A teacher & ghostwriter of books & researched niche articles on behavioral psychology, related topics. With a touch of spirituality.
Why Would Anyone be Hateful Towards Mothers on Mother's Day?
Free speech and social media kind of go hand in hand. On mother's day, while there are many that are all songs and praise about mother, there are others that say deeply hateful things about mother. Some people will pen hate to undermine mothers' day in ways that are surprising and sometimes border on the repulsive.
We could say that social media is where anything can be said and justified regardless of how inappropriate it is.
But that might be simplistic. What is really going on?
Mothers too are Human
Let us first agree that mothers are not perfect.
Because human beings are not perfect and when I last checked, mothers are human. I'd be the last person to suggest mothers are perfect. In this context, it would defeat the purpose of this piece.
In addition, as beautifully captured in Psychology Today,
"in a sense, difficult mothers are the norm. Our need for a mother's attention, appreciation, and understanding is great; our expectations are high. We tend to be critical of responses that are not precisely what we hope for."
With that in mind and when interacting with the stunning diatribes against mothers and the even more hateful comebacks in defense of mothers, a pattern starts to emerge.
The society can be seen to actively gaslight anyone who dares to suggest that they had a nasty experience in the hands of a mother. Respondents want to undermine that perspective by any means possible.
As I paid more attention to the fascinating interplay, I started to see the logic. On one hand one sees the pain of the hurting that manifests as hateful words against mother. On the other hand one sees the fear in the team that actively gaslights.
Maternal wounds take many forms, they hurt terribly, and they are deep.
Understanding the Meaning of "Gaslighting"
To first understand the hateful "gaslighting," that is undermining what the hurting are saying, let us look at the trigger.
See the way most women think, particularly if they are mothers themselves is this:
"If I allow anyone to call out their mother, it means I have also allowed my children to call me out."
There is a morbid fear that lives in the heart of every mother that their child could someday look at them and tell them, "you were not mother enough."
To make sure that never happens, well, we must stop society from talking about mothers altogether, by undermining and watering down the experiences of those who do in any other way but in glowing praise.
You will therefore find the meanest comments against people who speak out about a mother-wound are women. Mothers, to be precise.
If you have ever felt triggered by a comment about mothers that was not all praise and glory, you might want to read the article on what happens when you feel triggered on my blog.
It will help
Giving Form to the Nature of the Mother Wound
I'd like to give a small window of soothing for those with the mother-wound or who feel aggrieved by mother in some big or small way. Yes, the mother wound is a thing.
It is a real psychological and emotional wound. It is also a wound visible on your energy body and can be seen in energy-based therapies such as reading chakaras, etc.
Where or what are some of the areas that may cause a maternal wound?
1. Cruel words uttered by your mother and repeated often enough.
You are stuck with that tune on repeat and it affects your self-esteem. You can never seem to get away from that harsh voice.
2. Comparisons your mother made between you and others and an over-emphasis on your faults.
These crushed your inner sense of self and hurt like physical wounds.
3. An abandonment wound.
Mothers leave children 5 years and below for many reasons. Regardless of the reason, the child feels abandoned. Even the death of a mother at any time in the life of the child, results in an abandonment wound.
4. Abuse from others because mum was not present.
Most children who undergo any type of abuse in the hands of another adult will always wish mum CARED ENOUGH to be present. They take the abandonment personally. Even as adults, they still feel that abandonment.
Being present also includes listening to the child who reports inappropriate behavior from an adult that make the child feel uncomfortable. In the mind of the child, mum would have protected them had they been present. They often blame the abuse on the mother much more than on the abuser.
5. Physical punishment in place of discipline.
As a result of physical punishment, some people may develop mixed codes in adulthood between pain, love, violence, and safety.
This can go on as a debate among the people who support physical punishment as a method of discipline. However, the developing mind of the child will NEVER understand how the same hand that protects and makes them feel safe, also inflicts pain. We may argue, but the emotional and developing mind is not logical.
Discipline, by the way, makes a strong case for parenting as a pair, so that one parent is the discipline hand and the other the comforting hand.
Quick mention: children will more readily blame fathers for missed opportunities and economic challenges. There too, they will develop an abandonment wound, but it will not be as severe as the abandonment wound from the emotional absence of the mother.
Usually, unless the father was present and leaves suddenly, children will not typically attribute psychological and emotional wounds to the father.
You Have a Mother Wound; What Can You do?
1. Find a way to recognize that mothers are as human as everyone else.
2. Mother is a perfect, super-human, demi-god won't work for you, so tank that idea.
3. Try and see her through the eyes of the adult.
4. Reflect on how we make decisions and you may find ways to excuse her actions. Try and walk in her shoes.
5. If all else fails, consider that you did get an opportunity to incarnate.
6. Whatever you do, find a way to heal for your own sake.
So You Have a Mother Wound. What Can You do?
Here is a quick navigation map for the hurting...
Please keep in mind, that this is not a comprehensive and all-inclusive therapy plan. The article only touches the surface of a rather deep matter.
Now you're an adult. You might even be a parent yourself.
1. Find a way to recognize a fact; mothers are as human as everyone else.
Mothers are as human as the next person. Sometimes they get it. Occasionally they don't. Your mother might very well have made some mistakes, made choices that did not have perfect outcomes, because humans make mistakes and choose things that may not always turn out fine.
Whether deliberately or just as a function of living, is neither here nor there. What is done is done.
2. Mother is a perfect, super-human, demi-god won't work for you.
If you hurt, the idea that mother is a demi-god, all-knowing, and perfect will not serve you at all. Tank it!
We all operate from our point of knowledge and ability. Carrying a pregnancy does not automatically translate into knowledge of best parenting tricks. They do not exist.
Additionally, we cannot give what we don't have. Similarly, your mother could only give what she had and nothing more.
Such is life.
Which leads to the next piece...
3. Try and see her through the eyes of the adult.
One of the best ways to find a way to heal is to try and understand your parents' background. Most of us are children of trauma backgrounds to a large or small extent, because the systems on the earth do not always support the well-being of the child.
Seeing the realities, not as a child, but from an adult's eyes, offers a window to make peace with a lot of things. You might actually get where your parent was coming from.
4. Reflect long and hard on why we make decisions as we do.
For being abandoned, especially if a parent had to work, or even if they just walked away... Find a way to recognize that humans make decisions every single day, but almost always for self, first.
The parent who chooses to do right by the children does so because they hold themselves to that standard. It is about them and their inner world.
Our standards are different and we all make choices as we do. So did your mother. In fact, so are you, right this moment.
Accepting that is a big step towards finding a way to acknowledge your mother's choices. You may not agree with her choices, but they are what they are.
5. There is great value and input in the opportunity you got to incarnate.
At the absolute baseline, consider this. Your mother gave you an opportunity to incarnate.
Most of us, particularly those that have gone through traumatic experiences, want to say, "I didn't ask to be born."
Well! Not true. Every soul gets the first 4 months to just watch the pregnancy and decide if they're going to go through with coming here or not. Many back off, which is one of the non-medical reasons for the many spontaneous abortions that take place in many women in the 1st trimester.
You, dear one chose to be here. That opportunity, is probably a good thing. She agreed to give up every aspect of her body to help make your choice a reality.
Find a way to appreciate that.
6. Reflect long and hard on the mother/ child bond.
More than anything else, understand this reality. You can never slice off the entwining you have with a person you shared every moment of 9 months. You ate what she ate, breathed because she breathed. You can't wish that bond away. You may hurt, but the bon is there, and it might be easier to find ways to heal, than to try and wish it away.
7. Whatever you do, find a way to heal.
And for that previous one, and for your own sake, find a way to heal. Just find it. If the pain and hurt is really bad, go for therapy.
Heal enough that you can speak about your experiences, whatever they may be, without choking up or feeling angered all over again. If you're not there yet, there's still work to do.
8. Make your evaluations objectively by trying to walk in her shoes.
Dear one, it's your call now. She did her bit. You can evaluate her, but, well, here you are now.
How is your score card?
If you were in her shoes, would you score better?
When you start to try and make the decisions around her circumstances, you will see that in fact the events are what they are. You might have taken the exact same steps.
You might see that life was doing what life does. In retrospect, there is nothing you can do to change the past, but you can do plenty for the future.
For Your Own Sake It Is Time to Look in the Mirror
So your life is not working. You have tried everything you know to do. Read this last part very slowly, word for word.
After you have tried everything you know how… Are making zero progress… Finally in desperation, you find your way to a psychic, whether a genuine one or the charlatan types… After they have swiped your money, many say, "go back home."
Is that a familiar scenario?
If you get into a counselling session, the more religious therapist might tell you to "seek forgiveness."
In most of those sessions, the broken mother/ child bond is what they are referring to.
Healing this broken bond is work. A lot of work because the damage is stored in the subconscious mind. There are many therapists whose entire career is centered on helping individuals heal this emotional and psychological wound.
Because of the depth of the work many psychics will not out-rightly tell you to go find your mother and find ways, from whichever angle, to make peace.
- First, because it sounds too simple.
- Second, because, hello, you wouldn’t feel like you got your money's worth if you came out with that.
- Third, the psychic is not a therapist. They are not in the task to outline the details of what is really going on, much less help you out. They are signboards. They only point you in the particular direction. To most people, "all this trouble has a lot to do with your mother," sounds too fantastic and far-fetched. It is easier to invoke some devil, some traditional curse, and all sorts of fables.
Life is not complicated unless we make it so.
Most psychics know the effects of the mother-wound, even if they do not have the details to explain why the mother-wound is so crippling.
In very great summary, here is why it is so deep…
For one to be a mother, there are many processes that go on. They include, though not limited to… the development of blood and DNA, the energy channeling of the growing child to the mother to cause mother to do everything in that nine months, including adjust the functions of her body in a partnership that will give the incoming soul a body, and much more.
The sheer miracle of pregnancy and birth, connect the child to the mother in ways that affect a soul way more deeply than we think.
If you want to reflect on it a little bit, remember, the artificial womb science has developed costs hefty monies. That process is complex.
Practitioners of the dark arts use the mother wound a lot. They take up the already existing threads of trouble and yarn more threads around the individual, especially if they are unaware and thus do not manage their life-energies well.
So the psychic can only wish you well and send you on your way with a cryptic message.
The dodgier psychics may invoke your grandmother, depending on where you are on the planet. Well, your mother's wounds have a lot to do with your grandmother, her mother. So in fact, "appeasing" your grandmother will soothe you enough to give you some temporary relief.
However, the challenges will still come back, most times, worse than before.
Doubt it? In societies that "appease" their grandmother, including those who go into blood shedding rituals, talk to the individual after a year. Find out how they are faring.
Listen dear one…
When you have run long enough, you will HAVE TO look in the mirror. Not to condemn, but to find a way to heal.
In every mirror stands both you and your mother, particularly if she was your primary care-giver, either part time or full time.
It is that serious.
If you're a mother. In the mirror of every one of your children stands your child and you. That is why motherhood should be taken way more seriously than a heart attack.
It is that serious.
Go back home and find a way to make peace with your mother.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2022 Nyambura Muriuki