Grace loves to write commentaries on psycho-cultural and sociocultural dynamics in their myriad forms.
DISRESPECTFUL, UNLOVING PARENTS-DISRESPECTFUL, UNLOVING CHILDREN
RESPECTFUL, LOVING PARENTS-RESPECTFUL, LOVING CHILDREN
If PARENTS Want Respect and Love, They HAVE to Give It to Their Children
Many parents vehemently believe that they can treat their children as lesser and/or subordinate entities. According to their reasoning, the latter are just mere children while they are the adults of the house thus what they say and/or do goes. They staunchly contend that as parents, they have the right to treat their children in any fashion they please. After all, they strongly assert that this is their parental right and prerogative. They furthermore proclaim that their children are to obey and respect them regardless.
There are parents who treat their children in ways that would be classified as mildly, even moderately abusive. They see it as quite de rigueur to call their children's names and to use mild bullying tactics to get the latter to comply to their directives. Many parents view methods such as belittlement of the child as regular parental procedures.
These parents feel that they do not have to respect and honor their children as it is totally unnecessary. They insist that their children are not individual beings but their appendages to mold and bend to their specific will. The idea of a child being an individual with his/her own thoughts, desires, and/or feelings is a total anathema to such parents.
While they treat their children in any which way, they are the ones who strongly and loudly proclaim that their children are to love and respect them. They become highly incensed when their children exhibit the same attitude as they do. They consider such behavior insolence while it is okay when they act that way. Their philosophy is that their child had better do as they say, not as they do.
These parents treat their children in less than humane ways, yet they are profoundly quizzical as to why their children detest, even hate them. Furthermore, their children barely tolerate them at best. Their children grudgingly respect them. There is definitely no love lost between them and their children. They are totally aghast and nonplussed at the fact that their children are cold and distant or worse towards them. They look at other parents who have loving parent-child relationships, wondering to themselves what went wrong.
These parents do not or care to realize that the less than respectful treatment accorded to their children backfired on them. They contended that their children would love and respect them regardless of the less than positive parental treatment. However, children are human beings with feelings. No self-respecting child is going to abide with disrespectful treatment without reciprocating in kind either physically, emotionally, mentally, and/or psychologically. There are instances of children who retaliated against their children as a result of the dismissive and disrespectful treatment they received at the hand of their parents.
Many parents, especially in their later years, are alone as their children refuse to come near them as a result of being treated disrespectfully during their formative years. Many of such parents wish for their children; however, it was they who initiated the ill treatment which resulted in their children becoming totally alienated from them. They want their children around them but the latter refuse to have anything whatsoever to do with them. Their children have emotionally, mentally, and psychologically sever ties with them forever. Some such parents become totally depressed and dejected that their children do not love or want to be near/with them; however, they sowed the seeds of such.
There is a saying that children respond to parents and the outer environment the way they were treated in the parental home. Many parents refuse to admit that they can treated their children less than humanely yet they expect their children to afford them the utmost of love and respect. They are incognizant of the fact that in order for their children to love and respect them, they first have to love and treat their children with respect.
Children tend to love and respect parents who treat them thus. Parents who love and respect their children treat their children as individuals with their own feelings and desires. They do not try to overrule nor to override their children's feelings, desires, and/or opinions because they are children. To such parents, their children have validity as human beings. They contend to believe less is totally monstrous behavior on their part.
Respectful and loving parents would never belittle or otherwise emotionally or psychologically abuse their children. They view such behavior as analogous to soul murder. They contend that although children are full entities, they are still developing human beings. These parents contend that developing human beings are bound to make some mistakes along the way, after all they are children and that is par for the course. They see such mistakes as natural and not a cause of alarm. They loving discuss the matter at hand and encourage them to try again.
Respectful and loving parents do not believe in discounting their children for whatever reason. They strongly maintain that whatever their children have to say or do, no matter how minor, is significant enough for them to pay attention to. They believe that their children are important enough for them to give the latter their time. They practice and teach the art of consideration to their children.
Respectful and loving parents are mature parents who do not believe in acting irrationally towards their children. They believe that the best parenting is rational and logically based. They also understand the value of empathy in the parenting process. When they enforce rules, they take into account their children's respective emotional, mental, and/or psychological make up and act accordingly. They are not the type of parents who arbitrarily apply rules at a whim or because they are the parent.
Parents who want their children to love and respect them believe that the family is a democratic entity with children participating when it become age appropriate. Even when the child is not cognizant to participate in the familial process, his/her feelings are never overlooked but are considered just as valuable as theirs. They talk TO, not AT their children. They strongly assert that when children are involved in family conversations and treated as thinking people, instead of mere children, more can be accomplished. They are not of the school that they, as the parent, are the elect while their children are non-persons or close.
Loving and respectful parents see their children for who they really are, not some idealized version. They encourage and nurture their children's individuality, even though at times there may be some disagreement. However, such parents do not see differences as disagreement, they view as part of their children establishing their own unique autonomy as people. They feel that the typical parents emphasis on family congruity is harmful and/or stifling to the blossoming individuality of children. To them, no one is alike, even children. To maintain that everyone in the family should be the same in their eyes is totally ludicrous and asinine.
These parents view their children as an integral part of their lives. Their children are life forces to them. They enjoy and want to be with their children. They try to include their children in as much their lives as possible. They do not see their children as barely tolerable obligations for their convenience. Children to them are well, wondrous works and manifestations of creation which should be treated and accorded the most integrous treatment.
Such parents love and respect their children in good and bad times. To them, unconditional love is a reality. The talk the talk and do the walk as far as this is concern. They believe that all of us make mistakes; however, that does not make the child lesser. They see the mistake as well an occurrence, not a major catastrophe. If the mistake is a major one, they will do all they can to assist and help their child heal emotionally, mentally, and/or psychologically. They would never use emotional, mental, and/or psychological condemnation to a child because a mistake was made. To them, their child is their child regardless.
Loving and respectful parents are also approachable and nonjudgmental. Their children know that they can go to them with anything as there will be a logical discussion of the matter, instead of out and out condemnation. They also not threatened by the fact that their children will no longer need them as much when they become older and more independent. In fact, they view this as an evolution in their respective parent-child relationship. They do not try to psychologically infantilize their burgeoning young adult child. They realize that their parental role must progress to that of friend and/or confidante when needed.
It is natural that children will love and respect such parents. No, not because it was a parental directive but because it was shown by parental example and treatment. Children with respectful, loving parents truly care for and love their parents. They enjoy and want their parents in their lives. Besides that, as they become older, their parents are more their friends than parents. These are the children who sacrifice and willingly do things for their parents. They are not loathe to include their parents in their adult lives or even care for the latter when they are unable to care for themselves. Parents who treat their children respectfully and with lovingkindness in their formative years are amply rewarded with children who gladly reciprocate, especially when the former reaching their advanced years.
In conclusion, children oftentimes treat parents the way they were treated. Many parents who treat their children in less than respectful ways are oftentimes quite puzzled when the latter reciprocate in kind. They unknowingly have sown the seeds for such disrespectful treatment. Many of these parents often wonder why their children detest, even hate them. Some of these parents as they reach their advanced years, wonder why they are alone as their children have disowned them as a result of the quasi-abusive treatment the latter received as children.
Parents who love and respect their children tend to have children who love and respect them in return. These children learned the value of lovingkindness towards their parents from how kindly they were treated. They actually want to be around their parents, their love and respect increasing and evolving in their lives. These are the children who will be with their parents throughout, even in the latter's old ages when the fruits of parental lovingkindness will be ultimately demonstrated. Yes, one does sows what he/she reaps. The way parents treat their children for either good or ill will be justly compensated in kind.
© 2013 Grace Marguerite Williams
Random on July 02, 2017:
I'm a 13 year old female and both my mother and father seem to treat me like Crap.
Even tho i treat them both like King's and Queen's.
Lisa on June 14, 2017:
This post makes total sense! However, this is not a question of how educated a parent might me. My host mom for example is a well-educated woman who likes to read. Yet she is very controlling. She also has a very sarcastic tone. Always when I suggested new ideas to 'improve' a situation she rejected it because I was obviously younger than her and had no 'authority'. Last time she yelled at me for being late and never on time. (My class ended at 8:30pm and she told me to be out by that time). I told her in return that she could just text me to let me know and I would come out immediatelly; she could also leave the house 10min later so she wouldnt have to wait. I told her the reasons why I usually stay longer: to talk to my coaches. She refused all my suggestions without TRYING to understand my point. I looked at her face: she was looking for a way to counter my argument! She literally told me: NO! I am NOT negotiating with you. You can negotiate with your parents but not with me. I am the grown up and you need to do what I tell you to. I just rolled my eyes. I think the reason why she got so defensive is because she felt threatened by me. Different than her, I said my opinion to my parents (which is her at the time) and she felt an instant impulse to put me down to my place... because she was treated the same way by her parents. Well... I try to undertand her... but talking to such a person just gives me headaches...so the better option is to avoid them as much as possible!
peachy from Home Sweet Home on May 26, 2015:
i agree with you totally, parents often mistaken that what they had did to their kids, they often think that their kids not mistreat them when they are old. Totally wrong concept
Grace Marguerite Williams (author) from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York on May 25, 2015:
Paula, thank you so much for stopping by and you're quite eloquent response.
Suzie from Carson City on May 25, 2015:
Amazingly powerful stuff, Grace Marguerite! Oh yes. How brilliantly said, how carefully explained. Not a single word to disagree with nor set aside.
It's all so real and vital. This should be required reading for every single young couple intending to bring tiny "people" into the world.!! UP++++shared, tweeted & pinned.
bonnielogic on March 13, 2014:
I am that parent. I hit the lottery when it comes to my sons. All 3 have developed into amazingly loving, considerate and responsible young men. I was.not a verbally abusive or feel I was physically harmful. Inaware of the psychological
renae on December 15, 2013:
Sometimes your a good mother or father and the child loves you but you take a back seat when when they marry and their spouse sees their side of family is more important. Sad
sunnygirl6179 on November 15, 2013:
I think that everybody parents differently. And unless a child is abused, it probably all works out in the end. BUT, I also believe that parents need to know when their child has grown up. In my opinion more harm is done in the teen years, such as the parents treating their son/daughter like a ten year old instead of a sixteen year old. If a mom doesn't allow her eight year old to wear her hair down she may yell at her if it's the tenth time she's had to tell her, but at twenty a mom shouldn't be yelling at her daughter about her hair style, or taste in clothing just because it doesn't match hers. Little by little that girl's self confidence and self esteem is crushed and she won't be able to make decisions on her own.
suzettenaples on October 14, 2013:
I agree with your article wholeheartedly. Love and respect is a two way street. I was unfortunate to have the abusive and belittling patents and you are right. Today I don't care to be around them. What I did learn from my parents is how NOT to parent so that is the silver lining. Great article and you make great points. All parents should read this!
Grace Marguerite Williams (author) from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York on October 14, 2013:
Marie, thank you for stopping by and for your response.
Martie Coetser from South Africa on October 14, 2013:
This is an awesome hub! I agree all the way with you, gmwilliams.
Grace Marguerite Williams (author) from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York on October 09, 2013:
Thank you so much for your response.
golpo on October 09, 2013:
It's true and really it's a very soulful hub.
Diana F. King-Fyre :: DECEASED, 1962-2014, Rest in Peace from Cuzco, Peroo on September 25, 2013:
My parents made me eat vegetables when I was a kid, and now I make them eat vegetables when they come to my apartment. It's only fair.
Denise Handlon from North Carolina on September 23, 2013:
Very important points made here about the treatment of children in the household. It brought to my mind an old Russian folk tale I read once. A mother was watching her daughter set a bowl of soup down at her little toy table. Thinking she was setting it for her doll, the mother questioned her.
The daughter explained, "No, mother, I'm practicing for when you become old."
Children learn by example. The best way to end up with a loving, socially responsible grown child, is to be that person yourself.
UP/U / I I think you and I share many similar values.
H C Palting from East Coast on August 14, 2013:
I saw a mother using the F and the B word to her children when I was entering a WalMart store once. I felt so horrible for them, they appeared embarrassed and hurt. The mother apparently couldn't simply tell them to be quiet which is what she wanted, she had to cut them down in doing so. She had to verbally abuse and embarrass them in public, reminding me of my own mother to whom I haven't spoken in years for this exact reason. GOD only knows what goes on behind closed doors for that young boy and girl when their mom called them the B-word and used the F-word against them in public.
My own mother never told me and my sisters (my parents had 3 girls) that she loved us. My father told us at least a couple times daily in stark contrast and gave us lots of big bear hugs. And the ONE TIME in my life that my mother hugged me was in a complete "show" for her co-workers from which I shrugged away because it was fake and disgusted me that she knew that "normal" parents hug their children but could only manage to do so to keep up appearances for herself. I knew it was fake and the co-workers knew it too. She has had at least 4 open heart surgeries and is very lonely, housebound and only one of my sisters speaks to her, possibly in hopes of getting her money and home when she dies.
I find surgeries on her heart ironic seeing as how she never truly showed any heart to me and the rest of the family. I took the brunt of her rage & hatred for many years. It is what it is, reality. Not all families are completely good and loving. All I can do is disconnect and sever ties, why would I want to be around anyone who treated me like a maid, lackey, or even Cinderella for YEARS? Yet, she lies about me, my younger sister, and our deceased father to anyone who will listen. Good thing though that many don't and actually see her for the horrible person that she is from their own experience...one of the most important teachers.
Grace Marguerite Williams (author) from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York on August 08, 2013:
Thank you for your eloquent and heartfelt response.
CraftytotheCore on August 08, 2013:
Your writing really hit home with me here! My mother was 15 when she had me. I was career minded until I turned 30 and then wanted children. I had my first child when I was 31. I had already had a career, so that wanting for was over. My focus was on my children from day 1. They are truly unique individuals and I love to watch them grow. I treat them as unique as the individuals that they are because I was "stifled" growing up.
My mother was young when she had me and I was a burden. She married a man when I was 4 who was not my father. I wasn't allowed to meet my father. When I was 5, my sister was born. I went to live with my grandparents when I was 7. My mother moved across country without me when I was 10. My grandmother, as good as her intentions were, sheltered me because she didn't want me to turn out like my mother. What she didn't realize, is I'm a unique individual from my mother.
My grandmother passed away 6 years ago. My mother moved back after divorcing a second time. We have grown to know each other since her return. I do feel like I missed out on having a genuine mother-daughter relationship. So, my children get my 100%. They walk in confidence.
Grace Marguerite Williams (author) from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York on July 22, 2013:
YOU'RE quite welcome indeed and God Bless you on your healing!
Zulma Burgos-Dudgeon from United Kingdom on July 22, 2013:
I agree with both of you but I don't think I explained myself well. You see I've never had any sort of bond with either of my parents. When my father wasn't working, he spent his free time drinking, hanging out with his friends and mistress and watching sports on TV. Clearly there was no room in his schedule for a wife and child. We rarely spoke and I know next to nothing about him. Ask me when his birthday was or what his favourite colour was and I couldn't tell you. My relationship (?) with my mother was no better. My father neglected me while my mother was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive towards me.
People would sometimes ask me why I didn't like my mother. When I tried to explain the situation they would cut me off and rush to her defensive. In short, they felt it was down to me to 'make the effort' to be kind to her and make the relationship work. I felt it was unfair of them to rush to that conclusion without hearing my side of things. Many people feel that the mother/child bond is sacrosanct and should be preserved at all costs. Therefore, I was the villain for harbouring ill feelings towards my mother. It's because of this reaction that I never speak about my past. Not even my husband knows the extent of her abuse. (He did meet her once and he told me later he didn't much care for her.)
It wasn't until I read DOM's hub that I realised I wasn't alone; someone actually understood and didn't blame me. For that I will always be grateful to DOM. And now to you. Thank you both for helping me break free from the past.
Grace Marguerite Williams (author) from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York on July 21, 2013:
Thank you for your response, it is greatly appreciated!
Mel Flagg COA OSC from Rural Central Florida on July 21, 2013:
I think what Phoenix meant was the parent sees the child as the villain for not wanting to visit. At least that's the case in my situation. Like Phoenix, this hub describes my childhood to a tee. It's unfortunate, but I haven't talked to my parents in several years because my mother continued her disrespect of me well into my 30's. She would say such disrespectful things about my husband and tell me how horrible my life is when I love my life. But that doesn't matter to her. Now that I have a child of my own, I fight everyday to raise her properly and not treat her the way I was treated. Sometimes it's difficult, but so far I think I've been successful. Great hub by the way. Had to share it, and I'll be adding a link from my Controlling mother hub to yours. :) Excellent piece here.
Grace Marguerite Williams (author) from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York on July 21, 2013:
Oh no, the child is NOT the villain if the parent is left alone due to THE LATTER'S abusive actions. The parent is getting what HE/SHE deserves. The child is RIGHT not to EVER have anything to do with the parent again.
Zulma Burgos-Dudgeon from United Kingdom on July 21, 2013:
My mother was definitely of this school. While I was growing up, she often said how she couldn't wait to be by herself again and live the way she wanted. So I obliged. I moved out when I was 18 and have not looked back since.
I have 3 children. They all have their own distinct personalities which make life...interesting, but fun. My oldest daughter moved out over a year ago but visits often. And she is quite happy for us to come and visit her. The only thing I learned from my mother's brand of 'child raising' was to never do to my children what she to me. As a result, my kids and I enjoy our time together.
As far as I know, my mother got what she wanted. She is by herself and living the way she wants.
You hub described my childhood to a tee. I have nothing to do with either of my parents and that is a direct result of the child raising method you described here. The only thing you didn't mention is how the children end up being the villain for not wanting to be with their parents.
Grace Marguerite Williams (author) from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York on July 18, 2013:
Yes indeed, sadly many parents do not realize this whatsoever. They talk to their children anyway they want yet they become incensed when their children "talk back" to them. I am of the school that respect is a two way street between parent and child. If a parent disrespects his/her child, he/she should not be upset when that child grows away from him/her and have nothing to do with him/her. What goes around, comes around.
Devika Primić from Dubrovnik, Croatia on July 18, 2013:
Brilliant hub! You the lesser educated parent often sees on side of things and expects a child to respect them no matter what, but what parents in theses cases don't understand that one has to gain respect in order to be respected.