How it all began
As a parent your biggest concern is for the health and welfare of your child. When they are growing you are constantly watching them make mistakes. You try to help them as much as you can, yet you need to let them make some mistakes so they can learn. Sometimes they get in deeper than anyone realizes and it will be up to you to help them out of that pit they have dug for themselves.
Young women who are headstrong can be particularly difficult since you, as a good parent, have encouraged them to have a mind of their own. As they grow into young adults they will continue to push the envelope with you. There are times to stand back and times when you need to step up. This is about one of those times that I had to step up as a parent.
Unbeknownst to me, my 16 year old daughter met a man. She kept him a secret from me, I later learned that it was partially his idea to hide his identity, until her 17th birthday. In our State 16 is the age of legal consent, but 17 makes her an adult.
Normally I am a very attentive Mother, and try to keep aware of my children’s activities. During this time my own Mother was terminally ill, so my attention was very much divided. My daughter was no angel, so she took full advantage of my inattentiveness. When I asked her who she was going with she answered it was a boy from school. What made it easier is that she also had a willing partner in her deception, who was unwilling to meet me.
The man she met was 16 years her senior, he was 32 years old! I discovered this ’affair’ one early morning when a woman called accusing my daughter of being a ’home wrecker’. I was aghast at this accusation. Imagine my surprise to learn my daughter had been seeing this man who was in a relationship and had 2 daughter’s of his own.
Rather than push her away, by demanding she stop seeing him, I decided to see where this was going. For all I knew he was a perfectly decent individual, and the prior relationship was over. My motto has been to watch and learn rather than jump to conclusions.
The beginning of the abuse
Shortly after the relationship came out in the open, my Mother passed away. My daughter took advantage of my grief to move out of my home. Her and her ’new’ boyfriend moved into an available room of the home my older son was living in. I thought at least there was someone to watch over her, should anything happen. ’Anything’ happened quicker than I had imagined.
My son informed me that there was a lot of screaming and yelling between the two of them, he was hoping they would move out soon. My daughter came over shortly after, by herself with a very swollen and bruised elbow. When I questioned her she said “It’s nothing, I fell’. I knew better, just one of those ‘mom’ things.
I began to wonder how this man was making his money, he didn’t have a job. I soon found out just what his ‘job’ was. He was a drug dealer. Just great. Fantastic. Here I had spent all these years trying to teach my daughter that hard work and a good education will get her places in life, and this scum of the earth is showing her otherwise. He was promising her grandeur. A home of her own that he was going to buy for her etc…
She was entering her senior year in high school, my hope was that she’d finish it. He was telling her otherwise, he told her she didn’t need to finish school to get ahead, all she had to do was listen to him, he would guide her through.
The fighting continued, then they moved back into the home that he had shared with the mother of his 2 daughters. How cozy was this? The fighting escalated. She would come home crying, he was telling her that she couldn’t come see me, she’d leave anyway and by the time she got here the phone would start ringing. He was calling to yell at her, calling her names, in general screaming at her on my phone.
The abuse was obvious to us
We kept her cell phone turned on so at least we could reach her if we needed to, and we also made her car payments and kept up the insurance. This was so she always had a way out. She had a job, so I knew she was at least getting away for a short time. The proverbial sh*t hit the fan one day when I called her phone and he answered, telling me that she was at work. I drove by and her car was at his house, yet she was at work. I was not going to pay for a phone that she couldn’t use, nor pay for a car that he wouldn’t let her drive.
I made my decision. I went to my local police department and filed a report against him. They basically told me there was nothing I could do, she had to be the one to file any reports. I then told them of his drug dealings, that not only was he selling it, but growing it as well. I told them all they had to do was drive by and smell it, it permeated the air.
After this man threatened my son and his friend with a gun, my son also filed a report with the State police. Shortly after that my husband also filed a report. Some how, some way we were going to get something done.
My daughter would try to leave him only to have him take her things and refuse to give them to her. One time he claimed to be throwing all of her clothes out the window of his vehicle in a nearby town. If she wanted her things she had to go get them, she went. They met at a local Burger King. The arguments began, he hit her in the mouth. I tried yet again to file a report, to no avail, she had to do it. Then a thought came to me, I called our local child protective agency. Since she was under the age of 18, she was still considered a child to them, and she was living with him. I was able to file a child abuse case against him. When he found out who it was that filed a complaint against him, he began to threaten my life. I tried to get him to hit me, I was a full grown woman, not a teenager, I wanted to show him a thing or two. I could never get him to lift a finger against me, I guess it was easier to pick on a young girl.
Shortly after this there was a raid on the home, he was busted. All of our attempts worked. It was frightening for my daughter, but something needed to be done. I thought for sure she would come home permanently after this. He had some hold over her that she didn’t feel she could tell me about.
Soon I found out that my daughter was pregnant. I was not delighted to say the least, this was not how I wanted my first grandchild to enter the world, with everyone at odds with each other.
At the time of my mother’s birthday, though she had passed, my dad felt that we needed to remember her in our special way. He invited us girls to dinner. Apparently this was not something the ‘boyfriend’ wanted to happen. As she was getting dressed he didn't approve of the clothes she had chosen, he felt she looked like a whore. These were some of the normal terms he used on her. He began to beat her in earnest just prior to me picking her up. He was attempting to cause a miscarriage by kneeing her in the belly. As she was trying to leave he was kicking in the doors of her car to stop her. She tried retaliating by breaking the window out of his car. When I got there, her face and neck were red and bruised from his punching her and trying to choke her. I wanted him to come off the porch, to show me just how much of a man he was. I knew the law, if I went on the porch I would be the one to go to jail. As it turned out, he filed a complaint against my daughter. She filed a complaint against him, nothing ever came of that.
She went back to him yet again. This type of thing was to continue until it seemed that every family member had gotten involved. My youngest son came to her defense the day after Christmas, when 'he' decided early in the morning to pick a fight. He wanted sex and her being pregnant and not feeling well, didn't. It was either rape or run, she chose to run. She was running away from him, and he was trying to run her over with his car. He had seen my son show up and hid nearby, when my son got out of his truck he attacked my son with a 2 by 4. Eventually my son got the better of him and he ‘gave up’. They got their ‘own’ place later that day, after he convinced her that he loved her and just wanted to 'show her a little lovin'.
I was afraid for her, the apartment was on the second floor. I just 'knew' one day he would get so outraged and push her down the stairs. When I told her my fears she just laughed them off, saying "No, he would never do something like that".
The fight that opened her eyes
This was beginning to wear on the members of my family, but we were
determined not to give up on her. She would call crying, we would go
get her. He would yell and threaten us, but he never lifted a hand to
my husband or myself so the police would do nothing.
One day I took my daughter with me to a friends baby shower, it was a girls day out. He didn’t like that, he had been trying to separate us for some time now, but I was determined to be there for her no matter what. I felt it deep in my heart that this wasn’t going to last and someone was going to have to help her find her way out. On the day of the baby shower he started calling her demanding that she return home, within an hour of leaving. He was calling her names and threatening her and anyone within hearing distance.
She felt that this time it was enough, she was going to be done with him. She had to return home to get her dog and a few of her things. She was after all 7 months pregnant by this time. I didn’t feel comfortable about her going alone, I remembered each and every time he got her alone a fight would ensue. When she got there, she discovered that he had been torturing her dog, the pup was about 4 months old and he had her locked in the cage, while he was kicking it. The cage was bent up fairly good, he had gotten angry that she wasn't there and took his anger out at the dog. I had sent my oldest son to follow her. She didn’t know that he was following her, and it was a good thing he did. By the time he showed up, there was a lot of screaming coming from the upstairs, and a rapid decent from my daughter. This monster pushed her down the stairs.
To say that my son is a large man is putting it mildly. He removed the door from it’s hinges with brute strength and used it to push his way into the apartment. The police were called and the monster thought for sure my son was going to jail. He thought wrong. My daughter spent the night in the hospital, he spent the night in jail. After being on the monitor for several hours the Doctors felt that she and the baby were fine.
It takes a while for drug cases to come to court and his day finally arrived. I was going to be there to hear what was said about the drug charges. When I heard that the Judge was might let him off with no more than a slap on the wrist, I dug in my heels and decided that something needed to be done.
I started doing my homework. I did research on him and discovered that he had been in prison years before in another state, yet I listened to him tell the Judge that he had never been in trouble before. He not only had served time for drug charges but also contributing to the delinquency of minors.
I started asking questions of my other daughters. I soon discovered that he had provided most of the friends with not only pot, but also alcohol and cigarettes. I got all of my ducks in a row, and wrote a nice long letter to the Judge, detailing everything I knew about him.
The prosecution also informed us that he was trying to pin all the charges on my daughter, because she was a minor with no criminal record her punishment would be kept to a minimum. I was not going to allow this to happen. I was able to prove to them that he had been doing this for years via photos on myspace.
My letter had an impact on the Judges decision. I was called to court to testify along with several other young people, my daughter included. He had told her that she was to lie on the stand, and tell the Judge that I was crazy and controlling. Apparently somewhere along the line, I had taught my daughter well, she refused to lie. The Judge decided that some jail time would be appropriate, along with 5 years of probation. Finally my daughter would be free of this monster. It took several months of him trying to malign me through letters for her to see what he was doing, but she managed to free herself from him eventually.
His hold on her? Unknown to either of them, it was something that I already knew about, but I was waiting for her to tell me of her own volition. Once it was out in the open and he no longer was able to hold that threat over her head, she was able to break free of his control of her.
My grand child was born and he is a delight, his father never really had an interest in his well being and is not a part of his life. As far as we can tell, this is no great loss.
If you find that one of your children is in a similar situation, don’t give up on them. Be there for them at all costs, eventually it will pay off.
It has been 11 years since all of this occurred - my grandson is happy and healthy. His sperm donor is not in his life. His paternal grandmother was involved for a couple of years, visiting when she could, usually once a year. When her photos were open and viewable on her facebook, my daughter put a halt to the visitations. He does not pay child support and is on disability.
Sweetsusieg (author) from Michigan on November 06, 2016:
Don't you just hate the fear?!! The fear associated with anything you might say or do that upsets them (mainly him)? I understand completely! I feel for you, I really do.
Perfect - keep the money away from her because she will just give it to him. He will demand it, even if she has the best intentions of keeping it for herself he will get it from her.
If you can find the strength - keep being there for her. It's hard I know. Don't call before visiting, just pop in, offer to take her to lunch or just do 'girl things'. Take her shopping, no one says you have to buy her anything. Just see if you can get her out of the house away from him so she can breathe again - even for a little while. Help remind her what it was like before she got under his control.
I'm not sure if he's gotten verbally abusive to you yet - he may try. Don't get angry with her if he does. That is what he wants - to separate the two of you.
Find pamphlets and sneak them to her. Have her read them in your presence then keep them - don't leave them for him to find - that could be really bad.
It's hard to understand how she can put up with it... but we aren't in her shoes. It didn't happen overnight for her, this was a lot of work that went into the breaking down of her spirit. She knows it's wrong, but she has also probably been told by him that she'll never get another man to love her the way he does.. blah, blah, blah all that nonsense abusers tell their abused.
Just stick by her and be ready to pick up the pieces.
Blessings to you and your daughter
Kate on November 06, 2016:
I am going through something samiliar with my daughter, she denies she's being physically abused but I know this is not true, she's been with him for a year, she's always feeling depressed and cries daily, she knows he does nothing for her but sticks by him, I feel she is scared and he is threatening her.
Until recently I was constantly giving her money as she was saying she was hungry.. now I say come and eat if your hungry as I know the money was going to him for drugs, a few weeks ago she told him how I felt about him, I haven't seen her for a while, I know this is his doing, it's a long story, I went to visit her the other day as she text me she thought she was having a break down and didn't want to face the world, they didn't open the door.. she text me go away amoungst a lot more.. we were so close, it's breaking my heart, I can't sleep at night.. I really don't know what to do.. everyone can not believe she is putting up with him and living the way she is, I can't write too much on here for safety reasons..
Rum Tan from Singapore on June 13, 2016:
Wish your daughter the best. The man should stay in prison and a long time and hopefully doesnt come back to disturb your life!
Sweetsusieg (author) from Michigan on January 24, 2016:
Oh bless your heart... It is one of the hardest things we as parents have to go through, watching our children make bad decisions and being abused. I hope for her sake and your sake she can stay away from him. But at the end of the day we have to remember it is her life... she has to make choices and decisions and has to live with them. Keeping her informed is always a good thing, giving her pamphlets is helpful as well. Taking her places where she can see and talk to people who have been in her shoes might also help. Maybe helping her touch base with old school friends might help.
I wish you and your daughter the best, Prayers to you both and your unborn grand child.
Kim Moore on January 22, 2016:
I am going through almost exactly the same situation with my daughter. I have tried over the last several weeks to get her boyfriend arrested. He has been abusing her for about 2 years now and recently started using more drugs. I always am there to help my daughter begging her not to return. And as your story, my daughter is now pregnant and wants her family to be together. I begged her not to even tell him she was pregnant because the baby would be better off without him. She told him, moved back in and the abuse started again. And today, she called me, trying to stay strong....i heard himin the background yelling at her, calling her names, threatening her. I told her to just leave. Get her stuff and leave. She then tells me he wont give her her things. I told her to call the cops, as I did many times before and she never did. And as you did, I paid her phone, insurance and car just to make sure she had a way out. Well, with her phone being on my plan, I get notified when somebody on my plan dials 911. So, I call the Sheriff's office to check. Yes, she dialed 911 and still had her on the phone with 5 deputies on the way. This evening him and his friend are in jail and she finally signed a protection order. I hope and pray this is the end of this nightmare.
Sweetsusieg (author) from Michigan on May 19, 2015:
That is very common - for those who are abused to do that. They continually make excuses to those around them (those that are left) as to why so n so does this or that. A lot of the time they shoulder the blame themselves 'It's my fault he does this or that' or 'I Shouldn't have done this or that to provoke him'.
The abuse doesn't happen overnight and the end may not happen over night either. Getting her information is a big part of it. Find a story or article with a very similar (to her) experience for her to read. Abuse is a mind game, a power trip for the abuser. They want control and when they get it they don't want that either.
If you read up ^^^^ in the comments you may find some ideas to help in your quest to help. More than anything, just be there for her - because when she falls - she's going to need someone to help her up and lean on.
Nancy on May 18, 2015:
So what do you do when she doesn't realize it and makes excuses for his actions?
Sweetsusieg (author) from Michigan on February 03, 2014:
I wish I had a magic answer for you, alas I do not. There is a reason she is choosing a destructive relationship, something inside her. If you can get her to seek help, that may help her 'find herself'. Giving her pamphlets on abuse is also something you can do, to help her realize she is perfect just the way she is.
Samantha Cooper on February 03, 2014:
MY heart skipped a beat when I saw you responded to me. I love your advice to get her things, simple things that I know she loves, such as homemade cookies. My picture on facebook is the same as the picture here I have on hub pages, but I may have some kind of block I will check and unblock it. Thank you for being so considerate.I know you know what I'm going through, as you have seen there's nothing we can do to protect our child in a case like this and I really would like to make a change somehow to stop this epidemic.
Sweetsusieg (author) from Michigan on February 02, 2014:
Persistence is the key. Make sure you are there each and every time she calls for help and never let up. Do your very best (once you have made your point) not to disparage him in front of her. She has to be the one to see what a scum bag he is, you cannot force her to open her eyes.
Do little things for her that you know she appreciates. One of the small things that made a HUGE difference to my daughter was so simple. She loved tomato soup, she was raised on Campbell's but he insisted on buying the store brand kind (yes, there is a difference!!). Because she preferred Campbell's he called her a spoiled brat - so I would pick up a can or two when I went to the store and give it to her when I saw her. For Christmas I bought her a case. You see, the simple things that she liked and he refused to get her showed her how selfish he really was.
Talk to her, keep an open line of communication. If she calls to cry, let her cry and be her shoulder. Be there for her, eventually she will come back to you and hopefully will not be worse for wear.
I looked for you on facebook but couldn't find you.
Samantha Cooper on February 02, 2014:
My daughter is going through this exact thing right now:( I did as you did, and she's doing as your daughter did, I wish I could talk to you both, please friend request me in fb, I have pink furniture in the background on my picture. Do you have afb page, do you know anything new about what I can do to stop him?
Sweetsusieg (author) from Michigan on January 14, 2014:
I guess the best answer to that is keep your morals and values high, make sure your child seees them and sees that you keep to your standards. Don't be a 'do as I say, not as I do' parent. There are always going to be predators out there, it's up to us to help keep our child's eyes open, by our actions. Pay close attention to them and their friends. Keep an open line of communication but remember you are the parent - not a best friend... That will come when they become an adult.
nicole heath on January 14, 2014:
I was reading this I want to Sat thank you for sharing your story. I have a friend in the Same situation only her daughter isn't pregnant yet and we hope everyday she will see he doesn't loveher. Love doesn't hurt abuse etc. I want to help her. I was in an abusive realationship when I was younger and I finally got out. As a parent how can we help?
Sweetsusieg (author) from Michigan on February 13, 2011:
It was quite amazing that he refused to touch me. Honestly, I probably would have let him hit me several times. To at least have gotten a black eye out of it. I have a 6'3" father, a 6'0" brother, a 6'11/2" husband, my eldest son is 6'2", and my youngest son 5'9" (he's the ex-football player), not to mention all of their friends. This may have been in the back of his mind.
Anymore if you want anything done and make accusations, you'd better have something to back it up. The System is all about turn over. Bring them in, plea bargain, file charges and pay fines. It's all about the 'wins' for the Prosecution a plea bargain is considered a 'win'.
The Judge told him "If I were in this woman's shoes (and be glad I am not) you would have never seen the inside of a court room." He gave him 1 year jail time to run concurrent with 5 years probation. A possibility of up to $1,000,000 in fines should he mess up. His 5 years are not up yet, he has messed up several times and has went back to jail on numerous occasions.
Apparently when you go to prison, if it's in another State they don't check up on you.
Thank you! It was hard, and I'm just very glad that it's over.
graceomalley on February 13, 2011:
Very interesting he could beat her so brutally, yet couldn't even handle an adult woman (yourself).
I understand that our history as a nation has resulted in legislation protecting "criminals rights," but I am saddened and concerned that laws offer so much protection to career criminals like this man. Why were you, a citizen, having to do homework on this person's past? Law enforcement wasn't doing the job obviously.
You did a marvalous job in a very tough situation.
Sweetsusieg (author) from Michigan on January 27, 2011:
My boys wanted to, at the time she continued to defend him. Oh boy did they want to!! He is very insecure with himself, and so twisted to think he could attempt to get her to turn her back on her family.
Thank you for stopping by and commenting!
chipesterkhan from http://www.freemagasin.com on January 27, 2011:
i have an older sister... and if she ever got into this type of situation i think i'd be the one to go to prison...
because i'd rip the guy's throat out and enjoy every second of it.
you portrayed a picture of a very sick and twisted insecure man in this post.
i would have voted awesome, but it wasn't... this post was useful as a warning to girls never to let their men abuse them.
a simple seemingly harmless shove could escalate to a brutal beating if left unchecked.
Sweetsusieg (author) from Michigan on November 04, 2010:
Christy it was very hard for a long time. I fought tooth and nail for her, and was rewarded in the end with a daughter to learned how to deal with such things.
Thank you for telling me that I handled it well, there were times that I wasn't sure if what I was doing was right.
Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
Christy Zutautas on November 04, 2010:
Wow, what a difficult and scary situation to have to go through. You handled it very well though and thankfully things turned out alright in the end:)
Sweetsusieg (author) from Michigan on July 29, 2010:
Thank you for your kind words. And yes I have gotten much stronger over the years, my daughters keep asking me 'how'?
Hummingbird5356 on July 29, 2010:
I am glad it worked out in the end. Love can give you the strength to do anything. You are one of the best mothers. Your daughter is lucky to have you.
Sweetsusieg (author) from Michigan on July 24, 2010:
Thank you all for your kind words. I have tried very hard to be a good mother, to not be intrusive, but be there when I am needed.
ahorseback on July 24, 2010:
I find that 'men' like this guy abound in America, sadly alot of women feel the 'need' to fix or whatever this kind of guy, A sad story still , I wish your daughter power and peace in her life. And you serenity, in your obvious mothering skills. Stay well.......
blark from Minneapolis, Minnesota on July 22, 2010:
Good for you! It sounds like you've done an excellent job parenting. It is nice to see more parents caring fully for and protecting their children.
trish1048 on July 21, 2010:
A very sad story, but I'm glad it worked out. Pedophiles like him should be put away for life with no parole.
Being a parent is never easy. There is no stronger urge than to protect our children. I have a granddaughter who is 9 and the thought of her teen years almost around the corner is more than a bit scary in this day and age. What is very sad is that so many children have noone to protect them and they fall through the cracks.
Thank you for putting this story out here as I'm sure it will help many people who are experiencing the same thing.