Wife of a school administrator, mother of seven children, and grandmother of a growing posterity, Denise understands all aspects of family.
Many people today are concerned about the future of the family. High divorce rates, juvenile delinquency, teen pregnancy, full prisons, and problems in public education are all signals of decreasing family influence. Unrest and disputation exist as to the duties of the head of household, who is responsible for the children, and where boundaries lie.
Some feel the makeup of the traditional family is a cause of much disillusionment between married couples. Pepper Schwartz, in her book Peer Marriage (1994), defines traditional couples as “those who divide male and female roles into separate spheres of influence and responsibility, with final authority given to the husband” (p. 2). Her study on marriages of this type showed “that traditional couples sacrifice the elemental goals of intimacy, deep friendship, and (whether they know it or not) mutual respect” (p. 3).
Population studies on the constitution of the family have triggered an increase in research. Focus on the Family, founded by psychologist, Dr. James Dobson, has provided a vast body of knowledge and understanding on the family. Researcher Dr. John Gottman published his findings in 1994 with Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. He speaks of the principles of communication that lead to marital success.
These and the writings of others have led to an increase in the strength and stability of the recent decade of families; however, very few address the roles and responsibilities of men and women within the family. Having observed families for the past forty years, the author has developed a model, "The Family of the Future," that addresses this area. Successful families today are applying the principles of this model.
“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”
The basis for the model is the “nuclear family” – a “mother and father and their children” – as defined by Beatrice Gottlieb in her treatise The Family in the Western World (1993, p. 12). The family of the future is a nuclear family. It has three areas of focus: the marriage covenant, the secondary roles and responsibilities in the family, and the primary roles of men and women.
The Marriage Covenant
The marriage covenant in "The Family of the Future" is one built on the premise of equality between man and woman. Schwartz speaks of “egalitarian couples” (1994, p. 13). She defines them as couples that see each other as equals and “give priority to their relationship over their work and over all other relationships—with friends, extended family, even their children. Their mutual friendship is the most satisfying part of their lives.” She goes on to say “The point of equality and equity in these relationships is to create a marriage that makes each partner feel secure in the other person’s regard and support.” The man and woman, side-by-side, are equal in the marriage covenant. Together, they make decisions that determine the destiny of the family.
The Family of the Future, the Marriage
Adrian Wilson, author of The Family, calls the marriage relationship the “central core” of the family (1985, p. 9). In "The Family of the Future" model, the roof represents the marriage covenant. God, as the ultimate authority, is at the pinnacle. The two-way arrows leading from God to both the man and woman in the model illustrate the nature of their individual relationships with him before marriage. The arrows between the man, woman, and God represent the marriage itself. The action of marriage binds the man to the woman, and the woman to the man.Together, they are bound to God and constitute a family.
Secondary Roles in the Family
The marriage itself brings about secondary roles. They have to do with setting up and maintaining the “household”. Gottlieb states, “the family is the household” (1993, p. 1). Gottman’s research clearly shows that the reason for success or failure within marriage and the family lies in the issue of communication (1994).
When it comes to resolving conflict and determining household duties, “what really matters is that you agree on what’s acceptable.” Successful couples have a “style” that determines the way they communicate with one another and the way household responsibilities are fulfilled. It allows them to resolve conflict without harming their relationship. They are able to deal with crises effectively (Gottman, pp. 32-67).
The Family of the Future, Secondary Roles
Secondary roles and responsibilities are simply duties that must be done. As the husband and wife work together to accomplish these tasks, fulfilling them according to their own availability, talent, and personal preference, the household will run smoothly. Children can be given age appropriate chores that increase with ability and experience. Eventually they will reach the point where they can run things should the parents be absent from the home.
"The Family of the Future" illustrates this secondary role structure as the walls of the home, made with two-way arrows. There are many secondary roles - these are not an all-inclusive list - and they change as circumstances require. Flexibility and communication are vital in the distribution and fulfillment of these roles. The overall success of the family must be a common goal.
“...there is no such thing as men’s work or women’s work. There’s just work that needs to be done, and we do it together."
The Primary Roles of Men and Women in the Family
In "The Family of the Future" model, the roles of the man and woman are divided into primary and secondary roles. Primary roles are the result of biological differences that are inborn and cannot be changed or given away. Secondary roles can be fulfilled by either, both together, or children that are part of the family.
The primary role of the male is that of provider/protector, or husband and father. The husband provides the means whereby children come into the world, a place for them to live, support for their necessities, and leadership within the family. He provides support for his wife while she fulfills her primary role, that of procreator/preparer, or wife and mother. The mother brings children into the world and sees to their daily needs of nourishment and nurturing. Her support of her husband in his role brings strength to their relationship and to the family.
The Family of the Future, Primary Roles
In his book Straight Talk, Dr. James Dobson speaks directly to men and women, assisting them in understanding the role of fathers in the home. Straight Talk gives men information they can use immediately to build a home with the traits and qualities every home should have: stability and leadership without dictatorship; a solid system of family finances; children who know God and feel good about themselves; wives who feel supported, enabled and loved; and meaningful times of togetherness.
Many in our progressive society would have us believe that women do not have the primary role in the nurture of their children and men do not necessarily need to be the providers and protectors. Both of these myths leave men and women wondering just what their real roles and responsibilities are.
"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. "
Society throughout the ages has experimented with various forms of deviance from the primary roles of men and women in the family structure only to find out too late in their history, that their society was in shambles. The current social experiments of cohabitation and gay marriage may work for some temporarily, but as a general rule, they leave women and children vulnerable to poverty, ill health, rejection, abandonment, gang influence, and crime.
The illustration shows the equality between men and women in their roles as fathers and mothers in the foundation of the family. When these biologically determined roles are respected and lived, children are brought into a stable family environment. They grow to be responsible citizens who eventually take their place in the foundation of their own future homes. Families who follow this established pattern strengthen society as a whole. Those who choose to leave this pattern behind take away from society the most basic of its vital building blocks, the family.
The Family of the Future Model
Roles and Responsibilities Within the Family Unit
Stephen R. Covey, in his book Seven Habits of Highly Successful Families (1997) tells parents: "Your role in the family will never end. You will never be replaced. Your influence and the need for your influence never ends. Even after you are gone, your children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren will still look to you as their parent or grandparent. Family is one of the few permanent roles in life, perhaps the only truly permanent role" (p. 116).
Covey says that successful families decide for themselves how they want their family to be. He lists as Habit #2 “Begin with the end in mind” (1997, p. 70). Every family needs a vision of its own future. Principles and priorities then govern the decisions the family makes along the way.
The model of a house shown best illustrates "The Family of the Future." The roof represents the marriage covenant. Together, husbands and wives are responsible for the many duties (secondary roles) that keep the household running smoothly. The primary roles of mother and father provide a solid foundation on which the family rests, providing ample opportunity for the bringing of children into the world. The stairs in the front of the house symbolize the children that are born to the married couple and their upward movement into the family structure. The extended family provides a frame of reference and starting point for the nuclear family.
"The Family of the Future" is strong and stable, a stability that comes from the realization that the marriage covenant is the ultimate influence in the family. Equality within marriage leads spouses to treat each other with mutual respect. The couple makes decisions that affect the welfare of the family together. The male and female roles within the family are equally essential, yet very different in their constitution and fulfillment. Men and women who live their roles effectively and keep a vision of their vital purpose make strong families.
This article condensed and revised from a research paper completed by Denise W. Anderson in 2008 for an English class at Williston State College.
*Published by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The following resources are available at www.lds.org:
- The Holy Bible, King James Version
- The Ensign, January 1995, article by Brad Wilcox, "Work Enough for Two"
- The Proclamation on the Family
Covey, S. R. (1997). Seven habits of highly effective families. New York: Golden Books.
Dobson, J. (2000). Book review of Straight talk. Cultivating a strong marriage. Focus on the family website.
Gottlieb, B. (1993). The family in the Western World. New York: Oxford University Press.
Gottman, J. (1994). Why marriages succeed or fail. New York: Fireside of Simon and Schuster Inc.
Schwartz, P. (1994). Peer marriage. New York: The Free Press, a division of Macmillan, Inc.
Wilson, A. (1985). The family. New York: Tavistock Publications.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2013 Denise W Anderson
Denise W Anderson (author) from Bismarck, North Dakota on May 08, 2018:
I appreciate your questions, Mini, and apologize for not responding to your comments sooner. Religion is such a fundamental part of our lives, that when couples have differences in this aspect, they cannot be ignored. I know several families who have agreed to disagree in this area, and still build a strong cohesive family. They decided ahead of time whether or not they would go to church, and if so, where. They determined not to baptize their children, but to allow the children to make those decisions when they were older. They chose to let relatives on either side know that they would not bow to pressures to join or follow the guidelines of one religion over another. Once this plan was in place, they were able to follow it and make decisions based upon it. Communication is key to the family's success. I don't believe it is ever "too late" for anyone to build a successful family, no matter what our beliefs. When we have open, honest dialogue with each other and our family members, we are able to do what is necessary to keep our family intact and running smoothly.
Mina Bahri on April 09, 2018:
Find it very interesting, but what about couples having differences in religion?
Is your book give advise and explain how to became a familly of the future if starting relationship on other basics? I mean Is it to late ?
Dianna Mendez on September 18, 2013:
I love your content and design, but especially love your message. The family of the future can be a firm foundation, in spite of the non-traditional structure, if it adheres to faith, family, and love at the core. Excellent view.
Denise W Anderson (author) from Bismarck, North Dakota on September 16, 2013:
Thanks for the compliment, midgest38! I appreciate you reading and enjoying my hub!
Thanks, Careermommy! Dr. Dobson has been a great advocate for families. We will miss him now that he has turned his organization over to others. His work will stand the test of time for many generations!
Tirralan Watkins from Los Angeles, CA on September 15, 2013:
Denise, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this hub. You were so detailed and thorough. I enjoy Dr. Dobson's books as well!
Michelle Liew from Singapore on September 15, 2013:
Great advice and a superbly well researched hub, Denise!
Denise W Anderson (author) from Bismarck, North Dakota on September 12, 2013:
That is interesting, mathira, that we lean toward rights rather than duties. I appreciate you reading and commenting. Thanks for your positive feedback.
You are right, MsDora. Biblical principles are definitely a guiding force when it comes to keeping families strong. Thanks for commenting on the model. Your feedback is appreciated.
Dora Weithers from The Caribbean on September 12, 2013:
Denise, thank you for a great informational and instructional article. The people who make sense of the structure and the operation of the family are those who build on biblical principles. Even the secondary roles must follow the wisdom and golden rule concepts. Your creation of the models is excellent. Thank you .
mathira on September 12, 2013:
We are more inclined towards our rights than our duties and that is why we see so many clashes in families. Excellent advice denise.
Denise W Anderson (author) from Bismarck, North Dakota on September 11, 2013:
You are right, Eliza, it is good advice for all families. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Eliza Anderson on September 11, 2013:
This is good advice for all families, not just ours.