Is This Thing On?
That’s the sound of the crickets chirping.
All these years of silence and when I finally vomit up my vigilance, nada. Not that I have a “reading audience”, but I’m almost certain I have a family around here somewhere… now where did I set those darn things down?
I sewed my own lips shut years ago and this tattling has been freeing in a way I was unaware existed. As I was conveying my fears of impending emotional doom to a friend and my current lack of care towards it, I didn’t see guilt begin to slink up and curl itself warmly around my ankles.
What if they call you a liar? An attention seeker? What if they tell you to let sleeping dogs lie? Who do you think you are? (Hi, I’m Jennifer) It could be that this is the calm before the storm, the emptying of the gulf before the tsunami engulfs. What if all I ever get is an extra hug, unaware of its intention to comfort? What if all I get is a few less relatives to dread seeing? What if all I get to do is set down this heavier-than-shit, god-forsaken weight? What if all I get is a cold from Colorado and a caffeine addiction I can’t give up? What if all I get is peaceful sleep? What if all I get is a loving relationship? What if all I get is a million dollar book deal? Too far?
I accidentally quieted myself with these questions the past few days. Then, unexpectedly I received a gift via Fed-Ex and it simply said what no one else has, “I’m listening”. Which, quite frankly, scared the wee-wee out of me. I’m afraid that everything I write will sound whiney or woe-is-me so I wrote a few paragraphs that were not unpleasant and it inadvertently shut me up. I finally found this ladder to boost me up over my self-made wall and I’m trying to kick the damn thing over while still three rungs down. “It’s a process”, I tell myself as I make an unnecessary wide arc around the laptop. “It’s a process”, I tell myself as I avoid alone spaces with my mother. “It’s a process”, I tell myself as I kick my notebook under the bed. “It’s a process” I think to myself as I take out my needle and thread and begin sewing my lips shut again.
Cathy Nerujen from Edge of Reality and Known Space on August 07, 2011:
My partner has a saying and it may be appropriate here...
"Feel the fear and do it anyway".
It's a title of one of her favorite books.
greekbastard on February 18, 2011:
circling around the computer is circling around the writing and the urge to get it on paper. so write it down. don't be affraid to hurt anyone. I have been thinking about my past and comparing it to a dog who has no voice of it's own. getting kicked, not fed, left outside.. you know.. but what if it had a voice. like on family guy. so all i am saying is we all have shit we can't get out for whatever reason. i am too nice to people, scared to hurt their feelings ALL the time.. so i am working on that. oh and i can relate with the process, cause with my recovery i am feeling bat shit crazy even though I am clean. Yeah there is the post accute withdrawal syndrome or symptom (someone will correct this surely) I am learning to deal with emotions without any blocking or aiding from drugs. the dreams of using are not that frequent, but a reality. I'm not one of those who feels guilty about them, someone refered to them as freebies.. that is sort of funny, but the point is, it's a process. my sponsor told me it will take years before my brain, can, if it will, recircuit itself.. yikes.. that's fun. but the source of my addiction, well one of them, was my inability to let shit out, yell at people when i was mad, call them out on their shit. so write about your experience, strength and hope, to borrow a line from N.A. Just write it and we will read. Like a fat kid in dodge ball, i'm out of this bitch... sorry fat people...
Dennis Thorgesen from Beatrice, Nebraska U.S. on February 12, 2011:
I am wondering what you want me to feel? I feel its either too much or not enough. The photo is a little grainy but it suits the opening well. I just don't get where you are trying to lead me. Every piece should lead somewhere. Good luck and keep trying....