Self defense for parents
Teenagers have been driving parents crazy for centuries, and the time has come for parents to fight back. Do not fight back, like a father has recently done on the internet, by shooting your teenager's laptop or property (you will look like a redneck and possibly violent). Fight back by using their own tactics against them.
1. Whenever your teenager mumbles something, which is all the time, replace their mumbles with actual words and say your new sentence back to them. For example, "Mom, I want to mumble, mumble, and mumble." One should say, "What? Mom I want to the dishes and mow the lawn?" Immediately, your teenager will do a double take and mumble an angry reply. The reply will probably go something like this, " No mom, I said that I want to mumble, mumble, because mumble, mumble, mumble." You reply with, "What? No mom, I said that I want to mow the lawn and do the dishes, because you already work too hard.”
2. Match your teenager’s eye rolls with your own eye rolls. Warning! There are some eye rolls that only a teenager can do. An example is the dreaded double eye roll. There is a rumor that one teenager pulled off a triple eye roll, but that is an unconfirmed report.
3. Listen to talk, NPR or sports radio while in the car. Teenagers need to be educated about the world, politics, or sports, and the car is a perfect time to do so. Well, it is a good idea, unless, he/she has an IPod to listen to in the car instead of the radio. In that case, you need to conveniently borrow their ear phones sometime before entering the vehicle.
4. Tell your teenager how hard you had it as a teenager. Tell them how you had to do your own laundry, clean your own room, entertain yourself, or eat whatever your mom or dad made for dinner.
5. Friend all of your teenagers friend on Facebook. Think of all the embarrassing chats you can have, with your teenager’s peeps, about your teenager!
6. Sing along to the songs playing on the radio. The louder you can sing along the better. Also, do not be afraid to bust a move… even if you’re sitting in your car at a stoplight.
7. Try using some new slang you hear in a commercial, music video, or movie on your teenager. Better yet, try using your new vocabulary in front of their friends (thumping your chest while yelling peace, or making a peace sign, is always cool).
8. Make your teenager learn to appreciate old movies. Watch old westerns, romantic comedies, dramas or vampire movies where vampires are actually scary and do not sparkle.
9. Say embarrassing things when they are talking on their cell phones. Remember all the times your teenager has said something embarrassing at church or in front of your friends? Now is your time to do the same thing. “Honey, is this the underwear you had that accident in?”
10. Try wearing teenage fashions. Nothing irritates a teenager like seeing how dumb or trashy you look in the latest teenage fashion (do not be afraid of those short shorts). Unfortunately, they will never realize how dumb or trashy their fashion looks on them.
11. Give long sermons about how today’s music is garbage and could be sung by anybody. Remember, nobody captured teen rebellion like Twisted Sister, or sings love songs like Motley Crew, or makes one feel good as Bon Jovi (feel free to plug in any band from your era). In fact, give long sermons on a variety of subjects. Your parent’s did it to you, so you should do it to your teenager (it is called tradition).
12. If you teen and their friends want into a rated R movie, and you agree to take them, make sure you sit with them during the movie. Your presence will stop any nonsense planned by your teenager and their date or friends, and will cause extra discomfort during risqué scenes (they will never ask to go to a rated R movie again).
In closing, this article is meant to be funny, and I hope you enjoyed it; however, like all good humor there is truth wrapped inside the comedy. Sometimes, teenagers, like the rest of us, are not really aware of what they are doing. Humor can be a great way to relate with your teenager (do not be afraid to be corny), and comedy can help the teenager see themselves through your or societies eyes; however, humor or teasing should never be hurtful. Teasing your teenager, from time to time about mumbling, can be a positive thing. Teasing or joking about a teenager’s weight, acne, or lack of a boy or girlfriend can be painful. Remember, we are all doing the best we can in an absurd universe.
Guidebooks for parents
positivesmith on July 31, 2014:
Thank You for the wonderful mumbling advice! I have been looking all over the internet for helping my son to stop mumbling without yelling at him to repeat himself. I even had the "it's disrespectful for the listener to have to have you repeat yourself multiple times to end up being yelled the answer in a nasty tone". This answer is TOTALLY tailored to me because I do have fun with my teens and their friends by being corny already. But I am NOT doing it at all at their expense.
pmorries (author) from Golden, CO on February 24, 2012:
The stop light is the best place to bust a move.
pmorries (author) from Golden, CO on February 24, 2012:
Ananceleste, thank you for your compliment. I hope your daughter will enjoy a future article.
Mardi Winder-Adams from Western Canada and Texas on February 18, 2012:
Too funny and great ideas. I have done singing and dancing in the car at a stop light, guaranteed to have the kids begging to get out of the car!
Anan Celeste from California on February 17, 2012:
This was incredibly funny. Right now five of my daughters friends are here at my home laughing with this as I read it out loud!All but my daughter...