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Worst Personal Ads--The Shocking, Weird, And Funny Side of Dating

Men Seeking Companionship

Everyone wants to find love, affection and acceptance. Most people are searching for a soulmate, or at least for someone to hang out with on the weekends. That is why personal advertisements have been popular since man first learned how to carve in stone.

I haven't actually seen a prehistoric singles ad, but I am pretty sure that it would read something like this:

"Big, strong hunter with own cave seek big, strong woman to cook mammoth, sharpen spears, make fire, keep fleas out of furs." --

Come to think of it, that may have been in Jean M. Auel's novels...

Gone are the days of caveman bluntness. Today's personals are all about finesse, glamor, and charm...or not.

Since hubs are supposed to be educational, I am presenting these examples of real singles ads as examples of how NOT to behave in regards to your future love life.


Dating Poll

What Women Want In A Man

Rumor has it that women are attracted to attitude as well as to physical looks. Women may say that they want a man who is:

  • Honest
  • Confidant
  • Funny
  • Charming
  • Compassionate

How about we look at some examples of these traits in would-be suitors. Suave, debonair, polite...these gentlemen have it all. And they would love to share it with you!

Honesty Is Valuable In A Relationship

There is a fine line between honest and painfully honest. Want to use another word? These gentlemen are frank, blunt, straightforward, and direct.

  • Hi! I am chubby and fun. If you squeeze me, love will ooze out of my pores for you. I want a girl that is nice and honest.

  • 27 year new country boy. I miss city life and like to drink a lot but I don't get mean. I have my own house and drive a truck. call me if you want a man who knows fun

  • I am 33 years old and healthy. Doctors say I can get you pregnant.

  • 42 year old man who is awful at relationships, seeking woman age 25-45 to teach me the right way to treat a woman.

Scroll to Continue
  • I won't lie, I am looking for a sexy woman. I like young, busty, and thin. Don't bother replying if you don't meet this description.

Size Matters. Ego size, That Is...

  • I'm "Chad". I am six feet, four inches tall, 205 pounds, brown hair, brown eyes. I'm muscular, handsome, charming. I can sweep you off your feet. I am a talented musician, I had a 4.0 GPA, hold a two masters degrees, and have travelled to nine countries. I consider myself sophisticated and well-rounded. I want a nice girl that I can share my knowledge with, especially wines, gourmet foods, and exotic regions. I am hoping to find someone who is innocent of the world...I want to shape you into a mature, sophisticated woman.

Confidance Can Be Attractive

These men are very confidant. But where does confidance end and narcissism begin? You decide!

  • 26 yo single man. The best you will ever have. In a relationship? Meet me and you won't go back to that guy.

  • Picture this. You look across the room and see a tall, well built muscular man (biceps measuring ). you are drawn in by his careful groomed inky black hair and blue eyes. He is everything you want. rugged. handsome with perfect stubble and well dressed. You can tell he has good taste. That man is me.

  • I am an extremely smart, good looking guy who has graduated collage. Looking for a decent woman who is on my equal level. I like to have fun, but don't go for the dumb blonde type or girls who are trampy.

Oh Lord, Its Hard To Be Humble...

Everyone Loves A Little Humor

Those who are witty are the life of the party. A relationship is much stronger if your partner can make you laugh. Here are some funny guys that need a partner...or at least an audience:

  • 54 man seeking woman who rich, attractive, honest, virtuous, and down-to-earth. Really, those last things aren't important. Just be rich and I will love you. Am willing to sign a pre-nup.

  • Haha! I can't believe I am doing this. Okay, so I am single, yeah! I'm a really funny guy, you can say class clown. I like hanging with friends and doing stupid stuff. Like last week we hung out on the bridge and saw who could spit gum into a floating can. Not really looking for any kind of looks, just girl that likes to hang-out and laugh a lot. Plenty of fun here. I am tall, kind of thin and have brown eyes.

  • Any woman out there that likes a goofy guy? I like jokes, tricks and parties. I even work weekends as a clown for kids parties. Anyhow, I am 27, am tall, thin and have brown hair. I guess I am romantic, I do like making people happy. And I can juggle, so you won't get bored!

Sweet Nothings

  • DM, 74 seeking fun, mature woman to take out dancing. Must like dancing, eating, going to movies (I like suspense and some action) Please don't be fat or ugly.

Turn On The Charm....

Some men are just born with the ability to charm a woman. They know the right words, the right moves, and the right attitude to take. They can really make a woman feel special. Check out a few of these James Bond competitors:

  • Man age 61--seeking older divorcee who doesn't mind cleaning house. I don't like red hair, tattoos, attitudes.

  • Looking for volupshus woman age 21-25 to be lover and take care of me.

  • I am 29, single, witty, intelligent and sophisticated. I am seeking a female partner, ages 25-34. Looks are important. I prefer blonds (any shade) who take care of their bodies. Any girl of mine should be smart, funny, outgoing, selfless, philosophical, caring, kind, demure and sexy. I am NOT an animal lover. I also don't like kids, conversations about movies or books, or nature.

  • SWM, 52, seeking marriage or just a chess partner. Must be at least intermediate level. Glasses are cute.

  • Really, I just want a girl who like to have intimate relationship. You can have friends and hobbies or whatever. No cheaters or liars, plz.

  • Don't know what kind of girlfriend I would want. Just want to hook up with a few ladies.I'm nice, good looking, honest and don't have any diseases.

More Humor

Compassion Is Not A Lost Art

A lot of women are seeking sensitive men. Just how sensitive a man should be depends on the woman.

Some just want a man who opens up in the privacy of their own home. Others want the guy that tells his friends he is watching Martha Stewart and crying when the craft projects turn out so beautiful.

Here are some compassionate, sensitive men who will be proud to share their feminine side with the lady of their life. Are these men really this nice, or are these ads tailor made to lure in big-hearted women?

  • Hi! I am C., and I am 41. I recently lost my wife, and now I am a single father raising three boys who need a mother-figure. Being a widower for seven months has taught me to appreciate the caring, compassion and love that a woman can provide. I am ready to be a man who makes a woman's dreams comes true. All I ask is that she love and care for me and my beautiful children as much as we care for her. I am tall, physically fit, moral, honest, and have been told I am very handsome. Am seeking a pretty, nurturing woman who has a lot to give and wants to be cherished.

  • Loving, moral, honest man seeking a beautiful partner. I am that nice guy every woman wants. The guy that cries at funerals. I love cats too. Any ladies out there ages 21-26 take a chance on me!

  • I am so tired of drama and women that dump on me. I am 24, nice looking and a good guy. What is wrong with women? I will pay your gas money to come meet with me and see that I am not a weirdo or anything.

  • I want to marry a single mom. I feel sorry for all the women whos men have left them with all kids, and they don't have nobody. Will take care of you and your kids pretty moms!

  • This is my last try. If i don't find someone nice to be the love of my life then I am giving up on love! I am 29, smart, funny and attractive. I am a nice guy! I am always getting kicked around. I've fired from jobs just because I am nice. My girlfriends leave me to go with bad boys. I have a 9 year old daughter I don't get to see. Need someone to love me for who I am and who doesn't judge me.

What Women Really Want?

I asked 10 women of different ages and walks of life to sum up in three words, in order of importance, what they really want in a man.

WomanFirst WordSecond WordThird Word









































Love, Your Stalker

  • Hi, my name is Bradley. I am looking for the woman that I kept trying to talk to at the casino last month. You know who you are, remember me? I'm the guy that accidentally followed you into the ladies room. I can't stop thinking about you. Please call so we can hook up. I think you are my soul mate. I go to the casino every saturday and wait for you by that machine.

Ah, Look At All The Lonely People

The singles ads are teeming with lost and lonely souls. Who are we to judge? Maybe they just suffer from writer's block when they sit down to pen their advertisements. Some of them certainly suffer from something...

On a parting note, check out these somewhat scary ads. These gentlemen need to work on their marketing skills before trying to sell their brand!

  • 34 yo man, fit, blond hair, blue eyes seeking pregnant or lactating single woman. Possibility of long-term relationship. Maybe marriage. (warning bells, anyone?)

  • Divorced (three times) man looking for good woman. Can't offer you much, willing to do auto repairs if you pay for lunch. (deal of a lifetime)

  • I want to be a house-husband! Career driven woman seeking cute, fun type? I will cook, clean, raise the kids, and shop. I have a slight physical disability that keeps me from a good job. I have black hair, green eyes, 6'2, 190 pounds. I like camping, hiking, playing sports with my friends, swimming, and car racing in my spare time. (what type of disability is this, exactly?)

  • Looking for awesome woman. 21-35. Don't want to sound like a jerk, but if I'm stuck with you then I want you to be the perfect match for me, so I prefer tall girls that are all natural. Curves okay in the right places. I love brown eyes and hair, long legs, great skin. Excellent teeth are a must. ( all natural?)

And I am just in love with this almost half-page ad I found years ago in a local paper. I cannot imagine why his first wife left:

  • Honest, divorced farmboy seeking hard working woman who wants to live the old-fashioned way. I have a self-sustaining farm, use mostly handtools. I get up at 4. am and eat breakfast, tend the animals, split wood, work in the fields, and more. I run this farm like my great-grandpa ran it. I have running water and electric, that's about it. I don't believe in frills. No television, no radio, no phones. I have one truck and a small tractor for big jobs. Need a woman who wants to live the way real farmers used to, someone who can cook and sew our clothes. This life is not for a woman who wants to shop all the time or have a 9 to 5 job. We grow most of our food, use wood heat, and do our own repairs. I need a wife who can build fires, tend to sick animals, raise kids, use tools, put up food, butcher out meat, and isn't afraid to get dirty.This is a 24 hour job with no vacations. I have a twelve year old son who stays with me each summer. I would like to have more children too. Come live the real life with me and enjoy nature.

Now, I grew up on a farm. And we did a lot by hand. We also farmed the way farmers "used to"...which means that whenever something came out that made farming easier, we tried it! We also made a little time for fun. I guess his future wife should just be thankful for that running water.

Have you always wanted to be a farmwife?

Have you always wanted to be a farmwife?



Colleen Swan from County Durham on September 02, 2014:

Enjoyed the humor and the truth that we sometimes try to avoid. An entertaining hub.

Suzie from Carson City on September 02, 2014:

Jayme......Lord save us! I laughed through this entire (very honest but funny) hub. I wonder if you can send me the contact info for the impressive guy who likes to hang out on a bridge and spit into a floating can? I've been looking for someone like him my entire life. WTF????

This has been, for me, a perfect reminder of WHY I have never and will never indulge in "Mystery Dating" or otherwise.

Somebody help us in this CRAZY world!......LOL. Thanks for the laugh and Congratulations on your 100 hubber score! You deserve it!...Peace, Paula

John Hansen from Gondwana Land on September 02, 2014:

This is hilarious sharkey. I'd be amazed if any of these guys got a woman from these ads...but you never know, anything is possible.

Suzanne Day from Melbourne, Victoria, Australia on September 02, 2014:

What an amazing hub! So funny, omg I was rolling on the floor laughing about these. You sure did you research and made my evening. Voted hilariously funny, shared with all my followers and posted on Google+ What The Hub? You should be very proud of this excellent hub. x

Andrew Spacey from Sheffield, UK on September 02, 2014:

Really enjoyed reading these wonderful ads, so funny and mildly disturbing. I'll be looking out for some soon - -ads that is - local ones are probably the best bet judging by the last stonker. Hilarious. I wonder if the guy was successful?

Votes up and a share for this well put together hub.

Jayme Kinsey (author) from Oklahoma on May 10, 2013:

@Natashalh--Oh yes, there are tons of those. Some are really weird too! I remember reading one once that wanted to trade baby clothes for survival books. The bizarre, end-of-the-world survival books. Definitely strange! glad you read and enjoyed!

Jayme Kinsey (author) from Oklahoma on May 02, 2013:

@Glimmer--Oh good! I know I'm not the only person that gets a weird sense of enjoyment out of doing this then! :) I know that it is a total waste of time to read ads but the great ones are worth it! So glad you stopped by to read!

Jayme Kinsey (author) from Oklahoma on May 02, 2013:

@ Vellur--thanks for reading! Glad you liked it!

Jayme Kinsey (author) from Oklahoma on May 01, 2013:

@ingenira--Thank you! Glad you laughed!

CozyPozy from USA on April 30, 2013:

OMG! These made me lol, cringe & gasp--sometimes at once! I am so so so so glad I'm happily married.

Natasha from Hawaii on April 30, 2013:

The funniest ad I ever personally saw wasn't a personal - it was for a boat. It was a 'swap' ad where someone said they would be willing to swap X truck or Y hound dog. Too funny! Looking through ads is always great for cheap thrills.

Claudia Porter on April 30, 2013:

This cracked me up. When I lived in NYC my roommate and I used to love the personal ads. There were some real doozies and we would just laugh and laugh at some of them. Fun hub!

Nithya Venkat from Dubai on April 30, 2013:

Enjoyed reading, great hub and voted up.

Jayme Kinsey (author) from Oklahoma on April 23, 2013:

@aviannovice--Glad that this made you laugh. :) There are definitely some strange people in the world, so watch out! Thanks for reading and commenting!

Ingenira on April 23, 2013:

This is really entertaining ! Thanks for the laugh.

Deb Hirt from Stillwater, OK on April 15, 2013:

These put a few smiles on my face, as well as a few furtive glances. let's hear from the other half soon.

Jayme Kinsey (author) from Oklahoma on April 15, 2013:

@tirelesstraveler--I'm working on it right now. Yes! Men and women are equally odd when it comes to advertising themselves in the paper!

Judy Specht from California on April 15, 2013:

You should do a hub on ads that women put out. Are they as entertaining as men?

Jayme Kinsey (author) from Oklahoma on April 15, 2013:

@janetwrites--Luckily for all of the really weird, bad, and downright nasty personals ads, there were hundreds more that sounded nice, normal, and real! I didn't use online dating or newspaper ads either. In fact, I never dated. I just waited around for the right guy to appear and that guy turned out to be my next door neighbor. :) I had already been close friends with him for seven years already, and we just had our third anniversary. So pretty much ten years for us too! Congrats to you and your partner; I'm glad you didn't have to navigate the online dating world!

Janet Giessl from Georgia country on April 15, 2013:

This is really entertaining. I'm glad I have never had to do online dating. I found my partner when I was studying. We have been happily together for 10 years now. But if I had had to find a partner maybe I would have done this online dating.

Jayme Kinsey (author) from Oklahoma on April 14, 2013:

Thank you Bill! I am glad that you have found a great partner. There is nothing better than finding that one special person!

The dating world looks rather scary. From all of my research into this scene, it looks to be very difficult to sort the really nice people who honestly want love from the people who had to resort to ads because no one will speak to them in real life. Probably because of their attitude issues! Stay tuned...I will be doing the female version soon! Thank you so much for the comment and the read!

Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on April 14, 2013:

You are too funny. I am so happy I no longer have to do this online dating stuff....I am quite happy where I am now, with a loving partner, and no games. :)

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