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How NOT to Become Your Mother

Richelle is a nerd of all things healing. Topics she loves are: trauma, healing, narcissism & borderline personality disorder.


If you’re reading this, you’ve already taken the first big step: you know what you don’t want, and most importantly what you do.

When you do decide to become a mother, you may wonder about what type of parent you will be. Especially if your own mother was toxic or abusive. You may worry your mothering skills will be lacking because of your own mother’s mothering.

The good news is, you are aware of your mother’s lack of maternal skill. Awareness is the first step to changing the cycle of toxic mothering.

Exploring how you were Mothered

To do this, it’s up to you to explore how your mother mothered you, and how it impacted you as a child, and now as an adult.

It is important to understand and explore your own childhood, because your parents were a huge part of your childhood. Their behavior, perceptions of the world, and role-modeling all shaped who you are. According to Healing your Emotional Self by Beverley Engel “Psychological health comes from the experience, starting in early infancy, of parental acceptance.”

As a child, your worldview is limited. According to Psychology Today “As a child, you can't fully understand what is happening all around you, but you still take this in; you find ways to cope with things that make you feel afraid, discover ways to get attention.”

If your parents didn’t accept you for who you were, and placed unreasonable expectations or were emotionally neglectful or abusive (or Physically) - you had a traumatic childhood.

Because you traumatized as a child, you are likely easily triggered when past traumatic experiences repeat in adulthood. If your trauma is not healed and released, you will continue to see the world through your childhood perceptions of reality.

More likely than not, your worldview will be limited to either good or bad, or black and white. The ability for there to be a “gray area” is difficult.

Healing and Releasing

Healing and releasing your own childhood trauma is important to becoming a mother who breaks the cycle of emotional abuse, emotional neglect, and trauma.

Luckily, now more then ever there are many resources available for mother’s to mother a new, healthier generation of children.

Below are a few resources I highly recommend:

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2021 Richelle Marie

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