Four (Fore) 4 Horror Movie Characters that Will EAT YOU if You Sing During Wicked!
This is wicked.
As of this writing, the Disney musical adaptation of Wicked has made so much money from theater kids buying tickets en masse and those being dragged along with those theater kids buying tickets en masse. As you might have experienced while watching Wicked, some of those f*cking people might want to sing along during that classic Wicked song (I have never seen the musical or heard any songs from the movie), "My Broom Gives Me Rashes" or that other showstopper "Tiny Elves" (people love that one).
So if you went in cold but had to listen to others butcher a song you’ve never heard, you are not alone.
These four horror movie characters went to see Wicked opening weekend. People sang along thinking their voices were just as good as Ariana Grande or Cynthia Erivo. They were wrong. Some of them ended up dead. Or eaten. Or dead then eaten. Or eaten then dead. So many combinations.
To paraphrase that famous song from Wicked, “Please shut the f*ck up while the movie is playing”.
Refrain from breathing.
1) The Blind Man from Don’t Breathe (2016)
BTW- There are spoilers from Don’t Breathe, so if you haven’t seen this after 8 years (as of this writing), then you don’t really want to see this so don’t (breathe) whine like a b*tch.
The Blind Man, the main character from 2016’s horror hit Don’t Breathe and its diverting but unnecessary sequel Don’t Breathe 2: Electric Boogaloo was a giant fan of Broadway musicals as well as turkey basters and kidnapping young women.
Have you seen a hammer?
He’d seen Wicked in its original Broadway run 4 times between putting girls in basements. He even has a signed picture with Idina Menzel but it’s not really Idina Menzel but nobody bothered to tell him because he’s blind. His favorite Wicked song is “Yellow Bricks To My Heart!”.
As you might have guessed, Blind Man went to wee Wicked opening night even though he couldn’t see anything. But he could hear. Until some dumbf*cks in the row in front of him began singing. They weren’t singing for long before he took a hammer to them. The rest of the moviegoing audience applauded in approval. Even Wicked costar Jeff Goldblum dropped by to shake his hand (“I uh, hear, you have, uh, turkey basters”). Some women in the audience donated, um, stuff to fill his baster. Aside from the brief interruption everyone else enjoyed the movie and made a feast using the entrails from the dead bodies. Jeff Goldblum passed out meat to everyone in the crowd. All was well.
2) Mary Henry from Carnival of Souls (1962)
Proof that you shouldn’t go road racing. Or if you do, learn to f*cking drive.
Mary Henry from the cult horror classic Carnival of Souls had been having a reasonably fun day before she and her dumb friends decided to go drag racing because that’s what kids did in the 60s beside ignore their children or smoke while pregnant. If you haven’t seen this insidious black and white gem, our friend Mary (the awesomely named Candace Hilligoss) woke up from the drag race and things were um, different. You’ll have to see the movie to know more.
One thing Mary did while looking for her friends was play organ at a church and listen to the Wicked soundtrack while fending off rape-y advances from that one guy in the movie. When Wicked was released in theaters Mary went to opening day and those hoodlum kids who challenged her and her friends to the drag race were there.
Drive with your hands.
Watching Wicked…then singing along. As you might guess, Mary took it upon herself to exact justice because that carnival was pretty f*cked up. While they were singing along to the one song with the lyrics, Mary got into her car and drove into the auditorium right where the kids were sitting, killing them instantly and earning a raucous cheer from the rest of the theatergoers. Sure, it was inconvenient for there to be a car-sized hole in the theater, but it was worth it to shut those kids up.
Wicked star Jeff Goldblum sliced and sauteed parts of the unruly teenage hoodlums off and served them to the audience. All was well.
3) Vanita “Stretch” Brock from Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)
If you remember the events from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, then you know that local DJ “Stretch” Brock has had one whale of a day fighting off Chop Top and whirling that chainsaw around since 1986.
Stretch finally stopped spinning around awkwardly and realized she didn’t have a job anymore because of all the people that died during TCM2. And she couldn’t be a DJ anymore because no one uses tape decks and all the turntables have been updated in such a way that someone who’s been spinning around with a chainsaw since Top Gun was in theaters didn’t have time to learn.
At least Stretch could watch Wicked in theaters before she started looking for another DJ job. She had a vinyl version of the Wicked soundtrack she would play the cover off between the hours of 3 and 5 in the morning since no one was listening anyway. Stretch bought a ticket and entered the theater with her trusty chainsaw (they let her bring it to sing along with the showstopper Sawing Elphaba). Stretch was having a wonderful time watching the movie until theater kids straight out of f*cking Glee began wailing along to the midpoint song “Squeal like a Pig (an Ode to Deliverance)”.
It wasn’t long before Stretch used her chainsaw and shut those theaters kids up. About a quarter of the screen was bloody but it lent itself to the reality of the musical. Wicked costar Ariana Grande, a huge fan of eating theater kids, devoured Jeff Gleemonex all by herself and did not share with the rest of the auditorium. D*ck move, Ariana.
4) Mr. Reed in Heretic (2024)
Granted (as in Hugh), as of this writing Heretic has only been in theaters for about a month so there won’t be many spoilers except for the ending and a twist that happens in the middle that wasn’t revealed in the trailers.
If you’ve seen Heretic, you know there’s one thing Mr. Reed loves more than young women and talking your ear off, it’s musical theater. So you know he got his basement jollies buying Wicked tickets as soon as his phone alerted him that they were on sale.
Harmless man in a harmless sweater.
Reed is such a stickler for detail that he had every single lyric printed and laminated in a binder so he could read along in the dark while the movie played. Unfortunately, halfway through the movie a bunch of theater majors sitting behind him began to sing along to "I Love Eating Children" and got some combination of mustard and ketchup and another as-yet unidentified substance on his lyric binder. Needless to say most of the theater majors that survived ended up in Mr. Reed’s basement.
Wicked costar Jeff Goldblum visits them often because he too is fond of basements and (SPOILER).
Overall
Be decent. Be courteous. Shut the f*ck up while watching Wicked. Some might not care. Some do, to a homicidal and culinary extent.
Vote!
This article is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge. Content is for informational or entertainment purposes only and does not substitute for personal counsel or professional advice in business, financial, legal, or technical matters.
© 2024 Noel Penaflor
