I tend to question God sometimes! I know I shouldn’t! But I sometimes ask Why? Why was my child/ children taken? Why did I get pregnant if I couldn‘t carry the child to term? Why is my heart so heavy for a child I’ve never seen? Why can I not stop thinking of this child? My children……….
My Angel My First Loss
My Dearest Angel……
Don’t ever think mommy has forgotten you. I remember the day you were conceived. It was something that clicked inside of me. Every time I’ve gotten pregnant I’ve always known. The exact time! It was like I would feel something different like I just got pregnant!
I remember the exact day I got pregnant with your two living big brothers and you were no different. I wasn’t trying to have a child at that time. I was in a difficult relationship. I don’t know if I should say difficult. Maybe the word I’m looking for is deceitful.
your father was so kind, he pampered me and treated me like a queen.
One morning he came over about 2:23 AM I was so sleepy. He was out working and woke me up. Before he had at home. I’ve always use protection. But in this particular morning I was so tired and uninterested. That instead of me putting it on I hand it to him. I was fighting my sleep. But I did not realize he did not use the protection. all of a sudden I felt that spark that thing I felt when I got pregnant with your two older brothers.
Once I stood up I knew what had happened and I asked why? Why would you do something like that without my consent. I wasn’t on birth control And I was ovulating, I always kept track. He thought I was flattering for me to think he could have gotten me pregnant at his age. I was so pissed because I knew deep in me I knew! I had gotten bit my a spider. So I was taken some meds for the spider bit. I didn’t read the instructions that said do not take if you’re pregnant or breast-feeding. Because I didn’t plan on getting pregnant. I can send it to take the medicine. Then about two weeks later I miss my cycle.
I already know I don’t need a test. But of course I took one. And I needed some guidance mentally. Because when I talk to him about it I didn’t feel he took it serious. He made a joke and say I knocked you up! To me that was so insulting, because that wasn’t what I asked for. My mind was racing on what I should do. But I knew in my heart I would keep you.
we were from I guess you can say two different worlds so different races. At first she was excited. And was telling me how he imagined our daughter would look. She would be beautiful! He’s always say. He told me he was going to take care of things. And be responsible for his actions. But how fast things change. When you find out there’s another woman involved. I didn’t know he was married we dated for 11 months. Then he told me I was so blown. How could I not have know. There were no signs I talk to him every day. When I got up in the morning all through the day. He will come over when he get off work before I went to school college that is.
he paid all my bills, help me take care of my two older children. And when I think back I can remember him saying. When you get home from school don’t worry about calling an old man. I’m old I go to bed early just come in the morning I love you. I still didn’t take that as a sign. We were too close.
After that initial excitement. A few months went by. 2 1/2 months. He told he maNed up and told. He moved out into an apartment he got for us. But with everything going on I didn’t want my children there. We still had our house he was helping pay for. I will come over at night after the children went to bed. Or I would let him spend the night at my mothers. And stay there with him.
Then one day this sweet loving kind man started to be distant, angry, just out right telling me to have an abortion. I don’t know what happened why was he treating me this way. It wasn’t like I tried to trap him or even plan this. I made up my mind I was just walk away and raise his child on my own he had the option to reach out to me if you wanted to see it or even be a part of it. But I wasn’t holding him responsible for me wanting to keep it. Every day it was yelling and screaming yelling and screaming. When are you going to get rid of this baby I can’t have it I can’t have another child. And of course my smart mouth would say I didn’t ask for it you just have it too me. And now I’m keeping it. This went on for about four days at the apartment. Until I got tired of coming there laying with him next to somebody they did not want our child. I had already went through one divorce a single mother with two boys. I didn’t want to raise another child without a father but I made up my mind I was going to do it. Then one night he pick me up from my house to go to the apartment. And his OnStar came on there was a call in his truck. He said be quiet. I looked at him like he lost his mind. It was his wife! She said did you tell her yet, he said no I’m working on it.
She said I will be back in a week and that B@&$; better has gotten rid of that half breed. And you better be home. He said OK she said I love you and he said I love you too. I was so hurt and felt so used and betrayed. All this time I’ve been cooking for you caring for you loving you. And you planned to leave me. No one but a women that has gone through this type of hurt know how this feels. This was like stabbing you multiple times in the chest with a knife you loves your attacker. I was so hurt I said I hate you and I hate you got me pregnant. I didn't want him to do anything else for me. He had already paid for me to take an additional CNA class that I knew I would eventually have to take. I put the class after pregnancy. Because you couldn’t take that class when you’re pregnant. But I didn’t care I knew I didn’t want anything or any hand out from him. So I pretended I wasn’t pregnant I wasn’t showing. I could start feeling Quivers you made sure I knew you were there. I would only take water lots of crackers and Gatorade to class. Because I stay nauseated and sick on my stomach. One day he called and I really didn’t want to answer the phone. But like a week girl/woman I answered. And he said how long will you continue to play this game. I will give you money to get rid of the baby. And I will continue to help you with your bills until you get on your feet. I got the phone as I hung up I got a call about a job. A night job sitting with an elderly lady. I was so sick and weak but I was determined to make it without him. I drove and cried. All I did was cry, where the spider bite start hurting with everything going on I stopped taking the meds. Then I thought about it I didn’t finish the prescription all the way out . That was nearly 3 months ago should I even take this. But strange enough where I got bit by a spider, there was like a little white puss bump like infection. So when I went home I went to my vanity and I took one of the pills. I don’t know what I was thinking. I drank some water lay down I was so sick. And I had to go to work that night I felt you quivering quivering quivering inside my stomach. And I told you to call down and let Mommy sleep. But you were in overdrive you would not calm down. I forced myself out of the bed to go to work to work the 11 to 7 shift. I packed up things for my boys to stay the night at my moms. I went to work and you were still quivering, quivering, quivering it was so weird and now I knew you were in distress. I was so weak I could barely hold my head up. I did not know that that was the beginning of a miscarriage. I went to class that morning right after work class started at 8:00 AM until 5:00 PM. I was so tired and sleepy and week.
my stomach started to cramp and asked to be excused. I went to the bathroom and laid on the floor. I was praying I could pull it together. At least until lunchtime and I will go lay in my car for that hour. The cramps get more intense, the pain was coming. It’s like I was in labor. I didn’t go back to class I walk straight out of the building. And I went to the hospital, by the time I got to the hospital. I was losing you my dear Angel. I walked into the emergency room and told him I needed to see a doctor immediately. I was threatening or either going into a miscarriage. By the time I got to the back there was blood everywhere. No more quivering, it stopped you stopped! I had lost you. I got checked to see if I needed a DNC. But you pass right out of me. I could see your small formation. I was broken and hurt. I was so confused I didn’t know if it was my fault due to the meds or it just wasn’t meant to be due to the situation. My mother was there she met me at the hospital, your father was there. I called him and told him I was heading to the hospital, I don’t know why? He probably was so happy, because as I was leaving the hospital. I got a call from his wife laughing. Saying that half breed baby's is dead. I was so hurt I decided to stay single I was single for two years. Because my heart cannot get over you Angel and the hurt he brought to me.
King Anthony I heard Your Voice
I remember the exact day and event going on when I Conceived you. Life was hard at that time. Things had start falling apart fast. And again I wasn’t trying to have two small children at one time. I was actually trying to figure out a way of getting my life together and on track. My GrandMother was sick and eventually died. My Mother had just gotten out of a wheel chair. And she was caring for her and I was doing the best I could. And I was going through so much stress, so much mental abuse. I was terrified with a child inside me. I never knew what to say that was right away to do that may cause a trigger. I just knew this wasn’t good.
It’s hard laying in bed next to someone that lets you know with his actions and words he hates you. He has love for you but he’s not in love with you. Those words cut so deep. Sometimes I still hear them and I forgiven him. But sometimes abuse has been so long so bad so hard. You can still hear the words the things being said.
I knew this was gonna be difficult but I still loved you. No matter who fathered you I was in such a bad situation and then I needed his help. I had given birth to your brother. But why can I give birth to you.
I was Riding home one day in tears. I was in the SUV all alone no one was with me. Then I heard a young child's voice. saying Mommy! Mommy!
I thought I was Trippin and I looked around and I still didn’t see anyone. I was still crying and then I heard a voice say. Mommy don’t cry it just wasn’t my time I‘it’s ok. I felt that I was out of my mind because I continue to look around and there was no one in the vehicle. No one but me I stop crying. I started to dry my eyes and feel a little better. When I made it home I told my partner what I heard. And my mom! And I knew it was all better. It would be OK ! I will never forget and always here your voice those words. It’s ok Mommy I wasn’t time. I love you King Anthon.
My Upcoming King
It was My Destiny so I called you Destiny
To my Destiny. I knew my fate and what having you would bring. No you weren’t planned! But things looked bright I was happy and I felt in a better place. I thought your Father and I were on the same page. I wasn’t trying to get pregnant I was actually taking birth control to protect myself. Before you even begin I dreamed of you. But I had no plans on having you. Unless things changed. I truster your Father with me! All if me my heart, mind, and body. This time things were different between us. He promised too makes change. He promised me the world with him in it. I believe this was a new beginning. Trust that was something I didn’t possess. After all that I have been through he knew. Know everything at least he would say he knew everything about me. Unfortunately he mishandles me. I was so trusting I believed his this time. that man can’t look at my ass and probably too late to do anything. I love the ground you walk down. And I thought he truly love me. On and on at how beautiful I thought things were and how our relationship was. Oh we had a life together I knew he was the one for me forever. We always came back to each other. we were destined to be together and then I noticed not really notice because things were still good. I got pregnant and I didn’t tell him. I didn’t wanna tell him. Because things had took a left turn and he start showing me he never changed. He wasn’t going to change, I don’t even know why I believe and trust him over all these years. He starts to break my heart. I nearly lost my mind! But I knew I had to fight for my children. I couldn’t leave them without a mother, no can I leave my mother.
so I thought through this battle this pain inside me, this hurts and my head. And I look over my life our life our time together. Looking for warning signs what did I do wrong? Why did he treat me so bad. Why did he even lie to me. Eventually I told him about the pregnancy. That I didn’t want to expose I was so stressed and scared he would have thought I did it on purpose. But that was never my intention. I want to him to love me and be with me because of me. I know I’m a good woman I would’ve made him a perfect mate. But losing you I knew was my fate. I was willing to let him go just to have you. I remember taking that long drive to Springhill Memorial Hospital. I remember feeling you feeling That same quiver in my stomach. That I had with every child a loss. He five and I think each day what are you struggling to live where are you fighting to breathe. As the water release from between my legs and the blood came. I was a broken, I was always broken. But I thought he had patched me up just too bust my heart up. And piss in our cups. Baby Girl I’m sorry you could t stay, know I love you and think of you everyday.