Oh Dear God Has He Got Any Brains?
You know the saying, 'Stupid is as stupid does'? Well that was my life with Jake the failed fingersmith. If you have no idea what on earth I am talking about, it's all written down in the hub entitled Gypsies but Sometimes Thieves.
The link is below. Long story cut short, Jake, my husband thought he was a great and masterful thief, when really he was just completely useless! But of course it doesn't stop there. That was just one of his great escapades. One fine day, as the saying goes, we were sitting outside our Caravan. Jake was doing what he does best, not a lot. He fiddles with something to make it work better, but just breaks it instead. And I was tackling the mangle, trying to get the sheets that I had just washed, as water free as possible.
'I got an' idea' He says
I moan. I know what's coming. Well I have a good idea. It's one day away from Halloween, and the Gypsies liked to play tricks on each other. Just like us Gorgies, but there was one difference. It usually involved money, or belongings. They would set up a test, and whichever one of them won, they would be given a few quid or an old banger (car) of their choice. But it's got to be a good idea. The plan was, you had to do something, or say something that the other's didn't know was a Joke or actually you. For example, phone them and say that they had won some money. Or, more likely, tell them over the phone, that someone had stolen their car and they had better come quick! I think you get the point. And, unfortunately, so did I.
'Oh yeah, what's that then?' I peer at him over the mangle. Wait for it. After last year I was dreading it. He decided to remove a wheel from one of the cars in the middle of the night. He forgot about the dogs. Ten If I remember. Never again.
So I stared at him, waiting for the light to come on in his brain. It didn't happen very often and when it did, you could hear a sort of grinding, like gears starting up after a long time.
A grin appeared on his face. 'You know that old Indian costume that my uncle Alby gave me after his cousins wedding? I am going to put that on and give Chris a scare, it'll frighten the life out of him, when I knock on his door'.
I think. In fact I think for quite some time. What could possibly go wrong with that? Now for anyone who doesn't know, my husband's ancestors came from India. In fact if you didn't know any different, you would think he was Indian or Arabic. I found that out when he nearly got married off in Morocco by mistake, but that's another story!
Not Quite, But Near Enough!
'Okay, that's sounds quite good, so what's the plan?' I ask.
'Well, Chris said the other day that because he got behind in his rent for the caravan, he was scared that they would send someone round'. He grinned. Right. I thought. No danger there then! But knowing Chris, he will take it as a joke and realise that it was Jake messing about. So finishing of the mangling, I said, 'Right, well get indoors and we will find the costume out and put some finishing touches to it'.
Happy days. This was going to be fun, just seeing his face when he opened the door. What could possibly go wrong?
The next night, there was a full moon, and after waiting until everyone had settled in their caravans, Jake disappeared in the bedroom to get changed. I waited in trepidation. 'What the hell is he going to look like?' I thought. I presumed in my innocence that he would just come out wearing the traditional dress of an Indian, and maybe wear something around his head. Oh no. Not that simple!
The door opened and Prince Jake emerged! 'What do you think?' he grinned. All I could see was his eyes and teeth, gleaming at me in the small light coming from the gas lamp. 'What the hell?' I started.
There, stood in front of me was a full on Indian Prince with a Turban and jewelery, wearing a full length old fashioned blue robe. 'Wow' I said. 'He is never going to know it's you'.
'I know, great isn't it?' He started for the door. 'Stay here, or else he will know it's me'. He walked down the steps of the caravan and headed of into the night.
I was left peering out of the window. It was darker now, and the moon was covered in clouds. I couldn't see a thing. Then a light came on, and I saw Chris open the door. I couldn't hear anything, but all of a sudden I saw Chris waving his arms around madly, and Jake walking backwards away from the caravan. As they got nearer, I heard Chris yell 'And get away from my caravan you stinking money grabbing b..............! Next second I saw his fist come up, and with one almighty punch, Jake took of and sailed through the air! 'Oh my God' I yelled, and ran for the door. By the time I got to the caravan, Jake's nose was pouring blood and Chris was about to hit him again! 'CHRIS! STOP, IT'S JAKE! FOR GOODNESS SAKE!
He stopped. Then peered at Jake. Getting closer, he leaned down and with a look of sheer disbelief, started laughing! HA HA HAAAAAAAAA! YOU BLOODY PLONKER! The last thing I saw, totally embeded on my mind forever, was Jake sitting on the grass, his hands covered in blood where he was holding his nose, and a look of complete startlement on his face. Suddenly a little voice emerged from Jake. 'Does this mean I won then?' Chris, turned and with a last laugh, said, 'No you idiot, Halloweens tomorrow night!
So, that's a no then!
Ho Hum. Useless is As Useless Does!
A few days later, and one very swollen nose to prove his stupidity, Jake decided to make amends and go and see Chris. Fine I thought, get him out from under my feet. Cleaning up the van only took a few minutes, so I decided to go and join them at Chris's caravan. Opening the door, I realised that they were both walking up the path. 'What are you doing?' I asked.
'Ah we just came back to mend the boiler', said Jake. I looked at Chris. 'Alright?' I said, warily holding the door open for them. 'Yeah, fine thanks' He said, smirking, and pulling a face. 'You didn't have to hit him that hard you know', I glared. He just smiled. 'I did'! and then pushed past me. Grrrr! I could have hit him! So I decided to go and see Meg, his wife, and have a cuppa. Knocking on the door, I yelled, 'Doors open, can I come in?' She peered around the corner of the door, 'Yep, but no Indians!' Ha Bloody Ha!
We enjoyed a good natter and a lovely cup of char. (tea). The kid's played happily on the floor, and I thought, 'well, this is better, a bit more civilised'. I should have kept my mouth shut. Two minutes later, there was a banging on the door.
'Who's that?' Yelled Meg.
'Me' said Jake. 'Have you got a hammer?' What now, I thought.
'It's in the shed, what's up?' Meg got up.
'It's a bloody great rat, it's got in my caravan, and we can't catch it'. Jake rushed in, rushed out and straight back over to my caravan.
'Oh, great, now we got to catch a rat!' I mumbled and moaned, and headed out the door. 'Coming?' I said to Meg. 'OOh, wouldn't miss this for the world!' She laughed.
Rabbit Stew And A Penny Or Two. Maggie Smith-Bendell
Rat my Ass!
I will never forget it. As long as I live and breath. I can see it now, in full technicolour. And believe me when I say, I will never let them forget it either! Meg and I walked over to the van. 'Where are you?' I yelled around the door. 'In here', Came Jakes muffled voice. 'They're in the bedroom' I said, 'Great, now the rat's going to get in my bed' .
'Won't be the first time I had a rat in my bed!' Meg giggled.
I started to laugh, and by the time we got to the bedroom we were in hysterics! But that was nothing compared to the scene that was there before us.
Two grown Gypsy men, hard as nails that would eat you for breakfast if as much as you looked at them the wrong way, where standing on the bed, my bed, I hasten to add, holding onto each other! And all we could hear was, 'where is it? where is it gone?' 'You go get it!' 'No, you go and get it, it's your van!'
Meg and I just stared. Before we had a chance to say, 'You bloody cowards!' A movement caught my eye. In the middle of the floor, was the cutest little bundle imaginable! It was a field mouse. With big eyes, and little paws. It was shivering. Scared out of it's wits, because two hulking great men kept screaming at it! I bent down and scooped it up. 'Come along little fella, I won't let them nasty men get you'. Holding to my chest, I turned away with Meg and walked out the door.
We never spoke as we let the mouse go. We watched it scurry away, and then she turned to me and said, 'I think we need a drink, shall we go to the pub and let them babysit?, you never know, we might find ourselves some real men!'
Another Gypsy myth expelled!
copyright M. Loveridge (Nell Rose)
Fascinating Stories About The Gypsy Way of Life
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Nell Rose (author) from England on February 09, 2012:
Hi, mljd, lol! if you saw it, you would never believe it1 haha! poor little thing, I love mice so it didn't bother me, I used to have pet mice, loads of them, and they used to sit on my lap! thanks again, nell
mljdgulley354 on February 08, 2012:
Nell that had to be too much fun. I too can see those two men on the bed and that little mouse just sitting on the floor shivering. You are braver than I am picking up that little critter.
Nell Rose (author) from England on February 06, 2011:
Hi, penny, you should have been there! ha ha it was unbelievable! thanks again, nell
pennyofheaven from New Zealand on February 06, 2011:
Haha the images of two grown men on the bed was just too too funny. Awww and the cute little field mouse made it even funny. Excellent read!
Nell Rose (author) from England on November 06, 2010:
Hi, BJBenson, thanks so much, I can still see them now, jumping in the air like two scared rabbits! ha ha thanks again nell
Hi, mysteryLady, I wish it had been a rat, that would have been hilarious! hee hee thanks so much nell
mysterylady 89 from Florida on November 06, 2010:
Nell, this was fun to read, especially the ending when you rescue the poor little mouse. A rat indeed - lol!
BJBenson from USA on November 05, 2010:
This was a story to tell. I am so glad you did! I can just see them on your bed.
Nell Rose (author) from England on November 03, 2010:
Hi, Deborah, thanks for stopping by, and I am glad you liked it! cheers nell
Deborah Demander from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on November 03, 2010:
Thanks for a great read.
Nell Rose (author) from England on November 02, 2010:
Hi, prasetio, I hope you have a great day, thanks for reading, I really appreciate it, and thank you for the rate, cheers nell
prasetio30 from malang-indonesia on November 02, 2010:
Good morning, Nell. How are you today? I hope you always fine and healthy....amen. You fill my morning with funny things from your hub. I really love this hub and I enjoy to read. Because I have to prepare for my student, I'll continue to read tonight. Thank you very much. You always my favorite. Rating Up as usual.
Blessing and hugs,
Nell Rose (author) from England on November 02, 2010:
Hi, James, what a lovely compliment, thank you! I just go back in my mind and see it so clearly! I mean, how could I ever forget that?!! ha ha I am glad you enjoyed it, thanks nell
James A Watkins from Chicago on November 02, 2010:
You are the best storyteller on HubPages. I so enjoy your writing. This fine tale is excellent and entertaining. Thank you for this pleasure, this treasure. :D
Nell Rose (author) from England on October 28, 2010:
Hi, pmccray, lol thanks so much! it was funny at the time too! I can still see it so clearly, I am so pleased you found it funny, thanks nell
Hi, Petra, exactly! ha ha they hide behind this macho image and then it falls to pieces at the smallest thing! thanks as always nell
hi, Tatjana, thanks for reading it, I am glad you liked it, cheers nell
Tatjana-Mihaela from Zadar, CROATIA on October 26, 2010:
Beautiful, colourful and so funny, I liked it sooo much !(must check your others Hubs that I missed).
Thank you Nell...
Petra Vlah from Los Angeles on October 26, 2010:
Just loved it, Nell. Great fun and very enertaining. The real face of men - all talk and scared of a mouse
pmccray on October 26, 2010:
Laughter is the closest thing to the grace of God - -Karl Barth
LOL LOL I could not stop laughing. The vision of this hub in my minds eye had me rolling with laughter. I really enjoy reading your pieces. You're a truly amazing writer. Voted up, marked funny, awesome and shared the laughter!!!
Nell Rose (author) from England on October 26, 2010:
Hi, carolina, ha ha glad you liked it, thanks nell
Hi, Micky, I am sure they were bigger than this poor little field mouse! hee hee thanks as always, and thanks for the 110! nell
Micky Dee on October 26, 2010:
You're a funny girl Nell Rose! I've had some varmints in my shelters a time or ten! Thank you Dear!
Congrats on a "100"! I would give you 110 at least! God bless Nell!
carolina muscle from Charlotte, North Carolina on October 25, 2010:
Yow!! Funny post, Nell Rose!!!
Nell Rose (author) from England on October 25, 2010:
Hi, AC, it was mad at the time! lol I was brought up in a normal household, I wasn't expecting all this madness! ha ha thanks so much nell
Hi, Hello, ha ha glad it made you laugh, and thanks for always leaving a great comment, cheers nell
Hi, WT, that's great! ha ha a mouse that thinks it's a gecko! I remember going to Greece and seeing loads of Geckos, I thought they were so cute! thanks for reading it, cheers nell
Hi, Wayne, trust me I know! ha ha but this was funny! by the time we got to the caravan they really believed it was a rat! talk about panic, cowards! hee hee
Wayne Brown from Texas on October 25, 2010:
That's the way we big brave men are...and, we don't think out the consequences too long before we execute the action! LOL! Thanks for sharing! WB
World-Traveler from USA on October 25, 2010:
Great story! I was laughing as well:-)) By the way, I found a small mouse in my room last week. Now I have several geckos (they eat the mosquitos) and a mouse that squeaks in response to the geckos' tweats!
Hello, hello, from London, UK on October 25, 2010:
Oh, enjoyed reading this hub. You made laugh. You described so well I felt I was there. Thank you, Nell. You are a super writer.
ACSutliff on October 24, 2010:
I can't believe Chris beat Jake up like that! That's crazy! That rat in the bed was just priceless! You sure do have some interesting stories to tell, and you tell them so well!
Nell Rose (author) from England on October 24, 2010:
Hi, Polly, glad you liked it! if it made you laugh then it was worth the write! ha ha thanks as always nell
Hi, Sa'ge, I will be back shortly to continue the witch in the hill bit! ha ha and yes I think the magic word is laugh! hee hee thanks nell
Hi, Martie, ha ha I am glad you liked it, I saw it as plain as day as I was writing it, it is not one of those things you forget very easily! lol thanks nell
Martie Coetser from South Africa on October 24, 2010:
Oh my word, this was a great read. LMAO! Nell, you are so talented. It was like watching a movie. Thank you so much for entertaining us in your unique, most admirable style.
Sa`ge from Barefoot Island on October 23, 2010:
Nell Dear, that magic work you looking for? might help if you go to kingdom land and scroll up to that outrageous laugh of the Guardian. that long drawn out laugh could it be that word? hehehe. check it out, fun fun! hehe :D hugs :D
Pollyannalana from US on October 23, 2010:
Great read, just what I have been needing!
Nell Rose (author) from England on October 23, 2010:
Hi, gr82bme, I am glad it made you laugh and brightened the day, I couldn't stop laughing when I read it back, it brought back so many memories! ha ha thanks as always nell
Hi, Audrey, only I could marry someone so complex! ha ha mad as a hatter, and a coward too! hee hee thanks again as always, nell
Audrey Kirchner from Washington on October 23, 2010:
Oh God Nell - too hilarious! Scared of a wee bit of a mouse they were? Imagine what he thought with them all dressed up like lunatics to boot?
You tell the stories well and how HILARIOUS!
gr82bme from USA on October 23, 2010:
Hi Nell, so happy I decided to come over for a visit. This story was so funny!. You made a gloomy day bright
Nell Rose (author) from England on October 23, 2010:
Hi, zzron, glad you found it entertaining, thanks for stopping by, cheers nell
Hi, Freya, ha ha I can still see it now! what a nightmare! two grown men and a hammer, stalking a poor little field mouse! cowards! hee hee thanks as always nell
Hi, Sa'ge, ha ha now you've set me off now! ha ha it was funny at the time! I wish I had a camera to capture the moment for ever! I am glad you liked it, thanks as always nell
Hi, D.A.L., thanks so much, I think it is because you can 'see' it still in your mind when you write it, it makes it much more personal, than writing other things! not sure what was worse, the indian prince or the poor little mouse! hee hee cheers nell
Hi, christopher, ha ha I am so pleased you liked it, I still giggle now when I think about it! cheers nell
Christopher Antony Meade from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom on October 23, 2010:
Thanks for making me laugh so early on a Saturday morning Nell. You really are multi talented. The poor little mouse.
Dave from Lancashire north west England on October 23, 2010:
Nell absolutely brilliant. This is among your best. Your sense of humour in twined with your story is a talent. thanks for this.
Sa`ge from Barefoot Island on October 23, 2010:
You had me laughing so much my cheeks hurt. I am still laughing. I started laughing before you got to seeing them on your bed, reading your last hub on such matters
with Gypsy life I could not help it. heheh. thanks for another great take on Gypsy myths and life. god, I can not stop laughing . I think I broke your tabs! hehehe.
Freya Cesare from Borneo Island, Indonesia on October 22, 2010:
Gyahahaha! I was, when you described about two man stood on your bed, starting to laugh and still not able to stop now. Duh, Nell! You are awesome!
Anyway, Jake never once, failed to caused drama,didn't him? Keep them coming, Nell, and I will keep reading! Big hug for you!
Awesome and vote up!
zzron from Houston, TX. on October 22, 2010:
Absolutely wonderful, very entertaining.