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Whatever Happened to the Characters From Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide?

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When I was in middle school, I watched Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide. I'm not proud of my actions, but that's what happened. When the series ended, I forgot it ever existed and went on with my life. Then, as I was recently skimming Netflix for viewing options, I happened upon Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide. Horrified and mildly bored, I watched the series finale to appease my inner nostalgia. When it was over, I wondered what happened to all the characters when they went off to high school and beyond. Creativity took over and now I've extended the storylines as far as the characters' lives take them. Here it goes:

-Ned Bigby accidentally impregnated Moze and their parents forced them to get married in tenth grade (which is why they dropped out of school, so Ned Bigby could join the Army to pay for child support and Moze could live out her dream of being a Hooters girl).

-Cookie was disemboweled in a gang-related potato cannon war.

-In the midst of cutting his own hair before his first day of high school, Coconut Head realized his hair smelled exactly like piña coladas. Rather than suffer even further bullying, he used this biological anomaly to his advantage by selling his hair to Jergens as a scent enhancer. His surprise fortune enabled him to retire at age 22, though everyone still calls him Coconut Head.

-All three of the bullies (Billy Loomer, Jerry Crony, and the bald hispanic kid who took a vow of silence whose name is apparently Buzz Rodriguez) joined a local chapter of the Hitler Youth and were never heard from again.

-Gordy the janitor fell into a vat of ammonia and found Bikini Bottom, where he now lives happily as a piece of coral next to the Chum Bucket.

-Suzy Crabgrass was run over by a lawnmower because the new janitor actually thought she was made of real crabgrass.

-Rather than accept a Division 1 basketball scholarship, Seth Powers opted instead to become a freelance philosopher and live in a Spy Kids beanbag chair for the rest of his life.

-Martin Qwerly spontaneously combusted seconds after receiving his high school diploma. Everybody laughed, including his parents.

-Le Forge died when Martin Qwerly, his alter ego, spontaneously combusted in the middle of Martin's high school graduation ceremony.

-Claire Sawyer, future lawyer, was derezzed by iTeacher for eating tuna fish in class.

-iTeacher was smashed to pieces with Thor's hammer by Mr. Monroe moments after Claire Sawyer was derezzed.

-Mr. Monroe drifted into a cornfield while sleepwalking one night and happened upon Thor's hammer, which he was able to pick up and carry around. He was therefore considered worthy to be a God, a career he accepted shortly after destroying iTeacher with the hammer because he couldn't stand Mo Collins. He is now Shakaladra, the Norse god of ceramics.

-Backpack Boy was eaten alive by his backpack because he went to the carnival with Mr. Chopsaw instead of the backpack.

-Mr. Chopsaw was also eaten alive by Backpack Boy's backpack because the backpack was supposed to go to the carnival with Backpack Boy, but Backpack Boy went with Mr. Chopsaw instead.

-Missy Meany grew up to be the heaviest woman alive, weighing in at 1,467 pounds. After breaking the record, she was immediately banned from society altogether.

-Bitsy gained entrance back into Polk Middle School after three years of appealing. Unfortunately, she has been strangely unable to pass the seventh grade. After failing in her seventeenth attempt twelve days after her 22nd birthday, she gave up and moved to Kentucky an uneducated invalid.

-Faymen Phorchin tore his ACL in both legs in his first professional soccer game and now makes $500 a year as a sideshow act for a circus in Belize.

-Vice Principal Crubbs was given the death penalty after chemically disincorporating six teachers and seven students with hydrofluoric acid. After the Great Weasel Tragedy, where Vice Principal Crubbs killed the Weasel and its children (which were the school's official mascots and pets) for defecating in his only box of Chocolate Special K, Vice Principal Crubbs lost his job and was forced to live with his mother (whom he despises). Crubbs then had a nervous breakdown and, after watching the first season of Breaking Bad, decided to retaliate. The next morning, he broke into the school, snuck into the ventilation system, and poured a 20-gallon drum of hydrofluoric acid that he stole from Mr. Sweeney's storage closet into the main office where six teachers and seven students were gathered.

-The Weasel and its children were slaughtered by Vice Prinicipal Crubbs after the Weasel made stool in Crubbs' favorite cereal, which was no longer available and was the last box at the grocery store that Crubbs shops at.

-Lisa Zemo had to change her identity after witnessing Vice Principal Crubbs use chemically disincorporate Principal Wright, Mr. Sweeney, Coach Dirga, Dr. Xavier, Principal Pal, Mr. Dren, Palmer Noid, Evelyn Kwong, The Oboe Twins, and the Killer Bees. After some tricky blacksmithing, she is now a pencil sharpener.

-Principal Wright was chemically disincorporated by Vice Principal Crubbs after the Great Weasel Tragedy.

-Mr. Sweeney was chemically disincorporated by Vice Principal Crubbs after the Great Weasel Tragedy.

-Coach Dirga was chemically disincorporated by Vice Principal Crubbs after the Great Weasel Tragedy.

-Dr. Xavier was chemically disincorporated by Vice Principal Crubbs after the Great Weasel Tragedy.

-Principal Pal was chemically disincorporated by Vice Principal Crubbs after the Great Weasel Tragedy.

-Mr. Dren was chemically disincorporated by Vice Principal Crubbs after the Great Weasel Tragedy.

-Palmer Noid was chemically disincorporated by Vice Principal Crubbs after the Great Weasel Tragedy.

-Evelyn Kwong was chemically disincorporated by Vice Principal Crubbs after the Great Weasel Tragedy.

-The Oboe Twins were chemically disincorporated by Vice Principal Crubbs after the Great Weasel Tragedy.

-The Killer Bees were chemically disincorporated by Vice Principal Crubbs after the Great Weasel Tragedy.

-Dr. Lowe got a promotion after the Great Weasel Tragedy. He is now the principal, even though he isn't the least bit qualified.

-Mr. Combover shaved his head in solidarity for his cancer-stricken wife. Three seconds later, he dropped dead.

-The Scoop, unlike all the major characters, actually grew up and did what he thought he was going to do in school. He became a photojournalist and is living a happy life with his wife and two children in western Florida.

-Rose the Lunch Lady ate a bad bag of frozen peas and now she has a debilitating case of Bell's palsy. She continues her job as lunch lady despite missing the tray and pouring students' lunches on their heads, dumping them on the floor, or, at times, flinging the food across the cafeteria and hitting students, thus eliciting food fights.

-Spencer contracted the ebola virus on a class trip to Cote D'Ivoire. Despite his best efforts to continue his dream of becoming an actor, he was unable to recover and he died in the middle of a performance as Cyrano de Bergerac when he ran screaming in agony off the stage into the orchestra and was fatally impaled by a trombone.

-Nurse Hunsucker accidentally used her husband's anthrax supply while baking pot brownies. She died, but she came back to life thanks to Mr. Monroe's voodoo ceramic powers and was hired by the new nurse to hide in the closet and scare children.

-Mr. Gross continues to smell awful. He was later quarantined forever by the government because the president, although he lived thousands of miles away, couldn't stand the stench of Mr. Gross.

-In memory of the late Cookie, Timmy Toot-Toot used his flatulence for good instead of evil by powering the city using the methane from his toot-tooting. He is considered a pioneer in alternative energy.

-Jock Goldman dropped out of high school to pursue a career in welding. He failed the GED test eight times and continues to border on total bankruptcy due to all the Bahamian hair gel he keeps buying for $45 a bottle.

-Lance Widget is now a successful manufacturer of giant trampolines. He lost 140 pounds since his woeful middle school years and is now in talks to star in Baywatch: The Movie.

-Albert Wormenheimer got an A in high school choir class and used that inspiration to start a death metal band with his friends from Norway. They named their band Farzikmööt and their band was a huge success in Europe, thanks greatly in part to Albert's charismatic vocal presence. Farzikmööt went on to make three platinum albums and win two Grammys, but Albert was later kidnapped by the Reykjavik sector of the Grammar Police for using tremas incorrectly. Rumor has it they heaved barbed grammar textbooks at Albert until he bled to death, but nobody really knows where he is.

-Doug Secksay is now in the adult film business, for obvious reasons.

-Cookie's ex-girlfriend, Vanessa, dozed off on her porch roof and fell into a running wood chipper. It was later discovered that Steve Buscemi was the one who turned it on.

-Mr. Weiner created his own hot dog restaurant chain as a way to get over all the degrading insults about his name. He is now one of the richest entrepreneurs in the country.

-Miss Splitz joined the Air Force and was never heard from again after ejecting over North Korean airspace.


Comments

Chedo on June 07, 2015:

HA THIS WAS BRILLIANT

Dylan Headlock on December 06, 2014:

This is disturbing.

Ned's4Life on September 07, 2014:

No way.... I bet they all live happily ever after and every is best friends!!

colton wheeler on June 21, 2014:

will mr. Sweeney you and people and nice and family ned and miss you school

Adeline Motionless on March 17, 2013:

Lmao. xD 'accidently impregnated' XD

nayeli on December 11, 2012:

Iwish i can seeey are my ned and moz charater they are my favorite

unique on November 05, 2012:

lol lies

dasamerman (author) from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania on September 29, 2012:

That's life! It happens to all of us eventually!

Katelyn on September 29, 2012:

This is terrible! Like everyone died!

smcopywrite from all over the web on October 14, 2011:

i remember the original program and i am always interested in those what ever happened to...stories. thanks for sharing

Christopher Antony Meade from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom on August 15, 2011:

That was some effort. Brilliant. Thanks. I've never heard of the original programme, but I might look it up now to get the background.