthermore, there are myriad ways to contritue to society whether it through art, literature, medicine, education, and/or other related factors. Having is not the only way a couple can contribute to society and the world at large.

(10) You are preordained to have children after all that is what marriage is for. Nope. Couples get married and/or otherwise committed to be with each other. Children may or may not be in the equation. Many religions still maintain that the purpose for marriage is to beget children. There are some religions who eschew any type of contraception, exhorting couples to produce as many children as possible.

These religions maintain that children ARE the marriage and that any couple who elect not to have children are living an extremely self-indulgent life. According to these religionists, it is God's law that married couples are to have children. They further assert that it is a sin against God hence it is unnatural not to have children.

Marriage and/or other commitments are not for the purpose of having children. The purpose of marriage and/or other committed relationships are to develop a closeness and rapport with each other. Children are not an essential component to such relationships. Children are the bonus to marriage and/or other committal relationships, no more, no less.

Childfree couples oftentimes face endless verbal barrage from people who are not comfortable with the former's choice. Many people are quite threatened and nonplussed with the aspect that there are people who choose not to have children. There are some people who assert that people who are married and/or in an otherwise committal relationship ought to have children. There are people who are quite happy being childfree. However, many people refuse to acknowledge that fact, feeling that the prochild lifestyle is for everyone. Sadly, there are some people who can be quite intrusive regarding other's lifestyle. It is none of their business what a couple decide to with their lives.

© 2013 Grace Marguerite Williams


kaypet on October 08, 2013:

So true that having children is a great responsibility and it's a responsible act of respect for children when adults know themselves well enough that it isn't for them. In all honesty most other adults understand this fact and will often say about uncommitted incompetent parents that they shouldn't have had kids. Including the ones who challenge being childless by choice. Replies ought to not explain the obvious, but snap the challengers out of this. For I want grandchildren so much, "well since you want grandkids so badly, I take it I could try out having a baby, pregnancy intrigues me, and I can see now that if I want to still live the way I do now I could leave the kid for you to raise mostly. Don't worry I'd contribute financially and see it when I visit you and maybe go on a weeks holiday a year with it to give you a break." To those that say it's selfish not to have kid, " I know that's true, I'm very selfish while I don't admit it to everyone. I'm just worried that in having kids might expose it. There is no way any kids needs could come before mine, in time , money or intrude on personal life. I'd expect to use corporal punishment to shut them up and keep them in line. It wouldn't worry me if they were taken off me except for my image. To kids make a real family, "I agree, just a bit worried about ending up in jail as I relive 'secrets only a family can have' in strange, yet hot enticing dreams."

To not a real adult/responsible until kids, reply with "since I hate being forced by anything or anyone into responsabilities I don't see as worth while reasons for me, like kids, I'd end up dumping the baby at the firestation for safe abandonment as soon as it cried too much one night. Wait a minute there is hope, that's a responsible baby dumping.Maybe..."

For what about your old age support, "I've thought of that. Could insure the kid for a lot of money, this way it doesn't matter if it's well or autistic. Were a fatal accident to happen when it's an active toddler I'm set for the best care, maybe lawyer money can buy."

Grace Marguerite Williams (author) from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York on July 25, 2013:

THANK YOU, it is SELFISH for parents to expect that from their children. Children have THEIR OWN lives. However, many people DO expect that from their children. They even proclaim that they have children as a source for security and old age insurance!

Viva Jones from UK on July 25, 2013:

I couldn't agree more - your point 8 about who'll look after you in old age is the corker - are babies aware as they travel down the birth canal of the contract they're entering into - no exciting careers abroad for them, oh no, they've got to stick around to wipe away dribble and change those incontinence pads...possibly the most SELFISH thing a parent can expect is to be looked after by their kids. So glad I've got no-one to blackmail in that way. And Que Scout - totally agree too!

Steve from Fiji on June 10, 2013:

If I may add; the greenest, most environmentally friendly thing one can possibly do is not have children.

Grace Marguerite Williams (author) from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York on May 22, 2013:

i wholeheartedly concur with your premise!

Bill Russo from Cape Cod on May 21, 2013:

We need to get to a state of mind where we can accept other people's choices without trying to force them to accept our idea for what is proper or 'normal'. This goes for people on either side of any issue.

james on May 07, 2013:

Do not let anyone bring you down with their insults for not being a parent. This world is full of parents who are totally and completely idiots and they don't know how to raise healthy children. Of course this is not the case for everyone. But most people are worth nothing as parents.

Patty Inglish MS from USA and Asgardia, the First Space Nation on February 01, 2013:

Thanks for writing about these 10 big lies of manipulation. These people who try to manipulate must be miserable and want to cast misery onto others, namely folks that know they do not wish to have children and the poor children that they would have anyway if they listened to the lies. Does not the overpopulated world have enough problems?

Grace Marguerite Williams (author) from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York on February 01, 2013:

One should never have children for self-fulfillment-that is INDEED selfish. One has children to serve THEM and help them to become independent and successful adults. When one has children, it is NOT about the former but about the LATTER. In other words, YOU do not matter as much as THE CHILD/CHILDREN. Remember that, Anna, the child/children ARE FIRST AND FOREMOST. Children are not diversions but living God-entities.

Anna on February 01, 2013:

I'm quoting you here:

"Children makes you fulfilled.- Uh uh. Having children for the purpose of making one fulfilled is the height of utter immatury, stupidity, and selfishness."

Grace Marguerite Williams (author) from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York on February 01, 2013:

Anna, please reread the hub. It does not disparage those who elect to have children. Don't misconstrue the facts at hand, thank you kindly.

Anna on February 01, 2013:

What do you have against people who find fulfillment in having children? It makes some people happier with their lives. As long as they are not over-reproducing, I don't see how anyone can disparage that.

Grace Marguerite Williams (author) from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York on January 29, 2013:

You are quite welcome indeed.

Patricia Scott from North Central Florida on January 28, 2013:

This was well said.

My daughter and grandchildren mean the world to me. However others may not have that same mothering desire. And truthfully I respect those who decide not to have children. There are so many children who are abused and neglected that it is a tragedy. So for a family to decide they will not have children is probably the right decision for them.

Sadly others do pass judgment and make unkind remarks.

Each of us has to search our souls and decide what is best for our lives and if we are willing to care for new lives when they enter the planet.

Sending Angels to you this evening :) ps And thanks for sharing this with us.

Karen A Szklany from New England on January 28, 2013:

Very interesting and important subject for a hub. My husband and I both discussed that we were open to raising a child, and we needed to work hard to conceive. We stopped at one because I was forty when my daughter came into the world and believe that there were serious risks for both myself and a baby if I attempted another. Although my daughter would love a sibling, she has other young playmates to call friends and she is content with that.

We know couples who are childless who have been very good with our daughter. My cousin is her godmother and other child-friendly church friends who will remain childless themselves are very good with her, too. We have a couple of neighbors who pretend to know how to treat children but really don't , and they are the ones that annoy us. (long story).

All couples who have children should want them. It is a big responsibility. Those who don't want that 24/7 responsibility but enjoy the company of their friends' children can make great caretakers. We understand that and appreciate the gifts that kind, safe adult friends give to our child (those much-loved aunties and uncles by association). :0) It is better to not try to raise a child if you don't feel prepared to do so. Even when you are ready, there are always challenges to face. Children know whether they are loved and wanted, and all children born deserve to be loved and wanted from the moment that they enter the world.

I think that some previous generations were given the message that you can't really enjoy your own children, so they were stern, often harsh and held back affection from their own children, with the anticipation of enjoying their grandchildren. That is unfortunate. They are the ones that often attempt to control how their grandchildren are raised...and that is not okay to parents who raise their children thoughtfully. For all those who bought into that mindset, there are also those families who have ignored that message and raised loving, affectionate families who love each others' company and enjoy doing things together, like camping, vacationing, etc....and succeeding generations are the better for that, as is the world in general.

Grace Marguerite Williams (author) from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York on January 28, 2013:

I do not mind at all. Link the article, be my quest.

Theophanes Avery from New England on January 28, 2013:

A related issue... "Here, you don't have kids, that obviously means you should take care of my ill-begotten bastards!" I am at a point in my life I am going to kill the next parent of a feral child that tries to dump them on me for whatever reason.

I was quite old (late teens) when I first heard of a child being planned. I though all children arose from poor practice of birth control and other happy accidents. I found the whole idea of a child being planned so utterly bizarre it sent me on a philosophical mind field for the next week thinking about it.

Anyway, I spent the first 25 years of my life not only childless but partnerless. You want to hear a lot of people bitching at the wall... holy crap. Maybe I was a closeted lesbian, maybe I had some deep dark secret, maybe I had some horrible mental illness... no one bothered to think maybe I was just waiting around for the RIGHT choice to come along. I have no regrets at all waiting that long. I feel I missed nothing and gained something truly amazing when he did show up in my life.

Great article and I thank you for writing it. Do you mind if I link it to my article Not Everyone Wants Kids? It seems a nice follow up. :)

John D Nathan from Dallas, Texas. USA on January 28, 2013:

I completely understand this article, because we are people who have elected to not have children. Of course we are two people of the same gender so many people expect us not to have children.

My mother wanted grandchildren. Frankly it's not my responsibility to give her that. As the offspring I have quite literally no obligations to my parents whatsoever beyond being thankful they didn't kill me as soon as I shot out of the womb. Sure I do visit them once a week and help them with random tasks, but I am in no way obligated to procreate for them.

Catherine Taylor from Canada on January 28, 2013:

Really interesting topic. I have several friends who have opted not to have children and consider them to very thoughtful individuals who have made the right choice for them. Frankly I think a lot of people who do have children should have thought more about their decision to have them. The world is over-populated as it is, I applaud childless couples for not adding to the problem.

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