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To My First Born: A Letter of Becoming a Mother while Motherless

Richelle is a nerd of all things healing. Topics she loves are: trauma, healing, narcissism & borderline personality disorder.


A Letter to my First Born

Dear Daughter,

My heart, my world, my tenacious and beautiful soul of a daughter. I know it's cliche, but I love you more than you will ever understand. Sometimes I can't let myself feel how much I love you because it overpowers me.

Our journey has been a short one, but you have changed my life in ways I never knew a life could be changed. 14 months ago you made me a mother. I couldn't put into words for 14 months how your existence has redefined my life. Your existence has literally given me the definition of what love, life, and change mean.

When I was pregnant with you, I knew logically with your birth would come new life with many sleepless nights, lots of love, dirty diapers, and smelling your new baby smell. I knew that we would be parents, I would give birth to you, we would leave the hospital and begin our journey as a family of three. I knew your fur siblings would be jealous, I knew you would need to feed every 2-3 hours, I knew you would sleep most of the time tightly swaddled with your daddy's expert-level swaddle technique.

What I didn't know was the meaning and feeling of being a mother. Not only because I had no experience with being a mother, but because for thirty years I built a definition of who I thought I was slowly, unintentionally, and subconsciously.

Life experiences can shape a vision of yourself that you think is real until one day something shifts and the bricks of your life come tumbling down. This can be good or bad. Slow, or fast. 32 hours of labor and there you were. 6lbs 6oz of life shifting bricks in my arms.

I know now 14 months after your birth when the bricks of my old life finally tumbled. When we were in a rhythm and you would coo and smile up at me as I fed you, when you were around 2 months old.

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This is when I knew what being a mother was. It wasn't an aha moment. It was a feeling, indescribable until it happens to you. Yes, of course I loved you from the moment you were born but there is a special moment when I knew I was a mother

It seems silly how my pre-mother mind thought our lives would resume as they once were. Once you were here I had to be with you, to savor you, to love you. I needed to figure out what this new life changing event meant for both of us.

Looking back 12 months after realizing I was a mother, I needed to redefine the bricks that made up my pre-mother life. I had to redefine change. I had to redefine love. I had to redefine life. I had to rebuild the bricks, slowly and carefully.

Let me tell you, doing this 30 years into life isn't easy. I don't want to sugarcoat it. The immense confusion and pain that came with the tumbling of bricks from my pre -mother life crushed my soul.

But this new chapter was what I needed, and you needed. I love you my beautiful daughter, and I always will.



This content reflects the personal opinions of the author. It is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and should not be substituted for impartial fact or advice in legal, political, or personal matters.

© 2021 Richelle Marie

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