This coming week is Xmas week, and I'm so blah it's like an implosion of uncaring.. But, I'm still getting everything I need c:
Hiddie Hoe There Neighbor
So, I know it's been a while, and I did say that I was going to try and write every week *sweats a little* but hey, I'm here now, right? Alright, alright, I'm sorry for an empty promise, but I didn't actually promise anything. Did I? I don't recall. But you should be used to the disappointment by now! I know I am, but at least I'm not crying in the bathroom at work anymore, aha..
Anyway, enough of all the depressing talk, okay? I'm not here to make you feel bad, I'm here to make you feel A-okay while I get some things off my chest (sometimes literally. Ew, right? Unless, you're into that? Hey, I'm not judging). Or maybe you are intrigued, curious, looking for guidance, or you're just here. And I just want to say, thank you! I'm so excited that you are feeling some type of way at the very least. But please, don't be disappointed in me, okay? I know sometimes I write things here that may have you thinking, what the fuck..? But, I can't help being honest. I'm terrible at lying anyway, so what is even the point?
Just so you know, I'm always open to suggestions too. And since I have been uninspired as of late, it could actually help me out. Leave me a comment or shoot me an email over whatever you want to know. Could be about me, an experience that I may have mentioned in a prior blog, or, I don't know. People have actually been asking me for advice lately through different avenues that I follow and it's got me like "Whoa". I'm totally honored and humbled that even just a few of you would ask me for help, advice, and even sometimes, WISDOM?! That is so kewl of you to ask me *blushes slightly*.
So, please keep me humble y'all! I love your, well, your love really. I won't even lie to ya, haha. Which brings me to what this blog is really about, and geez is it something that I really struggle with. It's a doozie, but, maybe with a little patience, and more understanding, I will get there eventually. A gal can hope at least.
Y'all Got Me Like:
At First I Hated Her, But She's Really Not THAT Bad Y'all
Anyone else up in this joint have the pleasure of working with a Karen who is, quite literally, named Karen? Well, I do, and I gotta say, at first I was like, "Bitch, you better not be about to step to this little momma," but then I realized that was just my anxiety telling me to hate her. That's when I decided to stop and ask myself, am I really mad at this chick? Or am I just mad at myself for not first asking the right questions, and being the absolute best I can be? And sure as shit, that was it. She was just trying to help me, and I was directing my negative energy onto her because I was being hard on myself. And that just ain't right! Karen if you are reading this, I'm so sorry for that. The truth is, I kind of respect you. You know what you want and you aren't afraid to set things in place to make that happen for yourself, and that's exactly how I want to be.
So, I guess I'm hear to admit that I'm proud to be on the path to becoming a true Karen you guys! If you think that makes me a bitch, then I guess I'm a bitch baby! Haha, I'm so unaffected by the negativity because I'm already so hard on myself that you can't even match me on that bro XD That's why, when I'm at work, I'm there dancin' around to my tunes, pumping out jobs like you wouldn't believe. And if I'm laughing at or too myself while I'm doing it? Well then, just mind ya business, okay? ;D (Seriously though, I'm not crazy, I'm just trying to beat my best and have a little fun while I do it.)
Don't y'all ever do that? Wait, just me? Well, I implore that you try it sometime, because you might end up really liking it. It keeps me bubbly, that's for sure. It also keeps me motivated to work harder, even when I'm tired, a bit crabby (most likely because I'm hungry), and my feet or even just my whole body, are sore. I have to do it, because it's a large part of what gets me out of bed (Seriously? 3:50 in the gotdamn morning..). But that's just when I'm pulling 10 hour days, working over time, really struggling for that bread. Because I'm the only one winning that for myself, ya know? But damn, isn't that so satisfying sometimes? Me, and anyone else out here doing this for that matter, (Shout out to all my fellow Libras. Whoop whoop!) we are really KILLING IT! I mean, look at us huh? Just out here, doing our own thing, really getting shit done, and totally staying on top of things. I don't know about you honey, but that kind of thing has me feeling like "I GOT THE POWAH!" :D
So, don't fret, okay? If you are feeling down (trust me, I do sometimes too. Because we all have our days, and our moments) then just find something, anything, to keep you going, and hold fast to it. If you don't know what it is yet, you will figure it out. I did it, and you can too. Always push through that low down feeling and beat it, before it has a chance to beat you. Trust me baby, you got this!
Spongebob For The Win
Now That You're Full Of Inspiration...
Let's take a minute to talk about love. Hold on now, I'm not going to tell you I love you or anything crazy like that. Honestly I've been through too much trauma for that. But I do have a question about it, if that's okay with you? It's simple really. I'm just wondering why I'm not capable of feeling it anymore. Oh, no, please, don't be sad for me over it. Hmmmm? Well maybe I can give you a little insight as to why. It might not make you any happier for me. But, it will help shed some light into my situation. Here goes!
Once upon a time, in a far away distant land, where one woman (that's me!) thought she was deep in love. Not just once, twice, thrice, but, dare I say, 4 times so far in her young life. Considering my age, I feel like that is a lot. And I'm really not just talking lust you know. That is for suckers (sorry if you lust after a lot of fair maidens and or knights in shining armor. But in my case, those are all taken).
It all started in high school. I wasn't the type to really date around, because even at that time in my life, I knew the difference between love and lust. And trust you me, I lusted after my fair shared of cuties. And yes, I was one of those weirdos who crushed on a lot of her teachers, but can you blame me? I also liked to flirt with my lady teachers who were very obviously not gay. At the time though, it was all in good fun! I didn't mean any harm by it, and I had to get practice in somehow (ya ya, judge me all you want). But I'm an adult now, and now I know that I could steal any one of y'all's girl, if I wanted to that is ;) Here's a little tip to all you males reading this though. It really doesn't take much to impress us woman. I'm not speaking for myself of course, because I'm not easy pickins after all, but lassies, let me know if you agree, okay?
Woman want some of the same things that you do. We want to be adored by you, made to want you, teased a little, we want to have fun, laugh and smile with you, make amazing memories, and just be cared for and pampered every now and then damnit! (Okay, so maybe I did have myself in mind when mentioning all of those things. So sue me.) For some reason though, these things are all just too hard to ask of all you "men" out there. What's the deal huh? Here's what I have noticed and am getting really sick of this shit:
-Y'all just wanna get your dick wet, and you're not even being honest about it.
-You tell me I'm sexy, we really seem to be vibing, and then, outta nowhere, I'm ghosted.
-You're not really who you say you are, suddenly you want my banking info, want to send me a bunch of money for having done nothing, or you are sending my your "direct number" making me a bunch of promises, telling me how sexy I am.. blah blah
-You're married.. And I'm not talking about an open, non-monogamous marriage. Or you claiming that you are in a sexless marriage and she just won't give it to you anymore; no matter how much you talk to her about it (still not okay by the way). I'm talking about all y'all motherfuckers, lying to me, saying you are single, then all the sudden it's "you know I'm married right? I just love the idea of cheating on my wife. She's upstairs asleep and I'm so hard thinking about you." First of all, ew. Secondly, what the fuck is wrong with you? Are you some kind of psycho or something?! If that shit happened to me, I would douse you in gasoline while you were sleeping and set your ass on fire. Literally. So don't ever even try to fuck with me.
-You say you are into me, but then all the sudden, I'm just not good enough for you.. I have too many negative traits that you just can't seem to handle, so you want to try and put me up onto a pedestal. Sadly for you, I'm the only one who gets to decide if I want to change, and have my cake and eat it too. 'Cause if you aren't going to settle, or change your ways too for that matter, then neither am I, so bye bitch!
-And lastly, you're obsessed 0.o There is nothing more unattractive to me than a guy who doesn't know shit about me, but for some reason, he's already falling for me? Seriously. If you are trying to make my pussy dry up, then keep up that desperate behavior and I will drop your ass faster than than stink on shit.
I don't know a woman alive that has ever said to me, "Ohmygawd, he won't leave me alone, he's always complimenting how beautiful and amazing I am, we have only known each other a few months, and he constantly wants to know what I'm doing. It's so hot." Pffffff, keep dreaming buddy, 'cause it ain't ever gone happen. And I'm not even fucking kidding right now. Your desperate, clingy, and somewhat controlling actions are really making me want to vomit. Maybe you should try putting that kind of energy and attention back into yourself instead of trying so hard to make me love you, or whatever the fuck. Which brings me to my next thing..
Courtesy @thedeepestmessages via Instagram
How About DAT
I'm Just Not Capable Of Feeling That Way
Yes, you read that correctly. My heart is so black at this point, who knows if it will ever shine bright for anyone, ever again. But, when you are with men who are always negative, tell you that you are fat, try to separate you from your family and the one's who love you, who never actually hold any real love in their hearts for you, or don't trust you through the entirety of your over 2 year long relationship; well, it can kind of fuck you up a little.. I mean, I had one guy tell me some shit like, "If you find someone else and start to develop feelings for them, don't question it. Just be with them." Or, "Well, I have to spread my seed in the world somehow. So, if you really don't want kids we can stay together and I'll just find someone else to impregnant." Come to find out, this asshole had been talking with some slut from his home town, potentially for the entire 3 months that our relationship status on Facebook had been changed to single. Same guy also, literally out of nowhere said to me, "I wonder how tight your sister's pussy is." And after I got very VERY upset at him about it he tried to laugh if off like it wasn't a big deal and then refused to apologize. What a fucking LOSER!
And this one is my personal favorite. Once while in the middle of being intimate with someone (who I wasn't officially with, but continued to sleep with because I thought there could be a chance of us getting back together); I had a guy say to me, "Before you're about to cum, I want you to tell me that you love me." And I did, but I wouldn't have if I hadn't somewhat felt that way... It's funny, because looking back on being with THIS asshole, it only makes me realize how much of an egotistical douche canoe he really is. He lived in his brother's basement, couldn't seem to hold a job for more than a year at a time, drank pretty much every weekend, and also only ever had me doing things that were centered around his life and whatever HE had going on. Which apparently wasn't enough for his sorry ass because he also told me at one point, toward the end, that he wouldn't be with me until I got my shit together. HA! Not even joking. A 30-something, good for nothing, piece of shit, closet alcoholic wanted ME to get MY life together who so CLEARLY had it all figured out. What a dumb ass! Hahaha.
And that is just a peek into where I am coming from. However, I do know part of the blame lies with me too. Because you can only enable someone's bad behavior before your eyes are opened to just how shitty that person is actually being to you because of it. That's just a part of self growth though. Being able to admit where you went wrong in whatever situation you are going through is HUGE. And if you don't self reflect to better yourself then you are living life all wrong my friend. Not everything is everyone else's fault 100% of the time.
So, needless to say, I don't truly regret anything that I have been through with anyone, up to this point. Not even the worst of it. Because I really believe that everything happens for a reason, and there is nothing that could happen to me that will keep me from really living my life to, what I would hope would be, the fullest. We only live once. So please, do me, and yourself a favor. Leave the spite, the pain, the deception, any self loath, inflated ego, or anger at the door when you walk into another venture. Whether that be in a new career, with a new love interest, or just something as simple as trying to teach yourself something new.
And a fair warning to any and all. Don't even think to enter into my life with any of that negativity. Because not only will I know, but I will come to hate you for it, and I won't be sorry for hating you either. It takes a lot to get me there and I simply do not have time to be handled with such disrespect. So please, come at me differently. You might just be surprised how much further honesty will get you with me, then whatever other scheme you may have in mind.
If you are offended after having read any of that, well, it looks like you have some work to do then. If you are an ex of mine, and you happen to be reading this, you're lucky I don't out your sorry ass to whoever else happens to be reading this. But, I know, if I did that, it would only give you the wrong impression. I don't care about whatever you decide to be or do with your life. In fact, I think it's funny that you still peep on my social media because it must mean that some part of you realizes just how much you fucked up when you came at me crooked. Ya dumb ass piece of shit, cuckholding, lying, bitch ass mother fucker <3
In Other Words
If you are lucky enough to be a real part of my life, just know that I do appreciate you. I enjoy your honesty. I am glad you are a part of my life and are my friend. And I really enjoy your presence and want you to know that I am grateful for any time you have decided to dedicate to me! <3 Sometimes, I may think about you, and wonder if you are in good spirits, fairing well, staying happy, hydrated, and keeping yourself fed and motivated. In fact, that's part of the reason I'm here. It's for you! Granted, I do enjoy writing these blogs you know. It makes me feel, not just good, but accomplished somehow, haha. Maybe that sounds lame, but between you and me, it sure is the truth :)
To be honest, there is a small piece of my heart that goes out to you. Some more than others of course, but please know this. For anyone who isn't family, who may be reading this, I'll never love you in quite the same way that you love me. That is to say, if you ever do hold love in your heart for me. And please, it's not conceited for me to bring this up if you have actually approached me in a way that tells me that you do have STRONG feelings for me. And I'm sorry that I had to shut you down.. But would you rather I lead you on, continue to see you, and really end up breaking your heart? Because I just can't do that to someone. I know what it's like to have your heart trampled on like that, and it sucks. So why would I do that to someone else, especially knowing what it's done to me?
I am sorry to have hurt your feelings though. I didn't mean to. I was just trying to stay true to myself, and I did tell you where I was coming from before anything even started. So, if you want to be upset with someone, maybe you should take a look in the mirror. Or, maybe you need someone to come along and break your heart. But that person isn't me, so don't be sorry to me after reading this, not taking my advice, and really getting hurt as a result. Because it really isn't my fault if you aren't able to take constructive criticism and run with it. *Shrugs*
What can I say? I always have, and always will be a tough loving kind of gal. Despite having a very sensitive nature myself, I just can't bullshit you. So I guess you better buckle up if you are trying to get on this ride. But your ego can only be this big *makes a pinching motion with my pointer finger and thumb* if you want to get on with this little lady!
Fair Thee Well For Now
Oof, what a wild ride this post was huh? Maybe I was calling the kettle black back there for a moment, I don't know. You tell me! I won't be offended, I promise. I just had some things I really needed to get out there this time around. Hopefully I have another crazy story to share with all y'all next time around though. I have a little sum sum planned for tomorrow after work and I am still so nervous about it, but I'm mostly nervous over most things so, we shall see I guess. Maybe I will be brave enough to write about it here? But I'm starting to get hangry and have some shit I need to get done around my place, so I gotta jet! Stay hydrated, stay happy, and staying healthy! Happy holidays all you fine foxy humanoids ;) Until next time!
This content reflects the personal opinions of the author. It is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and should not be substituted for impartial fact or advice in legal, political, or personal matters.
© 2020 Kursten Westholder